Inception Quicktime
Title: Inception Quicktime
Fandom: Inception
Disclaimer: The movie Inception does not belong to me and I am making no money from this story, just a good-ole fanwork!
Pairing/Characters: Everyone in the movie.
Word Count: 4,526
Rating: PG-13 (lots of cursing)
Summary: Parody of the movie, kind of like the '15 minute' format. Basically sped up and damn funny.
Author notes: I couldn't resist. I love this form and I hadn't seen it done anywhere so I thought 'what the hell?' Even if it's been done before it's still a fun time. Enjoy!
Waves: crash crashy crash
Kids: omg, so random!
Japanese guy: Holy shit, we already killed Leonardo DiCaprio!
Saito: Holy shit, you’re Leonardo DiCaprio!
Dom: Heck, yes, I am Leonardo DiCaprio!
Saito: Oh, you have a symbol - I mean a top…
---Scene change! …only not---
Dom: Hey! You turned young.
Arthur: Hello, I am your suit porn for this movie.
Saito: I am unimpressed by your extraction chatter.
Dom: IF THIS WERE A DREAM *WINK WINK*
Saito: *suspicious*
Arthur: Omg, you douche.
Dom: I think that went well.
Nash: Um, PS - you’re all asleep.
Arthur: Oh shit, your dead wife!
Dom: I married Edith Piaf?
Mal: Don’t be jealous of my dress.
Dom: You are so fucking hot.
---Surprise scene change!---
Mal: oooo weird art!
Dom: Could you sit in this chair so I can tie this rope to it and climb out the window? It’s not like you’d disappear later causing me to fall or anything.
Mal: Do the children miss me?
Dom: *SNIFFLE*
---Outside walking---
Dom: Do de do.
*FALL*
Dom: Oh right, projection wife…
Mal: Word.
Dom: I’m creepin’ and shootin’ and stealin’ your secrets!
Saito: REJECTED!
Dom: Shit.
Mal: Hi sweetie!
*Drag in Arthur looking adorably pissed off*
Saito: Uh, we’re dreaming.
Dom: I swear I was going to tell you.
Saito: Who do you work for?
Mal: I’ll shoot pretty boy.
Dom: You’ll only wake him up, bitch please!
Mal: Pain is in the mind.
*BANG*
Arthur: FUCKING OW!
Mal: Bitch. Please.
Dom: Oh yeah? *Shoot in the head*
Arthur: Thank fuck.
Dom: Woke him up, HA HA, I WIN, BITCH PLEASE!
Scenery: I’m tired. Collapse time.
Dom: RUNNING!
Saito: Get back my oh-so-special secrets!!!
Nash: Wtf?
Arthur: Shit is going down.
Dom: The secrets are censored!
Mal: I look hot walking through destruction.
Saito: *Dead - awake*
Dom: Now I’m lonely.
Arthur: DUNK HIM!
Saito: Bitch please, I have a gun.
Dom: Sloooooow motioooon faaaaaaaall! It’s cinema-graphically cooooooool!
Audience: ooooooooooooooo!
Dom: Um… Is that water from the ceiling?
Saito: I’m winning!
Dom: Uh no! *tackles*
Saito: So not telling you anything.
Dom: Please?
Saito: You suck! I am not hiring you.
Dom: Wait… we were hired to extract FROM you, not FOR you. Get the correct preposition.
Saito: Whatever, I’m being obtuse.
*Face meet carpet*
Dom: OMG, I’M A GANGSTER, TALK!
Saito: Um… this isn’t my carpet.
Nash: Shit. Am I fired?
Saito: WHOA, DOUBLE DREAMING, IMPRESSED!
Arthur: Nash, you are a loser!
Dom: Wasn’t I supposed to be ‘the best extractor’ yet I still fuck that up somehow?
Arthur: Maybe if you didn’t have a crazy projection wife…
Dom: *SNIFFLE*
Arthur: Hate to see you out of control!
Fandom: Oh, I need that icon.
Saito: *smirk*
---Scene change! We like having lots of filming locations!---
Dom: I’m spinning my mysterious, symbol top… with a gun.
Kids: HI DADDY!
Dom: I’m so emo.
Kids: Mom’s not dead, right?
Dom: Um… she is.
Kids: And you didn’t totally abandon us, did you?
Dom: About that…
---ROOF---
Saito: Yes, this is how boss I am. Now, get in my helicopter.
Nash: Shit.
Saito: INCEPTION!
Audience: ooooo movie title!
Arthur: So not possible.
Dom: So is.
Audience: Um… is that foreshadowing?
Arthur: Don’t think about elephants.
Saito: Omg, I totally love elephants!
Arthur: Making a point.
Saito: I should buy an elephant.
Dom: We’ll take the job!
Arthur: Um… not possible!
Dom: I’ve done it before.
Arthur: Wait, what?
Dom: *sniffle*
Arthur: Hey, when we played ‘truth or dare’ you said you hadn’t, LIAR!
Dom: And now we’re in France!
Michael Cane: CAMEO! …sort of.
Dom: I am here to spread corruption!
Michael Cane: YOU’RE A BAD DAD!
Dom: *SNIFFLE* *EMO*
Ariadne: Enter the tiny Canadian!
Dom: Draw me a maze.
Ariadne: Um, why?
Dom: LISTEN TO YOUR ELDERS!
Ariadne: Okay, I guess I could draw -
Dom: Finished it. Totally lame.
Ariadne: But I -
Dom: Still lame!
Ariadne: You son of a bitch, CIRCLE!
Dom: ooooo, Impressed now!
Ariadne: So, dreams?
Dom: They feel real while we’re in them.
Ariadne: Is that a tag line?
Dom: We build dreams then break in like bandits. Heist movie!
Ariadne: So, I’m the token girl?
Dom: PS - we’re in a dream.
Ariadne: Oh shit, no!?
*EXPLODEY*
Ariadne: SO IMPRESSED!
Dom: And that was five minutes.
Ariadne: Wait…
Arthur: Five minutes equals one hour. This may be important later in the movie, just saying.
Ariadne: You’re hot.
Dom: Tiny back story, army, yadda yadda, let’s dream!
Arthur: This kind of sounds like you’re doing crack or something…
Ariadne: I’m going to be an architect PRODIGY!
*BUILDINGS UPSIDE DOWN*
Dom: I so just got shown up!
Christopher Nolan: If we don’t win Best Cinematography somewhere I will cut a bitch.
Dom: By the way, the projections attack if you change too much.
Ariadne: Whatever! Making a bridge!
Dom: Seriously, they will ATTACK you.
Ariadne: Do de do, breaking glass tunnel!
Dom: ATTACK YOU! As in kill.
Ariadne: Oh…
Projections: BITCH WHORE!
Mal: Miss me? *STAB*
Ariadne: AHH! WTF!?
Arthur: Did you get stabbed?
Ariadne: WHO THE FUCK!?
Arthur: Mrs. Cobb.
Ariadne: Oh, Am I the audience connection for this movie as well as the token girl?
Arthur: Look a totem, helps you not go crazy.
Ariadne: oooo, want to touch the -
Arthur: Ho! Hands off!
Ariadne: Yeah, anyhow, Dom is cray cray, no way I am playing!
Dom: She’s faking.
Arthur: Maybe you shouldn’t sick your wife on her.
Dom: Quit busting my chops! I’m going to get team member number 4, Eames.
Arthur: MY EX-BOYFRIEND!? I mean - uh, he’s in Mombassa, not safe - at all.
Dom: Going anyway!
Arthur: …yes!
---Exotic location!---
Eames: Hello, I am your scruffy English eye candy for this film.
Audience: He said ‘film.’ *loooooooooves*
Dom: Creepin’ in you shadow.
Eames: Aren’t you Leonardo DiCaprio?
Dom: So! We’re going to do inception, you in?
Eames: Awesome!
Dom: Really? Arthur says -
Eames: OMG, MY SEXY HOT PANTS EX-BOYFRIEND ARTHUR!? I mean - stick in the mud. *shifty eyes*
Dom: Seriously, who are you kidding? You’re going to flirt this whole movie.
Eames: Hell yes I am.
Dom: So, by the way, I don’t know shit about this inception stuff since last time I did it, it kind of backfired.
Eames: Shall I school you with my amazing skills?
Dom: Please.
Eames: Dissolving a corporate empire? Make him love his dad again.
Dom: Genius!
Eames: Subtle art. *charm*
Audience: *swooooooon*
Dom: Can we go get our other ethnic minority now?
Eames: I think you need to have a chase scene first.
Cobol thug: *creeps*
Dom: *jumps out the window*
*EVERYONE RUN!*
Dom: I can totally lose them down this excessively narrow alley. I won’t get stuck or anything.
Eames: Dumbass.
Dom: Ahh! Losing!
Saito: *door face* Saved your life!
Dom: Omg, you are so hard core.
Eames: Finished your chase scene?
Arthur: Time for some educating.
Ariadne: Please tell me we get a sex scene.
Arthur: Penrose steps!
Ariadne: SO COOL!
Arthur: It’s what I do.
Ariadne: So… about Mal and Dom? Are they divorced or what?
Arthur: DEAD!
Ariadne: Shouldn’t I have already figured out that she was a projection and clearly not a real person just appearing in these dreams by magic?
Audience: Ohhhhh…
Arthur: Yeah, Dom has issues. It’s just like Shutter Island.
---Back in our exotic location---
Yusuf: You need drugs?
Dom: Three layers!
Yusuf: Leonardo DiCaprio does not impress me.
Dom: Yes, I do.
Yusuf: I LOVED TITANIC!
Saito: PS - I’m coming into the dream.
Eames: Um, no tourists.
Saito: I’m the one paying.
Eames: I love tourists!
Dom: Can we see your basement?
---The opium den in the basement complete with comatose people and a creepy old man with ‘wise’ words---
Eames: You know… this isn’t really my scene.
Yusuf: Yeah, this compound will fuck you up good!
Dom: I want!
Mal: Do you miss me lots?
Dom: *sniffle* yes.
Mal: Are these train tracks?
Dom: So much emo!
Yusuf: Sharp, no?
Dom: *GASP*
Saito: Are you still tripping?
Dom: Ignore the frantic top twirling. *shifty eyes*
Saito: Time for more exposition!
Dom: Robert Fischer?
Eames: Peter Browning?
Saito: I don’t like playing Monopoly so I want you to make Fischer pick a new game, like Jenga or Twister.
Dom: We all fall down.
Saito: Is that foreshadowing?
Eames: Can I go creepy stalk now?
---Look, the lion’s den---
Eames: *creeps in the corner in a suit*
Browning: Look at my hand gestures!
Fischer: *emos*
Browning: Weren’t you in Batman or something?
Pete Postlethwaite: *groans* Is that really my last name?
Browning: Aw, a touching photograph!
Fischer: NO ONE LOVES ME!
Eames: Now class, I have this Browning guy down. Look at me turning into him in the mirror here.
Everyone: *GASP*
Eames: So! Layer one I can BECOME Browning, since I’m that cool, and give him all the ideas then in layer two I want more screen time so Tom Berenger can take over and be himself as one of Fischer’s projections.
Everyone: Wait what?
Arthur: He gives himself the idea.
Everyone: Ohhh… wait… I’m still kind of confused.
Arthur: Don’t worry about it, just let Eames impress me.
Eames: And oh I will, baby.
Ariadne: Just making my totem, do de do.
Dom: I wasn’t doing anything with this PASIV device over here in this dark corner, I swear.
Ariadne: *suspicious*
Dom: PS - They think I killed my wife.
Ariadne: Yeah, about that, you need to stop fucking up stuff with your projection wife.
Dom: Don’t judge me!
Arthur: So, what’s the idea then?
Dom: I will break up my father’s empire?
Arthur: Boring.
Eames: Screw you, dad?
Dom: Harsh.
Eames: My father accepts that I want to create for myself and not follow in his footsteps?
Dom: I like it, sounds like it’s from the script!
Arthur: *swoon*
Eames: *winks*
Arthur: *flustered* Um… NEEDS SPECIFICY!
Eames: You loooooove me.
Arthur: DO NOT!
Ariadne: Look! Time is passing. You can see it by me showing off my dream layer models and lots of shots of each of us sleeping and Dom being a creeper in the corner still.
Audience: Thanks for the update.
Dom: …I am not a creeper.
Arthur: Um, how are we going to sleep until later three, by the way?
Yusuf: Heroin.
Ariadne: *is excited*
Yusuf: Did I mention layer three is like ten years long?
Ariadne: Uh, what the fuck?
Arthur: So, waking up?
Dom: KICK!
Ariadne: Um?
Eames: I like kicking. *almost knocks over Arthur’s chair*
Arthur: *GLARE*
Eames: *charms*
Arthur: Fuck it, bang me now.
Fandom: OH MY GOD, MY NEW OTP!!!
Dom: Kicking is so we wake up, stupid.
Ariadne: *pouts*
Yusuf: I’m so skilled that I can knock you out so you’ll sleep down to layer three but if I push you over then BAM you wake up.
Everyone: *IMPRESSED*
Arthur: Why am I the test guinea pig?
Eames: *giggles*
Dom: And we’re going to play that Edith Piaf song to synchronize so that there will be a renewed interest in her music due to the movie.
Mal: Plus it’s just so damn amusing with the acting parallels!
---Practicing dream layer two---
Eames: Bloody hell, are we still doing exposition?
Arthur: We’re taking a plane.
Saito: I bought an airline.
Everyone: BZUH!?
Saito: Bitchin’.
Dom: *dreaming alone in dark corner*
Ariadne: No fair, I want to play too!
---Dom’s creepy dream---
Ariadne: So… like I’m in an elevator now or something?
Mal: Want to make out?
Dom: We’re so romantic.
Ariadne: *creeps*
Mal: I FUCKING SEE YOU, WHORE!
Dom: No interrupting my play time!
Ariadne: This is really kind of clinically wrong.
Dom: I can stop any time I want to!
Ariadne: Are these memories?
Dom: Um…
Ariadne: So wrong.
Dom: I also abandoned my children and I can’t see their faces anymore. *SNIFFLE*
Ariadne: Going to the basement!
Mal: I get to wear all the sexy dresses.
Ariadne: Femslash?
Mal: I’ll tell you a riddle!
Ariadne: This ‘waiting for a train’ thing has been popping up all over this movie…
Dom: SAVED YOUR LIFE!
Mal: STOP CHEATING ON ME WITH TINY GIRL!
Dom: *soooo emo*
Ariadne: You have problems.
Saito: THE DAD IS DEAD, IT’S GAME TIME!
Dom: You’re not going to fuck me over when we get to LA, are you?
Saito: Psh, no.
---PLANE---
Eames: *is pretty*
Fischer: OUT OF MY WAY, ENGLISH WANKER!
Eames: *steals your passport*
Dom: Hey, did your dad die?
Fischer: I’m not sad about it at all. Really.
Dom: Have some sedative then.
Fischer: Well, don’t mind if I - zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Dom: LET’S GO TEAM! I promise there is nothing really really important about this dream job which could jeopardize your lives that I haven’t told you.
---THE DREAM BEGINS---
Arthur: Thanks for the piss rain.
Yusuf: Racist.
Dom: Catch that cab!
Fischer: I’m getting wet.
Eames: Wanna share?
Fischer: Get the fuck out of my -
Saito: *GUN*
Fischer: …my wallet is worth more than $500.
Eames: Taking it!
*SURPRISE BAM*
Audience: *JUMPS IN SEAT*
Ariadne: WE JUST GOT HIT BY A TRAIN!!!
Dom: ….I get this reference.
Eames: MY WINDOW JUST GOT SHOT!
Arthur: FUCK, ATTACK PROJECTIONS!
Saito: This is not going to be good for me as the ethnic minority in this car…
Arthur: *shooting*
Eames: *more shooting*
Dom: *driving*
Arthur: *better driving*
Eames: *even more shooting
Everyone: *ESCAPING*
Saito: I’M SHOT!
Dom: *FREAK OUT*
Arthur: So, Fischer’s been trained…
Dom: OMG, WHY DIDN’T YOU FIND THIS OUT, I BLAME YOU!
Arthur: Drama queen.
Dom: AND EVERYONE THINKS YOU’RE HOTTER THAN ME IN THIS FILM.
Eames: Well, I’ll just shoot Saito awake and -
Dom: INTERCEPTION!
Yusuf: We’re too heavily sedated to wake up when we die.
Eames, Arthur, and Ariadne: What. The. Fuck.
Dom: We’ll drop into limbo instead.
Ariadne: 8th grade dance game?
Arthur: Unconstructed dream space.
Eames: Like hell for your brain.
Yusuf: It could be infinite.
Dom: Eh, it was okay… except not.
Saito: …Shit.
Arthur: DOM, YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE!
Dom: I had to.
Eames: MAJOR ASSHOLE.
Dom: It’s the only way we could do it.
Yusuf: NOW THEY THINK I’M AN ASSHOLE TOO, YOU ASSHOLE.
Dom: IT’S ALL ABOUT ME! HAD TO GET BACK TO MY CHILDREN! *EMO*
Everyone: *evil stare*
Eames: Fuck this, I quit.
Dom: I’ll give you Arthur.
Arthur: What?
Eames: BACK IN.
Dom: Gangster time!
Fischer: This sucks.
Arthur: Could we please have the imaginary combination to your father’s imaginary personal safe?
Fischer: Y’all trippin.
Dom: Torture time, punk!
Yusuf: *sniff the wallet*
Eames: I found the touching photograph!
Yusuf: …that sounds dirty, you know.
Dom: You’ve got one hour.
Eames: You can’t rush art.
Dom: I’ll take Arthur back.
Eames!Browning: OWIE!
Fischer: *WHIMPER*
Eames!Browning: Answer their questions!
Fischer: It’s bullshit.
Eames!Browning: Pleeeeeeeeease, your daddy loved you.
Fischer: He was a cunt!
Eames!Browning: This is going to be problematic.
Dom: Ready for it? Ready for it? Back story.
Ariadne: All I do in this movie is hang out with you and listen to you bitch.
Dom: Mal and I fell into limbo, built a world, got old… and crazy…
Ariadne: Sob story!
Dom: So I decided to incep - I mean, we had to kill ourselves.
Mal: So sad and dramatic… blah blah.
Dom: You’re waiting for a train…
Ariadne: Please, not the riddle again.
Dom: Buuuuut… Mal went batshit on me.
Mal: OMG NOTHING IS REAL!!!!!
---Flashing back to that hotel room we already saw when it was femslash time---
Dom: Do de do, anniversary night of hotel room sexing!
Mal: Hey, I’m out on this window ledge.
Dom: NOT GOOD!
Mal: So, let’s jump.
Dom: No, thanks.
Mal: You’ve gotta jump with me.
Dom: I’d rather not.
Mal: I told everyone you wanted to kill me.
Dom: *GASP*
Mal: Jumping time.
Dom: NO MEANS NO!
Mal: *JUMPS TO HER DEATH*
Dom: OH MY GOD, NOW I’M GOING TO BE EMO FOREVER! *SOB*
Ariadne: My heart!
Dom: *sniffle*
Ariadne: I’m still kind of pissed about you lying and all though.
Dom: Uh oh, projections.
Fischer: Can we leave now?
Dom: GIVE US NUMBERS!
Fischer: I DUH KNO!
Dom: I will shoot Eames - I mean, Browning!
Fischer: 528491
Audience: Oooooo! Do those numbers mean something?
Christopher Nolan: No.
Dom: Time for a ride in the van.
Eames: Did I mention that his daddy issues are hella bad?
Arthur: Uh, duh!
Dom: Whatever, we’re still good.
Arthur: Why don’t you work a little harder, English prick!
Eames: I love when you talk dirty.
Arthur: *SHOOTS*
Eames: You mustn’t be afraid to dream a little bigger darling.
Fandom: HE SAID DARLING! Let me use this is every single fanfic ever!
Eames: *Big ass gun of win*
Arthur: *swoooooons*
Dom: So, Mr. Charles?
Arthur: Really? Remember last time when we DIED doing that?
Yusuf: Have fun on the second layer kids!
---LAYER TWO---
Eames!Talulah Riley: I am really hot and blond.
Fischer: Wasn’t I doing something else a second ago?
Eames!Talulah Riley: You could be doing me.
Dom: Peekaboo
Fischer: I don’t swing that way.
Eames!Talulah Riley: Gotta go, have my number which happens to be that number you just said like five minutes ago.
Fischer: Huh?
Arthur: Dom is totally going to fuck this up.
Ariadne: What’s with the weird bun on the top of my head?
Eames!Talulah Riley: Hey cutie!
Saito: Stop confusing my sexuality, Eames! *cough*
Yusuf: I’M BEING SHOT AT WHILE I’M TRYING TO DRIVE!
Dom: I am Mr. Charles.
Fischer: I am confused.
Dom: Subconscious security!
Fischer: Stop trying to sound fancy, I know what extraction is.
Kids: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!
Dom: Crap.
Fischer: Um.
Projections: We see you!
Dom: YOU’RE TOTALLY DREAMING!
Fischer: *FREAK OUT*
Arthur: I would rather not be killed by projections and sent to limbo, thanks.
Ariadne: I’d rather not be wearing a boring gray suit.
Arthur: Want to make out?
Ariadne: The fangirls would kill me…
Arthur: I am Joseph Gordon-Levitt, you know.
Ariadne: Let’s do it.
Fischer: Save me, projection security guy!
Dom: Let’s run and kill people in the bathroom!
Fischer: Shouldn’t I kill myself to wake up and stuff?
Dom: …no.
Fischer: Holy shit, I’m kidnapped in a van!
Arthur: I like bombs.
Ariadne: I’m going to ask a bunch of questions about falling and the dream and stuff even though we’ve been working together for what has to have been months and months and I should already know all this.
Arthur: Aw, poor audience connection character.
Dom: Hotel room door kick!
Eames and Saito: *creepin on your projection*
Browning: Hi.
Dom: I think he’s a bad guy.
Fischer: No way! He’s like the only one who loves me.
Dom: Did you see him get tortured?
Fischer: *GASP* Betrayal!
Browning: But I didn’t want you to get the alternate will and break up the company since you are so skilled and could totally create your own awesome company better than your dad!
Eames: *wipes a tear*
Dom: Let’s go under again!
Fischer: 3rd time?
Dom: It’s only the 2nd *shifty eyes* really.
Fischer: Bring it.
Eames: You going to miss me when I go down to layer three, Arthur?
Arthur: …no
Eames: *flirts*
Arthur: *smiles*
Eames: Can we have sex now?
Arthur: Go to sleep, Mr. fucking sexy porn lips Eames.
Fandom: I LOVE THIS SCENE!
Het Lovers: *grumps*
---LAYER THREE---
Dom: It’s snowy.
Ariadne: Anyone else noticed how we haven’t actually seen Mal this whole dream crazy time yet? Probably want to keep our eyes open this level.
Arthur: Gonna go be a distraction.
Yusuf: Still driving and being shot at!
Arthur: I think I’m being followed…
Yusuf: Bumpy driving and sharp turns.
Arthur: Um, leaning hotel!
Projection: *gets slammed*
Yusuf: MY CAR IS ROLLING OVER!
Arthur: And now I get the most BAD ASS scene in the movie. RUNNING ALL OVER THE WALLS AND THE CEILING AND KICKING PROJECTION ASS!
Projections: *so dead*
*Van stops rolling*
Arthur: Fucking win.
Yusuf: *giggle* I’m alive!
Dom: Back on level three…
Saito and Fisher: Time to storm the castle.
Eames: I’ll go run around.
Ariadne: And I get stuck with Dom… again.
Yusuf: And I’ve finally made it to the bridge. Fucking traffic.
Eames: Come to the sexy forger, projections!
Yusuf: Okay, fuck this dream, we are heading out!
Dom: Um… anyone else hear French just now?
Projections: BITCH PLEASE.
Eames: *skis around*
Dom: Can they get there faster than climbing up a mountain?
Ariadne: Um…
Dom: Aw, come on, I’m sure telling me the layout won’t end in some TOTAL FORESEEABLE catastrophe.
Ariadne: Well, okay.
Arthur: *running*
Yusuf: *driving*
Arthur: PARADOX! Tee hee, I like dropping bodies.
Yusuf: See ya! *gives you the finger*
---KICK #1---
Arthur: FUCK! *FLIES THROUGH THE AIR*
Saito: Holy shit avalanche! *FALLS DOWN THE MOUNTAIN*
Dom: Um. We missed the kick.
Eames: I am not being stuck in the snow for ten god damn years!
Yusuf: Free fall!
Arthur: I have no gravity but at least that gives everyone great shots of how fucking dapper I am in this suit.
Audience: *MELTS*
Fischer: And we’re inside the fortress.
Eames: Um… I think shit is going down?
Dom: I’m sure it’s nothing.
Arthur: Anti-gravity FIGHT TIME!
Eames: Chasing projections
Arthur: Moving people into an elevator.
Fischer: I think my time to shine is getting closer!
Dom: Everything is going really well despite that whole militarized projections thing!
Ariadne: Knock on wood?
Mal: Surprise!
Ariadne: OMG, SHOOT THE BITCH!
Dom: *sniffle* I think I’m going to pussy out.
Mal: Hey, Scarecrow.
Fischer: Huh?
*SHOT*
Dom: OMG! *shoots Mal*
Ariadne: You fucking idiot!
Eames: I’m going to touch Fischer’s chest under his shirt now.
Ariadne: *jealous*
Dom: Total fail boat!
Saito: Uh, PS - still dying.
Ariadne: We could go to limbo?
Eames: You crazy?
Ariadne: Dom’s going to jail if we don’t.
Dom: Okay, let’s go to limbo then!
Eames: So glad I’m the dreamer for this level.
Ariadne: Um…. Limbo is a beach?
Dom: And I am wet yet again.
Audience: We have no problem with that.
Arthur: Elevator time!
Yusuf: Still falling.
Eames: Hey Saito, even though you’re dying could you maybe kick the shit out of some projections with this grenade for me?
Saito: I would totally go gay for you.
Eames: That’s the spirit!
Dom: I will now give you the tour of limbo!
Ariadne: Are we in Cuba?
Arthur: I am going to blow up this elevator, ha ha!
Eames: Shooting people in the snow, ha ha!
Dom: So we lived in this house and this house and -
Ariadne: Is this little French house significant?
Dom: NO! Of course not! No!
Ariadne: Um…
Dom: So, put my last house inside a building and here we are.
Mal: Hi, I’m playing with a knife.
Dom: Do you have my mark somewhere?
Mal: I can make a mark when I stab you.
Dom: You’re not real…. Not at all.
Mal: You love me.
Ariadne: Oh god, this is going to take forever isn’t it?
Yusuf, Arthur, Eames: We’re still falling, floating, and shooting shit up.
Saito: Am I dead yet?
Dom: So, um, I performed inception on you.
Mal: …wait, what?
Ariadne: Holy fuck!
Dom: I spun your top in the safe so you’d kill yourself with me and we could escape from limbo. THE TOP WAS A SYMBOL!
Ariadne: Sort of.
Mal: So, what you’re saying is that it’s your fault that I killed myself in reality?
Dom: Basically.
Ariadne: That explains the emo guilt a bit better.
Mal: Well, you owe me then don’t you? So, you should stay here and be crazy with me!
Dom: Or I could not.
Mal: Or you could.
Saito: And I’m dead.
Arthur: Here, Eames, have a little song since I LOVE YOU SO MUCH - I mean, to warn you about the kick coming…
Eames: About fucking time.
Fischer: *is zapped*
Ariadne: Time to go now!
Mal: Bitch please, YOU ARE MINE!
Dom: Okay cool.
Ariadne: Wait what?
Mal: Sweet! Take the skinny rich boy.
Fischer: I’m kidnapped again.
Ariadne: Is it weird that I’m kind of into this mouth gag thing?
Dom: By the way, not actually staying with you since you’re not real and all.
Mal: FUCKING STAB YOU.
Ariadne: FUCKING SHOOT YOU, PWNED!
Dom: Whoa! Bitch fight!
Ariadne: *kicks Fischer off the porch*
Fischer: *GASP* Holy shit that was trippy!
Yusuf: Still falling.
Arthur: *EXPLODEY* And now I’m falling too, except cooler since I’m in an elevator.
Yusuf: Vans are cool!
Arthur: Are not!
Fischer: Um… So, I’m supposed to open this giant vault thing now?
Pete Postlethwaite: *gurgle* Disssssssssssssssss…
Fischer: No dissing me!
Pete Postlethwaite: I was disappointed…
Fischer: *SNIFFLE*
Pete Postlethwaite: That you tired to be me.
Fischer: *GASP* Affection!?
Yusuf and Arthur: Stiiiiiiiiiiill falling.
Eames: Um… we kind of have a time limit here so the Hallmark moment should really speed up.
Pete Postlethwaite: Check out my safe.
Fischer: oooo those numbers came in handy. Hmm… let’s see. We’ve got the will on top and below we have… *SNIFFLE* MAI PINWHEEL!!!!!
Pete Postlethwaite: *is dead*
Fischer: OMG, MY HEART! *SOBS*
*INCEPTION IS A GO*
Eames: FUCK YES! *EXPLODES THE WHOLE FORTRESS*
Ariadne: We gotta go, Dom.
Dom: Nah, you go ahead.
Ariadne: No limbo repeat rounds!
Dom: Nah, I’m going to rescue the Asian in distress.
Ariadne: All right, buh bye. *jumps off building*
*EVERYONE FALLS AND WAKES UP ALL OVER THE PLACE, SO DRAMATIC!*
Dom: Sorry about the inception and making you kill yourself and all.
Mal: At least you angsted for years over it.
Fischer: I am going to be my own man like a big boy because daddy liked me!
Eames!Browning: I need to get a new job.
Arthur: Um… about Dom?
Ariadne: He’s going on a rescue mission.
Arthur: …sure he is.
Dom: Wow, you got old.
Saito: Wait… is this a dream?
Dom: Yeah, kinda.
Saito: So, I need to kill us both?
Dom: That would be correct.
Saito: Should we show it on camera to make absolutely no doubt at all about what is reality and what is a dream?
Dom: Nah, people are smart enough to figure it out.
---Back on the plane---
Dom: And I’m alive.
Saito: You son of a bitch, you let me die and fall into limbo!
Dom: You’re still gonna call so I don’t go to jail right?
Saito: I’ll call your mom!
Dom: Sweet, I got through customs. I love omnipotent-like characters!
Ariadne: Aw, now that wasn’t so bad.
Yusuf: I am never working with you again.
Arthur: I swear I’m NOT going to go to a hotel to bang Eames now.
Eames: He’s lying.
Arthur: Yeah, I am.
Michael Caine: And I’m back for two more seconds of screen time!
Dom: Home sweet home. I may as well spin my top for old time sake even though I got over the whole Mal, what is reality thing back in limbo for the second time.
Kids: LEONARDO DIC - WE MEAN, DADDY!
Dom: MY BABIES!
Top: Spin spin spin spin spin whoooooble -
---BLACK SCREEN, BITCHES, HA HA!---
Christopher Nolan: I can haz awards now?
Fandom: Inception
Disclaimer: The movie Inception does not belong to me and I am making no money from this story, just a good-ole fanwork!
Pairing/Characters: Everyone in the movie.
Word Count: 4,526
Rating: PG-13 (lots of cursing)
Summary: Parody of the movie, kind of like the '15 minute' format. Basically sped up and damn funny.
Author notes: I couldn't resist. I love this form and I hadn't seen it done anywhere so I thought 'what the hell?' Even if it's been done before it's still a fun time. Enjoy!
Waves: crash crashy crash
Kids: omg, so random!
Japanese guy: Holy shit, we already killed Leonardo DiCaprio!
Saito: Holy shit, you’re Leonardo DiCaprio!
Dom: Heck, yes, I am Leonardo DiCaprio!
Saito: Oh, you have a symbol - I mean a top…
---Scene change! …only not---
Dom: Hey! You turned young.
Arthur: Hello, I am your suit porn for this movie.
Saito: I am unimpressed by your extraction chatter.
Dom: IF THIS WERE A DREAM *WINK WINK*
Saito: *suspicious*
Arthur: Omg, you douche.
Dom: I think that went well.
Nash: Um, PS - you’re all asleep.
Arthur: Oh shit, your dead wife!
Dom: I married Edith Piaf?
Mal: Don’t be jealous of my dress.
Dom: You are so fucking hot.
---Surprise scene change!---
Mal: oooo weird art!
Dom: Could you sit in this chair so I can tie this rope to it and climb out the window? It’s not like you’d disappear later causing me to fall or anything.
Mal: Do the children miss me?
Dom: *SNIFFLE*
---Outside walking---
Dom: Do de do.
*FALL*
Dom: Oh right, projection wife…
Mal: Word.
Dom: I’m creepin’ and shootin’ and stealin’ your secrets!
Saito: REJECTED!
Dom: Shit.
Mal: Hi sweetie!
*Drag in Arthur looking adorably pissed off*
Saito: Uh, we’re dreaming.
Dom: I swear I was going to tell you.
Saito: Who do you work for?
Mal: I’ll shoot pretty boy.
Dom: You’ll only wake him up, bitch please!
Mal: Pain is in the mind.
*BANG*
Arthur: FUCKING OW!
Mal: Bitch. Please.
Dom: Oh yeah? *Shoot in the head*
Arthur: Thank fuck.
Dom: Woke him up, HA HA, I WIN, BITCH PLEASE!
Scenery: I’m tired. Collapse time.
Dom: RUNNING!
Saito: Get back my oh-so-special secrets!!!
Nash: Wtf?
Arthur: Shit is going down.
Dom: The secrets are censored!
Mal: I look hot walking through destruction.
Saito: *Dead - awake*
Dom: Now I’m lonely.
Arthur: DUNK HIM!
Saito: Bitch please, I have a gun.
Dom: Sloooooow motioooon faaaaaaaall! It’s cinema-graphically cooooooool!
Audience: ooooooooooooooo!
Dom: Um… Is that water from the ceiling?
Saito: I’m winning!
Dom: Uh no! *tackles*
Saito: So not telling you anything.
Dom: Please?
Saito: You suck! I am not hiring you.
Dom: Wait… we were hired to extract FROM you, not FOR you. Get the correct preposition.
Saito: Whatever, I’m being obtuse.
*Face meet carpet*
Dom: OMG, I’M A GANGSTER, TALK!
Saito: Um… this isn’t my carpet.
Nash: Shit. Am I fired?
Saito: WHOA, DOUBLE DREAMING, IMPRESSED!
Arthur: Nash, you are a loser!
Dom: Wasn’t I supposed to be ‘the best extractor’ yet I still fuck that up somehow?
Arthur: Maybe if you didn’t have a crazy projection wife…
Dom: *SNIFFLE*
Arthur: Hate to see you out of control!
Fandom: Oh, I need that icon.
Saito: *smirk*
---Scene change! We like having lots of filming locations!---
Dom: I’m spinning my mysterious, symbol top… with a gun.
Kids: HI DADDY!
Dom: I’m so emo.
Kids: Mom’s not dead, right?
Dom: Um… she is.
Kids: And you didn’t totally abandon us, did you?
Dom: About that…
---ROOF---
Saito: Yes, this is how boss I am. Now, get in my helicopter.
Nash: Shit.
Saito: INCEPTION!
Audience: ooooo movie title!
Arthur: So not possible.
Dom: So is.
Audience: Um… is that foreshadowing?
Arthur: Don’t think about elephants.
Saito: Omg, I totally love elephants!
Arthur: Making a point.
Saito: I should buy an elephant.
Dom: We’ll take the job!
Arthur: Um… not possible!
Dom: I’ve done it before.
Arthur: Wait, what?
Dom: *sniffle*
Arthur: Hey, when we played ‘truth or dare’ you said you hadn’t, LIAR!
Dom: And now we’re in France!
Michael Cane: CAMEO! …sort of.
Dom: I am here to spread corruption!
Michael Cane: YOU’RE A BAD DAD!
Dom: *SNIFFLE* *EMO*
Ariadne: Enter the tiny Canadian!
Dom: Draw me a maze.
Ariadne: Um, why?
Dom: LISTEN TO YOUR ELDERS!
Ariadne: Okay, I guess I could draw -
Dom: Finished it. Totally lame.
Ariadne: But I -
Dom: Still lame!
Ariadne: You son of a bitch, CIRCLE!
Dom: ooooo, Impressed now!
Ariadne: So, dreams?
Dom: They feel real while we’re in them.
Ariadne: Is that a tag line?
Dom: We build dreams then break in like bandits. Heist movie!
Ariadne: So, I’m the token girl?
Dom: PS - we’re in a dream.
Ariadne: Oh shit, no!?
*EXPLODEY*
Ariadne: SO IMPRESSED!
Dom: And that was five minutes.
Ariadne: Wait…
Arthur: Five minutes equals one hour. This may be important later in the movie, just saying.
Ariadne: You’re hot.
Dom: Tiny back story, army, yadda yadda, let’s dream!
Arthur: This kind of sounds like you’re doing crack or something…
Ariadne: I’m going to be an architect PRODIGY!
*BUILDINGS UPSIDE DOWN*
Dom: I so just got shown up!
Christopher Nolan: If we don’t win Best Cinematography somewhere I will cut a bitch.
Dom: By the way, the projections attack if you change too much.
Ariadne: Whatever! Making a bridge!
Dom: Seriously, they will ATTACK you.
Ariadne: Do de do, breaking glass tunnel!
Dom: ATTACK YOU! As in kill.
Ariadne: Oh…
Projections: BITCH WHORE!
Mal: Miss me? *STAB*
Ariadne: AHH! WTF!?
Arthur: Did you get stabbed?
Ariadne: WHO THE FUCK!?
Arthur: Mrs. Cobb.
Ariadne: Oh, Am I the audience connection for this movie as well as the token girl?
Arthur: Look a totem, helps you not go crazy.
Ariadne: oooo, want to touch the -
Arthur: Ho! Hands off!
Ariadne: Yeah, anyhow, Dom is cray cray, no way I am playing!
Dom: She’s faking.
Arthur: Maybe you shouldn’t sick your wife on her.
Dom: Quit busting my chops! I’m going to get team member number 4, Eames.
Arthur: MY EX-BOYFRIEND!? I mean - uh, he’s in Mombassa, not safe - at all.
Dom: Going anyway!
Arthur: …yes!
---Exotic location!---
Eames: Hello, I am your scruffy English eye candy for this film.
Audience: He said ‘film.’ *loooooooooves*
Dom: Creepin’ in you shadow.
Eames: Aren’t you Leonardo DiCaprio?
Dom: So! We’re going to do inception, you in?
Eames: Awesome!
Dom: Really? Arthur says -
Eames: OMG, MY SEXY HOT PANTS EX-BOYFRIEND ARTHUR!? I mean - stick in the mud. *shifty eyes*
Dom: Seriously, who are you kidding? You’re going to flirt this whole movie.
Eames: Hell yes I am.
Dom: So, by the way, I don’t know shit about this inception stuff since last time I did it, it kind of backfired.
Eames: Shall I school you with my amazing skills?
Dom: Please.
Eames: Dissolving a corporate empire? Make him love his dad again.
Dom: Genius!
Eames: Subtle art. *charm*
Audience: *swooooooon*
Dom: Can we go get our other ethnic minority now?
Eames: I think you need to have a chase scene first.
Cobol thug: *creeps*
Dom: *jumps out the window*
*EVERYONE RUN!*
Dom: I can totally lose them down this excessively narrow alley. I won’t get stuck or anything.
Eames: Dumbass.
Dom: Ahh! Losing!
Saito: *door face* Saved your life!
Dom: Omg, you are so hard core.
Eames: Finished your chase scene?
Arthur: Time for some educating.
Ariadne: Please tell me we get a sex scene.
Arthur: Penrose steps!
Ariadne: SO COOL!
Arthur: It’s what I do.
Ariadne: So… about Mal and Dom? Are they divorced or what?
Arthur: DEAD!
Ariadne: Shouldn’t I have already figured out that she was a projection and clearly not a real person just appearing in these dreams by magic?
Audience: Ohhhhh…
Arthur: Yeah, Dom has issues. It’s just like Shutter Island.
---Back in our exotic location---
Yusuf: You need drugs?
Dom: Three layers!
Yusuf: Leonardo DiCaprio does not impress me.
Dom: Yes, I do.
Yusuf: I LOVED TITANIC!
Saito: PS - I’m coming into the dream.
Eames: Um, no tourists.
Saito: I’m the one paying.
Eames: I love tourists!
Dom: Can we see your basement?
---The opium den in the basement complete with comatose people and a creepy old man with ‘wise’ words---
Eames: You know… this isn’t really my scene.
Yusuf: Yeah, this compound will fuck you up good!
Dom: I want!
Mal: Do you miss me lots?
Dom: *sniffle* yes.
Mal: Are these train tracks?
Dom: So much emo!
Yusuf: Sharp, no?
Dom: *GASP*
Saito: Are you still tripping?
Dom: Ignore the frantic top twirling. *shifty eyes*
Saito: Time for more exposition!
Dom: Robert Fischer?
Eames: Peter Browning?
Saito: I don’t like playing Monopoly so I want you to make Fischer pick a new game, like Jenga or Twister.
Dom: We all fall down.
Saito: Is that foreshadowing?
Eames: Can I go creepy stalk now?
---Look, the lion’s den---
Eames: *creeps in the corner in a suit*
Browning: Look at my hand gestures!
Fischer: *emos*
Browning: Weren’t you in Batman or something?
Pete Postlethwaite: *groans* Is that really my last name?
Browning: Aw, a touching photograph!
Fischer: NO ONE LOVES ME!
Eames: Now class, I have this Browning guy down. Look at me turning into him in the mirror here.
Everyone: *GASP*
Eames: So! Layer one I can BECOME Browning, since I’m that cool, and give him all the ideas then in layer two I want more screen time so Tom Berenger can take over and be himself as one of Fischer’s projections.
Everyone: Wait what?
Arthur: He gives himself the idea.
Everyone: Ohhh… wait… I’m still kind of confused.
Arthur: Don’t worry about it, just let Eames impress me.
Eames: And oh I will, baby.
Ariadne: Just making my totem, do de do.
Dom: I wasn’t doing anything with this PASIV device over here in this dark corner, I swear.
Ariadne: *suspicious*
Dom: PS - They think I killed my wife.
Ariadne: Yeah, about that, you need to stop fucking up stuff with your projection wife.
Dom: Don’t judge me!
Arthur: So, what’s the idea then?
Dom: I will break up my father’s empire?
Arthur: Boring.
Eames: Screw you, dad?
Dom: Harsh.
Eames: My father accepts that I want to create for myself and not follow in his footsteps?
Dom: I like it, sounds like it’s from the script!
Arthur: *swoon*
Eames: *winks*
Arthur: *flustered* Um… NEEDS SPECIFICY!
Eames: You loooooove me.
Arthur: DO NOT!
Ariadne: Look! Time is passing. You can see it by me showing off my dream layer models and lots of shots of each of us sleeping and Dom being a creeper in the corner still.
Audience: Thanks for the update.
Dom: …I am not a creeper.
Arthur: Um, how are we going to sleep until later three, by the way?
Yusuf: Heroin.
Ariadne: *is excited*
Yusuf: Did I mention layer three is like ten years long?
Ariadne: Uh, what the fuck?
Arthur: So, waking up?
Dom: KICK!
Ariadne: Um?
Eames: I like kicking. *almost knocks over Arthur’s chair*
Arthur: *GLARE*
Eames: *charms*
Arthur: Fuck it, bang me now.
Fandom: OH MY GOD, MY NEW OTP!!!
Dom: Kicking is so we wake up, stupid.
Ariadne: *pouts*
Yusuf: I’m so skilled that I can knock you out so you’ll sleep down to layer three but if I push you over then BAM you wake up.
Everyone: *IMPRESSED*
Arthur: Why am I the test guinea pig?
Eames: *giggles*
Dom: And we’re going to play that Edith Piaf song to synchronize so that there will be a renewed interest in her music due to the movie.
Mal: Plus it’s just so damn amusing with the acting parallels!
---Practicing dream layer two---
Eames: Bloody hell, are we still doing exposition?
Arthur: We’re taking a plane.
Saito: I bought an airline.
Everyone: BZUH!?
Saito: Bitchin’.
Dom: *dreaming alone in dark corner*
Ariadne: No fair, I want to play too!
---Dom’s creepy dream---
Ariadne: So… like I’m in an elevator now or something?
Mal: Want to make out?
Dom: We’re so romantic.
Ariadne: *creeps*
Mal: I FUCKING SEE YOU, WHORE!
Dom: No interrupting my play time!
Ariadne: This is really kind of clinically wrong.
Dom: I can stop any time I want to!
Ariadne: Are these memories?
Dom: Um…
Ariadne: So wrong.
Dom: I also abandoned my children and I can’t see their faces anymore. *SNIFFLE*
Ariadne: Going to the basement!
Mal: I get to wear all the sexy dresses.
Ariadne: Femslash?
Mal: I’ll tell you a riddle!
Ariadne: This ‘waiting for a train’ thing has been popping up all over this movie…
Dom: SAVED YOUR LIFE!
Mal: STOP CHEATING ON ME WITH TINY GIRL!
Dom: *soooo emo*
Ariadne: You have problems.
Saito: THE DAD IS DEAD, IT’S GAME TIME!
Dom: You’re not going to fuck me over when we get to LA, are you?
Saito: Psh, no.
---PLANE---
Eames: *is pretty*
Fischer: OUT OF MY WAY, ENGLISH WANKER!
Eames: *steals your passport*
Dom: Hey, did your dad die?
Fischer: I’m not sad about it at all. Really.
Dom: Have some sedative then.
Fischer: Well, don’t mind if I - zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Dom: LET’S GO TEAM! I promise there is nothing really really important about this dream job which could jeopardize your lives that I haven’t told you.
---THE DREAM BEGINS---
Arthur: Thanks for the piss rain.
Yusuf: Racist.
Dom: Catch that cab!
Fischer: I’m getting wet.
Eames: Wanna share?
Fischer: Get the fuck out of my -
Saito: *GUN*
Fischer: …my wallet is worth more than $500.
Eames: Taking it!
*SURPRISE BAM*
Audience: *JUMPS IN SEAT*
Ariadne: WE JUST GOT HIT BY A TRAIN!!!
Dom: ….I get this reference.
Eames: MY WINDOW JUST GOT SHOT!
Arthur: FUCK, ATTACK PROJECTIONS!
Saito: This is not going to be good for me as the ethnic minority in this car…
Arthur: *shooting*
Eames: *more shooting*
Dom: *driving*
Arthur: *better driving*
Eames: *even more shooting
Everyone: *ESCAPING*
Saito: I’M SHOT!
Dom: *FREAK OUT*
Arthur: So, Fischer’s been trained…
Dom: OMG, WHY DIDN’T YOU FIND THIS OUT, I BLAME YOU!
Arthur: Drama queen.
Dom: AND EVERYONE THINKS YOU’RE HOTTER THAN ME IN THIS FILM.
Eames: Well, I’ll just shoot Saito awake and -
Dom: INTERCEPTION!
Yusuf: We’re too heavily sedated to wake up when we die.
Eames, Arthur, and Ariadne: What. The. Fuck.
Dom: We’ll drop into limbo instead.
Ariadne: 8th grade dance game?
Arthur: Unconstructed dream space.
Eames: Like hell for your brain.
Yusuf: It could be infinite.
Dom: Eh, it was okay… except not.
Saito: …Shit.
Arthur: DOM, YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE!
Dom: I had to.
Eames: MAJOR ASSHOLE.
Dom: It’s the only way we could do it.
Yusuf: NOW THEY THINK I’M AN ASSHOLE TOO, YOU ASSHOLE.
Dom: IT’S ALL ABOUT ME! HAD TO GET BACK TO MY CHILDREN! *EMO*
Everyone: *evil stare*
Eames: Fuck this, I quit.
Dom: I’ll give you Arthur.
Arthur: What?
Eames: BACK IN.
Dom: Gangster time!
Fischer: This sucks.
Arthur: Could we please have the imaginary combination to your father’s imaginary personal safe?
Fischer: Y’all trippin.
Dom: Torture time, punk!
Yusuf: *sniff the wallet*
Eames: I found the touching photograph!
Yusuf: …that sounds dirty, you know.
Dom: You’ve got one hour.
Eames: You can’t rush art.
Dom: I’ll take Arthur back.
Eames!Browning: OWIE!
Fischer: *WHIMPER*
Eames!Browning: Answer their questions!
Fischer: It’s bullshit.
Eames!Browning: Pleeeeeeeeease, your daddy loved you.
Fischer: He was a cunt!
Eames!Browning: This is going to be problematic.
Dom: Ready for it? Ready for it? Back story.
Ariadne: All I do in this movie is hang out with you and listen to you bitch.
Dom: Mal and I fell into limbo, built a world, got old… and crazy…
Ariadne: Sob story!
Dom: So I decided to incep - I mean, we had to kill ourselves.
Mal: So sad and dramatic… blah blah.
Dom: You’re waiting for a train…
Ariadne: Please, not the riddle again.
Dom: Buuuuut… Mal went batshit on me.
Mal: OMG NOTHING IS REAL!!!!!
---Flashing back to that hotel room we already saw when it was femslash time---
Dom: Do de do, anniversary night of hotel room sexing!
Mal: Hey, I’m out on this window ledge.
Dom: NOT GOOD!
Mal: So, let’s jump.
Dom: No, thanks.
Mal: You’ve gotta jump with me.
Dom: I’d rather not.
Mal: I told everyone you wanted to kill me.
Dom: *GASP*
Mal: Jumping time.
Dom: NO MEANS NO!
Mal: *JUMPS TO HER DEATH*
Dom: OH MY GOD, NOW I’M GOING TO BE EMO FOREVER! *SOB*
Ariadne: My heart!
Dom: *sniffle*
Ariadne: I’m still kind of pissed about you lying and all though.
Dom: Uh oh, projections.
Fischer: Can we leave now?
Dom: GIVE US NUMBERS!
Fischer: I DUH KNO!
Dom: I will shoot Eames - I mean, Browning!
Fischer: 528491
Audience: Oooooo! Do those numbers mean something?
Christopher Nolan: No.
Dom: Time for a ride in the van.
Eames: Did I mention that his daddy issues are hella bad?
Arthur: Uh, duh!
Dom: Whatever, we’re still good.
Arthur: Why don’t you work a little harder, English prick!
Eames: I love when you talk dirty.
Arthur: *SHOOTS*
Eames: You mustn’t be afraid to dream a little bigger darling.
Fandom: HE SAID DARLING! Let me use this is every single fanfic ever!
Eames: *Big ass gun of win*
Arthur: *swoooooons*
Dom: So, Mr. Charles?
Arthur: Really? Remember last time when we DIED doing that?
Yusuf: Have fun on the second layer kids!
---LAYER TWO---
Eames!Talulah Riley: I am really hot and blond.
Fischer: Wasn’t I doing something else a second ago?
Eames!Talulah Riley: You could be doing me.
Dom: Peekaboo
Fischer: I don’t swing that way.
Eames!Talulah Riley: Gotta go, have my number which happens to be that number you just said like five minutes ago.
Fischer: Huh?
Arthur: Dom is totally going to fuck this up.
Ariadne: What’s with the weird bun on the top of my head?
Eames!Talulah Riley: Hey cutie!
Saito: Stop confusing my sexuality, Eames! *cough*
Yusuf: I’M BEING SHOT AT WHILE I’M TRYING TO DRIVE!
Dom: I am Mr. Charles.
Fischer: I am confused.
Dom: Subconscious security!
Fischer: Stop trying to sound fancy, I know what extraction is.
Kids: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!
Dom: Crap.
Fischer: Um.
Projections: We see you!
Dom: YOU’RE TOTALLY DREAMING!
Fischer: *FREAK OUT*
Arthur: I would rather not be killed by projections and sent to limbo, thanks.
Ariadne: I’d rather not be wearing a boring gray suit.
Arthur: Want to make out?
Ariadne: The fangirls would kill me…
Arthur: I am Joseph Gordon-Levitt, you know.
Ariadne: Let’s do it.
Fischer: Save me, projection security guy!
Dom: Let’s run and kill people in the bathroom!
Fischer: Shouldn’t I kill myself to wake up and stuff?
Dom: …no.
Fischer: Holy shit, I’m kidnapped in a van!
Arthur: I like bombs.
Ariadne: I’m going to ask a bunch of questions about falling and the dream and stuff even though we’ve been working together for what has to have been months and months and I should already know all this.
Arthur: Aw, poor audience connection character.
Dom: Hotel room door kick!
Eames and Saito: *creepin on your projection*
Browning: Hi.
Dom: I think he’s a bad guy.
Fischer: No way! He’s like the only one who loves me.
Dom: Did you see him get tortured?
Fischer: *GASP* Betrayal!
Browning: But I didn’t want you to get the alternate will and break up the company since you are so skilled and could totally create your own awesome company better than your dad!
Eames: *wipes a tear*
Dom: Let’s go under again!
Fischer: 3rd time?
Dom: It’s only the 2nd *shifty eyes* really.
Fischer: Bring it.
Eames: You going to miss me when I go down to layer three, Arthur?
Arthur: …no
Eames: *flirts*
Arthur: *smiles*
Eames: Can we have sex now?
Arthur: Go to sleep, Mr. fucking sexy porn lips Eames.
Fandom: I LOVE THIS SCENE!
Het Lovers: *grumps*
---LAYER THREE---
Dom: It’s snowy.
Ariadne: Anyone else noticed how we haven’t actually seen Mal this whole dream crazy time yet? Probably want to keep our eyes open this level.
Arthur: Gonna go be a distraction.
Yusuf: Still driving and being shot at!
Arthur: I think I’m being followed…
Yusuf: Bumpy driving and sharp turns.
Arthur: Um, leaning hotel!
Projection: *gets slammed*
Yusuf: MY CAR IS ROLLING OVER!
Arthur: And now I get the most BAD ASS scene in the movie. RUNNING ALL OVER THE WALLS AND THE CEILING AND KICKING PROJECTION ASS!
Projections: *so dead*
*Van stops rolling*
Arthur: Fucking win.
Yusuf: *giggle* I’m alive!
Dom: Back on level three…
Saito and Fisher: Time to storm the castle.
Eames: I’ll go run around.
Ariadne: And I get stuck with Dom… again.
Yusuf: And I’ve finally made it to the bridge. Fucking traffic.
Eames: Come to the sexy forger, projections!
Yusuf: Okay, fuck this dream, we are heading out!
Dom: Um… anyone else hear French just now?
Projections: BITCH PLEASE.
Eames: *skis around*
Dom: Can they get there faster than climbing up a mountain?
Ariadne: Um…
Dom: Aw, come on, I’m sure telling me the layout won’t end in some TOTAL FORESEEABLE catastrophe.
Ariadne: Well, okay.
Arthur: *running*
Yusuf: *driving*
Arthur: PARADOX! Tee hee, I like dropping bodies.
Yusuf: See ya! *gives you the finger*
---KICK #1---
Arthur: FUCK! *FLIES THROUGH THE AIR*
Saito: Holy shit avalanche! *FALLS DOWN THE MOUNTAIN*
Dom: Um. We missed the kick.
Eames: I am not being stuck in the snow for ten god damn years!
Yusuf: Free fall!
Arthur: I have no gravity but at least that gives everyone great shots of how fucking dapper I am in this suit.
Audience: *MELTS*
Fischer: And we’re inside the fortress.
Eames: Um… I think shit is going down?
Dom: I’m sure it’s nothing.
Arthur: Anti-gravity FIGHT TIME!
Eames: Chasing projections
Arthur: Moving people into an elevator.
Fischer: I think my time to shine is getting closer!
Dom: Everything is going really well despite that whole militarized projections thing!
Ariadne: Knock on wood?
Mal: Surprise!
Ariadne: OMG, SHOOT THE BITCH!
Dom: *sniffle* I think I’m going to pussy out.
Mal: Hey, Scarecrow.
Fischer: Huh?
*SHOT*
Dom: OMG! *shoots Mal*
Ariadne: You fucking idiot!
Eames: I’m going to touch Fischer’s chest under his shirt now.
Ariadne: *jealous*
Dom: Total fail boat!
Saito: Uh, PS - still dying.
Ariadne: We could go to limbo?
Eames: You crazy?
Ariadne: Dom’s going to jail if we don’t.
Dom: Okay, let’s go to limbo then!
Eames: So glad I’m the dreamer for this level.
Ariadne: Um…. Limbo is a beach?
Dom: And I am wet yet again.
Audience: We have no problem with that.
Arthur: Elevator time!
Yusuf: Still falling.
Eames: Hey Saito, even though you’re dying could you maybe kick the shit out of some projections with this grenade for me?
Saito: I would totally go gay for you.
Eames: That’s the spirit!
Dom: I will now give you the tour of limbo!
Ariadne: Are we in Cuba?
Arthur: I am going to blow up this elevator, ha ha!
Eames: Shooting people in the snow, ha ha!
Dom: So we lived in this house and this house and -
Ariadne: Is this little French house significant?
Dom: NO! Of course not! No!
Ariadne: Um…
Dom: So, put my last house inside a building and here we are.
Mal: Hi, I’m playing with a knife.
Dom: Do you have my mark somewhere?
Mal: I can make a mark when I stab you.
Dom: You’re not real…. Not at all.
Mal: You love me.
Ariadne: Oh god, this is going to take forever isn’t it?
Yusuf, Arthur, Eames: We’re still falling, floating, and shooting shit up.
Saito: Am I dead yet?
Dom: So, um, I performed inception on you.
Mal: …wait, what?
Ariadne: Holy fuck!
Dom: I spun your top in the safe so you’d kill yourself with me and we could escape from limbo. THE TOP WAS A SYMBOL!
Ariadne: Sort of.
Mal: So, what you’re saying is that it’s your fault that I killed myself in reality?
Dom: Basically.
Ariadne: That explains the emo guilt a bit better.
Mal: Well, you owe me then don’t you? So, you should stay here and be crazy with me!
Dom: Or I could not.
Mal: Or you could.
Saito: And I’m dead.
Arthur: Here, Eames, have a little song since I LOVE YOU SO MUCH - I mean, to warn you about the kick coming…
Eames: About fucking time.
Fischer: *is zapped*
Ariadne: Time to go now!
Mal: Bitch please, YOU ARE MINE!
Dom: Okay cool.
Ariadne: Wait what?
Mal: Sweet! Take the skinny rich boy.
Fischer: I’m kidnapped again.
Ariadne: Is it weird that I’m kind of into this mouth gag thing?
Dom: By the way, not actually staying with you since you’re not real and all.
Mal: FUCKING STAB YOU.
Ariadne: FUCKING SHOOT YOU, PWNED!
Dom: Whoa! Bitch fight!
Ariadne: *kicks Fischer off the porch*
Fischer: *GASP* Holy shit that was trippy!
Yusuf: Still falling.
Arthur: *EXPLODEY* And now I’m falling too, except cooler since I’m in an elevator.
Yusuf: Vans are cool!
Arthur: Are not!
Fischer: Um… So, I’m supposed to open this giant vault thing now?
Pete Postlethwaite: *gurgle* Disssssssssssssssss…
Fischer: No dissing me!
Pete Postlethwaite: I was disappointed…
Fischer: *SNIFFLE*
Pete Postlethwaite: That you tired to be me.
Fischer: *GASP* Affection!?
Yusuf and Arthur: Stiiiiiiiiiiill falling.
Eames: Um… we kind of have a time limit here so the Hallmark moment should really speed up.
Pete Postlethwaite: Check out my safe.
Fischer: oooo those numbers came in handy. Hmm… let’s see. We’ve got the will on top and below we have… *SNIFFLE* MAI PINWHEEL!!!!!
Pete Postlethwaite: *is dead*
Fischer: OMG, MY HEART! *SOBS*
*INCEPTION IS A GO*
Eames: FUCK YES! *EXPLODES THE WHOLE FORTRESS*
Ariadne: We gotta go, Dom.
Dom: Nah, you go ahead.
Ariadne: No limbo repeat rounds!
Dom: Nah, I’m going to rescue the Asian in distress.
Ariadne: All right, buh bye. *jumps off building*
*EVERYONE FALLS AND WAKES UP ALL OVER THE PLACE, SO DRAMATIC!*
Dom: Sorry about the inception and making you kill yourself and all.
Mal: At least you angsted for years over it.
Fischer: I am going to be my own man like a big boy because daddy liked me!
Eames!Browning: I need to get a new job.
Arthur: Um… about Dom?
Ariadne: He’s going on a rescue mission.
Arthur: …sure he is.
Dom: Wow, you got old.
Saito: Wait… is this a dream?
Dom: Yeah, kinda.
Saito: So, I need to kill us both?
Dom: That would be correct.
Saito: Should we show it on camera to make absolutely no doubt at all about what is reality and what is a dream?
Dom: Nah, people are smart enough to figure it out.
---Back on the plane---
Dom: And I’m alive.
Saito: You son of a bitch, you let me die and fall into limbo!
Dom: You’re still gonna call so I don’t go to jail right?
Saito: I’ll call your mom!
Dom: Sweet, I got through customs. I love omnipotent-like characters!
Ariadne: Aw, now that wasn’t so bad.
Yusuf: I am never working with you again.
Arthur: I swear I’m NOT going to go to a hotel to bang Eames now.
Eames: He’s lying.
Arthur: Yeah, I am.
Michael Caine: And I’m back for two more seconds of screen time!
Dom: Home sweet home. I may as well spin my top for old time sake even though I got over the whole Mal, what is reality thing back in limbo for the second time.
Kids: LEONARDO DIC - WE MEAN, DADDY!
Dom: MY BABIES!
Top: Spin spin spin spin spin whoooooble -
---BLACK SCREEN, BITCHES, HA HA!---
Christopher Nolan: I can haz awards now?