From Arielle: 2/11/04
Don’t quite know what to write or say to you. Just kind of writing whatever feels right (which means this will probably not make any sense whatsoever, be prepared). Always should do what feels good in your heart, right? Even though I don’t know what is right, or what feels right. I feel so sideways and upside down and this nauseating spiral of emotions is so chaotic I can’t even say, “I want a sandwich” without questioning its validity. Maybe it’s you; maybe you’re the one making me question everything within myself. Not that that’s always a bad thing, however I feel so highly impressionable lately… Maybe in your constant search of justification of my love you have me questioning all that we’ve established. But then, that brings up the paradoxical question of whether or not love really needs to be justified. I mean, I don’t want to place everything on you, maybe with me leaving, and my over-analysis of everything valuable in my life, I test everything I have, to see if it’s worth keeping. I really don’t know what I have…. I just know I’m scared. I don’t know why I question everything we have, I amplify even the most miniscule of problems, I doubt our strength. Like I said before, I just know I’m highly impressionable as of late, I’m scared beyond reason, and I don’t want us to end. I don’t want to leave. But I’m afraid to talk to you because of your uncanny ability to doubt anything I say to you.
I still… I don’t know…
fight back tears when I hear 3 doors down,
write love poems when we’re apart, just because I miss you,
wait by the phone for your call,
dream about you almost every night,
kiss your tag before I go to bed,
would drive 150 miles with a bad alignment, cracked windshield, bad tranny, etc. just to
see you,
like the sound of Arielle Nazzaro,
check your away message, even though I know it hasn’t changed,
talk-and think-about you constantly,
cringe when you talk about us being apart, even for a little while,
show off your picture, whenever I can,
chuckle when I hear “Holidae In,”
think of your criticisms when I see a bad painting job,
think of you to get me through PT,
listen to Kansas, just because it reminds me of you,
appreciate all of your sacrifices for me,
smile on Sundays… you understand why,
fear bowling outings,
think of you, and smile when I see a blue pickup,
listen a little closer when I hear about apartment openings,
have some of your text messages saved, because they made me smile,
come up with complex plans to see you,
think you’re silly when you talk about being insecure,
admire you for who & all you are,
want you here by my side,
want us to remain us,
believe things will be better when I get home,
love you, and hurt when you doubt that, and
I still could add more to this list
I still… I don’t know…
fight back tears when I hear 3 doors down,
write love poems when we’re apart, just because I miss you,
wait by the phone for your call,
dream about you almost every night,
kiss your tag before I go to bed,
would drive 150 miles with a bad alignment, cracked windshield, bad tranny, etc. just to
see you,
like the sound of Arielle Nazzaro,
check your away message, even though I know it hasn’t changed,
talk-and think-about you constantly,
cringe when you talk about us being apart, even for a little while,
show off your picture, whenever I can,
chuckle when I hear “Holidae In,”
think of your criticisms when I see a bad painting job,
think of you to get me through PT,
listen to Kansas, just because it reminds me of you,
appreciate all of your sacrifices for me,
smile on Sundays… you understand why,
fear bowling outings,
think of you, and smile when I see a blue pickup,
listen a little closer when I hear about apartment openings,
have some of your text messages saved, because they made me smile,
come up with complex plans to see you,
think you’re silly when you talk about being insecure,
admire you for who & all you are,
want you here by my side,
want us to remain us,
believe things will be better when I get home,
love you, and hurt when you doubt that, and
I still could add more to this list