4 years later...
Out of inspiration from a friend, I decided to revisit my livejournal page. I started reading some of the entries and just laughed at how immature, naive, and even annoying I was in my posts. To all of you who actually sat there and read them, I extend my deepest apologies. However, I feel like I should reinstate this creative outlet in my life; So much goes on in my head that I rarely let transcend into reality. So here it goes...
Identity: a firm grasp of who you are, where you are going, and how you fit into society.
I agree that this is a well exhausted and dare-say cliche topic of discussion; however, it is one that has been on my mind recently. Not so much addressing the question of "what is my identity", but rather "how much of my identity was my decision" and "is my idenity genuine or a series of adaptations". I usually ask myself these questions when I have met someone new, and we are still in the introductory phase of the relationship. As I get older, I realize this discourse consists of much more direct, informative questions aiming at uncovering ideals, morals, and principles rather than interests and hobbies. This very well may be the natural progession of maturity, however, it can prove to be intimidating at times because it challenges me to solidify my identity. Thus, these questions arise and I try to prune out everything but the qualtities of my ideal self.
The quality that causes me the most confusion is my "easy-going attitude". Several guys I have dated have commented on this quality of mine. They claim that I am "not like most girls" in the sense that I do not get overly emotional and clingy in a relationship. Most of the time, this laid-backness is very much appreciated and preferred by both sides of the relationship. Neither of us become suffocated and drama rarely seeps in to cause arguments--sounds like an ideal situation. I hate being catagorized as a "typical girl", therefore when people tell me a quality that sets me apart in a positive way, you better believe that it will be reinforced. Therefore, this has been a defining quality of who I am am when I introtude myself to anyone. I easily adapt to new situations and can go with the flow effortlessly while always being open to something new and different. I find this quality useful in the practical contexts of travel, food, hobbies, and interests--always being able to try something new without much hesitation enriches my life. However, this is not the case in relationships. As stated, it seems like it would be an ideal situation, but it has caused me much more grief than ease.
The reason I don't get clingy in relationships is because I rarely get attatched to people. I have no problem developing a likeness for them--I just don't ever establish a solid "I can't stand to be away from you" attitude. Sometimes this has led the person I am with to feel like I don't care about them, and the relationship usually goes downhill from there. I havn't yet figured out what this lack of attachment means. Have I just not found the right person, or am I emotionally incapable of developing a closer bond with someone?
Some have told me that I "put up walls" and don't let anyone in. I fucking HATE when people say this. It is entirely untrue. Yes, I have some mechanisms to protect myself from being hurt, but these are minimal. Obviously I dont want to get hurt, but I'm not afraid to. I am secure enough in who I am that no matter what you do, I know I will be okay in the longrun. I have been in situations where I have wanted more than anything to develop an attachment to a person, I just physically can't. I am not convincing myself not too, I am not holding back, and I'm not building walls to protect myself from getting hurt. I'm running full speed toward something that I simply can't achieve.
Noted, I shouldn't say I can't achieve...it has happened once or twice. However, I think there were other factors in effect here that conflict with the real issue at hand.
My point is, I claim to be an easy going person--but this is not how I want to be (atleast not within relationships). I don't actively choose to be unattached to people, nor do I choose to distance myself emotionally from people. In a sense, this is a quality that has been chosen for me--either biologically or environmentally. I'm not saying I want to turn into a crazy, psychotic girlfriend who calls/texts every 5 minutes to check in...because I really don't think I would ever get to that point. However, I do want to be with someone who I actually look forward to seeing, and miss when they are gone--Not just someone who I like spending time with at the moment, and don't think about until the next time I see them.
Ultimately, my ideal self isn't void of human emotion, but I do not know how to change this aspect of my idenity. I hope its simply because I havn't found the right person and not because I am truly incapable.
Those are my thoughts. The end.
Identity: a firm grasp of who you are, where you are going, and how you fit into society.
I agree that this is a well exhausted and dare-say cliche topic of discussion; however, it is one that has been on my mind recently. Not so much addressing the question of "what is my identity", but rather "how much of my identity was my decision" and "is my idenity genuine or a series of adaptations". I usually ask myself these questions when I have met someone new, and we are still in the introductory phase of the relationship. As I get older, I realize this discourse consists of much more direct, informative questions aiming at uncovering ideals, morals, and principles rather than interests and hobbies. This very well may be the natural progession of maturity, however, it can prove to be intimidating at times because it challenges me to solidify my identity. Thus, these questions arise and I try to prune out everything but the qualtities of my ideal self.
The quality that causes me the most confusion is my "easy-going attitude". Several guys I have dated have commented on this quality of mine. They claim that I am "not like most girls" in the sense that I do not get overly emotional and clingy in a relationship. Most of the time, this laid-backness is very much appreciated and preferred by both sides of the relationship. Neither of us become suffocated and drama rarely seeps in to cause arguments--sounds like an ideal situation. I hate being catagorized as a "typical girl", therefore when people tell me a quality that sets me apart in a positive way, you better believe that it will be reinforced. Therefore, this has been a defining quality of who I am am when I introtude myself to anyone. I easily adapt to new situations and can go with the flow effortlessly while always being open to something new and different. I find this quality useful in the practical contexts of travel, food, hobbies, and interests--always being able to try something new without much hesitation enriches my life. However, this is not the case in relationships. As stated, it seems like it would be an ideal situation, but it has caused me much more grief than ease.
The reason I don't get clingy in relationships is because I rarely get attatched to people. I have no problem developing a likeness for them--I just don't ever establish a solid "I can't stand to be away from you" attitude. Sometimes this has led the person I am with to feel like I don't care about them, and the relationship usually goes downhill from there. I havn't yet figured out what this lack of attachment means. Have I just not found the right person, or am I emotionally incapable of developing a closer bond with someone?
Some have told me that I "put up walls" and don't let anyone in. I fucking HATE when people say this. It is entirely untrue. Yes, I have some mechanisms to protect myself from being hurt, but these are minimal. Obviously I dont want to get hurt, but I'm not afraid to. I am secure enough in who I am that no matter what you do, I know I will be okay in the longrun. I have been in situations where I have wanted more than anything to develop an attachment to a person, I just physically can't. I am not convincing myself not too, I am not holding back, and I'm not building walls to protect myself from getting hurt. I'm running full speed toward something that I simply can't achieve.
Noted, I shouldn't say I can't achieve...it has happened once or twice. However, I think there were other factors in effect here that conflict with the real issue at hand.
My point is, I claim to be an easy going person--but this is not how I want to be (atleast not within relationships). I don't actively choose to be unattached to people, nor do I choose to distance myself emotionally from people. In a sense, this is a quality that has been chosen for me--either biologically or environmentally. I'm not saying I want to turn into a crazy, psychotic girlfriend who calls/texts every 5 minutes to check in...because I really don't think I would ever get to that point. However, I do want to be with someone who I actually look forward to seeing, and miss when they are gone--Not just someone who I like spending time with at the moment, and don't think about until the next time I see them.
Ultimately, my ideal self isn't void of human emotion, but I do not know how to change this aspect of my idenity. I hope its simply because I havn't found the right person and not because I am truly incapable.
Those are my thoughts. The end.