(no subject)
Explanations: I’ve been in school for a month and have made exactly 0 friends. I’m not saying I haven’t made any close friends. I’m not saying I don’t have anyone to ask out to lunch. I’m saying, in the month I’ve been here, I have no one, other that the really weird guy in my math class, who will even carry on a conversation with me. Fuck, say ‘hi’ back.
I was really hoping gymnastics would be it, but the longer I participate, the larger the divide becomes between me and everyone else. I’m the odd duck who can’t. I’d take time to join another club, but I’ve already paid my 100$ dues and I flat don’t have TIME. Classes and gymnastics are my places to fish for friends and I’ve come up empty.
I’d like to say it’s because I’m lazy and if I try harder I’ll see results, but it’s not. Socially, I just function completely different. Not ‘Different than other people’, I mean ‘Different than southern social circles’, and ‘different that a bunch of 18 year olds fresh out of their parent’s houses’, and ‘different from athletes’. I know, somewhere else, I’d be just fine, but here? Pffft, here I’m swing and a miss all over the place. I try to be helpful and put myself out there, but it’s not working.
Honestly, at this point, I’m saying ‘Fuck it’. I’ve lived without social interaction for a year. It SUCKED, but I can do it. I want my degree - which is a whole ‘nother clusterfuck I need to fix, right now - and I want out of Texas. That’s it. Cheerful, optimistic Griff is done. This is a great school, academically. I want my piece of paper and I want gone. I’m moving to California and I’ll go from there.
Of course, I say this, and I’ve got at least three years ahead of me, possibly five.
I’ll make friends along the line somewhere, I’m sure, but right now, I can’t even imagine where the line is.
Heck, I thought maybe doing some more liberal-minded things would be better, yes? Surely they’ll have people I could relate to. So, I’m doing the Lubbock SlutWalk in a couple weeks because it matters, but not because of the women involved. And yes, it’s only women. And dear God, are they against the patriarchy. You can’t even be open-minded as a Liberal in Texas! There’s always gotta be someone to hate! We can’t possibly be participating in anti-slut shaming and anti-victim blaming for all victims. Nope, only women are shunned for admitting rape, blamed for their attack, and told ‘but, was it really…’. And the people in charge of SWL get mean about that. JUST WOMEN.
And the thing is, while I sure as hell don’t stand with that mentality, women are being told those things and SlutWalk DOES raise awareness. I’ll probably be labeled as a ‘Crazy Man-hating Feminist’, but I’m sick and tired of having to check my actions beforehand in case it gives off the wrong impression, because I’m ‘trying to make friends’.
I’m not making any, so I might as well do whatever I want. It’s not like it’ll be the first time people have decided I’m something I’m not. Besides, go ahead! Call me a feminist! IT’S NOT A DIRTY WORD. I’m certainly not a man hater, but I am someone willing to carry a sign around so maybe, just maybe, a victim of rape won’t have to feel like it’s their fault because they wore their tight new jeans around their best friend's boyfriend.
To top it off, I’m pretty sure depression’s hitting. It’s partially bad habits from 12 years of Seasonal Affective Disorder, but it’s also situational depression, methinks. I’m stressed from school. I’m bummed by the lack of friends. I’m frustrated by my lack of time to cook meals or go grocery shopping, so I’m eating crap that runs me down and makes me feel like shit, or I don’t eat anything at all. I’m angry at myself for not going to every gymnastics practice when I should, for not walking the dog, for not running, because I NEED to be active. I can’t go to school and come home. I have to exercise.
I’m just angry and exhausted and lonely, and there’s nothing to be done for it than just keep moving. Which is hard. It’s so hard. I’m taking a math class I didn’t pass the last TWO TIMES I took it. I’m in a history class that bores the shit out of me. Physics would be fine if I ever showed up, but I do the homework and come for labs, so I guess that’s good enough for now. Except it’s not and I know it.
I was sick this weekend and missed my team camping trip, and honestly? I’m not sorry. It would’ve been fun, I’m sure, but it would’ve been stressful. Hours and hours with people who have no interest in getting to know me, in the middle of nowhere, without my dog, and no vehicle of my own. It sounds as much fun as family holidays to me. I leave as soon as I can, for the record.
I’m just so ready to be out of this place.
Hey all. I’m kinda in need of hugs. Or text messages. Or phone calls. Just - *sighs*.
I was really hoping gymnastics would be it, but the longer I participate, the larger the divide becomes between me and everyone else. I’m the odd duck who can’t. I’d take time to join another club, but I’ve already paid my 100$ dues and I flat don’t have TIME. Classes and gymnastics are my places to fish for friends and I’ve come up empty.
I’d like to say it’s because I’m lazy and if I try harder I’ll see results, but it’s not. Socially, I just function completely different. Not ‘Different than other people’, I mean ‘Different than southern social circles’, and ‘different that a bunch of 18 year olds fresh out of their parent’s houses’, and ‘different from athletes’. I know, somewhere else, I’d be just fine, but here? Pffft, here I’m swing and a miss all over the place. I try to be helpful and put myself out there, but it’s not working.
Honestly, at this point, I’m saying ‘Fuck it’. I’ve lived without social interaction for a year. It SUCKED, but I can do it. I want my degree - which is a whole ‘nother clusterfuck I need to fix, right now - and I want out of Texas. That’s it. Cheerful, optimistic Griff is done. This is a great school, academically. I want my piece of paper and I want gone. I’m moving to California and I’ll go from there.
Of course, I say this, and I’ve got at least three years ahead of me, possibly five.
I’ll make friends along the line somewhere, I’m sure, but right now, I can’t even imagine where the line is.
Heck, I thought maybe doing some more liberal-minded things would be better, yes? Surely they’ll have people I could relate to. So, I’m doing the Lubbock SlutWalk in a couple weeks because it matters, but not because of the women involved. And yes, it’s only women. And dear God, are they against the patriarchy. You can’t even be open-minded as a Liberal in Texas! There’s always gotta be someone to hate! We can’t possibly be participating in anti-slut shaming and anti-victim blaming for all victims. Nope, only women are shunned for admitting rape, blamed for their attack, and told ‘but, was it really…’. And the people in charge of SWL get mean about that. JUST WOMEN.
And the thing is, while I sure as hell don’t stand with that mentality, women are being told those things and SlutWalk DOES raise awareness. I’ll probably be labeled as a ‘Crazy Man-hating Feminist’, but I’m sick and tired of having to check my actions beforehand in case it gives off the wrong impression, because I’m ‘trying to make friends’.
I’m not making any, so I might as well do whatever I want. It’s not like it’ll be the first time people have decided I’m something I’m not. Besides, go ahead! Call me a feminist! IT’S NOT A DIRTY WORD. I’m certainly not a man hater, but I am someone willing to carry a sign around so maybe, just maybe, a victim of rape won’t have to feel like it’s their fault because they wore their tight new jeans around their best friend's boyfriend.
To top it off, I’m pretty sure depression’s hitting. It’s partially bad habits from 12 years of Seasonal Affective Disorder, but it’s also situational depression, methinks. I’m stressed from school. I’m bummed by the lack of friends. I’m frustrated by my lack of time to cook meals or go grocery shopping, so I’m eating crap that runs me down and makes me feel like shit, or I don’t eat anything at all. I’m angry at myself for not going to every gymnastics practice when I should, for not walking the dog, for not running, because I NEED to be active. I can’t go to school and come home. I have to exercise.
I’m just angry and exhausted and lonely, and there’s nothing to be done for it than just keep moving. Which is hard. It’s so hard. I’m taking a math class I didn’t pass the last TWO TIMES I took it. I’m in a history class that bores the shit out of me. Physics would be fine if I ever showed up, but I do the homework and come for labs, so I guess that’s good enough for now. Except it’s not and I know it.
I was sick this weekend and missed my team camping trip, and honestly? I’m not sorry. It would’ve been fun, I’m sure, but it would’ve been stressful. Hours and hours with people who have no interest in getting to know me, in the middle of nowhere, without my dog, and no vehicle of my own. It sounds as much fun as family holidays to me. I leave as soon as I can, for the record.
I’m just so ready to be out of this place.
Hey all. I’m kinda in need of hugs. Or text messages. Or phone calls. Just - *sighs*.