thoughts of a cat lady
Something that just happened made me start to really ponder. I really just need to get this all out and organized. so what happened: I'm sitting on the couch watching this movie, Dreamland, a really good movie about loving but also living for oneself. Cleo, my youngest baby, only three months who lost his balls today and was microchiped jumps on the couch, sprawls himself on my stomach and chest, and falls asleep. while i watch, i pet him and breath with him (my one breath for his two breaths). after the movie, he's still on me fast asleep so i just sit there thinking and here are some of those thoughts, hope it makes sense.
to put this in a little bit more context, I sometimes go through periods in my life where i just isolate myself. sometimes i just devote myself to family like when i spent the summer with my Granny. This time, winter break, I've just been hanging out with my cats and little bit with my family. Its not even really that I isolate myself. Its just that I can be completely content by myself. I'm not going to actively seek companionship because there is no need. If you call me I'll call you back, if you email me I will email you back, but I don't really have to have others in my life. I guess I'm an introvert. That's the one side of my thoughts.
But then here's more, here's i guess the other side. I was really fucking worried about Cleo's surgury. I didn't even realize that I was soo worried about it till I thought back. Last night I fixed myself a drink, just one, but i did make it pretty strong, about 1/3 rum, probably 2-3 shots, and i got frickin wasted. I'm lying on the ground passing out with my cats around me, and i'm thinking this is really fucking stupid, I'm not going to sleep on my living room floor. It takes an hour for me just to change clothes and brush my teeth. I get in bed and the world is just scarily spinning around me, and i just want it to stop spinning. i can't close my eyes to sleep due to the spinning. i get up and throw up in the toliet a couple of times. at the time it didn't strike me as that peculiar, but the throw up was mostly red, and i don't remember eating anything red last night, and that sorta concerns me. i should not have drunk but i totally got of onto another tangent and i'm sorry. anyway i only slept 3 hours before i was wide awake at 6 am ready to take cleo to the vet, even though i couldn't drop him off till 8. i feel like shit. when i'm dropping him off, this lady is in the vet's office crying, freaking out, her cat just died. i get back home and go back to bed. jonas is crying because his brother is gone. i get him to come by me and calm him down, and eventually drift back to sleep. i ignore the phone as my mom calls (which reminds me i need to call her back). i'm dreaming a really vivid dream, one of those that are so vivid that you sometimes wonder if it actually happened when you are awake, the vet calls, and they are sorry but something happened during surgury and cleo is dead. i wake up with that dream and the vet calls in real life, its around 11am and cleo is out of surgury and awake and doing well. i call my dad back who beeped in on me when i was talking to the vet, i get out of bed, and feel wonderful. all those shitty feelings disappear once i get off the phone. i proceed to get dressed, eat lunch, and go walk the beach. its a wonderful day.
that long story of my day has a point, i promise. here's my take. its fucking scary, but, i really love that little kitten. that last night, the throwing up, the spinning, partially induced by the alcohol, but i know the symptoms, that was stress, anxiety, something i unfortunately know very very well at times. it was worry over a tiny surgury that all cats should have. and it scares me that i feel so much, that i am that attached to a kitten that I've only had since november. i don't want to lose my baby so strongly, because i really enjoy having him. its the zenlike moments like when he passes out on top of me or the tiny moments when we rub noses. and he's just a cat. and i didn't realize that i was so attached till now and it scares me.
so here's the question, the problem that i struggle with, that I have always struggled with. How do you love without growing attached? When I was in high school, I dabbled in buddhism. And by that I mean I read and thought about and accepted some of the teachings of the Dalai Lama. And something that has always stood out for me is the idea that you can love without being attached. That love and attachment are two seperate things. Love is good, love is wonderful, and attachment leads to pain. it leads to that anxiety, that fear, pain, all those negative emotions one can feel due to another. but how do you love, how do you care, and then not worry about that being. how do you not feel pain when you lose a loved one for example? that's what i've not understood.
and i don't feel i am one to even usually get that attached. i've always been what my dad has called fiercely independent. as i started out, i can be perfectly content by myself. i'm not the type to expect you to call me frequently. i'm not the one to cry at goodbyes. i'm afraid i often fear this attachment and become too distant. well i don't really fear atachment, but i don't want to negativities associated with attachment so i try to avoid it at all cost. but again, how do i avoid it when it sneaks in when i least expect it. the question is how do you love without attachment? such are my thoughts right this second.
i send all my love,
mb
to put this in a little bit more context, I sometimes go through periods in my life where i just isolate myself. sometimes i just devote myself to family like when i spent the summer with my Granny. This time, winter break, I've just been hanging out with my cats and little bit with my family. Its not even really that I isolate myself. Its just that I can be completely content by myself. I'm not going to actively seek companionship because there is no need. If you call me I'll call you back, if you email me I will email you back, but I don't really have to have others in my life. I guess I'm an introvert. That's the one side of my thoughts.
But then here's more, here's i guess the other side. I was really fucking worried about Cleo's surgury. I didn't even realize that I was soo worried about it till I thought back. Last night I fixed myself a drink, just one, but i did make it pretty strong, about 1/3 rum, probably 2-3 shots, and i got frickin wasted. I'm lying on the ground passing out with my cats around me, and i'm thinking this is really fucking stupid, I'm not going to sleep on my living room floor. It takes an hour for me just to change clothes and brush my teeth. I get in bed and the world is just scarily spinning around me, and i just want it to stop spinning. i can't close my eyes to sleep due to the spinning. i get up and throw up in the toliet a couple of times. at the time it didn't strike me as that peculiar, but the throw up was mostly red, and i don't remember eating anything red last night, and that sorta concerns me. i should not have drunk but i totally got of onto another tangent and i'm sorry. anyway i only slept 3 hours before i was wide awake at 6 am ready to take cleo to the vet, even though i couldn't drop him off till 8. i feel like shit. when i'm dropping him off, this lady is in the vet's office crying, freaking out, her cat just died. i get back home and go back to bed. jonas is crying because his brother is gone. i get him to come by me and calm him down, and eventually drift back to sleep. i ignore the phone as my mom calls (which reminds me i need to call her back). i'm dreaming a really vivid dream, one of those that are so vivid that you sometimes wonder if it actually happened when you are awake, the vet calls, and they are sorry but something happened during surgury and cleo is dead. i wake up with that dream and the vet calls in real life, its around 11am and cleo is out of surgury and awake and doing well. i call my dad back who beeped in on me when i was talking to the vet, i get out of bed, and feel wonderful. all those shitty feelings disappear once i get off the phone. i proceed to get dressed, eat lunch, and go walk the beach. its a wonderful day.
that long story of my day has a point, i promise. here's my take. its fucking scary, but, i really love that little kitten. that last night, the throwing up, the spinning, partially induced by the alcohol, but i know the symptoms, that was stress, anxiety, something i unfortunately know very very well at times. it was worry over a tiny surgury that all cats should have. and it scares me that i feel so much, that i am that attached to a kitten that I've only had since november. i don't want to lose my baby so strongly, because i really enjoy having him. its the zenlike moments like when he passes out on top of me or the tiny moments when we rub noses. and he's just a cat. and i didn't realize that i was so attached till now and it scares me.
so here's the question, the problem that i struggle with, that I have always struggled with. How do you love without growing attached? When I was in high school, I dabbled in buddhism. And by that I mean I read and thought about and accepted some of the teachings of the Dalai Lama. And something that has always stood out for me is the idea that you can love without being attached. That love and attachment are two seperate things. Love is good, love is wonderful, and attachment leads to pain. it leads to that anxiety, that fear, pain, all those negative emotions one can feel due to another. but how do you love, how do you care, and then not worry about that being. how do you not feel pain when you lose a loved one for example? that's what i've not understood.
and i don't feel i am one to even usually get that attached. i've always been what my dad has called fiercely independent. as i started out, i can be perfectly content by myself. i'm not the type to expect you to call me frequently. i'm not the one to cry at goodbyes. i'm afraid i often fear this attachment and become too distant. well i don't really fear atachment, but i don't want to negativities associated with attachment so i try to avoid it at all cost. but again, how do i avoid it when it sneaks in when i least expect it. the question is how do you love without attachment? such are my thoughts right this second.
i send all my love,
mb