she was all alone.
same thing over again. i run myself into a state of exasperated extreme expectations and i am just another one of my own experiments. ive seen so much and yet i feel like a child going on 10 in all that i am. the senses i feel and the directionless path that i dwell and thrive upon...so deepens my yearning for more and more. my belly is never fully satisfied with anything or anyone and ive almost come to terms with that, except that i can't control my heart or it's impression upon my body and soul. this life ive lead is truly the most amazing one i could ever imagine and i wouldn't trade any part of it for all the tea in china but im still a lost little girl in the big vast world and all ive seem to discovered here across the atlantic is that im still the same person. emily told me this and maybe the only reason im thinking this is all ive learned is her voice haunting me over thousands of miles but i think it's independentely true. it's throughly refreshing. ive concluded a successful chapter in my life and just began a new and completely different sense of me. these quiet conversations always lead to a question of my age and as i always answer them, with a shy lookaway at the floor, and an embarrased hushed whispered "21". i try to sense the reaction. the response hasn't changed since my tender 15 year old self. i keep waiting for someone to be distressed. i keep waiting to not be enough, to have a challenge to work towards and all i still get is a sense of impressed elders wishing they had my motivation. my motivations have always been the same thing. i have pure love for everything and everyone in this world. i cannot help it. even in this country..full of the crabbiest people i have ever encountered i cannot help but smile and pretend that each person i meet has some sense of good in their heart. i try and remind people that to love is what we are here for. most have seemed to forget such gifts and it saddens me greatly. there is a big endurance in my own little campaign for love and truth in this world and i feel such pain in those that are out and out as hurtful as they could possibly be. im big enough to realize their own wanting of what i have. what they don't have that i do have is the undying yearning and the stubbornly driven motivation for sticking out situations that most people could never endure. within all this i have the saddest heart at night. i soak up all the tears that i see on the trams, the silent bruises i see on faces, the quiet mornful looks at a much needed article, the lost and lonely souls wishing for something more. i soak up the world's deepest, most sad moments and take them upon myself. the wishing and wanting seems to never end and i can't help being anything more than caring for mostly people i don't even know and never will meet. the strangers in this environment intrigue me so much. ive been born to be life's little observer, life's little quiet feeler of all that is insufficient in this time and i feel like i need 3 more life times to even tap in to anything real. isolation in a social butterfly's world was the best thing ever i could have done for myself and true accomplishment is just around the corner. i think people who travel halfway around the world to just end up doing exactly what they were doing back home are still the lost little lambs that they were back home, but that's just it. they proved to themselves that you can't change...even if you change countries. ive proved to myself that i can't help but care. no matter what i have to care and tell people how i feel. perhaps i have a better sense of confidence without anyone to stand upon, without drugs to carry out a nice excuse for a conversation leading to new heights. my silence has never been more meaningful and my words will never be so clear and to the the point. ive fallen in love with the quietest moments again. the falling leaves and cracked sidewalks as my only sense of association. the occasional smile or kind word reminding me that there are a few beauties left out there....waiting to receive a fellow lover of all that is good to smile back. i do. encouragement is the biggest source of love. the lack of confidence in the world far surpasses the sense of over confidenced assholes. pretentious assholes of all persons have the least amount of true confidence. when unarmed they are putty in the palm. indifference is antother sign of an extreme lack of confidence. in my opinion they are lacking a social confidence. who on earth doesn't want to see people succeed? before anything else i see the potential in people if only someone would care enough to push them to the edge of that crater of success. i stop at nothing at whomever is on hand. this often gets misinterpreted as relationship potential or even an entire relationship lasting for a ridiculous amount of time. i forget about everything at hand including myself because all i see is a challenge that i know i can take on and acheive, im blinded by the distraction from myself. it's been wonderful but now i have this sense of me and me alone and now that's all i want. now this overwhelming sense of isolation and remorse for all that i can't help but feel that i wasted my time upon is on my back like a thousand pangs. fuck this shit.