Good morning beautiful, how was your night?
all i ever want to do anymore is cry. there is no place. i'm seriously contemplating going and sitting in my car. i started to cry saturday night cuz of the war i had w/ my mom but joce n phil were right there and i was yelling too loudly to leave the room.. so i cried, but had to go out afterward so i just cut myself off and stopped and wiped it off and was done. I know how to hide it when i have to. i really miss him. things would just be so fucking different and easier i know it. a year and a month.. isnt that strange? all the shit ive done in that time is insurmountable and that bastard wasnt there. my mom was mad at my sisters for being mad, but i dont blame them cuz sometimes i am too. i want to know what happened. its not fair that i dont know, that none of us know. we should get a reason, we desrve a reason. i want to be taken care of, i dont want to worry, i want to be safe, and without him here i cant be. he spent so much time preparing me for this.. this is what it was all for and i've failed. just like i failed history, and just like i'll probably fail math. i got in an argument w/ like 4 guys at a party saturday about shelby cobras. it was strange.
i think im a good friend, i talk to ppl, and i dont lie to them, and i try to make sense of things, and when i cant i just shut up and listen and try to be supportive. this sounds selfish but i feel like i take care of my mom and my close friends not entirely obviously... and not even mostly but i just want someone to take care of me. which makes no sense because clearly no1 can do that, and one of the most important reasons being there is no one willing to fight me enough to force me to let them.
i want little kisses. to cuddle..wrestle.. tickle.. play cards and watch tv just like me n dad did all the time after dinner. i really did forget about all those nights of poker and gin as a kid. and spinning and dancing and tickling and wrestling. god what i wouldnt give to run in there to try and take his seat, not cuz i wanted it, cuz i wanted him to take it away from me.
i think im a good friend, i talk to ppl, and i dont lie to them, and i try to make sense of things, and when i cant i just shut up and listen and try to be supportive. this sounds selfish but i feel like i take care of my mom and my close friends not entirely obviously... and not even mostly but i just want someone to take care of me. which makes no sense because clearly no1 can do that, and one of the most important reasons being there is no one willing to fight me enough to force me to let them.
i want little kisses. to cuddle..wrestle.. tickle.. play cards and watch tv just like me n dad did all the time after dinner. i really did forget about all those nights of poker and gin as a kid. and spinning and dancing and tickling and wrestling. god what i wouldnt give to run in there to try and take his seat, not cuz i wanted it, cuz i wanted him to take it away from me.