still sad.
I feel the urge to text you, but I know that's a bad idea. So I'm going to ramble here for awhile until I get all my feels out. And I have so many feels. All of the feels.
Facebook tells me that you're having a grand old time in the city today. That's nice. I had to fight to get you out of your house, but you can jump on a train and head up to the city for a day of fun. Never mind that you didn't ever want me to meet your friends. Never mind that you didn't tell anyone we were sleeping together for MONTHS. No, I was just some dumb fucking secret that you kept hidden. And you wonder why I feel like you used me. You've asked me before if I really believe you could treat me like that and now I can say yes. Yes, I can believe that you'd use me and toss me aside because THAT IS WHAT YOU DID.
I don't like telling people how I feel. I don't like having feelings for people. You fought me to be open with you. You pushed me to be more emotional and honest and look what happened. I was vulnerable and you left. What lesson were you trying to teach just then? That you're a prick? I aced that lesson, you giant jerk of a person.
What pisses me off the most is that we were friends for so long. I've always defended you. I stood by your side when you were at your lowest. I put my own needs and wants aside to help you. GEE, DOESN'T THIS SOUND FAMILIAR? Because I did the same thing with my ex-husband. All you've managed to teach me is that being selfish and cold is better than being loving and open. Congrats. Because now when a good guy does come along I will be so scared to be the woman I should be. I'll be scared because I'm going to remember that you ran away from happiness as fast as your feet your carry you.
And you still haven't spoken to me. Not one word. Was I so easy to cut out of your life? You badgered me to be in your life again and got me to cross that line and now I'm the one left alone and hurting. Was it worth it to you? Was it worth losing your only real friend? I've had to email and text my only two guy friends and ask them if I was a shitty girl. I needed them to tell me it wasn't me. They both think I'm amazing. Too bad I didn't fall for good, honest and kind men like them. Instead I fell for you. I fell for you harder than I fell for my ex-husband.
I will get over you. I know that. I don't think I'll ever forget you and I don't want to. Because even though you broke my heart, I am glad it all happened. "Some things are worth having your heart broken for." Truer words were never spoken, Sarah Jane Smith. The good we had was SO good that I can't hate you completely. You brought me back to life after my marriage ended. You made me feel desired and wanted and beautiful and whole. You broke my heart and treated me like shit in the end, but it wasn't all bad.
I still think you're a fucking prick though.
Facebook tells me that you're having a grand old time in the city today. That's nice. I had to fight to get you out of your house, but you can jump on a train and head up to the city for a day of fun. Never mind that you didn't ever want me to meet your friends. Never mind that you didn't tell anyone we were sleeping together for MONTHS. No, I was just some dumb fucking secret that you kept hidden. And you wonder why I feel like you used me. You've asked me before if I really believe you could treat me like that and now I can say yes. Yes, I can believe that you'd use me and toss me aside because THAT IS WHAT YOU DID.
I don't like telling people how I feel. I don't like having feelings for people. You fought me to be open with you. You pushed me to be more emotional and honest and look what happened. I was vulnerable and you left. What lesson were you trying to teach just then? That you're a prick? I aced that lesson, you giant jerk of a person.
What pisses me off the most is that we were friends for so long. I've always defended you. I stood by your side when you were at your lowest. I put my own needs and wants aside to help you. GEE, DOESN'T THIS SOUND FAMILIAR? Because I did the same thing with my ex-husband. All you've managed to teach me is that being selfish and cold is better than being loving and open. Congrats. Because now when a good guy does come along I will be so scared to be the woman I should be. I'll be scared because I'm going to remember that you ran away from happiness as fast as your feet your carry you.
And you still haven't spoken to me. Not one word. Was I so easy to cut out of your life? You badgered me to be in your life again and got me to cross that line and now I'm the one left alone and hurting. Was it worth it to you? Was it worth losing your only real friend? I've had to email and text my only two guy friends and ask them if I was a shitty girl. I needed them to tell me it wasn't me. They both think I'm amazing. Too bad I didn't fall for good, honest and kind men like them. Instead I fell for you. I fell for you harder than I fell for my ex-husband.
I will get over you. I know that. I don't think I'll ever forget you and I don't want to. Because even though you broke my heart, I am glad it all happened. "Some things are worth having your heart broken for." Truer words were never spoken, Sarah Jane Smith. The good we had was SO good that I can't hate you completely. You brought me back to life after my marriage ended. You made me feel desired and wanted and beautiful and whole. You broke my heart and treated me like shit in the end, but it wasn't all bad.
I still think you're a fucking prick though.