(no subject)
I was happy once. Once upon a time I was happy. I thought I had everything figured out and settled and now I'm alone. I'm not doing so well with being alone. I'm really not. I'm struggling with it every single time I'm in this apartment by myself. And, yes, I could go out but going out means spending money and I can't really afford to do that right now.
So I have to be alone. The people in my life have wives and husbands and kids and boyfriends and I don't have anything but some great friends who have their own lives. I can't and don't expect any of them to be on call for me. And while I know I can handle this and get through it that doesn't mean I WANT to get through it. I don't want to endure my life, I want to enjoy it.
I'm not sure it'll ever be okay again. I'm not sure I'll ever fall asleep next to someone again. Accepting that is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm just lonely.
So I have to be alone. The people in my life have wives and husbands and kids and boyfriends and I don't have anything but some great friends who have their own lives. I can't and don't expect any of them to be on call for me. And while I know I can handle this and get through it that doesn't mean I WANT to get through it. I don't want to endure my life, I want to enjoy it.
I'm not sure it'll ever be okay again. I'm not sure I'll ever fall asleep next to someone again. Accepting that is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm just lonely.