One handed typing...
I gamed last night & I'm really enjoying the game. The guys have put a lot of elements into it and though there are certainly still some details, kinks and various rules that need to be ironed out, its a great game to play in. There is plenty of role playing being worked in, plus actual physical combat. Oh! Training, there is actual training too. I mean like katas & displays and ecouragement to actually work on things.
But, in the process of perfecting the kata (sp?) that Dan showed to us last night, he broke one of my nails. Luckily I had acrylics on. So he broke through the acrylic. Which means that I'm now sitting here with one hand ensconced in a jar of nail remover. Yay.
Today is...not as god as the rest of my week has been. Nothing I care to discuss here. Really, there is no need to.
But unlike my normal behavior to obsess about it, to overanalyze it and run it literally into it's grave...I feel a sense of...contentment? No, it's more an acceptance that -this- is how it's supposed to be. It's weird. It always is when I get here.
Funny enough...I went to a "Psychic Saturday" at a local Metaphysical Christianity church down here. They were giving readings for a small donation to the orgnization. My reader was a learner, but she was fairly accurate in her guesses. Thats not the funny part though.
After the reading, I'm getting into my car. I see movement out of the corner of my eye to see a black racer turning a corner around the church building. It made me pause.
So I decided that I would head over to Endoras Emporium. Wendy was there, as well as Vince who I had the honor of meeting. I mentioned the snake and Vince asked me a few questions to determine what type of snake it was. What he had to tell me was pretty cool. It fit with a LOT of things I'm feeling right now.
I also read something today...its from Emmanuels Book I. I need to get the book, cause there was a passage in it about fear. I unfortunately cant find it online (the passage I mean.) I've learned this week that I have a LOT of fear. I might be a strong assed bitch a lot..but I'm also learning thats to hide myself from my fear.
I need to process that more. I need to face that fear.
Its funny to me today...I experienced some of that fear. Being scared that I wasn't good enough, being scared that I had/have lost something I've been so desperately clinging to. Fear that. Being scared that someone else had hurt me, or was trying to again. Fear that I've been replaced.
I could feel all that anxiety welling up...I could feel it taking a hold of me. My heartrate accelerated, breath coming quicker, all of it. I sat down and did something cliche. I did what Jack on LOST said to do. I let it in. 5 seconds. I let it in, I experienced it. Then I told it it didn't matter. So what? If people want to do that to me, to hurt me like that...I can give them the satisfaction or I can remember that it's not anything I have control over. AND THATS OK THAT I DONT. I can control my reaction to them though...and yes..even right now, though this was over an hour ago, I'm still feeling it...I'm reminding myself that I AM better then that.
If I've been replaced..so be it. If I've lost someone/something that I care and love, so be it. If someone doesnt think I'm good enough..thats really their loss, not mine.
Yes, I have -serious- issues right now. Yes, I'm messed up and am not happy with who I am right now. But I'm also getting help for that, and nothing about it can be changed instantly. (Well, some maybe, but the major things are going to take time.) If someone cant stand by me while I'm doing this, while I'm struggling to improve me, then they aren't strong enough for -me-.
I'm wrestling with that thought too...and no, I'm not discussing anyone in particular, nor do I say that to be demeaning or a slam to anyone in my life. What I'm going through isn't easy for -me-...it would be naieve(sp?) of me to think that those in my life can handle it, too.
I'm transmutating. Not transforming, but transmutating. It's scary, but exhilirating at the same time.
I'm human, I'm -going- to make mistakes. Some of them will be minor. Others will be HUGE. I don't want to hurt anyone. Period. I hope that those that love and care about me will forgive me those mistakes when they happen. And maybe this experience, this growth, this opportunity, though harsh and uncomfortable, will help me to realize who those people are in my life again. I will have to figure out a way to accept those that let me down, even if I've let them down in the past as well.
I know I'm going to experienc pain, loss, sadness, FEAR, and everything else that I'm ultimately scared of. I have to in order to grow, and I've gotten to big for this skin. It's time to shed it and become that beautiful, strong woman I was before, only better. Like the snake I saw today.
No expectations. Know calm. Know peace, know acceptance. Be strong, Face my fears, admit to them and process them. Grow. Love others but most importantly love myself. Dont loose myself again.
And anyone that wants to feel like they can control that, control me, inspire that fear or that doubt within me, well....I say one thing to you
..go to hell.
I dont need it, and I'm not going to accept it. You want to throw it, I'll face it. I might stumble, you might 'win' that battle, but I refuse to let you have power over me. Enjoy yourself, cause I'm not scared of my karma anymore, but I would be scared of yours to take advantage of someone like me.
I might not be Shannon right now. I dont know where she went and I'm not afraid to admit that, but I'll be back. And when I come back...when I shed this skin and return anew...I'll be better then I ever was.
But, in the process of perfecting the kata (sp?) that Dan showed to us last night, he broke one of my nails. Luckily I had acrylics on. So he broke through the acrylic. Which means that I'm now sitting here with one hand ensconced in a jar of nail remover. Yay.
Today is...not as god as the rest of my week has been. Nothing I care to discuss here. Really, there is no need to.
But unlike my normal behavior to obsess about it, to overanalyze it and run it literally into it's grave...I feel a sense of...contentment? No, it's more an acceptance that -this- is how it's supposed to be. It's weird. It always is when I get here.
Funny enough...I went to a "Psychic Saturday" at a local Metaphysical Christianity church down here. They were giving readings for a small donation to the orgnization. My reader was a learner, but she was fairly accurate in her guesses. Thats not the funny part though.
After the reading, I'm getting into my car. I see movement out of the corner of my eye to see a black racer turning a corner around the church building. It made me pause.
So I decided that I would head over to Endoras Emporium. Wendy was there, as well as Vince who I had the honor of meeting. I mentioned the snake and Vince asked me a few questions to determine what type of snake it was. What he had to tell me was pretty cool. It fit with a LOT of things I'm feeling right now.
I also read something today...its from Emmanuels Book I. I need to get the book, cause there was a passage in it about fear. I unfortunately cant find it online (the passage I mean.) I've learned this week that I have a LOT of fear. I might be a strong assed bitch a lot..but I'm also learning thats to hide myself from my fear.
I need to process that more. I need to face that fear.
Its funny to me today...I experienced some of that fear. Being scared that I wasn't good enough, being scared that I had/have lost something I've been so desperately clinging to. Fear that. Being scared that someone else had hurt me, or was trying to again. Fear that I've been replaced.
I could feel all that anxiety welling up...I could feel it taking a hold of me. My heartrate accelerated, breath coming quicker, all of it. I sat down and did something cliche. I did what Jack on LOST said to do. I let it in. 5 seconds. I let it in, I experienced it. Then I told it it didn't matter. So what? If people want to do that to me, to hurt me like that...I can give them the satisfaction or I can remember that it's not anything I have control over. AND THATS OK THAT I DONT. I can control my reaction to them though...and yes..even right now, though this was over an hour ago, I'm still feeling it...I'm reminding myself that I AM better then that.
If I've been replaced..so be it. If I've lost someone/something that I care and love, so be it. If someone doesnt think I'm good enough..thats really their loss, not mine.
Yes, I have -serious- issues right now. Yes, I'm messed up and am not happy with who I am right now. But I'm also getting help for that, and nothing about it can be changed instantly. (Well, some maybe, but the major things are going to take time.) If someone cant stand by me while I'm doing this, while I'm struggling to improve me, then they aren't strong enough for -me-.
I'm wrestling with that thought too...and no, I'm not discussing anyone in particular, nor do I say that to be demeaning or a slam to anyone in my life. What I'm going through isn't easy for -me-...it would be naieve(sp?) of me to think that those in my life can handle it, too.
I'm transmutating. Not transforming, but transmutating. It's scary, but exhilirating at the same time.
I'm human, I'm -going- to make mistakes. Some of them will be minor. Others will be HUGE. I don't want to hurt anyone. Period. I hope that those that love and care about me will forgive me those mistakes when they happen. And maybe this experience, this growth, this opportunity, though harsh and uncomfortable, will help me to realize who those people are in my life again. I will have to figure out a way to accept those that let me down, even if I've let them down in the past as well.
I know I'm going to experienc pain, loss, sadness, FEAR, and everything else that I'm ultimately scared of. I have to in order to grow, and I've gotten to big for this skin. It's time to shed it and become that beautiful, strong woman I was before, only better. Like the snake I saw today.
No expectations. Know calm. Know peace, know acceptance. Be strong, Face my fears, admit to them and process them. Grow. Love others but most importantly love myself. Dont loose myself again.
And anyone that wants to feel like they can control that, control me, inspire that fear or that doubt within me, well....I say one thing to you
..go to hell.
I dont need it, and I'm not going to accept it. You want to throw it, I'll face it. I might stumble, you might 'win' that battle, but I refuse to let you have power over me. Enjoy yourself, cause I'm not scared of my karma anymore, but I would be scared of yours to take advantage of someone like me.
I might not be Shannon right now. I dont know where she went and I'm not afraid to admit that, but I'll be back. And when I come back...when I shed this skin and return anew...I'll be better then I ever was.