An everyday battle
Everyday I fight this feeling that ive been making mistake after mistake. like im npot doing the right things with my life. Some days i feel like a winner cause i choose not to do things and its not a bad day. other days i feel like a complete failure and a loser. Like i have made the worst choices i could have made and ill never be important to anyone or loved by anyone.
Recently i find myself being cared about one girl and missing her cause she is far away. at the same time i still care about the girl i was seeing before and find myself wondering what if i hadn't done what i have done would she have realized i loved her like i said i did? does she now wish i was loving her and missing her like i was when i was crying every day. drinking large amounts of whiskey and bourban just i could black out and fall asleep instead of looking to my ceiling and wondering where she was and who she was with? was she with her ex? was she kissing some other guy? was she having sex with someone else?? all these things run through a mans head when he is in love with someone and they leave him.
I just dont get it. I loved i gave everything i had. I said sorry for my mistakes and my short comings. I made time for her. I gave her all my attention and non of it to any other girl. I didnt cheat or loose focus. She just didnt love me back. I guess its just something i have to deal with.
I guess the toughest part is that if she called me upset and in a panic i would stop what i was doing and drive to comfort her. I think thats something people dont understand about me. I never stop loving. Ill always love her even though she doesnt love me. i still love all my exs and if they were ever in trouble and i could be there for them i would. i know it sounds silly and when i read this back to myself i cant believe im actually writing it. but it's true. and the sad thing is becaause i love them i would go back to them. im 31 years old and their are only four women i have every loved. Darcy, Nikki, Kelly and Shawnie. Darcy is married, Nikki is married, Kelly has not once talked to me or contacted me since she left our old apartment and i have no idea where in the world she is or whats going on with her. It's been 5 years since i last saw her. and then their is Shawnie. she is amazing but she has alot on her plate and i dont blame her for not loving me. working full time and taking on college and being successful doesnt leave much room for me. maybe someday things will be different. I doubt shed ever ask me to be with her again. but i would. she is amazing in so many ways and i would love to be there for her and share adventures in life wit her.
But alas i am seeing someone and i enjoy being around her alot and i dont know where this will lead. is this a good thing for me or a bad thing. i guess im just going to keep working hard to live and focusing on college so i can maybe live a semi normal life someday and be able to not be so sad and discouraged. Its all i got...... right?
Recently i find myself being cared about one girl and missing her cause she is far away. at the same time i still care about the girl i was seeing before and find myself wondering what if i hadn't done what i have done would she have realized i loved her like i said i did? does she now wish i was loving her and missing her like i was when i was crying every day. drinking large amounts of whiskey and bourban just i could black out and fall asleep instead of looking to my ceiling and wondering where she was and who she was with? was she with her ex? was she kissing some other guy? was she having sex with someone else?? all these things run through a mans head when he is in love with someone and they leave him.
I just dont get it. I loved i gave everything i had. I said sorry for my mistakes and my short comings. I made time for her. I gave her all my attention and non of it to any other girl. I didnt cheat or loose focus. She just didnt love me back. I guess its just something i have to deal with.
I guess the toughest part is that if she called me upset and in a panic i would stop what i was doing and drive to comfort her. I think thats something people dont understand about me. I never stop loving. Ill always love her even though she doesnt love me. i still love all my exs and if they were ever in trouble and i could be there for them i would. i know it sounds silly and when i read this back to myself i cant believe im actually writing it. but it's true. and the sad thing is becaause i love them i would go back to them. im 31 years old and their are only four women i have every loved. Darcy, Nikki, Kelly and Shawnie. Darcy is married, Nikki is married, Kelly has not once talked to me or contacted me since she left our old apartment and i have no idea where in the world she is or whats going on with her. It's been 5 years since i last saw her. and then their is Shawnie. she is amazing but she has alot on her plate and i dont blame her for not loving me. working full time and taking on college and being successful doesnt leave much room for me. maybe someday things will be different. I doubt shed ever ask me to be with her again. but i would. she is amazing in so many ways and i would love to be there for her and share adventures in life wit her.
But alas i am seeing someone and i enjoy being around her alot and i dont know where this will lead. is this a good thing for me or a bad thing. i guess im just going to keep working hard to live and focusing on college so i can maybe live a semi normal life someday and be able to not be so sad and discouraged. Its all i got...... right?