A plan in four parts
I have officially started my second semester in my PhD program. The first went mostly well, and I have objective measures that I did OK: 3 A's, 1 A-, 2 professors willing to work with me on independent projects, and an advisor who said I have "progressed nicely." It went objectively well.
This doesn't mean I didn't freak out anyway; that I didn't spend the last couple of weeks of last semester crying and staying up too much and reading too little and drinking at odd times with the intention of getting drunk. This doesn't mean I felt secure, balanced, welcomed, a part of something larger than myself. This doesn't mean that I have the know how, knowledge, or vocabulary to explain how, where, and why I'm confused. It doesn't mean that I feel any smarter now than I did 5 months ago. In fact, I feel a lot dumber, like I've killed brain cells by trying to overstuff them.
And socially. Yes, social. I still talk too much, complain too loudly, make things about me. I'm short sighted this way.
To make this semester run a little more smoothly, though, these are my goals:
1) Read / do homework for a minimum of 2 hours, everyday. Even if I have no homework, I have plenty of foundational texts I could and should be reading. Minimum.
2) Go to the gym at least 3 times a week.
3) Stop talking so much. Re-evaulate what I want to say before I say it; this whole "no filter" thing is only going to get me so far before I start pushing people away for being a raving lunatic.
4) Find ways to manage my anxiety better. Positive self talk, thinking things through, writing, compartmentalizing, responding to emails/phone calls immediately instead of putting them off. These are my best coping mechanisms.
Because as it is, this isn't working.
In other news, I have to keep my desk drawer locked because I have apparently brought mice into the office. Stupid mice eating through the stupid plastic of my stupid oyster crackers! Any humane ways of getting rid of mouses?
This doesn't mean I didn't freak out anyway; that I didn't spend the last couple of weeks of last semester crying and staying up too much and reading too little and drinking at odd times with the intention of getting drunk. This doesn't mean I felt secure, balanced, welcomed, a part of something larger than myself. This doesn't mean that I have the know how, knowledge, or vocabulary to explain how, where, and why I'm confused. It doesn't mean that I feel any smarter now than I did 5 months ago. In fact, I feel a lot dumber, like I've killed brain cells by trying to overstuff them.
And socially. Yes, social. I still talk too much, complain too loudly, make things about me. I'm short sighted this way.
To make this semester run a little more smoothly, though, these are my goals:
1) Read / do homework for a minimum of 2 hours, everyday. Even if I have no homework, I have plenty of foundational texts I could and should be reading. Minimum.
2) Go to the gym at least 3 times a week.
3) Stop talking so much. Re-evaulate what I want to say before I say it; this whole "no filter" thing is only going to get me so far before I start pushing people away for being a raving lunatic.
4) Find ways to manage my anxiety better. Positive self talk, thinking things through, writing, compartmentalizing, responding to emails/phone calls immediately instead of putting them off. These are my best coping mechanisms.
Because as it is, this isn't working.
In other news, I have to keep my desk drawer locked because I have apparently brought mice into the office. Stupid mice eating through the stupid plastic of my stupid oyster crackers! Any humane ways of getting rid of mouses?