I am such a loser...
Something completely unrelated first:
Why is it that it says, "Oo oo log on so that you don't ever have to log on again" but then it always asks you at all these prompts, "Is this you? If not, click here.. Or -proceed-".. I find that rather irritating. It is just me, and just deal with it. Geez.
Anyhow, now on to how I am a loser. I am a loser. I don't really ever do anything. This summer I have mostly sat (or lied..) around and maybe read or watched TV, but mostly I've done nothing. I haven't gotten a job. I haven't made any money. I quit my lame job at the library and stopped making money. I spent a whole BUNCH of money shopping on stupid things.. I have decided there are too many addictive things in this world.. Things like alcohol and cigarettes; whatever.. Everyone knows they're addictive and likes to get addicted to them, anyway. But nobody talks about how masturbation and shopping are also addictions. How the internet is an addiction.. (Okay, sometimes people talk about that.. but not often and I don't think they really understand it, anyway.) The internet sucks, too. You think you're talking to people, but you're not. You're just becoming more reclusive because you can talk to your computer and pretend like you're talking to real people and so rationalise why you don't go out and do things and meet people and be yourself and express yourself. I'm such a loser. Part of that is the depression; which means I probably shouldn't really say that outloud (or think or write it out -L-O-U-D-!!!!!!!!).. I should be thinking, "I am not a loser. I am a good, strong, beautiful, interesting person. I just need help. I am a good person. I am a winner." .. Is that brain-washing yourself, or is it positibe reinforcement? (Re-inforcement of what?) .. Or is it a little bit of both or maybe neither? Maybe it's just crazy talk. Anyhow.. back to why I am a loser. I am a loser because I sit around all the time and never DO anything. I am a loser because my room has been a mess for four months (not just a normal mess like most peoples'.. a STY). I am a loser because I want to clean it up but I just get bored and I don't care and I never sit down and really organise things. I'm a loser 'cause I can't concentrate. I'm a loser because I'm a fatalist. I'm a loser because I give up. I am not a loser because I dream. I'm a loser because I haven't followed my dreams.. or made any moves to follow them. I can't talk to my parents.. I can't talk to my family.. I want to run away.. Running away never solves anything and it doesn't help... Your problems will be wherever you go when you get there.. I know, but I just need to be away from my family for a while. Need to think away from them. This morning (or, technically, yesterday morning) as two of my sisters, my mother, and I were walking into church there were these obnoxious boys in the parking lot. I mentioned to my mom, "Just one more reason aren't you glad you didn't have boys?" My mother is known for saying that her five daughters were easier to raise than her one son. (That's right, six kids.. IF you can do simple arithmatic. We're Catholic. At the RenFest last week a hypnotist made these guys forget the number "six".. it was pretty funny. They thought they had eleven fingers.) I was thinking, "Except for me.." but hoping no one would say it.. But of course Carol (or maybe it was Christina? Anyhow, it's not important who said it.) had to open her big mouth (Christina's is not quite as big as Carol's, but her brain is bigger, so that makes up for it in saying annoying things I wish people wouldn't say..) and says something about "except me." And Mom said I was "pushing the envelope;" or something like that.. Then Christina said she thought I was -trying-.. Like, trying to be wierd and difficult, I think. I almost cried two or three times during mass. For years I have tried not to be a burden on my parents. I have tried not to ask for help with homework I can do myself. I have not interupted my sisters (too much) while they're talking (especially Teresa.. she would yammer FOREVER to Mom about her day in high school and I could NEVER tell Mom anything because.. "DON'T INTERUPT! It's rude.") I have not begged for the dance classes I want so much deep in my soul. I have not asked for too many new clothes. I asked for the cheapest CD player boombox I could find for Christmas.. I tried not to whine or nag too much.. Although I know I did whine quite a bit about being bored and what's for dinner.. and is there any dessert? .. But I have tried for so long.. and for so hard.. not to bother anyone.. And you know what? I could've had straihgt-A's in high school.. but I didn't 'cause I couldn't do my homework on my own and I didn't know how to ask for help. I've bottled up all my hurt emotions inside me and now I can't be friends with my parents and I can't talk to them.. and I want to. I've never taken a dance class. I'm not going to college.. at least, not this fall. I have tried not to be a burden and now I feel like a failure and I have tried so hard.. and now I'm a burden. I'm a failure, a loser, and a burden. I did it all to myself. But I'm not the only responsible party.
Sometimes I say a litany in my head.. over and over and over... I hate myself..I hate myself..I hate myself.. I hate myself.. I hate myself.. I hate myself.. I hate myself.. I hate myself.. I hate myself.. I hate myself.. I hate myself.. I hate myself..
Please don't comment something lame like, "You're not alone," or "Don't hate yourself. You're a good person," blah blah blah.. I know all this stuff. Knowing and feeling things are completely different.
Why is it that it says, "Oo oo log on so that you don't ever have to log on again" but then it always asks you at all these prompts, "Is this you? If not, click here.. Or -proceed-".. I find that rather irritating. It is just me, and just deal with it. Geez.
Anyhow, now on to how I am a loser. I am a loser. I don't really ever do anything. This summer I have mostly sat (or lied..) around and maybe read or watched TV, but mostly I've done nothing. I haven't gotten a job. I haven't made any money. I quit my lame job at the library and stopped making money. I spent a whole BUNCH of money shopping on stupid things.. I have decided there are too many addictive things in this world.. Things like alcohol and cigarettes; whatever.. Everyone knows they're addictive and likes to get addicted to them, anyway. But nobody talks about how masturbation and shopping are also addictions. How the internet is an addiction.. (Okay, sometimes people talk about that.. but not often and I don't think they really understand it, anyway.) The internet sucks, too. You think you're talking to people, but you're not. You're just becoming more reclusive because you can talk to your computer and pretend like you're talking to real people and so rationalise why you don't go out and do things and meet people and be yourself and express yourself. I'm such a loser. Part of that is the depression; which means I probably shouldn't really say that outloud (or think or write it out -L-O-U-D-!!!!!!!!).. I should be thinking, "I am not a loser. I am a good, strong, beautiful, interesting person. I just need help. I am a good person. I am a winner." .. Is that brain-washing yourself, or is it positibe reinforcement? (Re-inforcement of what?) .. Or is it a little bit of both or maybe neither? Maybe it's just crazy talk. Anyhow.. back to why I am a loser. I am a loser because I sit around all the time and never DO anything. I am a loser because my room has been a mess for four months (not just a normal mess like most peoples'.. a STY). I am a loser because I want to clean it up but I just get bored and I don't care and I never sit down and really organise things. I'm a loser 'cause I can't concentrate. I'm a loser because I'm a fatalist. I'm a loser because I give up. I am not a loser because I dream. I'm a loser because I haven't followed my dreams.. or made any moves to follow them. I can't talk to my parents.. I can't talk to my family.. I want to run away.. Running away never solves anything and it doesn't help... Your problems will be wherever you go when you get there.. I know, but I just need to be away from my family for a while. Need to think away from them. This morning (or, technically, yesterday morning) as two of my sisters, my mother, and I were walking into church there were these obnoxious boys in the parking lot. I mentioned to my mom, "Just one more reason aren't you glad you didn't have boys?" My mother is known for saying that her five daughters were easier to raise than her one son. (That's right, six kids.. IF you can do simple arithmatic. We're Catholic. At the RenFest last week a hypnotist made these guys forget the number "six".. it was pretty funny. They thought they had eleven fingers.) I was thinking, "Except for me.." but hoping no one would say it.. But of course Carol (or maybe it was Christina? Anyhow, it's not important who said it.) had to open her big mouth (Christina's is not quite as big as Carol's, but her brain is bigger, so that makes up for it in saying annoying things I wish people wouldn't say..) and says something about "except me." And Mom said I was "pushing the envelope;" or something like that.. Then Christina said she thought I was -trying-.. Like, trying to be wierd and difficult, I think. I almost cried two or three times during mass. For years I have tried not to be a burden on my parents. I have tried not to ask for help with homework I can do myself. I have not interupted my sisters (too much) while they're talking (especially Teresa.. she would yammer FOREVER to Mom about her day in high school and I could NEVER tell Mom anything because.. "DON'T INTERUPT! It's rude.") I have not begged for the dance classes I want so much deep in my soul. I have not asked for too many new clothes. I asked for the cheapest CD player boombox I could find for Christmas.. I tried not to whine or nag too much.. Although I know I did whine quite a bit about being bored and what's for dinner.. and is there any dessert? .. But I have tried for so long.. and for so hard.. not to bother anyone.. And you know what? I could've had straihgt-A's in high school.. but I didn't 'cause I couldn't do my homework on my own and I didn't know how to ask for help. I've bottled up all my hurt emotions inside me and now I can't be friends with my parents and I can't talk to them.. and I want to. I've never taken a dance class. I'm not going to college.. at least, not this fall. I have tried not to be a burden and now I feel like a failure and I have tried so hard.. and now I'm a burden. I'm a failure, a loser, and a burden. I did it all to myself. But I'm not the only responsible party.
Sometimes I say a litany in my head.. over and over and over... I hate myself..I hate myself..I hate myself.. I hate myself.. I hate myself.. I hate myself.. I hate myself.. I hate myself.. I hate myself.. I hate myself.. I hate myself.. I hate myself..
Please don't comment something lame like, "You're not alone," or "Don't hate yourself. You're a good person," blah blah blah.. I know all this stuff. Knowing and feeling things are completely different.