the H-word
My grandad (paternal) called me last night. I think it's the first time ever that he's contacted me directly. I don't like him. I don't know him. I'm not interested in knowing him either, he's been out of my life more than in it. When my dad had died he phoned my mum a lot. I was at her house a lot, so occasionally we spoke. He rang the day we were going to see dad for the last time before the funeral, saying he wished he could see him too. You've had fucking 56 years to see him, you bastard" was my thought. Since he came back into our lives I've treated him politely, no more, no less. My two oldest sisters know him, he was around more when they were kids, took them travelling and all. But the two of us younger sisters don't really know him at all. So therefor I had no bad feelings what so ever when he said he wanted to give me a sofa bed "because I'm a nice girl and your mum told me you sleep on the floor". I am fed up with sleeping on a mattress on the floor, but don't have the money to do anything about it. So, this morning I had xxxx SEK in my bank account, along with the comment "Sleep tight". That was so sweet, and totally something my dad could have written. That reminded me that grandad is actually my dad's dad. That moved me in some weird way.
I phoned my mum up to thank her for planting this idea in my grandad's head, and told her about my thoughts about my dad and my dad's dad and how alike they are in some ways. And mum said how alike my dad and I are. How much I remind her of him and how ever present he is in me. I got saddened and was relieved by the fact we both had to hurry off to other engagements.
The sadness struck again now, thinking of F. I saw him briefly when I was in Sthlm for work thing this weekend. We went for a lovely walk in a sunny park and it was all very romantic. Only it was what I've come to refer to as Break-Up 2.0. We agreed that we need to let eachother go, however much we love eachother. Neither of us are ready to cope with a relationship at this point of our lives and therefor we can't cling onto eachother, occupying our thoughts and hearts with eachother. We looked into eachother's eyes, feeling that certain calm you only get with a few people in this world. That calm I always feel around him. I've always fancied him like mad, but he still keeps getting more and more attractive for every year that passes. We kissed there in the park, in the sun. No one kisses like he does. Like we do. No one gets along better than we do. Even at the stage of Break-Up 2.0 we're better friends than ever. I still dream of a future with him, but I know I'm not supposed to think that, even less say it. When we went for a hot chocolate before I caught my train back home I told him that he's everything I dream of in a man and he told me I'm everything he dreams of in a girl. I guess saying that whilst breaking up isn't very healthy?
When I got back home I was feeling heavy hearted. And yet calm. It's me-time. I can meet as many men (and women) I want, without feeling guilty. And yet meeting men doesn't seem that appealing, for I know that I will compare every man I meet with F, and no one will ever measure up.
After all this, I must add how happy I am to be single. It probably doesn't sound like it, but really, I do love being on my own. I love having my own flat (and it's such a lovely flat!), answering to no one but myself. And soon I will go and buy the largest pice of furniture I've ever bought, and it's only for me!
I tend to always feel like I'm a whining and moaning bore, but this weekend my colleague told me something that made me all warm inside. She told me about how she had told her husband of what a joy it is to work with me. That my energy is contagious and how lovely it was that I'm so happy with things and content with life. At first I didn't believe her, but after thinking for a little while I was reminded of what a long journey I've made over these past three years. It's true. I am happy these days. Back then I couldn't even pronounce the H-word. I am so proud of where and who I am today. Happy.
I phoned my mum up to thank her for planting this idea in my grandad's head, and told her about my thoughts about my dad and my dad's dad and how alike they are in some ways. And mum said how alike my dad and I are. How much I remind her of him and how ever present he is in me. I got saddened and was relieved by the fact we both had to hurry off to other engagements.
The sadness struck again now, thinking of F. I saw him briefly when I was in Sthlm for work thing this weekend. We went for a lovely walk in a sunny park and it was all very romantic. Only it was what I've come to refer to as Break-Up 2.0. We agreed that we need to let eachother go, however much we love eachother. Neither of us are ready to cope with a relationship at this point of our lives and therefor we can't cling onto eachother, occupying our thoughts and hearts with eachother. We looked into eachother's eyes, feeling that certain calm you only get with a few people in this world. That calm I always feel around him. I've always fancied him like mad, but he still keeps getting more and more attractive for every year that passes. We kissed there in the park, in the sun. No one kisses like he does. Like we do. No one gets along better than we do. Even at the stage of Break-Up 2.0 we're better friends than ever. I still dream of a future with him, but I know I'm not supposed to think that, even less say it. When we went for a hot chocolate before I caught my train back home I told him that he's everything I dream of in a man and he told me I'm everything he dreams of in a girl. I guess saying that whilst breaking up isn't very healthy?
When I got back home I was feeling heavy hearted. And yet calm. It's me-time. I can meet as many men (and women) I want, without feeling guilty. And yet meeting men doesn't seem that appealing, for I know that I will compare every man I meet with F, and no one will ever measure up.
After all this, I must add how happy I am to be single. It probably doesn't sound like it, but really, I do love being on my own. I love having my own flat (and it's such a lovely flat!), answering to no one but myself. And soon I will go and buy the largest pice of furniture I've ever bought, and it's only for me!
I tend to always feel like I'm a whining and moaning bore, but this weekend my colleague told me something that made me all warm inside. She told me about how she had told her husband of what a joy it is to work with me. That my energy is contagious and how lovely it was that I'm so happy with things and content with life. At first I didn't believe her, but after thinking for a little while I was reminded of what a long journey I've made over these past three years. It's true. I am happy these days. Back then I couldn't even pronounce the H-word. I am so proud of where and who I am today. Happy.