i wish i could just feel normal.
today was a haze of mixed emotions and events.
it began with a funeral. i need to back-track...
last week, i was on the way to tyler's house to watch 'lord of the rings.' as i was pulling out of my development, my mom was pulling in from work, and she told me that mr. smith had died. mr. smith is our neighbor from across the street from our old house. he was a loving father and friend to everyone...such an awesome guy. he had pancreatic cancer. my mom and i visited him at his house in early december, and he looked so healthy...you'd never have known anything was the matter with him. but on new year's eve, he went to the hospital and refused surgery, and died of a blockage (probably a tumor) in his bowels. so my mom, colin and i went to a viewing for him last nite at a funeral home, and then to the funeral today. it was a really nice service; each of his three sons went up and spoke about him.
last nite, in another sequence of events, john and i made exciting last minute plans for him to make a visit here, which was great because he's leaving to go on tour in february, and chances are i won't see him again for a good few years with how things are taking off for Lola Ray. he just barely missed his bus, so he was going to leave in the afternoon today after a good nite's sleep. i came home from the funeral in the afternoon and saw i'd missed a call from him. he woke up so sick he could barely get out of bed, so those plans are off. which is alright, through the grace of God. that's where patience comes from.
i took a nap, drove colin and his friend to a Young Life Campaigner's kick-off party thing nearby in the late evening, picked up a loaf of bread for my mom, and went to blockbuster and rented 'how to deal' with tyler. we both have a thing for mandy moore ;o> i had tyler build a fire in the fire place while i made myself macaroni and cheese, unaware that my mom had closed off the vent thing in the fire place that lets the smoke out of the chimney. so within 10 minutes, the house was filled with thick black smoke. we had to open all the doors and windows, and the thermostat dropped waaaaay down. we finally got things cleaned up. then my mom came downstairs and asked tyler to build another fire, haha.
the movie is very cheesey, very teen flick-ish. but it's about this girl who is a cynic about love and just sees it as overrated. nice, but overrated, much the same as me. not worth all of the risks and things that people put at stake for it. of course, in the end, she falls in love. go hollywood. but the point is, it just got me thinking a lot...
tyler adores me. i mean, he REAAAALLY adores me. and i'm his first girlfriend. and his best friend. and he's mine. the thing is, i'm much less 'gung ho' about the whole thing. more moderate. i love tyler in that way, but it's a thing that happens over time. i grow to love him for the man of God he's grown into, for the way he cares about me, for his uniqueness, for his gift to make everyone smile and laugh, and for his incredible heart. but i haven't careened into love with him; i haven't 'fallen hard' or any of that. and i have been attributing that to choice. but the thing is, i HAVE fallen like that before, and not by choice...in fact, i've fallen like that in a time when i don't want to, and i think the whole thing is overplayed. and what i fell for is something that didn't work out, and never will because of so many circumstances. my mom was watching me a lot tonite, and she said to me later, "you know, you can't force love, caitlin. and when you fall in love, you don't get to control it...you just don't want anything else when it happens." so what does that leave me with?
a situation that yields nothing i can keep or be a part of, and the most amazing boyfriend i could ask for, that for once i'm sure would never hurt me. and here i am, afraid of hurting him. is it okay to love him in the way i do? is it fair for him to settle for that? for me? i don't know. but i think i need to start doing things for myself...maybe take a semester off to work on things for me. to work on music or live on my own or just try things that i want to try for ME, not try things that everyone in my family did because it's what they want for me. i don't want to get married in two years; i don't want to have lots of kids; i don't even neccessarily want to get 4 back to back year at a university... in fact, i hate school. i hate being a student so much i can taste it. and it's because my heart is screaming for these other things, and i have a feeling that if i don't reach for them before it's too late for me to, i'm never going to be able to settle down or be content with anything, no matter how lucky i am. what's the deal, God? can't you please just make me trust you that you have some kind of master plan in all this? why do you give me feelings that defy each other? i hate feeling this way. i wish i could just feel normal. but what is that anyway
it began with a funeral. i need to back-track...
last week, i was on the way to tyler's house to watch 'lord of the rings.' as i was pulling out of my development, my mom was pulling in from work, and she told me that mr. smith had died. mr. smith is our neighbor from across the street from our old house. he was a loving father and friend to everyone...such an awesome guy. he had pancreatic cancer. my mom and i visited him at his house in early december, and he looked so healthy...you'd never have known anything was the matter with him. but on new year's eve, he went to the hospital and refused surgery, and died of a blockage (probably a tumor) in his bowels. so my mom, colin and i went to a viewing for him last nite at a funeral home, and then to the funeral today. it was a really nice service; each of his three sons went up and spoke about him.
last nite, in another sequence of events, john and i made exciting last minute plans for him to make a visit here, which was great because he's leaving to go on tour in february, and chances are i won't see him again for a good few years with how things are taking off for Lola Ray. he just barely missed his bus, so he was going to leave in the afternoon today after a good nite's sleep. i came home from the funeral in the afternoon and saw i'd missed a call from him. he woke up so sick he could barely get out of bed, so those plans are off. which is alright, through the grace of God. that's where patience comes from.
i took a nap, drove colin and his friend to a Young Life Campaigner's kick-off party thing nearby in the late evening, picked up a loaf of bread for my mom, and went to blockbuster and rented 'how to deal' with tyler. we both have a thing for mandy moore ;o> i had tyler build a fire in the fire place while i made myself macaroni and cheese, unaware that my mom had closed off the vent thing in the fire place that lets the smoke out of the chimney. so within 10 minutes, the house was filled with thick black smoke. we had to open all the doors and windows, and the thermostat dropped waaaaay down. we finally got things cleaned up. then my mom came downstairs and asked tyler to build another fire, haha.
the movie is very cheesey, very teen flick-ish. but it's about this girl who is a cynic about love and just sees it as overrated. nice, but overrated, much the same as me. not worth all of the risks and things that people put at stake for it. of course, in the end, she falls in love. go hollywood. but the point is, it just got me thinking a lot...
tyler adores me. i mean, he REAAAALLY adores me. and i'm his first girlfriend. and his best friend. and he's mine. the thing is, i'm much less 'gung ho' about the whole thing. more moderate. i love tyler in that way, but it's a thing that happens over time. i grow to love him for the man of God he's grown into, for the way he cares about me, for his uniqueness, for his gift to make everyone smile and laugh, and for his incredible heart. but i haven't careened into love with him; i haven't 'fallen hard' or any of that. and i have been attributing that to choice. but the thing is, i HAVE fallen like that before, and not by choice...in fact, i've fallen like that in a time when i don't want to, and i think the whole thing is overplayed. and what i fell for is something that didn't work out, and never will because of so many circumstances. my mom was watching me a lot tonite, and she said to me later, "you know, you can't force love, caitlin. and when you fall in love, you don't get to control it...you just don't want anything else when it happens." so what does that leave me with?
a situation that yields nothing i can keep or be a part of, and the most amazing boyfriend i could ask for, that for once i'm sure would never hurt me. and here i am, afraid of hurting him. is it okay to love him in the way i do? is it fair for him to settle for that? for me? i don't know. but i think i need to start doing things for myself...maybe take a semester off to work on things for me. to work on music or live on my own or just try things that i want to try for ME, not try things that everyone in my family did because it's what they want for me. i don't want to get married in two years; i don't want to have lots of kids; i don't even neccessarily want to get 4 back to back year at a university... in fact, i hate school. i hate being a student so much i can taste it. and it's because my heart is screaming for these other things, and i have a feeling that if i don't reach for them before it's too late for me to, i'm never going to be able to settle down or be content with anything, no matter how lucky i am. what's the deal, God? can't you please just make me trust you that you have some kind of master plan in all this? why do you give me feelings that defy each other? i hate feeling this way. i wish i could just feel normal. but what is that anyway