Torchwood poem parody: How the Twat Stole Cardiff
A parody for Torchwood 1x03 "Ghost Machine" (with apologies to Theodor Geisel for How the Grinch Stole Christmas).
"How the Twat Stole Cardiff"
Every Fan
Down in Fan-ville
Liked Jack Harkness a lot...
But Owen,
Whose flirting lacked charm,
They did NOT!
Owen was lech'rous!
Had rude quips for all seasons!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his childhood had been far from right.
It could be, perhaps, that his pants were too tight.
But fans thought that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
But,
Whatever the reason,
His pants or his heart,
A bad day of police work in Splott was the start
Of a journey in vengeance: causing three hearts to bleed.
The world changed without changing: he saw two in great need:
Ed for a victim, Liz for a savior; in his heart and his gut
Owen felt cruel behavior.
"And Jack's teaching shooting! What fresh sexplay is this
When I've just seen a vision that near made me piss?"
He said, then he growled, from his bottle kept swigging,
"I must find a way to keep Ed Morgan wigging!"
For somewhere, he knew...
...That a murderer walked,
Lived his life through the years, while Lizzie was missing it all:
The marriage! The kisses! The young girls and the boys!
Both the bad things in life and the JOYS JOYS JOYS JOYS!
And all because Ed had no heart in the least,
In the least! In the least!
Oh the BEAST! BEAST! BEAST! BEAST!
Ed just wanted power to make a girl weep;
Owen, despite what Fans thought, would not brook such a creep!
And SO
He'd do something Ed liked least of all!
He'd enter Ed's house, he would make Ed feel small,
Would offer suggestions, profound imag'ry firing
They'd sit eye to eye and he'd mess with Ed's wiring!
But it wasn't that easy; to muddy the plot
Enter Bernie, the most reviled person in Splott.
The Rift was invoked and blackmail twice tried,
But in Bernie's vision, he still DIED DIED DIED DIED!
But Ed, meanwhile, stewed,
AND he STEWED! STEWED! STEWED! STEWED!
And the more that he thought of the blackmailing twat
The more Ed thought, "I must go to the mat!
"Why for forty-three years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop the guilt from coming!
...But HOW?"
How? Confrontation.
Where? In the street.
No matter what happened, Ed knew he would meet
Satisfaction he'd only known decades before
At the sharp end of a knife, in a puddle of gore.
And so all the threads of memory and fate
Came together in Splott on a street, in the grate
Where blood flowed that Owen had wanted to spill,
But held back with tremendous effort of will.
And no one was happy, neither living nor dead;
Gwen had blood on her hands
Thanks to Bernie, Owen and Ed.
And the Fans, with their fan-fingers poised, ready to go,
Sat puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
Owen was vile! Now my verdict is marred!
He defended the innocent and then went too far!"
And they puzzled all week, `till their puzzlers were sore.
Then the Fans thought of something they hadn't before!
"Maybe Owen," they thought, "Isn't pure white or black.
"Maybe Owen...please, Russ T...has a planned arc to track?"
And what happened then...?
Well...in Fan-ville they say
That Owen's small heart
Grew three sizes that day!
But the minute his heart didn't feel quite so cramped,
He returned to his efforts to get in ladies' pants.
He brought back innuendo! Resumed trying to peep!
But fans...
...fans now knew...!
That rude waters run deep!
*Note: For "Fans" in this parody, you can read "rustydog" since it's just a rough impression of how the episode started to change how I watched Owen. I don't know what other fans' experiences were like.
* Note #2: I use "pants" here in the American sense, trousers, but I think it could work both ways. :)
***
This all began when I was stressed and started, as I do, making silly cartoons.
Owen in "Ghost Machine"
"How the Twat Stole Cardiff"
Every Fan
Down in Fan-ville
Liked Jack Harkness a lot...
But Owen,
Whose flirting lacked charm,
They did NOT!
Owen was lech'rous!
Had rude quips for all seasons!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his childhood had been far from right.
It could be, perhaps, that his pants were too tight.
But fans thought that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
But,
Whatever the reason,
His pants or his heart,
A bad day of police work in Splott was the start
Of a journey in vengeance: causing three hearts to bleed.
The world changed without changing: he saw two in great need:
Ed for a victim, Liz for a savior; in his heart and his gut
Owen felt cruel behavior.
"And Jack's teaching shooting! What fresh sexplay is this
When I've just seen a vision that near made me piss?"
He said, then he growled, from his bottle kept swigging,
"I must find a way to keep Ed Morgan wigging!"
For somewhere, he knew...
...That a murderer walked,
Lived his life through the years, while Lizzie was missing it all:
The marriage! The kisses! The young girls and the boys!
Both the bad things in life and the JOYS JOYS JOYS JOYS!
And all because Ed had no heart in the least,
In the least! In the least!
Oh the BEAST! BEAST! BEAST! BEAST!
Ed just wanted power to make a girl weep;
Owen, despite what Fans thought, would not brook such a creep!
And SO
He'd do something Ed liked least of all!
He'd enter Ed's house, he would make Ed feel small,
Would offer suggestions, profound imag'ry firing
They'd sit eye to eye and he'd mess with Ed's wiring!
But it wasn't that easy; to muddy the plot
Enter Bernie, the most reviled person in Splott.
The Rift was invoked and blackmail twice tried,
But in Bernie's vision, he still DIED DIED DIED DIED!
But Ed, meanwhile, stewed,
AND he STEWED! STEWED! STEWED! STEWED!
And the more that he thought of the blackmailing twat
The more Ed thought, "I must go to the mat!
"Why for forty-three years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop the guilt from coming!
...But HOW?"
How? Confrontation.
Where? In the street.
No matter what happened, Ed knew he would meet
Satisfaction he'd only known decades before
At the sharp end of a knife, in a puddle of gore.
And so all the threads of memory and fate
Came together in Splott on a street, in the grate
Where blood flowed that Owen had wanted to spill,
But held back with tremendous effort of will.
And no one was happy, neither living nor dead;
Gwen had blood on her hands
Thanks to Bernie, Owen and Ed.
And the Fans, with their fan-fingers poised, ready to go,
Sat puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
Owen was vile! Now my verdict is marred!
He defended the innocent and then went too far!"
And they puzzled all week, `till their puzzlers were sore.
Then the Fans thought of something they hadn't before!
"Maybe Owen," they thought, "Isn't pure white or black.
"Maybe Owen...please, Russ T...has a planned arc to track?"
And what happened then...?
Well...in Fan-ville they say
That Owen's small heart
Grew three sizes that day!
But the minute his heart didn't feel quite so cramped,
He returned to his efforts to get in ladies' pants.
He brought back innuendo! Resumed trying to peep!
But fans...
...fans now knew...!
That rude waters run deep!
*Note: For "Fans" in this parody, you can read "rustydog" since it's just a rough impression of how the episode started to change how I watched Owen. I don't know what other fans' experiences were like.
* Note #2: I use "pants" here in the American sense, trousers, but I think it could work both ways. :)
***
This all began when I was stressed and started, as I do, making silly cartoons.
Owen in "Ghost Machine"