but now we move to feel for ourselves inside some stranger's stomach
Today....today was bland and flat. It should not have been. Laura Mattison was at school and i walked with her around the new building, showing her the nooks and crannies of our warped and ruined school. i didn't spend much time thinking about anything at all today, and then i got diagnosed with mild depression. i have the option to take anti-depressants if i just say the word. if i just say, 'yes, i want this to stop, help me now,' my parents will be informed and i will be given pills that will maybe make me not think, or make me forget, or maybe just take away all of my metaphorical nerves and leave me as.....me without all of the me. but maybe that will be a good thing. i don't know yet.
two people have asked me to be their valentines. one as a friend and one as someone who loves me and who i would love back if i could but i can't so maybe that's just as a friend too, at least on my part.
maybe i don't even need pills because if they are supposed to make me feel a little bit less, then i don't really need that at least right now because i'm not feeling much anyway. i don't know if that's good or bad or anything at all. maybe its the cold outside, maybe its the tea and honey slowly going inside of me, maybe it's all of the work that i have never done and never will do.
conversation inspiring my diagnosis:
shrink: are you happy?
me: sort of, sometimes
shrink: do you respect yourself?
me: ...sort of....sometimes
shrink: do you think your friends respect you?
me: i'm not sure.
shrink: how are you feeling about yourself in general?
me: .....mediocre. just overall very mediocre.
i don't really remember the rest of the conversation...something getting out of here, and i love everyone here, but i'm tired of everything and i want to get away for a little bit so i can deal again.
and running through my head are her words: this is a temporary cloud. things will be crappy for a while, but this will end.
i know. i know it will. but what will i put myself through until then?
two people have asked me to be their valentines. one as a friend and one as someone who loves me and who i would love back if i could but i can't so maybe that's just as a friend too, at least on my part.
maybe i don't even need pills because if they are supposed to make me feel a little bit less, then i don't really need that at least right now because i'm not feeling much anyway. i don't know if that's good or bad or anything at all. maybe its the cold outside, maybe its the tea and honey slowly going inside of me, maybe it's all of the work that i have never done and never will do.
conversation inspiring my diagnosis:
shrink: are you happy?
me: sort of, sometimes
shrink: do you respect yourself?
me: ...sort of....sometimes
shrink: do you think your friends respect you?
me: i'm not sure.
shrink: how are you feeling about yourself in general?
me: .....mediocre. just overall very mediocre.
i don't really remember the rest of the conversation...something getting out of here, and i love everyone here, but i'm tired of everything and i want to get away for a little bit so i can deal again.
and running through my head are her words: this is a temporary cloud. things will be crappy for a while, but this will end.
i know. i know it will. but what will i put myself through until then?