dongyanan
i talked to dongyanan very briefly today. i tried to bring up the hormones thing. i still haven't told her. but i forgot how good she is at avoiding serious conversations (we were together for over 3 months without ever directly discussing our "status" and she didn't admit that i was leaving until i got on the bus to go to the airport). and my ability to manipulate the chinese language to indirectly approach a serious topic in a slightly humorous and not too blunt way has seriously diminished. my verbal sparring skills are looking sad too, which she noticed right away. i'm nervous about telling her because she's been a huge supporter of me being a big huge genderqueer. unfortunately being a big huge genderqueer in china and being one in the US are totally different things. so i think it's going to be hard to make her understand why i'm doing this. it also feels sort of pointless to even pursue the conversation. i dont know if or when i'll ever see her again. i wonder if she'll see this as a fundamental change in who i am, or if she'd take it all in stride.
the hormones thing aside. i dont even know if it's worth it to keep in touch with her at all. our friendship/relationship was an amazing, happy part of my life, but it had an expiration date from the beginning. she's going to stay in china and marry a chinese man and have the TWO kids that she's already registered as having permission to have. even if i go back to china for a while, i could never live there forever. i'm planning for my american life and she's planning for her chinese life and if they ever cross over each other again, it will probably be even more brief than the last time. so is it worth it to even try?
she must have called me 'kangkang' about 50 times in our 10 min conversation. i've certainly missed hearing it. i miss BEING kangkang. i dont know what that means. fall is weird.
tomorrow is august 28. august 28 last year i was in a buddhist nunnery in labrang. i feel funny.
the hormones thing aside. i dont even know if it's worth it to keep in touch with her at all. our friendship/relationship was an amazing, happy part of my life, but it had an expiration date from the beginning. she's going to stay in china and marry a chinese man and have the TWO kids that she's already registered as having permission to have. even if i go back to china for a while, i could never live there forever. i'm planning for my american life and she's planning for her chinese life and if they ever cross over each other again, it will probably be even more brief than the last time. so is it worth it to even try?
she must have called me 'kangkang' about 50 times in our 10 min conversation. i've certainly missed hearing it. i miss BEING kangkang. i dont know what that means. fall is weird.
tomorrow is august 28. august 28 last year i was in a buddhist nunnery in labrang. i feel funny.