Random (angsty) update!
I'm bored. Not quite so bored as I was at the start of the week, but still bored. Apathy rears its ugly head,except that in a way, boredom is necessary for all art. Says Baudelaire, at least. I find it strange to talk to people and realise how profoundly different we can be. For example, I was chatting with a girl who says that she genuinely hates certain people: namely, the ones that see everything around themselves as ends to their means. Which I understand, but I find that I cannot really connect. I can say honestly that I do not hate anyone. Hatred is so intense an emotion and so deeply damaging that I cannot maintain it in my mind for more than a day or so. I told her this, and also mentioned that I find myself frighteningly similar to Mersault in Camus' L'Etranger. I can look around me with near complete detachment and, while not use others, I find that they are entirely other to me, and I have no affinity towards them. All too often, I find myself sitting on my balcony, smoking and drinking, watching others walk to church, to the theatre, and to the match. To mix allusions, when Yeats says in "The Second Coming" that "The best lack all conviction, while the worst/Are full of passionate intensity." I am an unnerving mixture of the two. I'm apathetic towards so many emotional issues, but on rational issues, I become emotional. How can I manage to be both a part of "the best" (no arrogance there, no sirree) and part of "the worst"? Lord God, grant me the grace to love Your creation like You do. You've already given me the ability to not hate, I beg for the ability to love.