Time keeps on slippin' into the future
I can remember around age 26 starting to freak out a little at the impending doom of that heavy number "30" that I was now looking down the business end of. I had a themed birthday party with invites to "my funeral." Somebody made a cake that looked like a cemetery and everyone got dressy to come pay last respects. I was SO YOUNG then.
By the time 30 actually came, I was over it. And now that I'm into the 40s, my attitude is leaning more and more towards "fuck it." Not that I no longer care about anything. It's just no longer a race. The race is over and the spectators went home. I can finish (or not finish) at my own pace. It's not a question anymore of who I want to be one day or what I want to do. I am who I am and I'm doing what I'm doing. For better or worse.
Those younger days seemed like the theme was unlimited possibilities. Everywhere I looked, there were open doors. I could have found a way to move anywhere I wanted to live. Go to school for anything. Start a business if I wanted. Drop it all and just travel, diving headfirst into whatever experiences I found myself in. And if I fucked up, no big deal because there was all sorts of time to recoup. Sure my options were limited by being poor, but lots of people did much more with much less than what I was working with.
I think where I fucked up was that I was too dazzled by all the possibilities and was never able to fully commit to any one thing. Well that and being lazy as fuck. More interested in having fun than working hard (let's be honest here).
Meanwhile, the years were passing and the doors were closing.
Life is sort of the opposite now. Seems everywhere I look, the theme is "you can't do that" or "you can't have that." Time is no longer on my side.
And now I have a son. That was a completely unexpected detour from where I was going-- or wasn't going.
I won't lie, I was someone who'd made the conscious decision that I never wanted children. I'd mostly thought kids and parents were kind of annoying. That sounds shitty to say now but I guess I STILL feel that way. Some kids and some parents ARE totally fucking annoying! I guess the difference is that I now realize that not all of them are. In fact, quite a few are awesome.
MY kid is awesome. And not just because he's mine. I've been around way more children these days than I ever used to and I can say objectively that I lucked out. He's super smart, almost scary so. He's interested in all the geeky sorts of things I used to be. He's fascinated with animals and loves being outdoors... He's 4 now and the baby years are history (can't say I miss them much!) He's old enough that we can do most anything together. It's loads of fun having my little side-kick and getting to introduce him to the world.
I mean... I do realize 4 is a little early to declare your child an unequivocal success. He could always wind up a Juggalo or something one day. Will we have a heart to heart where I get to say "If you're going to be a Juggalo... Be a great one, son."
At least for now though, he seems to have good traits hard-wired and no health problems.
So yeah, life here and now isn't really what I thought it was going to be... but admittedly, I had no real vision for my future. If fatherhood hadn't happened, who knows what I'd be doing.
I can't even bear to go back and read much of what I was posting here back when livejournal was hot and facebook wasn't even on the map yet. Don't recognize much of that person anymore. I guess a lot of you stragglers who are still likely to read this could probably say the same.
Anyway, hope 2012 finds you doing things you enjoy and with few regrets.
I'm pretty active on facebook these days if any old-time livejournal friends want to connect on there.
https://www.facebook.com/geoffrey.hudson.90
By the time 30 actually came, I was over it. And now that I'm into the 40s, my attitude is leaning more and more towards "fuck it." Not that I no longer care about anything. It's just no longer a race. The race is over and the spectators went home. I can finish (or not finish) at my own pace. It's not a question anymore of who I want to be one day or what I want to do. I am who I am and I'm doing what I'm doing. For better or worse.
Those younger days seemed like the theme was unlimited possibilities. Everywhere I looked, there were open doors. I could have found a way to move anywhere I wanted to live. Go to school for anything. Start a business if I wanted. Drop it all and just travel, diving headfirst into whatever experiences I found myself in. And if I fucked up, no big deal because there was all sorts of time to recoup. Sure my options were limited by being poor, but lots of people did much more with much less than what I was working with.
I think where I fucked up was that I was too dazzled by all the possibilities and was never able to fully commit to any one thing. Well that and being lazy as fuck. More interested in having fun than working hard (let's be honest here).
Meanwhile, the years were passing and the doors were closing.
Life is sort of the opposite now. Seems everywhere I look, the theme is "you can't do that" or "you can't have that." Time is no longer on my side.
And now I have a son. That was a completely unexpected detour from where I was going-- or wasn't going.
I won't lie, I was someone who'd made the conscious decision that I never wanted children. I'd mostly thought kids and parents were kind of annoying. That sounds shitty to say now but I guess I STILL feel that way. Some kids and some parents ARE totally fucking annoying! I guess the difference is that I now realize that not all of them are. In fact, quite a few are awesome.
MY kid is awesome. And not just because he's mine. I've been around way more children these days than I ever used to and I can say objectively that I lucked out. He's super smart, almost scary so. He's interested in all the geeky sorts of things I used to be. He's fascinated with animals and loves being outdoors... He's 4 now and the baby years are history (can't say I miss them much!) He's old enough that we can do most anything together. It's loads of fun having my little side-kick and getting to introduce him to the world.
I mean... I do realize 4 is a little early to declare your child an unequivocal success. He could always wind up a Juggalo or something one day. Will we have a heart to heart where I get to say "If you're going to be a Juggalo... Be a great one, son."
At least for now though, he seems to have good traits hard-wired and no health problems.
So yeah, life here and now isn't really what I thought it was going to be... but admittedly, I had no real vision for my future. If fatherhood hadn't happened, who knows what I'd be doing.
I can't even bear to go back and read much of what I was posting here back when livejournal was hot and facebook wasn't even on the map yet. Don't recognize much of that person anymore. I guess a lot of you stragglers who are still likely to read this could probably say the same.
Anyway, hope 2012 finds you doing things you enjoy and with few regrets.
I'm pretty active on facebook these days if any old-time livejournal friends want to connect on there.
https://www.facebook.com/geoffrey.hudson.90