oi...
Depression has sunk it's teeth in me again...
I don't know what it is. I spend all this time trying to figure out what will make me happy and when I finally do it, I'm more unhappy than I was before. This is my last year in school and it's safe to say I haven't been much of your typical college student. I spend quite a bit of time hiding away in my room. This is supposed to be fun for me! ...the last hoorah....freedom in its final stages. Right??
Oh well, regardless, college is none of those things for me. I keep telling myself that I'm just different from everyone else...that I require a different set of events to keep me happy. Simplicity is key...no need to do things that are far too overrated.
In reality, I'm just a pretentious, arrogant little girl who despite the shy tendencies...needs to get out and do something.
However, that's not all that bothers me now. Two more very important things have torn me apart these past few weeks. First, what to do with myself on a broader scale. I have spent my whole life dreaming of doing something great. As my good friend George would point out, it was my desire that made him love me. ...We were pretty young...but he knew things about me that I still think no one else quite understands. When I settled into going to school close to home..he hated me and now I understand why. Because any desire I had to do all those things I said I would do was gone. I can't say anything to explain what happened other than I woke up one morning and it was gone. I cried for countless hours ....and that's when I settled into depression for the first time. I truly felt like a failure.
You spend your whole childhood being molded into this maladjusted teenager..and no one really understands why they can't adjust! I'll tell you why....because the mold laid out for you....you just...you just don't fit into it! Someone spent all this time planning out how great you're going to be, but really all they've done is create this version of themselves that they wish they could be.
ahhh! And to go way off topic...why don't people take words as they are? I say things and state how everything is to me ...it's clear cut...and yet people still insist on reading into stuff ...... I SAY WHAT I MEAN! ..sorry..just had to say that...
I'm rambling now..this has really been a pointless entry for most..and unfinished at that...oh well
I don't know what it is. I spend all this time trying to figure out what will make me happy and when I finally do it, I'm more unhappy than I was before. This is my last year in school and it's safe to say I haven't been much of your typical college student. I spend quite a bit of time hiding away in my room. This is supposed to be fun for me! ...the last hoorah....freedom in its final stages. Right??
Oh well, regardless, college is none of those things for me. I keep telling myself that I'm just different from everyone else...that I require a different set of events to keep me happy. Simplicity is key...no need to do things that are far too overrated.
In reality, I'm just a pretentious, arrogant little girl who despite the shy tendencies...needs to get out and do something.
However, that's not all that bothers me now. Two more very important things have torn me apart these past few weeks. First, what to do with myself on a broader scale. I have spent my whole life dreaming of doing something great. As my good friend George would point out, it was my desire that made him love me. ...We were pretty young...but he knew things about me that I still think no one else quite understands. When I settled into going to school close to home..he hated me and now I understand why. Because any desire I had to do all those things I said I would do was gone. I can't say anything to explain what happened other than I woke up one morning and it was gone. I cried for countless hours ....and that's when I settled into depression for the first time. I truly felt like a failure.
You spend your whole childhood being molded into this maladjusted teenager..and no one really understands why they can't adjust! I'll tell you why....because the mold laid out for you....you just...you just don't fit into it! Someone spent all this time planning out how great you're going to be, but really all they've done is create this version of themselves that they wish they could be.
ahhh! And to go way off topic...why don't people take words as they are? I say things and state how everything is to me ...it's clear cut...and yet people still insist on reading into stuff ...... I SAY WHAT I MEAN! ..sorry..just had to say that...
I'm rambling now..this has really been a pointless entry for most..and unfinished at that...oh well