(no subject)
it is amazing how alone you can feel in a crowd.
i dont think i have ever been as lonely as i was today. it seemed no matter whati did, who i tried to call, i didnt get a response. i couldnt talk to my sister who was way to held up in being with her friends and being a bitch to me, my friends didnt pick up their phones...and there was just this feeling. its like. i felt as though no one else would notice me. i drove around today...trying to make myself feel more..well.. a part of something. i walked into stores that looked crowded. hoping for some interaction... only to find myself feeling alone and alienated.
its weird to feel this way. i dont know.. like no one cares. this whole day has been of a reflective matter. i couldnt help but think, do i have real friends? are the people around me ones i really could run to and cry to? even if you are reading this and saying to yourself "of course im your real friend" take into consideration this: would you come cryiing to me? and do i feel the same way? i dont mean to sound like a bitch, but really..
these thoughts eventually lead me to the conclusion of another. i realized how unimportant my accomplishments have been so far. i realized how fucking selfish i have been, and how pathetic my trivial problems were. Look at me. who am i? is it really that important that i have good grades? or a nice purse? what do either of these do for who i am? i sit around and wonder about what stupid shirt to wear tomorrow, when i really should be appreciating the fact that i am alive. i dont think i have ever experienced reality. everything i hvae done in my life was for the benefit of myself. my school work was so i can get a good job.. my music because it was something i could brag about.. my voulnteer work because its good on my resumee.. i am a shallow person. but what about reality? how have i been able to be so completely self absorbed these past years?
look at my stupid whiny posts about " i wish iwas in love" bla bla bla shit... i wish i was REAL. why am i sitting here complainging when you look at the tsunami survivors. look at them...
I ask of you to take a minute and look. and to think. i ask of you to reconsider how significant your lives are. if that happened to us tomorrow, how would you look back on your life? look at these pictures...these are real.
she is real. he is real. they are the ones that deserve the life that i live. they are the ones that have suffered..lost their families. the first girl lost her entire family.. the boy is crying because hes watching his sisters body being cremated. can you imagine? what if this was us..you..me..your brother, your sister...
so what am i really saying here? i dont really know myself. maybe i am trying to just say that it is time for all of us to be real before it is too late. maybe what i am saying is that it is time we stop pretending and trying to be someone we arent, because it can get swept away in a moment. maybe this is just a call for attention after a day of feeling completely alone. maybe its both.
its amazing how easy it is to cover up a tears... a little excuse about dust in the air, and a bright smile. i wonder if people can see through it.
i dont think i have ever been as lonely as i was today. it seemed no matter whati did, who i tried to call, i didnt get a response. i couldnt talk to my sister who was way to held up in being with her friends and being a bitch to me, my friends didnt pick up their phones...and there was just this feeling. its like. i felt as though no one else would notice me. i drove around today...trying to make myself feel more..well.. a part of something. i walked into stores that looked crowded. hoping for some interaction... only to find myself feeling alone and alienated.
its weird to feel this way. i dont know.. like no one cares. this whole day has been of a reflective matter. i couldnt help but think, do i have real friends? are the people around me ones i really could run to and cry to? even if you are reading this and saying to yourself "of course im your real friend" take into consideration this: would you come cryiing to me? and do i feel the same way? i dont mean to sound like a bitch, but really..
these thoughts eventually lead me to the conclusion of another. i realized how unimportant my accomplishments have been so far. i realized how fucking selfish i have been, and how pathetic my trivial problems were. Look at me. who am i? is it really that important that i have good grades? or a nice purse? what do either of these do for who i am? i sit around and wonder about what stupid shirt to wear tomorrow, when i really should be appreciating the fact that i am alive. i dont think i have ever experienced reality. everything i hvae done in my life was for the benefit of myself. my school work was so i can get a good job.. my music because it was something i could brag about.. my voulnteer work because its good on my resumee.. i am a shallow person. but what about reality? how have i been able to be so completely self absorbed these past years?
look at my stupid whiny posts about " i wish iwas in love" bla bla bla shit... i wish i was REAL. why am i sitting here complainging when you look at the tsunami survivors. look at them...
I ask of you to take a minute and look. and to think. i ask of you to reconsider how significant your lives are. if that happened to us tomorrow, how would you look back on your life? look at these pictures...these are real.
she is real. he is real. they are the ones that deserve the life that i live. they are the ones that have suffered..lost their families. the first girl lost her entire family.. the boy is crying because hes watching his sisters body being cremated. can you imagine? what if this was us..you..me..your brother, your sister...
so what am i really saying here? i dont really know myself. maybe i am trying to just say that it is time for all of us to be real before it is too late. maybe what i am saying is that it is time we stop pretending and trying to be someone we arent, because it can get swept away in a moment. maybe this is just a call for attention after a day of feeling completely alone. maybe its both.
its amazing how easy it is to cover up a tears... a little excuse about dust in the air, and a bright smile. i wonder if people can see through it.