Why is everything so surreal this week?
I saw him today. Not like up close or anything, but my mom and I were at the intersection, waiting to turn, and he was waiting in the turn lane on the other street. At first, I didn’t entirely recognize his truck, because ya know, I always look at the vehicles around me, and then I thought about it, and looked back, and recognized the stickers.
It was bound to happen sooner or later, I know. I’ve known it was coming. Next will be when I actually face-to-face run into him. I’m not looking forward to that. How will I react? How should I react, considering it was my choice to push him away completely? Do I say hi and then continue on? Do I just ignore him entirely or do the smile and nod thing? I haven’t seriously put any thought into the fall-out of my decision because it hasn’t come up. And now I wonder if he noticed me too.
When we had turned, I started wondering all these things, and I could feel his phantom kiss again. Keeping my resolve strong feels nearly impossible at times. I have to remind myself constantly that this is the right thing, that it’s the necessary thing. That I have someone who actually, truly cares for me, who I truly care for in return. That I don’t need him. That I’m better off now than I was before. It’s been about a month since I dropped that letter off. A month since I’ve had any contact with him. My heart isn’t healing like I had hoped it would, but it’s in the process, I suppose. It’s good that I’m keeping this promise to myself, regardless of how much it hurts. The payoff will come.
I guess that’s part of why the University of Idaho has so much appeal…it gets me out and away, but not too far away. It gets me somewhere where I won’t think of him where ever I look; somewhere where I am sure that I won’t and can’t run into him. It would be hard and scary, but it would be worth the discomfort and financial difficulties. I don’t know if he’s made it into St. John’s or if he’s staying here for the fall. If he is staying, I almost don’t want to go to school yet. But I can’t let him dictate my education, because it’s not likely that I’ll continue if I don’t start again this year. He’s not in control of me, I am. I’ve taken the reigns back.
I’ve grown up a lot, but I still feel so young and helpless. I think that’s why staying here at home is so appealing. Well, that and the fact that I haven’t got anything saved up to move away. And Danny might move here. I would love for him to be up here. I’d be able to cuddle, and love, and walk in the sunshine with someone. Sure, I can and do these things with my friends, but it’s different when you do it with the person whom you will be sharing your life with. How do I know that Danny’s that person for me? I prayed about it four years ago, and since then I’ve just known. Even when we haven’t spoken in a while, or we’ve had our other relationships or whatever, I’ve known that he’s who I’ll be with. He’s my Danny, and I am his.