In the Dark [2]
Title: In the Dark
Beta: muramatsu_aoi
Pairing: Yunho/Jaejoong
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Romance, Angst, Drama
Summary: In a world of secrecy and iniquity, love still blooms in the cover of the night.
“So, are you planning on dying by the time you’re forty?”
Jaejoong turned his head, and his lips quirked into a small smile when he saw who was heading for him. He chuckled and tossed his pack of cigarettes at Yoochun, “Shut up asshole, we all know you’re going to die first.”
Yoochun laughed and sat down next to Jaejoong on the balcony, his slim legs slipping through the railing and dangling over the edge. “So, is there any reason why you’re looking particularly somber tonight?”
Jaejoong was silent for a few seconds. His eyes focused on the burning tip of his cigarette, and as he lifted it to his lips, his heart clenched tightly in his chest. “Yoochun, I bet Changmin’s going to break up with you as soon as he realizes how much of a bum you really are.”
The younger man’s face contorted into a confused look, “Are you trying to be an asshole?”
Jaejoong laughed bitterly and turned his head away. Those words roused feelings he was desperately trying to bury. He smiled wistfully and repeated words he’d first said so many months ago, “No darling, I just wanted to catch your attention.”
Yoochun shook his head disapprovingly and reached out to take Jaejoong’s cigarette. He brought it to his own lips and shot a look at the older man, “Sometimes, I feel like you’re stuck in the past…like you’re here, but at the same time you aren’t. Was the break up that bad?”
“I left him, so…” Jaejoong shrugged and glanced at his friend, “I thought you promised Changmin that you’d quit?”
“I’m anxious. I’m meeting his parents tomorrow,” Yoochun confessed. He breathed in deeply and took another drag of the cigarette before he spoke again. “Honestly, you look like the kind of person that has a fucked up love life. I could tell the moment you stepped into the hotel lobby.”
“I think a fucked up life in general would be a better description,” Jaejoong offered as he reached out to take his cigarette back. He chuckled at the irritated roll of Yoochun’s eyes and nudged his friend with his elbow. “Give me my cigarette back you asshole. I don’t want you to get an asthma attack and die on me -“
“Fuck off,” the younger man hissed as he pushed Jaejoong away. “Just let me finish this one. I know you’ve been going through my old stash anyway. You should be thankful I’m not asking you to pay me back -“
“I’m saving your life -“
“At the cost of yours? You’re not a martyr Jaejoong,” Yoochun said offhandedly, his words unknowingly hitting Jaejoong hard. The latter froze, and Yoochun just continued to speak, totally unaware of the effect he’d had.
“You act like a bitch sometimes, you talk about sex but don’t have any, and you seem so lost all the time. If anything, I think you’re the one who needs saving.”
Yoochun took a drag of the cigarette and exhaled. He glanced at Jaejoong, and he studied the other man carefully. “Look, those are just words coming from me, a wannabe composer with no experience in psychology or psycho - whatever, but I honestly think I’m right. Changmin accuses me of spending too much time trying to figure you out, and he’s right about that, but I think I’m right - no, I know I’m right. You need help. I don’t know what kind, but you need it.”
Jaejoong shook his head and drew his knees close to his chest. He forced a smile upon his lips and shook his head, “Fuck you.”
“No Jaejoong, fuck you,” Yoochun replied breezily, “For giving up on whatever it is you’re running from. I know a runner when I see one.”
Jaejoong took a shallow breath and buried his face into his knees. He spoke again albeit the fact that his voice was being muffled by his legs, “You sure know how to shake up people, don’t you?”
“What can I say, I feel like I know you longer than I have. Changmin’s been theorizing that we’re some kind of pair of soulmates - messed up smokers that have a tendency to be overdramatic and emotional.”
Jaejoong lifted his head and turned to look at Yoochun, “So, if we’re soulmates, how come you’re dating Changmin, and not me?”
Yoochun laughed, “First thing, have you seen Changmin?” His words managed to rouse a burst of laughter and a genuine smile out of Jaejoong, and Yoochun’s smile widened. He cleared his throat and continued, “Secondly, you’re still obviously in love with someone else. I’m not into love triangles. Things like that get way too fucked up in the long run. I deserve better.”
“You shouldn’t settle for this. You deserve better too.”
Jaejoong ran a hand through his hair and stared out at the city skyline. In such a big and foreign city, his feelings of loneliness were amplified. The bustling streets were hundreds of meters away, and even in the midst swarm of the busy metropolitan populace, nothing could save him from the emptiness inside.
Once upon a time, he’d honestly thought leaving Yunho was the best decision to make. He was fucked up beyond repair - a used and abused toy of fate, with nothing to offer Yunho other than a tragic past and a mundane future.
Before he could hold himself back, he was crying.
“Jaejoong, fuck, don’t cry,” Yoochun whispered tenderly as he dropped his cigarette to scramble over to where Jaejoong was. “Shit, don’t cry. I’m sorry -“
“It’s not - it’s not,” Jaejoong choked on his tears and breathed in deeply. He shook his head and wiped his tears away, “It’s not your fault -“
“We’re going to get out of here…together.”
It was too much. Feeling Yoochun’s arms around him didn’t feel as right as Yunho’s embrace. The memories were flooding his senses, and the walls he’d tried to build to protect his fragile heart were crashing down. The tears refused to stop falling, his heart refused to stop breaking, and his mind refused to quiet down.
You’re too good for a guy like me, and one day, you’ll realize that.
“I’m sorry Yunho,” Jaejoong choked out before he clutched Yoochun tighter and cried onto his friend’s shoulder, mourning for the lover he’d left behind.
o-o-o
“Don’t you love me?” Hyunsoo questioned over the phone.
Jaejoong clenched the handset tightly in his hand, “Of course…of course I do,” he whispered, his voice cracking. He shot a glance at the bathroom door - the shower was still running.
“Then…you can do those for me, right?”
“Of course…of course I can.”
Hyunsoo took a deep breath, “Just imagine he’s me baby.”
“…okay.”
The bathroom door opened, and Jaejoong cast his gaze over to where the man was. He gripped the phone so tightly he thought it would shatter due to the strength of his grip.
“I have to go now…I love you.”
“Okay, bye.”
The man came over, and Jaejoong was pushed against the bed. His eyes fluttered shut, and he could feel the other man undress him. He couldn’t bring himself to reciprocate the rough kisses, and unfamiliar hands made his way across his body, and as they reached for belt, bile rose to his throat.
It was like everything was a hazy blur, and he couldn’t breathe. He was suffocating under the weight of the man, under the weight of his grief, under the weight of his own disgust. Before he knew what he was doing, he’d shoved the other man off and ran out of the room.
He broke down as soon as he was down the hallway. Jaejoong sobbed quietly near the elevator. He just couldn’t do it.
“Are you giving up?”
Jaejoong slowly lifted his head, and he met the cold gaze of the man who’d sent Hyunsoo away in the first place. His heart clenched tightly in his chest, and he didn’t know how to make things right.
“So, are you going back in there?”
“I…”
“Are you, or aren’t you?”
“Isn’t there…isn’t there something else?” Jaejoong whispered, his voice dripping with desperation. “Please, please, just…just not that. I’ll do anything but…I…”
The man dropped a bag down in front of Jaejoong. He looked at the bag of pills by his feet and when he raised his eyes, the man spoke again. “Sell those by tonight and I’ll see if we can come up with some kind of deal.”
o-o-o
Yoochun was like some sort of mother hen, and Jaejoong didn’t know how to stop having the younger man bother him incessantly about anything and everything. After that one night on the balcony, Yoochun refused to leave him alone. It had been around two months since the event, and in that span of time, Yoochun had almost become an extension of himself. The way Yoochun was behaving was like the time when they’d first met. On his first day at the bar, Yoochun had decided that Jaejoong was too skinny, too lost, and too depressed to live alone and had forced him to move in with him. It was thanks to Yoochun and Changmin that Jaejoong’s life became more than lonely days and even worse nights.
Needless to say, it didn’t seem like Changmin approved of Yoochun’s unusual and occasionally failed attempts at mothering, but he never complained. The three of them now all lived in Yoochun’s tiny, pathetic, excuse of an apartment, but they were happy.
Jaejoong felt like he was happy.
“You’re thinking again,” Yoochun commented as he wiped a martini glass. “About what…I really do not know.” He glanced over to where some inebriated lady in a red dress was spinning on the dance floor, “Do you think she’ll fall?”
Jaejoong glanced at the lady, “I think so.”
Seconds later, the lady crashed onto the floor and her companions quickly made their way over to haul her off the ground. Jaejoong turned back to the bar counter and wiped the surface slowly until it gleamed.
“Hey.”
Jaejoong looked up and turned his head so that he could face Yoochun, “Yeah?”
“You don’t have to worry about Changmin,” Yoochun started slowly. He set down a bottle of Bailey’s onto the counter and wiped his hands on a rag. “I know he’s kind of snarky, and he complains about you every once in a while, but he really does -“
A small smile graced Jaejoong’s face, “I know.”
Yoochun’s face softened, and the tender look on his face made Jaejoong feel slightly uneasy. No matter what, he still felt like he was undeserving of Yoochun and Changmin’s unending depths of generosity. It was like both of them were determined to fix him, or at least, to repair the years of damage that had been done to him.
His smile faltered, and Yoochun’s tender expression turned disapproving.
“You should smile more.”
“I don’t know.”
“How to smile more?” Yoochun scowled and reached over to pinch Jaejoong’s cheek irritatingly. “It shouldn’t be so hard to get a genuine smile from out of you. Seriously, it’s not that hard, just -“
Their manager came over and slammed his hands on the bar counter. “Hey, both of you, stop with the flirting and get back to work!”
Yoochun rolled his eyes, “Geez.”
“You started it,” Jaejoong commented before he turned away and began to make his way to the other side of the hotel bar. Yoochun scowled at his friend’s retreating figure and threw his rag at the other man’s back. Jaejoong turned around, and Yoochun flipped him off.
“Hey! You totally started it -“
Yoochun stuck his tongue out before he replied. “Put a smile on that face! Show everyone that the world is filled with sunshine and happiness!”
o-o-o
“I have to go back, my break’s over.” Yunho looked at him with his usual gentle gaze, and the look made Jaejoong’s heart flutter. The pitter patter of the rain falling quietly in the background prevented an empty silence, and it distracted Jaejoong from staring at Yunho’s handsome face for too long.
“But it’s still raining, you’ll get wet.”
Jaejoong waited for Yunho’s answer, hoping that his words would convince the other to stay for a bit longer. Being with Yunho was like a drug on its own, for these few minutes, he would forget he was. Jaejoong knew it was selfish to want Yunho to stay, but wasn’t it okay for him to be selfish, just this once?
In his life filled with sin and misery, Yunho was all he had to remind him what normalcy was. Somehow, in their fucked up environment, he’d managed to find Yunho…and it was becoming hard to let go of him.
“I…it’s okay.”
Jaejoong nodded in quiet understanding. His heart pounded in his chest the longer Yunho looked at him, piercing eyes on such a gentle face. He didn’t know what Yunho saw in him, and it scared him. There was so much about him that Yunho didn’t know, so many secrets that he didn’t know of.
If Yunho knew everything, would he still look at him the same way?
The longer they stayed together, the more complicated things would be. Jaejoong knew how things went, and his relationship with Hyunsoo was a clear example of how far things could spiral out of control, but what he had with Yunho was different. Yunho and Hyunsoo were hardly alike. He and Hyunsoo were fit for one another, they were equally messed up and equally imperfect. Yunho on the other hand…he didn’t belong. He deserved better, and he deserved to be happy.
“Bye Yunho.”
Yunho looked alarmed for a few seconds, like he’d been snapped out of a trance. He searched Jaejoong’s face for something, and the look in his eyes scared Jaejoong. It looked too much like…
It looked like Yunho was in love with him.
o-o-o
Loneliness was inevitable feeling. It pervaded his senses whenever he saw Yoochun and Changmin together, when he saw so many signs in a language he was still learning to fully grasp, and it reminded him of Yunho and everything he’d left behind. On some nights, he didn’t regret a thing, on others…he wasn’t safe from the sorrow and bitterness that would grip his heart.
When he’d fled from the motel that night, he hadn’t exactly known where to go. His family had thrown him out long ago, so they weren’t an option. After paying off Hyunsoo’s debt, he didn’t have much money left, but he used most of it to eventually make his way to Japan. It wasn’t that he liked Japan in particular, but he figured that it would be the best place to start a new life.
He hadn’t known that it would be drastically different from Korea. The language, the people, and the whole environment had swarmed him with a dreaded feeling of homesickness that washed out his heartbreak for a couple of weeks. It’d been difficult to find a job because his Japanese was close to terrible - after all, he only knew the language because it’d been his foreign language in university before he’d dropped out. But thanks to his face and the bartending skills he’d learned before he’d ever met Hyunsoo, his current manager had gotten charmed and hired him anyway.
He wished he was someone else, that he wasn’t who he was. Maybe in another life, he would’ve never met Hyunsoo. Maybe in that life, he would’ve been free to love Yunho as much as he’d wanted to. Yet, despite who he was and everything that he’d done, he knew that the person who he was in this life was the person that Yunho had loved.
Despite his sins, Jung Yunho had loved him once. He’d looked at him with such loving eyes, and had been so willing to accept him into his arms. Whenever Yunho had looked at him, Jaejoong just knew. He knew that Yunho would take care of him better than Hyunsoo had ever did.
But that was all in the past, things were different now.
He didn’t know if Yunho loved him anymore, but what Jaejoong did know was that he still loved Yunho. Maybe they would never meet again, or maybe they would, but Jaejoong refused to cling to foolish dreams. The past would forever remain, and his mistakes would always linger.
“Are you drunk?”
Jaejoong looked up, and Changmin raised an eyebrow. “No, I’m not,” Jaejoong answered easily as he set his bottle of beer down. He leaned back into the sofa and scooted over so there would be space for Changmin.
“Just making sure,” Changmin explained as he sat down with his bag of chips in hand. He took the remote and turned on the television, “When all of us were drunk that night at that karaoke place, you said some stuff.”
Jaejoong tensed and glanced at Changmin, “Like what?”
“You kept talking about some guy named Yunho. You were apologizing,” Changmin replied dully, like he wasn’t talking about another depressing action that Jaejoong had done. He shrugged and continued to change the channel. “You know I don’t like to pry, but who’s Yunho? An ex-boyfriend?”
“Kind of.”
Neither one of them said anything after. Jaejoong continued to watch Changmin for a reaction. He wasn’t as close to Changmin as he was to Yoochun, and he’d only talked to Yoochun about Yunho once. The younger man’s face was particularly emotionless, and the lack of a reaction set Jaejoong on edge.
“I don’t know if you know, but Yoochun used to date an asshole once.”
Jaejoong laughed, “Haven’t we all? Besides, I’m pretty sure he’s still dating one.”
Changmin’s lips quirked into a smile at the sly insult, “I think I’m dating one now too.” He glanced at Jaejoong briefly before he turned his eyes away, “Was Yunho an asshole?”
Jaejoong’s heart tightened in his chest. His smile turned sad, and he averted his eyes away from Changmin’s face so that he could stare blankly at what was on the television screen.
“No, he was anything but an asshole.”
Changmin took Jaejoong’s beer off the table and sipped, “He broke up with you first?” he asked.
“I ended things.”
If Changmin had asked why, Jaejoong would’ve said no, but luckily, Changmin didn’t pry any further. He was more calculating than Yoochun, and after spending months getting to know him, Jaejoong knew Changmin would be able to worm more information out of him. After all, his usual secretive self had already been loosened up by alcohol and friendship.
“Do you still love him?”
Jaejoong was silent for a few seconds. He watched as some gag man did an exaggerated imitation of a youthful actress, but his mind could hardly register the comedic gag. His heart was pounding in his chest, and although he knew the answer, it was still hard to voice it aloud.
“In case you didn’t know, I’m a noble idiot.”
Changmin chuckled and took another sip of Jaejoong’s beer, “I figured. You look like you’re the type. So I take that your answer is a yes?”
Jaejoong kept his eyes glued to the television.
“Yeah.”
“So he’s the unforgettable kind of love then?” Changmin questioned, “I don’t know what kind of advice I can give you then. If he’s unforgettable then he’s just well…”
Jaejoong laughed and turned his head to look at Changmin. “Unforgettable?”
The younger man frowned, “Yeah…I guess. You should’ve given me more time to think of a better word. Everyone knows you’re not supposed to use -“
“Yeah, I know,” Jaejoong said softly. He shot Changmin a small, warm smile and reached out to take his beer back. He turned his eyes back to the television before he spoke again. “You know, a year ago, I thought it’d be easy to forget him. I was wrong, of course.”
The comedians on the television gathered to prepare for some sort of gag, but Jaejoong couldn’t even guess as to what they were planning to do. He could feel Changmin’s eyes on him, and the casual silence between them encouraged him to speak more. After all, after spending a year keeping things to himself, it would be better to let go of some things.
“It wasn’t…I wasn’t in the right place to be with him, so I left.” Jaejoong explained slowly, the words coming to him easily. “It was a dangerous mix of guilt and self-loathing, and it drove me away from him. I couldn’t even think of explaining things to him, so I took a coward’s way out and just left one night.”
“Did you ever try to see him again? Did you try to make sure he was okay -“
Jaejoong shook his head and brought the beer bottle to his lips, “I didn’t. It makes things hard for me. I’m left in this state now, wondering where we could be if I hadn’t run away and wondering how he is now.” He sipped the last of the beer and set the bottle down.
He leaned back and breathed in deeply. Jaejoong turned his head and smiled at Changmin, “If I could, I’d want to see him again - to apologize, to…tell him all the things I wasn’t able to tell him before.”
“You never know, you may see him again -“
Jaejoong shook his head and chuckled, “I don’t think so.” He looked away from Changmin and turned his eyes back to the television. The variety show was over and had been replaced by a late night soap opera. The characters on the screen embraced tightly, and the sight made Jaejoong’s lips form into a wry smile.
“It doesn’t hurt to hope,” Changmin said softly. “It could happen.”
Jaejoong sighed wistfully, and his heart clenched tightly in his chest. It hurt to hope. Although the guilt had washed away like the days, the longing had never truly faded. It remained in his heart, crashing against him every once in a while like waves upon the shore.
Yet despite the dull ache brought about by his feelings, he knew he was no longer in danger of crumbling down. He would stand strong, and he would stand resilient. Being the romantic that he was, he refused to forget everything he’d had with Yunho.
“Yeah, I guess it could happen,” Jaejoong agreed before he reached over to steal the remote so that he could change the channel.
Although it hurt to hope, he wouldn’t let go - not yet.
o-o-o
“I…I want to go to law school,” Yunho stuttered, “I don’t know yet where I’m going, but I’m hoping that I can get a scholarship or something -“
Jaejoong watched as Yunho rambled, and he couldn’t hold himself back any longer. Everything about Yunho was calling to him. His attraction to the younger man was unbearable. For just one moment, he wanted to be able to know what it was to be like with someone who loved him.
He knew now that Hyunsoo had never loved him all along.
Before he could hold himself back, he reached forward and cupped Yunho’s face. He pressed his lips against the other man’s, and his eyes fluttered shut. His heart was pounding so strongly in his chest that it scared him.
Was this love?
He didn’t want it to be, but as soon as he felt Yunho kiss him back and press him against the hard surface of the bus stop advertisement, he knew. It scared him, and he felt guilty for leading Yunho along, but just this once, he wanted to be selfish.
For these few minutes, he wanted to feel what love was like.
o-o-o
“You’re so selfish!” Jaejoong laughed and pushed Yoochun away. He took the last bottle of beer for himself and quickly began to drink it. He felt the other man pull at his arm, but he quickly shoved Yoochun away and tried to bolt away. Another pair of hands grabbed at him, and Jaejoong knew it was Changmin.
“How could you finish it?” Yoochun wailed, “You know I’ve wanted to drink that since this morning!”
“Jaejoong, you said you would cook tonight -“
Before he knew it, Jaejoong was cornered by two bodies. He nearly dropped the beer as soon as Yoochun squeezed him tightly, and he burst out laughing as Changmin snatched the beer away.
“Now come on Jaejoong! It’s time for you to cook!” Changmin yelled victoriously as he downed the beer,much to his boyfriend’s dismay.
Yoochun shook his head in amusement and buried his face into Jaejoong’s shoulder as he laughed. Jaejoong chuckled and began to move to the kitchen, Yoochun, still gripping onto him tightly like a child. Changmin threw a pillow at both of them, and Yoochun began shouting about how Changmin was a terrible boyfriend. The two bickered, and Yoochun’s arms still remained around Jaejoong’s body.
Life still wasn’t perfect, but he was happy. Changmin and Yoochun filled him with a certain kind of joy, but despite that, he still missed Yunho. However, he’d become accustomed to the feeling of longing that took up the void that Yunho had once filled. He chalked it up to being just another part of life.
After all, no one ever got everything they wanted. Although he would never have Yunho again, it didn’t mean that he couldn’t be happy what he did have with Changmin and Yoochun. Life went on, and he would look to the future with his memories of Yunho treasured deeply in his heart.
o-o-o
Jaejoong shut the door behind him and began to make his way down the hallway. He couldn’t care less about the man he left behind. What he cared about most was the money he could feel in his back pocket, and hardly anything else. However, despite its value, it was like a weight that pulled him down. It was a reminder of his desperation and corruption.
“Where’s the money?”
Jaejoong stopped walking and narrowed his eyes at Sejong. “What are you doing upstairs? Don’t you usually wait at the lobby?” he asked, his voice harder and stronger than he felt. To be honest, he’d always been afraid of the older man.
Sejong laughed and pushed off the wall. He walked up to Jaejoong and held out his hand expectantly, “Hand it over.” His voice was unfeeling, and Jaejoong silently handed the money from his pocket to the other man.
He watched silently as Sejong pocketed the money. As soon as it had disappeared into the depths of luxurious fabric, hidden entirely from his sight, he raised his eyes and met Sejong’s searching gaze.
“You know that the debt is almost paid, right?”
“I know,” Jaejoong said hollowly. His heart clenched tightly in his chest, and he fought his urge to look down. He refused to back down, “Will he be out of…will he be out of jail soon?”
Sejong tilted his head to the side, “Will you still care if Hyunsoo gets out? I know you’ve gotten a new fling -“
“He’s not a fling.”
“Tell that to someone who’ll believe in that bullshit,” Sejong said dully. He wet his lips and loosened his tie, “The first time we met, you told me that you would do anything for Hyunsoo - that you loved him more than anyone else in the world and that everything would be worth it in the end. Do you remember?”
Jaejoong’s throat constricted, so he merely nodded mutely.
“Do you still love him? Would you still do anything for him? If I asked you to go back into that room and prostitute yourself for him, would you do it?”
The silence was thick in the air, and Jaejoong couldn’t bring himself to say anything. His pride evaporated and he slowly looked down. Shame engulfed him, and silenced his previous defiance.
Hyunsoo was his boyfriend - he was supposed to tell Sejong that of course he would do anything, of course he would sacrifice himself, of course he would do it. Of course, of course, of course - his answer was supposed to come as naturally as breathing. Wasn’t that how love was supposed to work anyway? Wasn’t it supposed to be giving, kind and selfless?
His tongue felt like lead, and his brain refused to command his body to speak. The mere thought of Hyunsoo instantly brought him elsewhere…no, it led him to someone else.
He couldn’t get Yunho out of his mind anymore. What had started out as a casual flirtation had rapidly become something else. The young student had so carefully and so delicately made his way into Jaejoong’s heart, replacing whatever he’d once had with Hyunsoo with something different and completely indescribable.
Was it love?
He didn’t want it to be, but he knew it for what it was, and it was most definitely love.
“Do you know that Hyunsoo has a wife and child?”
Jaejoong’s eyes snapped up.
Sejong handed Jaejoong an envelope. Jaejoong took it from him with shaking hands, but Sejong didn’t comment on the fact that it seemed like Jaejoong looked like he was ready to crumble down in front of him.
“He’s been married for ten years. His wife is named Chaeyoung, and his daughter is named Hyemi. They don’t know he’s in jail for drug dealing. They think he’s just been framed for crimes he didn’t commit, and they don’t know that you’re the one who’s been supporting them this past year. They think the money is coming from his relatives.”
“…he…”
“Set you up,” Sejong said bluntly. He didn’t look like he sympathized with Jaejoong, and his face was still its usual expression. He was a man worn down by indifference and cruelty - why would he even care for Jaejoong? Why would he care that Jaejoong had spent the last year living in the shadows for a man that had never truly loved him?
No, he didn’t care. Just like so many millions of people in the world, Sejong didn’t care about Jaejoong.
“You can stop supporting them if you want, but we’ll turn to them for the money that he still owes -“
“No.”
Jaejoong’s voice wavered, but his resolve was firm. He raised his eyes slowly and returned Sejong’s gaze, “I’ll…I’ll pay everything off. I only have one more job left to do, right? Don’t ruin…don’t ruin what they have. I don’t…”
“Want them to become like you?” Sejong questioned.
Corrupted and ruined - that was what he meant, and they both knew it.
Jaejoong nodded, “Yes.”
They didn’t need to be like him. They were not at fault. He didn’t need to drag them down with him…and neither did Yunho. All of them deserved to remain in their imperfect yet beautiful worlds, free of the darkness that he’d been swept into.
He needed to leave.
o-o-o
“Jaejoong, you need to go downstairs and fetch some ice from the restaurant,” Yoochun insisted as he bumped Jaejoong with his hips. Jaejoong rolled his eyes and put down the martini glass he’d been wiping.
“Why can’t you do it?” Jaejoong asked irritably. He was well aware that a certain woman dressed in red and dripping with jewelry was entranced by Yoochun, but that didn’t mean Yoochun could order him around. After all, he’d been the one who’d started working at the bar first. If anything, it should’ve been him who got the right to order Yoochun around.
Yoochun shot Jaejoong a disinterested look, “She’s going to give me a great tip. I’m sure of it. I promise I’ll split with you -“
“You better give me at least a fourth of it,” Jaejoong grumbled as he wiped his hands on a rag. “I’d ask for more, but I know you’re saving up for some stupid ring for Changmin. Honestly, a ring?”
The younger man laughed, “You were the one who suggested it. Don’t you remember? You gave me a whole speech about eternal love and that sort of bullshit which I happen to now believe in.”
“I don’t believe in love,” Jaejoong mumbled half-heartedly. “Love’s overrated and stupid. Who needs it?”
“Yeah, okay, sure whatever.”
Jaejoong groaned, “Why don’t we have ice in the first place? Aren’t we always supposed to have ice? Why don’t you ask that rich lady friend of yours to just buy ice for us? I’m sure that ring on her index finger would be enough to buy the whole North Pole for us -“
Yoochun pushed Jaejoong and handed him a cooler, “Get moving. Go on.”
Jaejoong sighed and slipped out from behind the counter. He made his way past the rich and distinguished patrons of the bar, making sure not to make eye contact with any of them. It wasn’t that he felt lesser than them; he just didn’t like any of the attention. He knew that some of those men were more than willing to pay for a handsome person in their bed.
He didn’t want to be looked at in that kind of way ever again.
The trip to the closest restaurant was rather long - it was several floors down, and Jaejoong hated taking crowded elevators. He shut his eyes and sighed as a petulant young girl cried for ice cream for the entire duration of the ten floor ride, and her mother’s irritated demands for her to be quiet didn’t make anything better. As soon as he reached his floor, he pushed past the woman rudely without a single backward glance.
He walked past the well-dressed customers of the fancy establishment and made his way to the kitchen. None of the waiters said a thing as he pushed past them, and he quickly found the person he was looking for at the back of the kitchen.
“Junsu, I need ice.”
The chef looked away from the boiling pot of pasta, “You don’t have ice…again? Wasn’t Taeheon supposed to bring up some for you guys? You’re not supposed to be getting ice from us. If there’s a delivery -“
Jaejoong pouted, “Come on, please? I’ll sort it out with the delivery guys tomorrow. I promise. Just this one last time?”
Junsu frowned, “Fine. You know where to get it.”
Jaejoong grinned happily, “Thank you!” He bowed to Junsu and made his way to the freezer. He took several packs of ice and stuffed them into the cooler. After making sure everything was just as it had been previously, he made his way back to Junsu and thanked him.
With his ice in tow, Jaejoong carefully made his way past the busy kitchen staff. He’d once bumped into a person carrying an open can of caviar, and needless to say, his paycheck had taken quite a hit that month because of that incident. He slipped past the staff and pushed the door open and was greeted immediately by a cool air conditioned breeze.
His mind was focused on other things other things as he walked - his gift for Yoochun and Changmin’s anniversary, his need for new pillowcases and his phone’s repair. There were so many things he had in mind, and for once, it seemed like the future was bright for him. The past was becoming almost like a dim haze to him now, and he was eagerly leaving it behind for the chance to grasp at a better future.
He made his way to the elevator, and he was glad that there was only one other person inside. Jaejoong paid the other person no mind and punched the elevator button for himself, still completely caught up in his thoughts. He’d saved enough money for a gift
“You look like you’re deep in thought.”
Jaejoong turned his head and dropped his cooler as soon as he saw who it was. His thoughts scattered, and nothing came to mind. His throat dried, and his heart beat rapidly in his chest.
The man spoke again, his tone teasing but his voice shaking, his face revealing the tumultuous wave of emotions that he was feeling too.
“Hello sweetheart.”
Fin ♥
<
Author’s Note: I hope this wasn’t too confusing a read and that the ending was enjoyable. :3 Anyway, I hope you all liked it! In case any of you were confused, the italicized texts are flashbacks…and, I hope you guys noticed all the lines & stuff that were also from the previous chapter. ^__^ They were all intentional, and yeah. I thought it was a good idea to show how Yunho was still, in some way, a part of Jaejoong’s life even though they were separated. Also, if you guys read the previous chapter, then I think you'd all probably have a good idea of who says hello to Jaejoong at the end. ;) Thank you for reading! ♥
Beta: muramatsu_aoi
Pairing: Yunho/Jaejoong
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Romance, Angst, Drama
Summary: In a world of secrecy and iniquity, love still blooms in the cover of the night.
“So, are you planning on dying by the time you’re forty?”
Jaejoong turned his head, and his lips quirked into a small smile when he saw who was heading for him. He chuckled and tossed his pack of cigarettes at Yoochun, “Shut up asshole, we all know you’re going to die first.”
Yoochun laughed and sat down next to Jaejoong on the balcony, his slim legs slipping through the railing and dangling over the edge. “So, is there any reason why you’re looking particularly somber tonight?”
Jaejoong was silent for a few seconds. His eyes focused on the burning tip of his cigarette, and as he lifted it to his lips, his heart clenched tightly in his chest. “Yoochun, I bet Changmin’s going to break up with you as soon as he realizes how much of a bum you really are.”
The younger man’s face contorted into a confused look, “Are you trying to be an asshole?”
Jaejoong laughed bitterly and turned his head away. Those words roused feelings he was desperately trying to bury. He smiled wistfully and repeated words he’d first said so many months ago, “No darling, I just wanted to catch your attention.”
Yoochun shook his head disapprovingly and reached out to take Jaejoong’s cigarette. He brought it to his own lips and shot a look at the older man, “Sometimes, I feel like you’re stuck in the past…like you’re here, but at the same time you aren’t. Was the break up that bad?”
“I left him, so…” Jaejoong shrugged and glanced at his friend, “I thought you promised Changmin that you’d quit?”
“I’m anxious. I’m meeting his parents tomorrow,” Yoochun confessed. He breathed in deeply and took another drag of the cigarette before he spoke again. “Honestly, you look like the kind of person that has a fucked up love life. I could tell the moment you stepped into the hotel lobby.”
“I think a fucked up life in general would be a better description,” Jaejoong offered as he reached out to take his cigarette back. He chuckled at the irritated roll of Yoochun’s eyes and nudged his friend with his elbow. “Give me my cigarette back you asshole. I don’t want you to get an asthma attack and die on me -“
“Fuck off,” the younger man hissed as he pushed Jaejoong away. “Just let me finish this one. I know you’ve been going through my old stash anyway. You should be thankful I’m not asking you to pay me back -“
“I’m saving your life -“
“At the cost of yours? You’re not a martyr Jaejoong,” Yoochun said offhandedly, his words unknowingly hitting Jaejoong hard. The latter froze, and Yoochun just continued to speak, totally unaware of the effect he’d had.
“You act like a bitch sometimes, you talk about sex but don’t have any, and you seem so lost all the time. If anything, I think you’re the one who needs saving.”
Yoochun took a drag of the cigarette and exhaled. He glanced at Jaejoong, and he studied the other man carefully. “Look, those are just words coming from me, a wannabe composer with no experience in psychology or psycho - whatever, but I honestly think I’m right. Changmin accuses me of spending too much time trying to figure you out, and he’s right about that, but I think I’m right - no, I know I’m right. You need help. I don’t know what kind, but you need it.”
Jaejoong shook his head and drew his knees close to his chest. He forced a smile upon his lips and shook his head, “Fuck you.”
“No Jaejoong, fuck you,” Yoochun replied breezily, “For giving up on whatever it is you’re running from. I know a runner when I see one.”
Jaejoong took a shallow breath and buried his face into his knees. He spoke again albeit the fact that his voice was being muffled by his legs, “You sure know how to shake up people, don’t you?”
“What can I say, I feel like I know you longer than I have. Changmin’s been theorizing that we’re some kind of pair of soulmates - messed up smokers that have a tendency to be overdramatic and emotional.”
Jaejoong lifted his head and turned to look at Yoochun, “So, if we’re soulmates, how come you’re dating Changmin, and not me?”
Yoochun laughed, “First thing, have you seen Changmin?” His words managed to rouse a burst of laughter and a genuine smile out of Jaejoong, and Yoochun’s smile widened. He cleared his throat and continued, “Secondly, you’re still obviously in love with someone else. I’m not into love triangles. Things like that get way too fucked up in the long run. I deserve better.”
“You shouldn’t settle for this. You deserve better too.”
Jaejoong ran a hand through his hair and stared out at the city skyline. In such a big and foreign city, his feelings of loneliness were amplified. The bustling streets were hundreds of meters away, and even in the midst swarm of the busy metropolitan populace, nothing could save him from the emptiness inside.
Once upon a time, he’d honestly thought leaving Yunho was the best decision to make. He was fucked up beyond repair - a used and abused toy of fate, with nothing to offer Yunho other than a tragic past and a mundane future.
Before he could hold himself back, he was crying.
“Jaejoong, fuck, don’t cry,” Yoochun whispered tenderly as he dropped his cigarette to scramble over to where Jaejoong was. “Shit, don’t cry. I’m sorry -“
“It’s not - it’s not,” Jaejoong choked on his tears and breathed in deeply. He shook his head and wiped his tears away, “It’s not your fault -“
“We’re going to get out of here…together.”
It was too much. Feeling Yoochun’s arms around him didn’t feel as right as Yunho’s embrace. The memories were flooding his senses, and the walls he’d tried to build to protect his fragile heart were crashing down. The tears refused to stop falling, his heart refused to stop breaking, and his mind refused to quiet down.
You’re too good for a guy like me, and one day, you’ll realize that.
“I’m sorry Yunho,” Jaejoong choked out before he clutched Yoochun tighter and cried onto his friend’s shoulder, mourning for the lover he’d left behind.
o-o-o
“Don’t you love me?” Hyunsoo questioned over the phone.
Jaejoong clenched the handset tightly in his hand, “Of course…of course I do,” he whispered, his voice cracking. He shot a glance at the bathroom door - the shower was still running.
“Then…you can do those for me, right?”
“Of course…of course I can.”
Hyunsoo took a deep breath, “Just imagine he’s me baby.”
“…okay.”
The bathroom door opened, and Jaejoong cast his gaze over to where the man was. He gripped the phone so tightly he thought it would shatter due to the strength of his grip.
“I have to go now…I love you.”
“Okay, bye.”
The man came over, and Jaejoong was pushed against the bed. His eyes fluttered shut, and he could feel the other man undress him. He couldn’t bring himself to reciprocate the rough kisses, and unfamiliar hands made his way across his body, and as they reached for belt, bile rose to his throat.
It was like everything was a hazy blur, and he couldn’t breathe. He was suffocating under the weight of the man, under the weight of his grief, under the weight of his own disgust. Before he knew what he was doing, he’d shoved the other man off and ran out of the room.
He broke down as soon as he was down the hallway. Jaejoong sobbed quietly near the elevator. He just couldn’t do it.
“Are you giving up?”
Jaejoong slowly lifted his head, and he met the cold gaze of the man who’d sent Hyunsoo away in the first place. His heart clenched tightly in his chest, and he didn’t know how to make things right.
“So, are you going back in there?”
“I…”
“Are you, or aren’t you?”
“Isn’t there…isn’t there something else?” Jaejoong whispered, his voice dripping with desperation. “Please, please, just…just not that. I’ll do anything but…I…”
The man dropped a bag down in front of Jaejoong. He looked at the bag of pills by his feet and when he raised his eyes, the man spoke again. “Sell those by tonight and I’ll see if we can come up with some kind of deal.”
o-o-o
Yoochun was like some sort of mother hen, and Jaejoong didn’t know how to stop having the younger man bother him incessantly about anything and everything. After that one night on the balcony, Yoochun refused to leave him alone. It had been around two months since the event, and in that span of time, Yoochun had almost become an extension of himself. The way Yoochun was behaving was like the time when they’d first met. On his first day at the bar, Yoochun had decided that Jaejoong was too skinny, too lost, and too depressed to live alone and had forced him to move in with him. It was thanks to Yoochun and Changmin that Jaejoong’s life became more than lonely days and even worse nights.
Needless to say, it didn’t seem like Changmin approved of Yoochun’s unusual and occasionally failed attempts at mothering, but he never complained. The three of them now all lived in Yoochun’s tiny, pathetic, excuse of an apartment, but they were happy.
Jaejoong felt like he was happy.
“You’re thinking again,” Yoochun commented as he wiped a martini glass. “About what…I really do not know.” He glanced over to where some inebriated lady in a red dress was spinning on the dance floor, “Do you think she’ll fall?”
Jaejoong glanced at the lady, “I think so.”
Seconds later, the lady crashed onto the floor and her companions quickly made their way over to haul her off the ground. Jaejoong turned back to the bar counter and wiped the surface slowly until it gleamed.
“Hey.”
Jaejoong looked up and turned his head so that he could face Yoochun, “Yeah?”
“You don’t have to worry about Changmin,” Yoochun started slowly. He set down a bottle of Bailey’s onto the counter and wiped his hands on a rag. “I know he’s kind of snarky, and he complains about you every once in a while, but he really does -“
A small smile graced Jaejoong’s face, “I know.”
Yoochun’s face softened, and the tender look on his face made Jaejoong feel slightly uneasy. No matter what, he still felt like he was undeserving of Yoochun and Changmin’s unending depths of generosity. It was like both of them were determined to fix him, or at least, to repair the years of damage that had been done to him.
His smile faltered, and Yoochun’s tender expression turned disapproving.
“You should smile more.”
“I don’t know.”
“How to smile more?” Yoochun scowled and reached over to pinch Jaejoong’s cheek irritatingly. “It shouldn’t be so hard to get a genuine smile from out of you. Seriously, it’s not that hard, just -“
Their manager came over and slammed his hands on the bar counter. “Hey, both of you, stop with the flirting and get back to work!”
Yoochun rolled his eyes, “Geez.”
“You started it,” Jaejoong commented before he turned away and began to make his way to the other side of the hotel bar. Yoochun scowled at his friend’s retreating figure and threw his rag at the other man’s back. Jaejoong turned around, and Yoochun flipped him off.
“Hey! You totally started it -“
Yoochun stuck his tongue out before he replied. “Put a smile on that face! Show everyone that the world is filled with sunshine and happiness!”
o-o-o
“I have to go back, my break’s over.” Yunho looked at him with his usual gentle gaze, and the look made Jaejoong’s heart flutter. The pitter patter of the rain falling quietly in the background prevented an empty silence, and it distracted Jaejoong from staring at Yunho’s handsome face for too long.
“But it’s still raining, you’ll get wet.”
Jaejoong waited for Yunho’s answer, hoping that his words would convince the other to stay for a bit longer. Being with Yunho was like a drug on its own, for these few minutes, he would forget he was. Jaejoong knew it was selfish to want Yunho to stay, but wasn’t it okay for him to be selfish, just this once?
In his life filled with sin and misery, Yunho was all he had to remind him what normalcy was. Somehow, in their fucked up environment, he’d managed to find Yunho…and it was becoming hard to let go of him.
“I…it’s okay.”
Jaejoong nodded in quiet understanding. His heart pounded in his chest the longer Yunho looked at him, piercing eyes on such a gentle face. He didn’t know what Yunho saw in him, and it scared him. There was so much about him that Yunho didn’t know, so many secrets that he didn’t know of.
If Yunho knew everything, would he still look at him the same way?
The longer they stayed together, the more complicated things would be. Jaejoong knew how things went, and his relationship with Hyunsoo was a clear example of how far things could spiral out of control, but what he had with Yunho was different. Yunho and Hyunsoo were hardly alike. He and Hyunsoo were fit for one another, they were equally messed up and equally imperfect. Yunho on the other hand…he didn’t belong. He deserved better, and he deserved to be happy.
“Bye Yunho.”
Yunho looked alarmed for a few seconds, like he’d been snapped out of a trance. He searched Jaejoong’s face for something, and the look in his eyes scared Jaejoong. It looked too much like…
It looked like Yunho was in love with him.
o-o-o
Loneliness was inevitable feeling. It pervaded his senses whenever he saw Yoochun and Changmin together, when he saw so many signs in a language he was still learning to fully grasp, and it reminded him of Yunho and everything he’d left behind. On some nights, he didn’t regret a thing, on others…he wasn’t safe from the sorrow and bitterness that would grip his heart.
When he’d fled from the motel that night, he hadn’t exactly known where to go. His family had thrown him out long ago, so they weren’t an option. After paying off Hyunsoo’s debt, he didn’t have much money left, but he used most of it to eventually make his way to Japan. It wasn’t that he liked Japan in particular, but he figured that it would be the best place to start a new life.
He hadn’t known that it would be drastically different from Korea. The language, the people, and the whole environment had swarmed him with a dreaded feeling of homesickness that washed out his heartbreak for a couple of weeks. It’d been difficult to find a job because his Japanese was close to terrible - after all, he only knew the language because it’d been his foreign language in university before he’d dropped out. But thanks to his face and the bartending skills he’d learned before he’d ever met Hyunsoo, his current manager had gotten charmed and hired him anyway.
He wished he was someone else, that he wasn’t who he was. Maybe in another life, he would’ve never met Hyunsoo. Maybe in that life, he would’ve been free to love Yunho as much as he’d wanted to. Yet, despite who he was and everything that he’d done, he knew that the person who he was in this life was the person that Yunho had loved.
Despite his sins, Jung Yunho had loved him once. He’d looked at him with such loving eyes, and had been so willing to accept him into his arms. Whenever Yunho had looked at him, Jaejoong just knew. He knew that Yunho would take care of him better than Hyunsoo had ever did.
But that was all in the past, things were different now.
He didn’t know if Yunho loved him anymore, but what Jaejoong did know was that he still loved Yunho. Maybe they would never meet again, or maybe they would, but Jaejoong refused to cling to foolish dreams. The past would forever remain, and his mistakes would always linger.
“Are you drunk?”
Jaejoong looked up, and Changmin raised an eyebrow. “No, I’m not,” Jaejoong answered easily as he set his bottle of beer down. He leaned back into the sofa and scooted over so there would be space for Changmin.
“Just making sure,” Changmin explained as he sat down with his bag of chips in hand. He took the remote and turned on the television, “When all of us were drunk that night at that karaoke place, you said some stuff.”
Jaejoong tensed and glanced at Changmin, “Like what?”
“You kept talking about some guy named Yunho. You were apologizing,” Changmin replied dully, like he wasn’t talking about another depressing action that Jaejoong had done. He shrugged and continued to change the channel. “You know I don’t like to pry, but who’s Yunho? An ex-boyfriend?”
“Kind of.”
Neither one of them said anything after. Jaejoong continued to watch Changmin for a reaction. He wasn’t as close to Changmin as he was to Yoochun, and he’d only talked to Yoochun about Yunho once. The younger man’s face was particularly emotionless, and the lack of a reaction set Jaejoong on edge.
“I don’t know if you know, but Yoochun used to date an asshole once.”
Jaejoong laughed, “Haven’t we all? Besides, I’m pretty sure he’s still dating one.”
Changmin’s lips quirked into a smile at the sly insult, “I think I’m dating one now too.” He glanced at Jaejoong briefly before he turned his eyes away, “Was Yunho an asshole?”
Jaejoong’s heart tightened in his chest. His smile turned sad, and he averted his eyes away from Changmin’s face so that he could stare blankly at what was on the television screen.
“No, he was anything but an asshole.”
Changmin took Jaejoong’s beer off the table and sipped, “He broke up with you first?” he asked.
“I ended things.”
If Changmin had asked why, Jaejoong would’ve said no, but luckily, Changmin didn’t pry any further. He was more calculating than Yoochun, and after spending months getting to know him, Jaejoong knew Changmin would be able to worm more information out of him. After all, his usual secretive self had already been loosened up by alcohol and friendship.
“Do you still love him?”
Jaejoong was silent for a few seconds. He watched as some gag man did an exaggerated imitation of a youthful actress, but his mind could hardly register the comedic gag. His heart was pounding in his chest, and although he knew the answer, it was still hard to voice it aloud.
“In case you didn’t know, I’m a noble idiot.”
Changmin chuckled and took another sip of Jaejoong’s beer, “I figured. You look like you’re the type. So I take that your answer is a yes?”
Jaejoong kept his eyes glued to the television.
“Yeah.”
“So he’s the unforgettable kind of love then?” Changmin questioned, “I don’t know what kind of advice I can give you then. If he’s unforgettable then he’s just well…”
Jaejoong laughed and turned his head to look at Changmin. “Unforgettable?”
The younger man frowned, “Yeah…I guess. You should’ve given me more time to think of a better word. Everyone knows you’re not supposed to use -“
“Yeah, I know,” Jaejoong said softly. He shot Changmin a small, warm smile and reached out to take his beer back. He turned his eyes back to the television before he spoke again. “You know, a year ago, I thought it’d be easy to forget him. I was wrong, of course.”
The comedians on the television gathered to prepare for some sort of gag, but Jaejoong couldn’t even guess as to what they were planning to do. He could feel Changmin’s eyes on him, and the casual silence between them encouraged him to speak more. After all, after spending a year keeping things to himself, it would be better to let go of some things.
“It wasn’t…I wasn’t in the right place to be with him, so I left.” Jaejoong explained slowly, the words coming to him easily. “It was a dangerous mix of guilt and self-loathing, and it drove me away from him. I couldn’t even think of explaining things to him, so I took a coward’s way out and just left one night.”
“Did you ever try to see him again? Did you try to make sure he was okay -“
Jaejoong shook his head and brought the beer bottle to his lips, “I didn’t. It makes things hard for me. I’m left in this state now, wondering where we could be if I hadn’t run away and wondering how he is now.” He sipped the last of the beer and set the bottle down.
He leaned back and breathed in deeply. Jaejoong turned his head and smiled at Changmin, “If I could, I’d want to see him again - to apologize, to…tell him all the things I wasn’t able to tell him before.”
“You never know, you may see him again -“
Jaejoong shook his head and chuckled, “I don’t think so.” He looked away from Changmin and turned his eyes back to the television. The variety show was over and had been replaced by a late night soap opera. The characters on the screen embraced tightly, and the sight made Jaejoong’s lips form into a wry smile.
“It doesn’t hurt to hope,” Changmin said softly. “It could happen.”
Jaejoong sighed wistfully, and his heart clenched tightly in his chest. It hurt to hope. Although the guilt had washed away like the days, the longing had never truly faded. It remained in his heart, crashing against him every once in a while like waves upon the shore.
Yet despite the dull ache brought about by his feelings, he knew he was no longer in danger of crumbling down. He would stand strong, and he would stand resilient. Being the romantic that he was, he refused to forget everything he’d had with Yunho.
“Yeah, I guess it could happen,” Jaejoong agreed before he reached over to steal the remote so that he could change the channel.
Although it hurt to hope, he wouldn’t let go - not yet.
o-o-o
“I…I want to go to law school,” Yunho stuttered, “I don’t know yet where I’m going, but I’m hoping that I can get a scholarship or something -“
Jaejoong watched as Yunho rambled, and he couldn’t hold himself back any longer. Everything about Yunho was calling to him. His attraction to the younger man was unbearable. For just one moment, he wanted to be able to know what it was to be like with someone who loved him.
He knew now that Hyunsoo had never loved him all along.
Before he could hold himself back, he reached forward and cupped Yunho’s face. He pressed his lips against the other man’s, and his eyes fluttered shut. His heart was pounding so strongly in his chest that it scared him.
Was this love?
He didn’t want it to be, but as soon as he felt Yunho kiss him back and press him against the hard surface of the bus stop advertisement, he knew. It scared him, and he felt guilty for leading Yunho along, but just this once, he wanted to be selfish.
For these few minutes, he wanted to feel what love was like.
o-o-o
“You’re so selfish!” Jaejoong laughed and pushed Yoochun away. He took the last bottle of beer for himself and quickly began to drink it. He felt the other man pull at his arm, but he quickly shoved Yoochun away and tried to bolt away. Another pair of hands grabbed at him, and Jaejoong knew it was Changmin.
“How could you finish it?” Yoochun wailed, “You know I’ve wanted to drink that since this morning!”
“Jaejoong, you said you would cook tonight -“
Before he knew it, Jaejoong was cornered by two bodies. He nearly dropped the beer as soon as Yoochun squeezed him tightly, and he burst out laughing as Changmin snatched the beer away.
“Now come on Jaejoong! It’s time for you to cook!” Changmin yelled victoriously as he downed the beer,much to his boyfriend’s dismay.
Yoochun shook his head in amusement and buried his face into Jaejoong’s shoulder as he laughed. Jaejoong chuckled and began to move to the kitchen, Yoochun, still gripping onto him tightly like a child. Changmin threw a pillow at both of them, and Yoochun began shouting about how Changmin was a terrible boyfriend. The two bickered, and Yoochun’s arms still remained around Jaejoong’s body.
Life still wasn’t perfect, but he was happy. Changmin and Yoochun filled him with a certain kind of joy, but despite that, he still missed Yunho. However, he’d become accustomed to the feeling of longing that took up the void that Yunho had once filled. He chalked it up to being just another part of life.
After all, no one ever got everything they wanted. Although he would never have Yunho again, it didn’t mean that he couldn’t be happy what he did have with Changmin and Yoochun. Life went on, and he would look to the future with his memories of Yunho treasured deeply in his heart.
o-o-o
Jaejoong shut the door behind him and began to make his way down the hallway. He couldn’t care less about the man he left behind. What he cared about most was the money he could feel in his back pocket, and hardly anything else. However, despite its value, it was like a weight that pulled him down. It was a reminder of his desperation and corruption.
“Where’s the money?”
Jaejoong stopped walking and narrowed his eyes at Sejong. “What are you doing upstairs? Don’t you usually wait at the lobby?” he asked, his voice harder and stronger than he felt. To be honest, he’d always been afraid of the older man.
Sejong laughed and pushed off the wall. He walked up to Jaejoong and held out his hand expectantly, “Hand it over.” His voice was unfeeling, and Jaejoong silently handed the money from his pocket to the other man.
He watched silently as Sejong pocketed the money. As soon as it had disappeared into the depths of luxurious fabric, hidden entirely from his sight, he raised his eyes and met Sejong’s searching gaze.
“You know that the debt is almost paid, right?”
“I know,” Jaejoong said hollowly. His heart clenched tightly in his chest, and he fought his urge to look down. He refused to back down, “Will he be out of…will he be out of jail soon?”
Sejong tilted his head to the side, “Will you still care if Hyunsoo gets out? I know you’ve gotten a new fling -“
“He’s not a fling.”
“Tell that to someone who’ll believe in that bullshit,” Sejong said dully. He wet his lips and loosened his tie, “The first time we met, you told me that you would do anything for Hyunsoo - that you loved him more than anyone else in the world and that everything would be worth it in the end. Do you remember?”
Jaejoong’s throat constricted, so he merely nodded mutely.
“Do you still love him? Would you still do anything for him? If I asked you to go back into that room and prostitute yourself for him, would you do it?”
The silence was thick in the air, and Jaejoong couldn’t bring himself to say anything. His pride evaporated and he slowly looked down. Shame engulfed him, and silenced his previous defiance.
Hyunsoo was his boyfriend - he was supposed to tell Sejong that of course he would do anything, of course he would sacrifice himself, of course he would do it. Of course, of course, of course - his answer was supposed to come as naturally as breathing. Wasn’t that how love was supposed to work anyway? Wasn’t it supposed to be giving, kind and selfless?
His tongue felt like lead, and his brain refused to command his body to speak. The mere thought of Hyunsoo instantly brought him elsewhere…no, it led him to someone else.
He couldn’t get Yunho out of his mind anymore. What had started out as a casual flirtation had rapidly become something else. The young student had so carefully and so delicately made his way into Jaejoong’s heart, replacing whatever he’d once had with Hyunsoo with something different and completely indescribable.
Was it love?
He didn’t want it to be, but he knew it for what it was, and it was most definitely love.
“Do you know that Hyunsoo has a wife and child?”
Jaejoong’s eyes snapped up.
Sejong handed Jaejoong an envelope. Jaejoong took it from him with shaking hands, but Sejong didn’t comment on the fact that it seemed like Jaejoong looked like he was ready to crumble down in front of him.
“He’s been married for ten years. His wife is named Chaeyoung, and his daughter is named Hyemi. They don’t know he’s in jail for drug dealing. They think he’s just been framed for crimes he didn’t commit, and they don’t know that you’re the one who’s been supporting them this past year. They think the money is coming from his relatives.”
“…he…”
“Set you up,” Sejong said bluntly. He didn’t look like he sympathized with Jaejoong, and his face was still its usual expression. He was a man worn down by indifference and cruelty - why would he even care for Jaejoong? Why would he care that Jaejoong had spent the last year living in the shadows for a man that had never truly loved him?
No, he didn’t care. Just like so many millions of people in the world, Sejong didn’t care about Jaejoong.
“You can stop supporting them if you want, but we’ll turn to them for the money that he still owes -“
“No.”
Jaejoong’s voice wavered, but his resolve was firm. He raised his eyes slowly and returned Sejong’s gaze, “I’ll…I’ll pay everything off. I only have one more job left to do, right? Don’t ruin…don’t ruin what they have. I don’t…”
“Want them to become like you?” Sejong questioned.
Corrupted and ruined - that was what he meant, and they both knew it.
Jaejoong nodded, “Yes.”
They didn’t need to be like him. They were not at fault. He didn’t need to drag them down with him…and neither did Yunho. All of them deserved to remain in their imperfect yet beautiful worlds, free of the darkness that he’d been swept into.
He needed to leave.
o-o-o
“Jaejoong, you need to go downstairs and fetch some ice from the restaurant,” Yoochun insisted as he bumped Jaejoong with his hips. Jaejoong rolled his eyes and put down the martini glass he’d been wiping.
“Why can’t you do it?” Jaejoong asked irritably. He was well aware that a certain woman dressed in red and dripping with jewelry was entranced by Yoochun, but that didn’t mean Yoochun could order him around. After all, he’d been the one who’d started working at the bar first. If anything, it should’ve been him who got the right to order Yoochun around.
Yoochun shot Jaejoong a disinterested look, “She’s going to give me a great tip. I’m sure of it. I promise I’ll split with you -“
“You better give me at least a fourth of it,” Jaejoong grumbled as he wiped his hands on a rag. “I’d ask for more, but I know you’re saving up for some stupid ring for Changmin. Honestly, a ring?”
The younger man laughed, “You were the one who suggested it. Don’t you remember? You gave me a whole speech about eternal love and that sort of bullshit which I happen to now believe in.”
“I don’t believe in love,” Jaejoong mumbled half-heartedly. “Love’s overrated and stupid. Who needs it?”
“Yeah, okay, sure whatever.”
Jaejoong groaned, “Why don’t we have ice in the first place? Aren’t we always supposed to have ice? Why don’t you ask that rich lady friend of yours to just buy ice for us? I’m sure that ring on her index finger would be enough to buy the whole North Pole for us -“
Yoochun pushed Jaejoong and handed him a cooler, “Get moving. Go on.”
Jaejoong sighed and slipped out from behind the counter. He made his way past the rich and distinguished patrons of the bar, making sure not to make eye contact with any of them. It wasn’t that he felt lesser than them; he just didn’t like any of the attention. He knew that some of those men were more than willing to pay for a handsome person in their bed.
He didn’t want to be looked at in that kind of way ever again.
The trip to the closest restaurant was rather long - it was several floors down, and Jaejoong hated taking crowded elevators. He shut his eyes and sighed as a petulant young girl cried for ice cream for the entire duration of the ten floor ride, and her mother’s irritated demands for her to be quiet didn’t make anything better. As soon as he reached his floor, he pushed past the woman rudely without a single backward glance.
He walked past the well-dressed customers of the fancy establishment and made his way to the kitchen. None of the waiters said a thing as he pushed past them, and he quickly found the person he was looking for at the back of the kitchen.
“Junsu, I need ice.”
The chef looked away from the boiling pot of pasta, “You don’t have ice…again? Wasn’t Taeheon supposed to bring up some for you guys? You’re not supposed to be getting ice from us. If there’s a delivery -“
Jaejoong pouted, “Come on, please? I’ll sort it out with the delivery guys tomorrow. I promise. Just this one last time?”
Junsu frowned, “Fine. You know where to get it.”
Jaejoong grinned happily, “Thank you!” He bowed to Junsu and made his way to the freezer. He took several packs of ice and stuffed them into the cooler. After making sure everything was just as it had been previously, he made his way back to Junsu and thanked him.
With his ice in tow, Jaejoong carefully made his way past the busy kitchen staff. He’d once bumped into a person carrying an open can of caviar, and needless to say, his paycheck had taken quite a hit that month because of that incident. He slipped past the staff and pushed the door open and was greeted immediately by a cool air conditioned breeze.
His mind was focused on other things other things as he walked - his gift for Yoochun and Changmin’s anniversary, his need for new pillowcases and his phone’s repair. There were so many things he had in mind, and for once, it seemed like the future was bright for him. The past was becoming almost like a dim haze to him now, and he was eagerly leaving it behind for the chance to grasp at a better future.
He made his way to the elevator, and he was glad that there was only one other person inside. Jaejoong paid the other person no mind and punched the elevator button for himself, still completely caught up in his thoughts. He’d saved enough money for a gift
“You look like you’re deep in thought.”
Jaejoong turned his head and dropped his cooler as soon as he saw who it was. His thoughts scattered, and nothing came to mind. His throat dried, and his heart beat rapidly in his chest.
The man spoke again, his tone teasing but his voice shaking, his face revealing the tumultuous wave of emotions that he was feeling too.
“Hello sweetheart.”
Fin ♥
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Author’s Note: I hope this wasn’t too confusing a read and that the ending was enjoyable. :3 Anyway, I hope you all liked it! In case any of you were confused, the italicized texts are flashbacks…and, I hope you guys noticed all the lines & stuff that were also from the previous chapter. ^__^ They were all intentional, and yeah. I thought it was a good idea to show how Yunho was still, in some way, a part of Jaejoong’s life even though they were separated. Also, if you guys read the previous chapter, then I think you'd all probably have a good idea of who says hello to Jaejoong at the end. ;) Thank you for reading! ♥