혀의 거짓말, 마음의 진실 (Hyeo-ui gojitmal, maeum-ui jinshil) [2]
Title: 혀의 거짓말, 마음의 진실
Beta: muramatsu_aoi
Pairing: Yunho/Jaejoong
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Romance, Drama, Historical
Summary: He could lie to his allies, and he could lie to his enemies, but there was one thing he could not lie to - his heart.
art made by shigai
Glossary:
Gwanbok - the daily clothes of government officers when doing their duties
Durumagi - overcoat
Jeogori - blouse like top garment
Magoja - a garment worn over the jeogori, somewhat similar to a vest but may have sleeves
Gayageum - traditional Korean zither-like instrument
Gyobang - musical institutions where gisaengs were trained
Gisaeng - somewhat a Korean equivalent of a geisha but more closely related to courtesan, a highly educated performer and skilled entertainer as well.
Iganggo - soju with herbs, cinnamon, pear, ginger, and water added
---
Jaejoong was on edge around Yunho, wary that he would bring up three particular words again. He was sure that Yunho had uttered them thinking that he’d been asleep during the time, but he had no idea what to do if Yunho spoke the words again and expected him to reply. If the words came out forced, he was sure that Yunho would know, and there was no way that he would be able to muster a genuine response when he did not feel anything remotely close to the amount of affection Yunho had for him.
Yunho stopped brushing Jaejoong’s hair and kissed his shoulder, “Is something wrong? I can tell from the way that you are sitting that you are not at ease.”
“I…” Jaejoong faltered, and he glanced over his shoulder to look at Yunho, “I am fine.”
The older man chuckled and swept Jaejoong’s long curtain of hair over to his other side. He smiled kindly, “You always say that, yet I am certain that you are lying. Do you not trust me to take care of you?”
“It’s not that,” Jaejoong muttered, his eyes cast downwards, “I just…I do not think that I should bother you with what I am thinking.”
Yunho wrapped his arms around Jaejoong and settled his chin on the smaller man’s shoulder. He looked up at him and smiled, “You can trust me.”
Jaejoong felt his heart clench in his chest, and he forced a small smile, “Is that so?”
“Yes, it is so,” Yunho replied before he inched his face upwards to kiss Jaejoong’s lips softly. It was a short, sweet and delicate kiss, and he promptly pulled away to set his head back onto Jaejoong’s shoulder, “I have something to ask of you.”
“What is it?”
“How would you feel about accompanying me on a trip?” Yunho questioned, “I remembered that you mentioned before that you are from a fishing village farther down south. I am heading south, and I think you might enjoy seeing the ocean again.”
“I don’t think that’s necessary,” Jaejoong said softly, “I would just be a burden to you.”
Yunho chuckled, “Nonsense. You know I enjoy your company. When was the last time you saw the ocean? I’ve heard that people who live by the ocean miss it constantly when they are away from it because it is a part of their soul.”
“I was only a child when I left,” Jaejoong answered, “I do not remember much of my life before I came here. I do remember my mother taking me to a cliff to watch the sun rise over the ocean…but that was such a long time ago.”
Silence fell between them, and Jaejoong grew uneasy. He wasn’t supposed to reveal so much of himself to Yunho, but he found the other man’s honesty unnerving and couldn’t help but respond to him with equal honesty. He wanted the conversation to turn away from him, so he quickly deflected the conversation back to Yunho.
“Why are you going south?”
Yunho sighed and settled against Jaejoong’s shoulder, “Apparently I am to discuss the matter of finding more reinforcements for the king’s security. I am to talk with several men concerning recruitment of men into the palace guard and army.”
Jaejoong mentally took note of the information and nodded, “I see, well -“
Yunho opened his eyes, and he looked at Jaejoong with such hopeful and loving expectation that Jaejoong could barely breathe, “So, will you accompany me? I promise to take care of you while we are there.”
His mind told him to say no, that Jinwoo would not approve of him going so far, but his mouth refused to move to say no. It would be dangerous for him to be so far away from reinforcements, but he couldn’t bring himself to reject Yunho’s offer.
It would not be wrong for him to say yes, would it? After all, his mission was to make sure that Yunho loved and trusted him - if he said no, then it would make Yunho feel doubtful of his affections and feel hurt, and he did not want Yunho to feel that way.
So, he did what his heart told him to do.
He said yes.
o-o-o
“Are you bored?”
Jaejoong looked up and smiled at Yunho, “No, not at all.”
He’d spent the entire day at Yunho’s side, listening to the other man discuss border patrols with several important men as well as recruitment procedures, and all the information he’d heard was essential to the goals of their group.
Yunho frowned at him doubtfully, obviously not convinced of his answer, “If you would like, you may retire to your room for a bath, or…” he studied Jaejoong’s face and tilted his head, “You look rather flushed. Are you alright?”
Jaejoong pressed his hand against his forehead, and he frowned slightly when he felt the unusual warmness of it. He looked at Yunho and nodded, “I am fine,” he answered easily, “It is just warm…”
“Would you like to go outside with me then?” Yunho asked in concern, “There is a nicer breeze outside, and it is still awhile until my next engagement.”
“Well -“
Yunho stood up and held out his hand for Jaejoong to take, “I will not be taking no for an answer. The flowers are blooming, and you have yet to fully appreciate the beautiful sights that may be found in the gardens. I did not take you here just so you may be bored to death by matters you have no interest in.”
Jaejoong reluctantly took hold of Yunho’s hand, but as soon as he was up on his feet, he let go and stood a small distance away from the latter. Yunho glanced at him, but he looked away, and they left the room in silence.
He always felt guarded whenever he was alone with Yunho, worried that perhaps Yunho would see something that he did not want him to see. They strolled through the gardens in silence aside from the occasional chirping of a bird, and Jaejoong kept to himself as he admired the beauty before him.
Everything was so well kept and cared for, and the vibrant colors of the flowers made the whole sight even more beautiful than it already was. The whole garden had been carefully planned and arranged, and Jaejoong felt himself let out an awed sigh.
“I know this is not the ocean but…” Yunho smiled apologetically at Jaejoong, “I tried to find some secret way for us to leave here in order to visit the village you were raised in, but I was not able to find a way and for that, I am sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry about,” Jaejoong replied honestly as he approached a nearby cherry blossom tree to admire its flowers, “Everything here has its own charms and radiance that I can admire. It is an amazing spectacle to see.”
“It is beautiful, don’t you think?” Yunho questioned, leaning down to whisper into Jaejoong’s ear.
The other man looked up, and his heart leapt in his cheat when he realized how close their faces were. His answer slipped off his tongue, and he stared up at Yunho blankly.
Yunho smiled and tucked back a long strand of Jaejoong’s hair gently, “Of course, I cannot help but feel biased towards you. Your beauty is certainly on a different level to that of any other man or woman,” he murmured softly.
“Don’t say that,” Jaejoong whispered back, “I…” He felt his stomach churn, and he bit his lip before saying anything. He felt slightly dizzy, and he reached out to take hold of Yunho’s arm for support.
A flash of worry crossed Yunho’s face immediately, “Are you -“
“I will be fine,” Jaejoong said as he forced a smile. His heart was still pounding in his chest, and he could hardly hear himself as he spoke, “You have a meeting to attend. It would not be good if you missed it. I will just return to my room.”
Before Yunho could protest, a guard showed up, “I am sorry to interrupt, but -“
“I know,” Yunho muttered dismissively, “I will be there in a few minutes.” He waved the man away and reached out for Jaejoong, but Jaejoong turned around before Yunho could reach forth and touch him.
As Jaejoong walked away from Yunho, he felt the churning in his stomach settle and his heartbeat began to slow down, but it still did not soothe the uneasiness he felt deep inside.
o-o-o
Jaejoong woke up to the feeling of a compress being pressed against his forehead, and when his eyes fluttered open, he was surprised to see Yunho tending to him. Yunho frowned down at him and brushed hair off Jaejoong’s forehead idly.
“I told you that you were sick,” Yunho murmured, “Why do you never listen to me?”
“You are not a doctor,” Jaejoong whispered back tiredly, his throat slightly sore. His lips quirked into a smile, and Yunho sighed.
The older man’s frown deepened, and he set the compress down on Jaejoong’s forehead, “I may not be a doctor, but I can tell when someone is sick,” he insisted, “I brought you food and tea, and your fever seems to be broken, so you should be well by tomorrow.”
Jaejoong watched as Yunho moved the tray closer to him, “You did not have to do this for me,” he spoke as Yunho began to stir the soup, “I did not ask for your help.”
“I do it because…” Yunho’s voice dropped off, and Jaejoong felt his heart pound against his chest as he waited for Yunho to continue. He watched Yunho anxiously, and Yunho soon turned his head to look at him, “I do it because I care for you...surely you know that?”
“I…I do know,” Jaejoong murmured hesitantly.
Yunho helped him sit up, and he fed Jaejoong the soup silently. Jaejoong ate the soup quietly, avoiding looking at Yunho’s eyes the entire time, and as soon as Yunho was done feeding him, he lied back down and turned away from Yunho. His heart thudded in his chest, and he didn’t know what to say or do.
No one had every cared for him in the same way that Yunho was doing. It was all strange and foreign, and the feelings he had were overwhelming and immense.
The compress was lifted off his forehead, and Jaejoong tensed when he felt Yunho press a hand against his forehead before moving over to his neck, “Have I done something wrong to you?” Yunho questioned, “I have this feeling that you are upset with me.”
“No, I am not upset,” Jaejoong said softly as he reached out to gently hold Yunho’s hand and take it in his, “You have been nothing sort of…perfection, in my eyes,” he added softly, the words adding a weight to his chest.
Yunho’s gaze softened, “I…”
They stared at each other in silence, and Jaejoong felt like it was getting more difficult for him to breathe the longer Yunho watched him. His stomach churned and just as he was about to avert his eyes and bring up another subject, Yunho uttered the same three words that Jaejoong wished he would never say aloud.
“I love you.”
Jaejoong stiffened, and his tongue felt heavy in his mouth. Yunho watched him with expectant and hopeful hazel eyes, but he could say nothing in return. His heart pounded in his chest, and his mind went blank.
Before Jaejoong could try to avert the subject, Yunho did it first. He shook his head and smiled sadly at his lover and turned away, “It is no matter,” he said softly as he slowly stood up, “I will get you another compress.”
“Yunho -“
The man turned to look at him, and when Jaejoong could say nothing, he turned back around and quietly walked out of the room.
After Jaejoong had contemplated what had just happened and what he was feeling, he decided that Yunho’s submissive acceptance of his silence hurt more than he thought it would, but what he didn’t understand was why he felt like crying when he hadn’t been the one to be rejected.
o-o-o
When Jaejoong woke up, the room was empty. The bowl of soup had been kept away, the pot and cups of tea were gone, and everything was tidier than it had been before Yunho had even come in. Jaejoong frowned at the sight of it all, and he quickly got out of bed.
The sun was barely at the horizon, so he made his way through the corridors silently, doing his best to not alert anyone that he was awake. He’d seen Yunho’s room because the latter had showed him around the previous day, and when he slid the door open, his heart clenched tightly in his chest.
Yunho was slumped over a table, papers askew on its surface, and it was obvious that he’d spent most of the night looking through them. Jaejoong shut the door quietly and his feet barely made a sound as he walked over to Yunho. He knelt down, and he felt guilt rise to his throat.
It’d been because of him that Yunho had been unable to finish his work. He had heard Yunho come into his room several times in the night to check up on him, and Jaejoong felt his heart clench even tighter when he noticed the tiredness that was evident on Yunho’s face.
“I’m sorry,” Jaejoong whispered before he gently reached out to touch Yunho’s face. He tucked back a strand of the other man’s hair, and Yunho’s eyes opened slowly.
Jaejoong smiled at Yunho, and Yunho blinked at him drowsily.
“Good morning,” he murmured as Yunho straightened up. They stared at each other in silence, and it was obvious that Yunho was slightly confused. Jaejoong felt himself brimming with emotion, and he didn’t know what to do. His heart pounded in his chest, and his thoughts were running wild.
Yunho had opened up to him so much, if he were to just open himself up for but a few stolen moments, would he remain the same?
Before he could second guess himself or change his mind, Jaejoong cupped Yunho’s face and kissed him. It was the first time he’d ever initiated a kiss, and Jaejoong felt his cheeks redden as Yunho began to kiss him back.
He opened his mouth, and as Yunho slipped his tongue into his mouth, he pinned Jaejoong against the floor. Jaejoong’s heart beat quickly in his chest as he gripped the fabric of Yunho’s clothing desperately, his body responding to Yunho’s touches with more fervor than usual.
“You are sick,” Yunho said breathlessly, pausing his actions and frowning down at Jaejoong.
Jaejoong looked up at him with hooded eyes and reached out to cup Yunho’s face, “I am not feverish,” he whispered before he took hold of one of Yunho’s hands and placed it onto his forehead. He held Yunho’s gaze and slowly trailed Yunho’s hand down his exposed skin, Yunho’s fingers ghosting against the plane of his abdomen as he moved it southward.
Yunho’s hand rested over his clothed erection, and Jaejoong let out an airy gasp.
“You…” Yunho licked his lips, “Are you sure?”
Jaejoong nodded slowly and ran his hands through Yunho’s hair, “I have never been more sure of…” his heart thudded painfully in his chest, and he smiled at Yunho, “I want this,” he whispered.
He inched his lips upward to kiss Yunho before he pushed off the remaining article of Yunho’s upper clothing and hooked his arms around Yunho’s neck. Jaejoong breathed heavily as Yunho began to stroke his cock, and he responded actively by bucking against the other man’s hand.
He tried to stifle his moans, but he could not help himself as soon as Yunho began to speed up his stroking. Jaejoong buried his forehead into Yunho’s shoulder and grasped at the other man tightly, pleading softly for Yunho to give him his release.
“You’re so beautiful,” Yunho whispered as soon as Jaejoong came. He stroked back the sweat damp hair that was pressed against Jaejoong’s forehead and smiled at him before he pulled down the rest of Jaejoong’s clothing and began to remove rest of his.
Jaejoong recovered slowly and sat up, his cheeks flushed and his body still aroused for more. He licked his lips as he watched Yunho undress, and when Yunho turned to look at him, he could feel the stirrings of his arousal strengthen.
He watched as Yunho walked across the room to retrieve the vial of perfumed oil that they used, and when Yunho set it down onto the table, Jaejoong reached out and pulled for Yunho to get back down onto the floor with him.
“Let me take care of you,” Jaejoong murmured as he clambered over Yunho and began to slowly and teasingly rub his lower body against Yunho’s erection. Yunho groaned against him, and Jaejoong smiled charmingly before he moved down.
Without much preamble, he took the tip of Yunho’s cock into his mouth and began to suck. As usual, the taste was foreign and not very enjoyable, but Jaejoong swallowed it down anyway for Yunho’s benefit. He felt Yunho’s hands make their way to his hair, and as he took more into his mouth, he carefully pinned Yunho’s waist down in order to prevent the latter from bucking into his mouth.
This moment they were sharing was not about him nor was it about Yunho, but it was about them. For just a few moments, Jaejoong wanted to feel what it would be like to truly be with someone not because he had to but because he wanted to.
“Stop,” Yunho groaned as he pulled at Jaejoong’s hair. He glanced down at Jaejoong, and Jaejoong pulled away, a trace of cum lingering at his lips. Yunho beckoned Jaejoong over and licked it off with his tongue before pinning Jaejoong onto the floor.
He panted over Jaejoong for a few seconds to regain his composure, and Jaejoong kissed him reassuringly as he waited for Yunho to prepare him. Yunho slicked his fingers with the oil and slowly inserted one into Jaejoong’s tight opening.
Jaejoong squirmed underneath Yunho and tried to keep his voice low as Yunho began to stretch him open. Although he knew that most of the higher ranked officials knew of his relationship with Yunho, he did not want anyone invading the privacy of their moment. Yunho placed his lips upon Jaejoong’s neck, and Jaejoong couldn’t help but arch his back and moan unrestrainedly as soon as Yunho began to suck at his skin in a sensual manner. His nails dug into the tanned skin of Yunho’s back, and he whimpered softly when Yunho had finished stretching him open.
Yunho drew away from Jaejoong, and Jaejoong could feel the other man’s eyes rake over his body in a loving yet lustful manner. His long dark hair was fanned out onto the floor, and Jaejoong was sure that his cheeks were flushed and his lips were swollen from Yunho’s bruising kisses.
“Is something wrong?” Jaejoong whispered after a minute or so had passed, his passion abating slightly due to his sudden worry.
Yunho shook his head and smiled, “No, nothing is wrong,” he murmured as his fingers trailed over Jaejoong’s naked body delicately, “I just…”
Jaejoong reached out, and he cupped Yunho’s cheek gently, “You can tell me,” he urged softly, the words tumbling out of his mouth before he could rethink them or restrain them.
“Nothing is wrong,” Yunho murmured before he stole Jaejoong’s breath with a searching, desperate and needy kiss that had Jaejoong panting as soon as Yunho had parted from him. He was unable to catch much of his breath because as soon as Yunho thrust sharply into him, he lost any sort of focus.
He clung onto Yunho tightly, and Jaejoong’s breaths came out in short bursts each time Yunho slammed into him roughly. His legs wrapped around Yunho’s waist, and each one of his moans served as encouragement for Yunho to go faster.
When Jaejoong managed to keep his attention on Yunho, his heart swelled with emotion. He held onto Yunho tighter and wished desperately that his feelings would go away. He wished it was just the sex, but deep down, he knew that what they were doing was so much more different than anything they’d ever done before.
It was not much longer until Jaejoong came, and after a few more thrusts that had Jaejoong mewling from over stimulation, Yunho climaxed and rested over Jaejoong for a few more seconds before pulling out and resting beside the other man. Their soft panting filled the room, and Jaejoong quickly moved over to bury his face into Yunho’s chest and cling to the other man longingly.
He couldn’t let go of the moment they had shared. He’d allowed his feelings to break free, and there was no way he could restrain them any longer. Yunho whispered sweet, soothing words into his ear and ran his hands through Jaejoong’s hair kindly.
Jaejoong shut his eyes tightly and prayed that sleep would take him before Yunho said anything that would make guilt rush into him. All he wanted was for their moment to last for a bit longer, for him to pretend that their relationship hadn’t started out due to political manipulations.
He wanted to keep pretending that everything was real.
“I love you,” Yunho whispered softly, and Jaejoong could feel the other man anticipating his answer.
Their perfect moment was shattered by those three words, and Jaejoong felt like crying. He wished he could say the same three words to Yunho, but his heart refused to let him. What Yunho loved was just an illusion of a man - he didn’t know the full truth.
So instead of saying what he truly felt, Jaejoong watched wordlessly as Yunho slipped out of his arms, got dressed, and exited the room without another word.
o-o-o
The documents were spread out before him, but Jaejoong could not bring himself to touch them. Yunho had left them scattered on the table and had left in a hurry to go to another meeting, leaving Jaejoong alone with them.
He glanced at them - knowing that information about the king’s military supplies, recruitment processes and security details would all be there. His heart pounded in his chest, and Jaejoong reached out his hand to place it on top of the documents.
It was possibly all the information he’d ever wanted and more, yet he could not bring himself to read them. For almost all of his life, he’d wanted to be part of the movement that sought to dispose of their self-serving and arrogant king, but because of one man, he was beginning to question his motives.
The moment they returned back to the capital, he would be forced to reveal everything he knew to Jinwoo. He could not hide anything from the other man - Jinwoo was an eerily observant person, and Jaejoong knew he couldn’t risk his life by trying to hide anything from Jinwoo.
He’d lived a plain and meaningless existence in the countryside before meeting Jinwoo, who’d enraptured him with the promises of a bold rebellion that would bring permanent and much needed change to their society. His young and naïve mind was ensnared, and it was not long after their first meeting before he joined Jinwoo and his force. With the passage of time, Jaejoong began to wonder if he still fully believed in the ideals he’d so easily embraced in his younger years.
What did he have left to cling to if he no longer valued the thought of heralding a revolution? If he did not feel that he had a place with Jinwoo and the rebels anymore, where did he belong?
Although Jaejoong knew that Yunho would be willing to give him a place to call home, he could not give himself to Yunho knowing that the other man had fallen in love with an illusion. He could not bring himself to further abuse the love and kindness that Yunho had so unselfishly bestowed upon him.
Jaejoong’s heart clenched tightly in his chest, and he balled his hand into a fist. Things were still tense between him and Yunho due to his silence, and it was obvious that Yunho had not forgiven him entirely although he’d been welcomed back into Yunho’s bed. He knew that Yunho was hoping to break him into saying those three particular words, but he would not allow himself to break.
There was no way he could allow himself to listen to his heart, not when there was so much at stake for him. He could not indulge himself in the selfish desires of his heart. He had a mission at hand, and there was too much riding on him.
He forced back his guilt and reached out to read through the documents. Jaejoong flipped through them and skimmed the pages, putting aside useless ones and memorizing important details. The information was all processed at a quick rate, and Jaejoong used the information as a distraction from thinking about Yunho.
In fact, he’d become so distracted that he hadn’t heard the sound of the door sliding open and Yunho stepping into the room.
“What are you doing?” Jaejoong froze and looked up at Yunho. He could see the confusion on Yunho’s face, and his heart pounded rapidly in his chest. If he did not play his cards right, he risked being exposed and possibly be beheaded.
He came up with lie and answered softly, trying to keep his nervousness in check.
“I was waiting for you, and looking through the papers was the only way that I could amuse myself while I waited for your return,” Jaejoong lied, “I did not know that they were classified information. I do apologize. I promise to keep what I have read to myself, and I will not share it with anyone.”
Yunho was silent for a few seconds, and Jaejoong watched as the former processed his answer slowly.
“I see,” Yunho said quietly in a tone that had Jaejoong wondering if the other man had truly been convinced by his answer. He watched as Yunho knelt down and gathered the papers, and when he reached out in an attempt to help, Yunho moved his hands away from Jaejoong’s. He set them aside, and when he turned to Jaejoong, he spoke, “Have you heard of the small rebellions that have been taking place within the capital?”
Jaejoong was silent for a few seconds, unsure of where Yunho was taking his question before he replied, “Yes, I have.”
“It seems that we must return tomorrow morning,” Yunho spoke before he sat down tiredly onto the floor and watched Jaejoong, “There are rumors that a major strike is being planned against the king, and I must return to protect him and to improve his security.”
“Oh, I see -“
“Things have risen to a level of tension, and I worry that the palace is not as safe as it one was…if ever you feel unsafe, I wish for you to tell me. Do not keep your fears hidden away from me. I will do my best to help you and to protect you,” Yunho interrupted, his voice soft. His gaze softened as he stared at Jaejoong from afar, “If…if there is something that you are afraid of, do not be afraid to trust me.”
Jaejoong nodded slowly, “I understand.”
Yunho sighed and lied down onto his bed, making no move to ask Jaejoong to join him. There was a weariness that radiated off him, and Jaejoong was unsure of what to do. He remained rooted the spot, and he waited for Yunho to say something.
“May I request for you to play something for me?”
Jaejoong tensed, and his gaze flickered over to the gayageum that was tucked away in a distant corner of the room. He hesitated, and when he turned to look at Yunho, the other man was watching him.
“I am tired,” Jaejoong said softly, “I worry that my fever will return. As much as I would like to play for you, I do not wish to be sick during our travel back to the capital. Perhaps on another night, I will -“
“You may leave then,” Yunho said curtly before he turned around and showed Jaejoong his back. “I am sure you are most tired, and I do not wish to tire you any further.”
Jaejoong knew that he was dismissed, and he quickly got up. As soon as he was out of the room and safely within the confines of his own room, he let his face fall into his hands as he battled with the raging emotions trapped within him
o-o-o
As soon as he returned back to the capital, he was called into a meeting with Jinwoo. Only the two of them were in the room, and from the moment Jaejoong stepped inside, Jinwoo demanded him to reveal everything that he’d learned from the time he’d spent with Yunho.
Jaejoong told Jinwoo what he knew, and the moment a victorious smirk formed on the latter’s face, Jaejoong felt his heart tighten in his chest.
“This is good for our plans,” Jinwoo said light heartedly after he had consumed several successive glasses of soju, “Your seduction of the head palace guard is extraordinarily beneficial has proven to be very for us. This means we can soon move ahead with our plan of overthrowing the king.”
Jaejoong clenched his own cup of soju tightly and looked up at Jinwoo, “What sort of method will we use? I suggest that word of mouth -“
“Word of mouth?” Jinwoo laughed heartily and slapped his desk onto the table, his voice filled with genuine amusement, “It seems like your time around the gisaengs have made you soft. We will overthrow the king through action -“
“But what of the safety of -“
A surprised look crossed Jinwoo’s face before he frowned, “Safety? Each day the king rests longer upon his undeserved throne and further brings everyone into a world that is devoid of the true leadership that is needed by the people. I don’t care for those palace guards or for those that try to hinder our cause. May they be cast out of our minds and left to whatever sort of pain awaits them - they seek a weak king, and just like him, they will fall.”
The next few minutes passed wordlessly, and just as Jaejoong was about to excuse himself so that he could leave the room, Jinwoo spoke.
“I need you to retrieve a map for me,” he urged, “It contains official documentation for the palace grounds, and we need it desperately for our route on the day of our departure/attack/. It can be found in the library -“
“Yunho does not let me -“
Jinwoo placed his cup down against the table roughly, and he met Jaejoong’s eyes coldly, “You are not his Jaejoong. Do not forget that you are with him for one reason and that reason alone. Do not be a fool. Either you carry this mission out, or I will have you withdrawn permanently from the palace. So, shall you be able to get me the map?”
Jaejoong lifted his eyes off the table, and his heart clenched painfully in his chest as he replied to Jinwoo.
“I will do it.”
o-o-o
““There was a man imprisoned today,” Yunho murmured when they were in bed together, and Jaejoong glanced at him in the darkness, “He was trying to incite people to join and form a rebellion against the king.”
Jaejoong’s breath caught in his throat, and he said nothing.
Yunho turned his head and met Jaejoong’s eyes in the dark, “What do you think of that?”
“Of what?” Jaejoong asked as he reached out to trace absentminded spirals onto Yunho’s naked chest, “Are you asking what I think of rebellion?”
“Do you think our king deserves it?”
Jaejoong was silent for a few seconds, and he kept his eyes away from Yunho’s when he answered, “I think that men who do wrong things are deserving of any punishment that comes their way.”
“I see…but the king is young - do you not think that it is acceptable for him to be human and make mistakes?”
“There are only so many mistakes that one can make,” Jaejoong whispered softly, his words hitting more closely to himself than to the king.
“I suppose so,” Yunho said quietly, “Are you loyal to him?”
Jaejoong raised up his eyes and stared at Yunho, “Are you?”
“I am as loyal as any man is to his employer,” Yunho answered softly, “I have no place telling him how to run this kingdom. I do my job to protect him, and I do not think that it is my concern to tell him how he should do his duties as king. I am loyal to…”
“To whom?”
Yunho’s look was serious when he replied, “I am loyal to you above all else.”
“I am not worthy,” Jaejoong whispered softly, “Don’t say that.”
He could feel Yunho studying him, and he didn’t know what he could say. There was no way he could earn genuine trust when he was living a lie, and he did not want to bury himself deeper into his pit of lies.
“Why not?”
Before Jaejoong could hold himself back, he replied, “I am not as good as a man as you think I am. Save loyalty for those who are most deserving,” he finished quietly before he turned around and tried to sleep.
He could not keep holding onto his lies when his heart was practically begging for him to reveal the truth. Before Yunho discovered his betrayal, he would need to complete his mission and leave him first.
He did not think he could survive the heartbreak that would come if ever Yunho discovered the truth.
o-o-o
Time was running out.
Jaejoong didn’t know what he was doing anymore. He had only a few more days left to get the map, and his mind was distracted. He could hardly look Yunho in the eye anymore, and guilt racked his body whenever the other man kissed him.
It was difficult for him to place back the barrier that he’d thrown aside almost a week before, and he could see Yunho watching him and observing him carefully the past few days. He tried to put up a front, but even he knew that it wasn’t working. He was much too distracted, and he wasn’t the same person as he used to be. Something was telling him that Yunho was becoming suspicious of him, and he didn’t know what he could do to dissuade Yunho and his suspicions.
Jaejoong took a deep breath and made his decision - he would have to get the map and leave before Yunho became any more suspicious of him. He did not trust himself to be able to maintain his lie for much longer, and time was running out for him.
He would have to make his move.
Jaejoong slipped out of bed carefully, making sure not to wake Yunho. He dressed quickly and carefully before he slid the door open silently and began to make his way out of Yunho’s compound. He slipped past the guards noiselessly, and Jaejoong carefully made his way to where the map would be located.
It took only a few minutes, but he managed to make his way inside the library. The room was hardly lit, so he navigated through the dark passages, trying to find the map that Jinwoo had told him of. He looked through documents in an attempt to find it, but in his haste to discover it, he accidentally knocked down a stack of books.
The books clattered onto the floor noisily, and Jaejoong hastened his movements, trying to find the map before anyone could find him. He knew that he would not have another chance to return, so he boldly continued with his search until he found it and tucked it into his jeogori.
He turned around to exit, but the library’s doors slid open and two guards slipped in. Jaejoong quickly whirled around and pressed himself flat against a bookshelf. He’d left everything in a state of disarray due to his haste, and his heart was rapidly beating in his chest.
“Who is here?” one of the guards questioned, “Show yourself.”
Jaejoong remained deathly silent as he picked up a book off the floor. He glanced over his shoulder to where the guards were, and he picked up another book before he threw them loudly across the library to have them slam against a distant wall. The guards automatically ran in the direction of the noise, and Jaejoong was extremely glad and thanked his sheer luck before he bolted for the door. He diverged from any of the main paths and slipped out into the gardens, running for his life. He would have to return back to Yunho’s compound before Yunho was alerted of the entry, and he could not risk having Yunho catch him.
Jaejoong slipped past the guards, his lungs burning from his far sprint away from the library, but he noticed worriedly that so many guards began flocking around. Yunho’s improvements on palace security were obviously well made ones, and Jaejoong watched anxiously in the dark as his escape paths began to get blocked off.
He tried to find a different path to get to Yunho’s compound, but as soon as he stepped out of his hiding spot, a guard spotted him.
“What are you doing outside?”
Jaejoong froze, and just as he was about to reply, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around, and he stared at Yunho in shock. Yunho’s expression was dark, and Jaejoong felt a chill run down his spine.
His heart clenched painfully in his chest as Yunho studied him, and Jaejoong felt himself weaken underneath the intensity of Yunho’s gaze. He had made a grave mistake, and he was sure that Yunho would not let this one go unnoticed.
He had no more lies left to conceal the truth from the man he loved.
“I asked him to retrieve something for me,” Yunho answered slowly, “I have heard of the disturbance in the library. Did you catch the intruder?”
“Unfortunately, we have not found him,” the guard replied, “We are unsure of what was taken, but the scholars have been woken up in order to check what is missing from the library.”
“I see…” Yunho sighed, “If you find him, tell me immediately. I will be returning to my quarters now.” His grip on Jaejoong’s shoulder tightened, “Let’s go.”
Jaejoong felt his heart drop, and he wordlessly let Yunho lead him away.
o-o-o
Yunho said nothing the entire trip back, and as soon as they were inside his room, he sat down and said nothing. Jaejoong stood awkwardly by the door, and he waited for Yunho to say something. The other man’s face was cold, and Jaejoong just wished desperately for Yunho to say something to him.
Minutes passed, but Yunho said nothing. He remained unmoving, his eyes turned away from Jaejoong, and the latter couldn’t help but feel his desperation grow by the second.
He took a step forward and spoke, his voice shaking, “Yunho…please, say something.”
Yunho remained indifferent, and Jaejoong could feel the sharp pain of his heart twisting in his chest. He moved closer to Yunho and knelt down near him while still keeping a distance away from the other man.
“Please talk to me,” Jaejoong pleaded, “Let me -“
The other man’s eyes turned to him, and he stared at Jaejoong with a look filled with sadness and bitterness, “Play for me.”
“What -“
Yunho gestured to the gayageum that he had in his room, and when he spoke again, his voice was tight and constrained, “You have never played for me in all the time that we’ve been together. Just this one night, show me…show me that you can…”
His voice broke off, and Yunho breathed in sharply. He shook his head and when he looked up at Jaejoong again, his eyes looked at Jaejoong pleadingly, begging him to prove that he had not fallen in love with what was an illusion of someone else.
He said nothing to protest the demand. His heart clenched tightly in his chest and when he sat down in front of it, he stared wordlessly at the instrument he did not know how to play.
Yunho’s eyes pierced into him, and when Jaejoong did not move to play it, the tension in the room increased tenfold. He raised his eyes to look up at Yunho, and Jaejoong felt his heart constrict tightly.
“If you love me, you’ll play it for me - just…just this one night,” Yunho whispered softly, and Jaejoong watched painfully as Yunho tried to gather his composure. The betrayal and hurt was extremely obvious on Yunho’s handsome features, and when he looked up at Jaejoong, his eyes were filled with such pain. “Please, play for me.”
Jaejoong looked at Yunho helplessly, “I…” he trailed off, and he lowered his gaze to the floor. There was no more point in playing his little charade any longer, and they both knew that.
“So it was all a lie?”
Yunho’s answer was silence, and Jaejoong felt like he was on the verge of crying. His heart was twisting painfully in his chest, and he wanted so much to comfort Yunho, but he couldn’t. Their relationship was built on lies, and as much as he had grown to love Yunho, nothing would change that he had been using him in the beginning.
The unbearable tension filled the room, and Jaejoong couldn’t bring himself to say anything in his defense. There would be no way for him to ever make up to Yunho the pain of his betrayal, and knowing the righteous man that Yunho was, he was sure that Yunho would never even consider forgiving him.
“Are you happy?” Yunho questioned, his voice filled with pain, “Did you get what you wanted from me? Was it worth it?” he demanded, “Whatever it is that you stole, give it to me now!”
Jaejoong silently stood up and presented Yunho the paper silently. He placed it down onto the table in front of Yunho and moved away. He knelt down once more and kept his head down, avoiding Yunho’s gaze completely.
“I’m sorry to say that you will not be using me any longer,” Yunho whispered as he stood up from where he was seated, “I cannot allow myself to be your fool any longer. I will not allow myself to.”
He turned away and exited the room, leaving Jaejoong alone. Despite the opportunity that would allow him a chance to escape, Jaejoong stayed. His guilt and pain kept him rooted to the spot, and he waited for Yunho’s judgment.
The doors slid open, and Yunho stepped into the room alone.
“Stand up,” he ordered, and Jaejoong complied wordlessly. He walked over to Yunho, and when they were standing face to face, he dared to lift his eyes to look up at the other man.
Yunho stared back at him and spoke, “You have betrayed me, yet…when I look at you,” his voice cracked slightly, and he shook his head sadly, “My heart refuses to stop loving you, and try as I might to try to hate you, I cannot.”
“Yunho -“
“If there is one thing I have to thank you for, it would be that you never told me that you loved me,” Yunho whispered, his voice filled with pain, “The agony I feel is my fault as well, for I was a big enough fool to believe and fall in love with your lies. Out of memory of my love for you, I will allow you this chance to leave. If you return, I will not let my love blind my moral code once again, and I will have you arrested.”
Jaejoong’s eyes watered and he acknowledged Yunho’s words with a dip of his head.
“I loved you…I loved you in a way that I have not loved anyone else. I treated you as best I could, and I was kind,” Yunho’s voice broke off, and he shook his head sadly, “You said that men who do wrong things are deserving of any punishment that comes their way…” Yunho said softly, his words hardly above a whisper.
Jaejoong lifted his eyes, and he felt his heart shatter when he saw Yunho’s face. The other man looked completely broken, and he smiled bitterly at Jaejoong before he spoke, “Tell me Jaejoong, what wrongs have I committed in order to deserve such cruel punishment?”
Before Jaejoong could say a word, Yunho turned away and slid the door open. He looked at the guards that stood before him and gestured to Jaejoong, “Escort him back to his home and see that he is returned safely.”
Jaejoong took two steps forward, and when he turned to look at Yunho, the latter turned his back and walked away from him. His gut twisted in guilt, and he allowed himself to be led away without another word.
If he’d been caught, bruised, beaten, jailed and eventually beheaded - it would not be crueler and more painful than the punishment of knowing that he was the one to have inflicted such pain upon the man that he loved more than anyone else in the entire world.
< >
Author’s Note: Once again, thank you so much to Sara for allowing me to post her art! I do not want the art being spread around, and please, do not tamper with it in any way. By the way, I really advise that you guys look up the song I listened to while writing this! You can find it here! It really helped set up the mood for me, so yeah. You guys might want to read this story while listening to this. ^__^ Once again, thank you for reading & commenting! ♥
Beta: muramatsu_aoi
Pairing: Yunho/Jaejoong
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Romance, Drama, Historical
Summary: He could lie to his allies, and he could lie to his enemies, but there was one thing he could not lie to - his heart.
art made by shigai
Glossary:
Gwanbok - the daily clothes of government officers when doing their duties
Durumagi - overcoat
Jeogori - blouse like top garment
Magoja - a garment worn over the jeogori, somewhat similar to a vest but may have sleeves
Gayageum - traditional Korean zither-like instrument
Gyobang - musical institutions where gisaengs were trained
Gisaeng - somewhat a Korean equivalent of a geisha but more closely related to courtesan, a highly educated performer and skilled entertainer as well.
Iganggo - soju with herbs, cinnamon, pear, ginger, and water added
---
Jaejoong was on edge around Yunho, wary that he would bring up three particular words again. He was sure that Yunho had uttered them thinking that he’d been asleep during the time, but he had no idea what to do if Yunho spoke the words again and expected him to reply. If the words came out forced, he was sure that Yunho would know, and there was no way that he would be able to muster a genuine response when he did not feel anything remotely close to the amount of affection Yunho had for him.
Yunho stopped brushing Jaejoong’s hair and kissed his shoulder, “Is something wrong? I can tell from the way that you are sitting that you are not at ease.”
“I…” Jaejoong faltered, and he glanced over his shoulder to look at Yunho, “I am fine.”
The older man chuckled and swept Jaejoong’s long curtain of hair over to his other side. He smiled kindly, “You always say that, yet I am certain that you are lying. Do you not trust me to take care of you?”
“It’s not that,” Jaejoong muttered, his eyes cast downwards, “I just…I do not think that I should bother you with what I am thinking.”
Yunho wrapped his arms around Jaejoong and settled his chin on the smaller man’s shoulder. He looked up at him and smiled, “You can trust me.”
Jaejoong felt his heart clench in his chest, and he forced a small smile, “Is that so?”
“Yes, it is so,” Yunho replied before he inched his face upwards to kiss Jaejoong’s lips softly. It was a short, sweet and delicate kiss, and he promptly pulled away to set his head back onto Jaejoong’s shoulder, “I have something to ask of you.”
“What is it?”
“How would you feel about accompanying me on a trip?” Yunho questioned, “I remembered that you mentioned before that you are from a fishing village farther down south. I am heading south, and I think you might enjoy seeing the ocean again.”
“I don’t think that’s necessary,” Jaejoong said softly, “I would just be a burden to you.”
Yunho chuckled, “Nonsense. You know I enjoy your company. When was the last time you saw the ocean? I’ve heard that people who live by the ocean miss it constantly when they are away from it because it is a part of their soul.”
“I was only a child when I left,” Jaejoong answered, “I do not remember much of my life before I came here. I do remember my mother taking me to a cliff to watch the sun rise over the ocean…but that was such a long time ago.”
Silence fell between them, and Jaejoong grew uneasy. He wasn’t supposed to reveal so much of himself to Yunho, but he found the other man’s honesty unnerving and couldn’t help but respond to him with equal honesty. He wanted the conversation to turn away from him, so he quickly deflected the conversation back to Yunho.
“Why are you going south?”
Yunho sighed and settled against Jaejoong’s shoulder, “Apparently I am to discuss the matter of finding more reinforcements for the king’s security. I am to talk with several men concerning recruitment of men into the palace guard and army.”
Jaejoong mentally took note of the information and nodded, “I see, well -“
Yunho opened his eyes, and he looked at Jaejoong with such hopeful and loving expectation that Jaejoong could barely breathe, “So, will you accompany me? I promise to take care of you while we are there.”
His mind told him to say no, that Jinwoo would not approve of him going so far, but his mouth refused to move to say no. It would be dangerous for him to be so far away from reinforcements, but he couldn’t bring himself to reject Yunho’s offer.
It would not be wrong for him to say yes, would it? After all, his mission was to make sure that Yunho loved and trusted him - if he said no, then it would make Yunho feel doubtful of his affections and feel hurt, and he did not want Yunho to feel that way.
So, he did what his heart told him to do.
He said yes.
o-o-o
“Are you bored?”
Jaejoong looked up and smiled at Yunho, “No, not at all.”
He’d spent the entire day at Yunho’s side, listening to the other man discuss border patrols with several important men as well as recruitment procedures, and all the information he’d heard was essential to the goals of their group.
Yunho frowned at him doubtfully, obviously not convinced of his answer, “If you would like, you may retire to your room for a bath, or…” he studied Jaejoong’s face and tilted his head, “You look rather flushed. Are you alright?”
Jaejoong pressed his hand against his forehead, and he frowned slightly when he felt the unusual warmness of it. He looked at Yunho and nodded, “I am fine,” he answered easily, “It is just warm…”
“Would you like to go outside with me then?” Yunho asked in concern, “There is a nicer breeze outside, and it is still awhile until my next engagement.”
“Well -“
Yunho stood up and held out his hand for Jaejoong to take, “I will not be taking no for an answer. The flowers are blooming, and you have yet to fully appreciate the beautiful sights that may be found in the gardens. I did not take you here just so you may be bored to death by matters you have no interest in.”
Jaejoong reluctantly took hold of Yunho’s hand, but as soon as he was up on his feet, he let go and stood a small distance away from the latter. Yunho glanced at him, but he looked away, and they left the room in silence.
He always felt guarded whenever he was alone with Yunho, worried that perhaps Yunho would see something that he did not want him to see. They strolled through the gardens in silence aside from the occasional chirping of a bird, and Jaejoong kept to himself as he admired the beauty before him.
Everything was so well kept and cared for, and the vibrant colors of the flowers made the whole sight even more beautiful than it already was. The whole garden had been carefully planned and arranged, and Jaejoong felt himself let out an awed sigh.
“I know this is not the ocean but…” Yunho smiled apologetically at Jaejoong, “I tried to find some secret way for us to leave here in order to visit the village you were raised in, but I was not able to find a way and for that, I am sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry about,” Jaejoong replied honestly as he approached a nearby cherry blossom tree to admire its flowers, “Everything here has its own charms and radiance that I can admire. It is an amazing spectacle to see.”
“It is beautiful, don’t you think?” Yunho questioned, leaning down to whisper into Jaejoong’s ear.
The other man looked up, and his heart leapt in his cheat when he realized how close their faces were. His answer slipped off his tongue, and he stared up at Yunho blankly.
Yunho smiled and tucked back a long strand of Jaejoong’s hair gently, “Of course, I cannot help but feel biased towards you. Your beauty is certainly on a different level to that of any other man or woman,” he murmured softly.
“Don’t say that,” Jaejoong whispered back, “I…” He felt his stomach churn, and he bit his lip before saying anything. He felt slightly dizzy, and he reached out to take hold of Yunho’s arm for support.
A flash of worry crossed Yunho’s face immediately, “Are you -“
“I will be fine,” Jaejoong said as he forced a smile. His heart was still pounding in his chest, and he could hardly hear himself as he spoke, “You have a meeting to attend. It would not be good if you missed it. I will just return to my room.”
Before Yunho could protest, a guard showed up, “I am sorry to interrupt, but -“
“I know,” Yunho muttered dismissively, “I will be there in a few minutes.” He waved the man away and reached out for Jaejoong, but Jaejoong turned around before Yunho could reach forth and touch him.
As Jaejoong walked away from Yunho, he felt the churning in his stomach settle and his heartbeat began to slow down, but it still did not soothe the uneasiness he felt deep inside.
o-o-o
Jaejoong woke up to the feeling of a compress being pressed against his forehead, and when his eyes fluttered open, he was surprised to see Yunho tending to him. Yunho frowned down at him and brushed hair off Jaejoong’s forehead idly.
“I told you that you were sick,” Yunho murmured, “Why do you never listen to me?”
“You are not a doctor,” Jaejoong whispered back tiredly, his throat slightly sore. His lips quirked into a smile, and Yunho sighed.
The older man’s frown deepened, and he set the compress down on Jaejoong’s forehead, “I may not be a doctor, but I can tell when someone is sick,” he insisted, “I brought you food and tea, and your fever seems to be broken, so you should be well by tomorrow.”
Jaejoong watched as Yunho moved the tray closer to him, “You did not have to do this for me,” he spoke as Yunho began to stir the soup, “I did not ask for your help.”
“I do it because…” Yunho’s voice dropped off, and Jaejoong felt his heart pound against his chest as he waited for Yunho to continue. He watched Yunho anxiously, and Yunho soon turned his head to look at him, “I do it because I care for you...surely you know that?”
“I…I do know,” Jaejoong murmured hesitantly.
Yunho helped him sit up, and he fed Jaejoong the soup silently. Jaejoong ate the soup quietly, avoiding looking at Yunho’s eyes the entire time, and as soon as Yunho was done feeding him, he lied back down and turned away from Yunho. His heart thudded in his chest, and he didn’t know what to say or do.
No one had every cared for him in the same way that Yunho was doing. It was all strange and foreign, and the feelings he had were overwhelming and immense.
The compress was lifted off his forehead, and Jaejoong tensed when he felt Yunho press a hand against his forehead before moving over to his neck, “Have I done something wrong to you?” Yunho questioned, “I have this feeling that you are upset with me.”
“No, I am not upset,” Jaejoong said softly as he reached out to gently hold Yunho’s hand and take it in his, “You have been nothing sort of…perfection, in my eyes,” he added softly, the words adding a weight to his chest.
Yunho’s gaze softened, “I…”
They stared at each other in silence, and Jaejoong felt like it was getting more difficult for him to breathe the longer Yunho watched him. His stomach churned and just as he was about to avert his eyes and bring up another subject, Yunho uttered the same three words that Jaejoong wished he would never say aloud.
“I love you.”
Jaejoong stiffened, and his tongue felt heavy in his mouth. Yunho watched him with expectant and hopeful hazel eyes, but he could say nothing in return. His heart pounded in his chest, and his mind went blank.
Before Jaejoong could try to avert the subject, Yunho did it first. He shook his head and smiled sadly at his lover and turned away, “It is no matter,” he said softly as he slowly stood up, “I will get you another compress.”
“Yunho -“
The man turned to look at him, and when Jaejoong could say nothing, he turned back around and quietly walked out of the room.
After Jaejoong had contemplated what had just happened and what he was feeling, he decided that Yunho’s submissive acceptance of his silence hurt more than he thought it would, but what he didn’t understand was why he felt like crying when he hadn’t been the one to be rejected.
o-o-o
When Jaejoong woke up, the room was empty. The bowl of soup had been kept away, the pot and cups of tea were gone, and everything was tidier than it had been before Yunho had even come in. Jaejoong frowned at the sight of it all, and he quickly got out of bed.
The sun was barely at the horizon, so he made his way through the corridors silently, doing his best to not alert anyone that he was awake. He’d seen Yunho’s room because the latter had showed him around the previous day, and when he slid the door open, his heart clenched tightly in his chest.
Yunho was slumped over a table, papers askew on its surface, and it was obvious that he’d spent most of the night looking through them. Jaejoong shut the door quietly and his feet barely made a sound as he walked over to Yunho. He knelt down, and he felt guilt rise to his throat.
It’d been because of him that Yunho had been unable to finish his work. He had heard Yunho come into his room several times in the night to check up on him, and Jaejoong felt his heart clench even tighter when he noticed the tiredness that was evident on Yunho’s face.
“I’m sorry,” Jaejoong whispered before he gently reached out to touch Yunho’s face. He tucked back a strand of the other man’s hair, and Yunho’s eyes opened slowly.
Jaejoong smiled at Yunho, and Yunho blinked at him drowsily.
“Good morning,” he murmured as Yunho straightened up. They stared at each other in silence, and it was obvious that Yunho was slightly confused. Jaejoong felt himself brimming with emotion, and he didn’t know what to do. His heart pounded in his chest, and his thoughts were running wild.
Yunho had opened up to him so much, if he were to just open himself up for but a few stolen moments, would he remain the same?
Before he could second guess himself or change his mind, Jaejoong cupped Yunho’s face and kissed him. It was the first time he’d ever initiated a kiss, and Jaejoong felt his cheeks redden as Yunho began to kiss him back.
He opened his mouth, and as Yunho slipped his tongue into his mouth, he pinned Jaejoong against the floor. Jaejoong’s heart beat quickly in his chest as he gripped the fabric of Yunho’s clothing desperately, his body responding to Yunho’s touches with more fervor than usual.
“You are sick,” Yunho said breathlessly, pausing his actions and frowning down at Jaejoong.
Jaejoong looked up at him with hooded eyes and reached out to cup Yunho’s face, “I am not feverish,” he whispered before he took hold of one of Yunho’s hands and placed it onto his forehead. He held Yunho’s gaze and slowly trailed Yunho’s hand down his exposed skin, Yunho’s fingers ghosting against the plane of his abdomen as he moved it southward.
Yunho’s hand rested over his clothed erection, and Jaejoong let out an airy gasp.
“You…” Yunho licked his lips, “Are you sure?”
Jaejoong nodded slowly and ran his hands through Yunho’s hair, “I have never been more sure of…” his heart thudded painfully in his chest, and he smiled at Yunho, “I want this,” he whispered.
He inched his lips upward to kiss Yunho before he pushed off the remaining article of Yunho’s upper clothing and hooked his arms around Yunho’s neck. Jaejoong breathed heavily as Yunho began to stroke his cock, and he responded actively by bucking against the other man’s hand.
He tried to stifle his moans, but he could not help himself as soon as Yunho began to speed up his stroking. Jaejoong buried his forehead into Yunho’s shoulder and grasped at the other man tightly, pleading softly for Yunho to give him his release.
“You’re so beautiful,” Yunho whispered as soon as Jaejoong came. He stroked back the sweat damp hair that was pressed against Jaejoong’s forehead and smiled at him before he pulled down the rest of Jaejoong’s clothing and began to remove rest of his.
Jaejoong recovered slowly and sat up, his cheeks flushed and his body still aroused for more. He licked his lips as he watched Yunho undress, and when Yunho turned to look at him, he could feel the stirrings of his arousal strengthen.
He watched as Yunho walked across the room to retrieve the vial of perfumed oil that they used, and when Yunho set it down onto the table, Jaejoong reached out and pulled for Yunho to get back down onto the floor with him.
“Let me take care of you,” Jaejoong murmured as he clambered over Yunho and began to slowly and teasingly rub his lower body against Yunho’s erection. Yunho groaned against him, and Jaejoong smiled charmingly before he moved down.
Without much preamble, he took the tip of Yunho’s cock into his mouth and began to suck. As usual, the taste was foreign and not very enjoyable, but Jaejoong swallowed it down anyway for Yunho’s benefit. He felt Yunho’s hands make their way to his hair, and as he took more into his mouth, he carefully pinned Yunho’s waist down in order to prevent the latter from bucking into his mouth.
This moment they were sharing was not about him nor was it about Yunho, but it was about them. For just a few moments, Jaejoong wanted to feel what it would be like to truly be with someone not because he had to but because he wanted to.
“Stop,” Yunho groaned as he pulled at Jaejoong’s hair. He glanced down at Jaejoong, and Jaejoong pulled away, a trace of cum lingering at his lips. Yunho beckoned Jaejoong over and licked it off with his tongue before pinning Jaejoong onto the floor.
He panted over Jaejoong for a few seconds to regain his composure, and Jaejoong kissed him reassuringly as he waited for Yunho to prepare him. Yunho slicked his fingers with the oil and slowly inserted one into Jaejoong’s tight opening.
Jaejoong squirmed underneath Yunho and tried to keep his voice low as Yunho began to stretch him open. Although he knew that most of the higher ranked officials knew of his relationship with Yunho, he did not want anyone invading the privacy of their moment. Yunho placed his lips upon Jaejoong’s neck, and Jaejoong couldn’t help but arch his back and moan unrestrainedly as soon as Yunho began to suck at his skin in a sensual manner. His nails dug into the tanned skin of Yunho’s back, and he whimpered softly when Yunho had finished stretching him open.
Yunho drew away from Jaejoong, and Jaejoong could feel the other man’s eyes rake over his body in a loving yet lustful manner. His long dark hair was fanned out onto the floor, and Jaejoong was sure that his cheeks were flushed and his lips were swollen from Yunho’s bruising kisses.
“Is something wrong?” Jaejoong whispered after a minute or so had passed, his passion abating slightly due to his sudden worry.
Yunho shook his head and smiled, “No, nothing is wrong,” he murmured as his fingers trailed over Jaejoong’s naked body delicately, “I just…”
Jaejoong reached out, and he cupped Yunho’s cheek gently, “You can tell me,” he urged softly, the words tumbling out of his mouth before he could rethink them or restrain them.
“Nothing is wrong,” Yunho murmured before he stole Jaejoong’s breath with a searching, desperate and needy kiss that had Jaejoong panting as soon as Yunho had parted from him. He was unable to catch much of his breath because as soon as Yunho thrust sharply into him, he lost any sort of focus.
He clung onto Yunho tightly, and Jaejoong’s breaths came out in short bursts each time Yunho slammed into him roughly. His legs wrapped around Yunho’s waist, and each one of his moans served as encouragement for Yunho to go faster.
When Jaejoong managed to keep his attention on Yunho, his heart swelled with emotion. He held onto Yunho tighter and wished desperately that his feelings would go away. He wished it was just the sex, but deep down, he knew that what they were doing was so much more different than anything they’d ever done before.
It was not much longer until Jaejoong came, and after a few more thrusts that had Jaejoong mewling from over stimulation, Yunho climaxed and rested over Jaejoong for a few more seconds before pulling out and resting beside the other man. Their soft panting filled the room, and Jaejoong quickly moved over to bury his face into Yunho’s chest and cling to the other man longingly.
He couldn’t let go of the moment they had shared. He’d allowed his feelings to break free, and there was no way he could restrain them any longer. Yunho whispered sweet, soothing words into his ear and ran his hands through Jaejoong’s hair kindly.
Jaejoong shut his eyes tightly and prayed that sleep would take him before Yunho said anything that would make guilt rush into him. All he wanted was for their moment to last for a bit longer, for him to pretend that their relationship hadn’t started out due to political manipulations.
He wanted to keep pretending that everything was real.
“I love you,” Yunho whispered softly, and Jaejoong could feel the other man anticipating his answer.
Their perfect moment was shattered by those three words, and Jaejoong felt like crying. He wished he could say the same three words to Yunho, but his heart refused to let him. What Yunho loved was just an illusion of a man - he didn’t know the full truth.
So instead of saying what he truly felt, Jaejoong watched wordlessly as Yunho slipped out of his arms, got dressed, and exited the room without another word.
o-o-o
The documents were spread out before him, but Jaejoong could not bring himself to touch them. Yunho had left them scattered on the table and had left in a hurry to go to another meeting, leaving Jaejoong alone with them.
He glanced at them - knowing that information about the king’s military supplies, recruitment processes and security details would all be there. His heart pounded in his chest, and Jaejoong reached out his hand to place it on top of the documents.
It was possibly all the information he’d ever wanted and more, yet he could not bring himself to read them. For almost all of his life, he’d wanted to be part of the movement that sought to dispose of their self-serving and arrogant king, but because of one man, he was beginning to question his motives.
The moment they returned back to the capital, he would be forced to reveal everything he knew to Jinwoo. He could not hide anything from the other man - Jinwoo was an eerily observant person, and Jaejoong knew he couldn’t risk his life by trying to hide anything from Jinwoo.
He’d lived a plain and meaningless existence in the countryside before meeting Jinwoo, who’d enraptured him with the promises of a bold rebellion that would bring permanent and much needed change to their society. His young and naïve mind was ensnared, and it was not long after their first meeting before he joined Jinwoo and his force. With the passage of time, Jaejoong began to wonder if he still fully believed in the ideals he’d so easily embraced in his younger years.
What did he have left to cling to if he no longer valued the thought of heralding a revolution? If he did not feel that he had a place with Jinwoo and the rebels anymore, where did he belong?
Although Jaejoong knew that Yunho would be willing to give him a place to call home, he could not give himself to Yunho knowing that the other man had fallen in love with an illusion. He could not bring himself to further abuse the love and kindness that Yunho had so unselfishly bestowed upon him.
Jaejoong’s heart clenched tightly in his chest, and he balled his hand into a fist. Things were still tense between him and Yunho due to his silence, and it was obvious that Yunho had not forgiven him entirely although he’d been welcomed back into Yunho’s bed. He knew that Yunho was hoping to break him into saying those three particular words, but he would not allow himself to break.
There was no way he could allow himself to listen to his heart, not when there was so much at stake for him. He could not indulge himself in the selfish desires of his heart. He had a mission at hand, and there was too much riding on him.
He forced back his guilt and reached out to read through the documents. Jaejoong flipped through them and skimmed the pages, putting aside useless ones and memorizing important details. The information was all processed at a quick rate, and Jaejoong used the information as a distraction from thinking about Yunho.
In fact, he’d become so distracted that he hadn’t heard the sound of the door sliding open and Yunho stepping into the room.
“What are you doing?” Jaejoong froze and looked up at Yunho. He could see the confusion on Yunho’s face, and his heart pounded rapidly in his chest. If he did not play his cards right, he risked being exposed and possibly be beheaded.
He came up with lie and answered softly, trying to keep his nervousness in check.
“I was waiting for you, and looking through the papers was the only way that I could amuse myself while I waited for your return,” Jaejoong lied, “I did not know that they were classified information. I do apologize. I promise to keep what I have read to myself, and I will not share it with anyone.”
Yunho was silent for a few seconds, and Jaejoong watched as the former processed his answer slowly.
“I see,” Yunho said quietly in a tone that had Jaejoong wondering if the other man had truly been convinced by his answer. He watched as Yunho knelt down and gathered the papers, and when he reached out in an attempt to help, Yunho moved his hands away from Jaejoong’s. He set them aside, and when he turned to Jaejoong, he spoke, “Have you heard of the small rebellions that have been taking place within the capital?”
Jaejoong was silent for a few seconds, unsure of where Yunho was taking his question before he replied, “Yes, I have.”
“It seems that we must return tomorrow morning,” Yunho spoke before he sat down tiredly onto the floor and watched Jaejoong, “There are rumors that a major strike is being planned against the king, and I must return to protect him and to improve his security.”
“Oh, I see -“
“Things have risen to a level of tension, and I worry that the palace is not as safe as it one was…if ever you feel unsafe, I wish for you to tell me. Do not keep your fears hidden away from me. I will do my best to help you and to protect you,” Yunho interrupted, his voice soft. His gaze softened as he stared at Jaejoong from afar, “If…if there is something that you are afraid of, do not be afraid to trust me.”
Jaejoong nodded slowly, “I understand.”
Yunho sighed and lied down onto his bed, making no move to ask Jaejoong to join him. There was a weariness that radiated off him, and Jaejoong was unsure of what to do. He remained rooted the spot, and he waited for Yunho to say something.
“May I request for you to play something for me?”
Jaejoong tensed, and his gaze flickered over to the gayageum that was tucked away in a distant corner of the room. He hesitated, and when he turned to look at Yunho, the other man was watching him.
“I am tired,” Jaejoong said softly, “I worry that my fever will return. As much as I would like to play for you, I do not wish to be sick during our travel back to the capital. Perhaps on another night, I will -“
“You may leave then,” Yunho said curtly before he turned around and showed Jaejoong his back. “I am sure you are most tired, and I do not wish to tire you any further.”
Jaejoong knew that he was dismissed, and he quickly got up. As soon as he was out of the room and safely within the confines of his own room, he let his face fall into his hands as he battled with the raging emotions trapped within him
o-o-o
As soon as he returned back to the capital, he was called into a meeting with Jinwoo. Only the two of them were in the room, and from the moment Jaejoong stepped inside, Jinwoo demanded him to reveal everything that he’d learned from the time he’d spent with Yunho.
Jaejoong told Jinwoo what he knew, and the moment a victorious smirk formed on the latter’s face, Jaejoong felt his heart tighten in his chest.
“This is good for our plans,” Jinwoo said light heartedly after he had consumed several successive glasses of soju, “Your seduction of the head palace guard is extraordinarily beneficial has proven to be very for us. This means we can soon move ahead with our plan of overthrowing the king.”
Jaejoong clenched his own cup of soju tightly and looked up at Jinwoo, “What sort of method will we use? I suggest that word of mouth -“
“Word of mouth?” Jinwoo laughed heartily and slapped his desk onto the table, his voice filled with genuine amusement, “It seems like your time around the gisaengs have made you soft. We will overthrow the king through action -“
“But what of the safety of -“
A surprised look crossed Jinwoo’s face before he frowned, “Safety? Each day the king rests longer upon his undeserved throne and further brings everyone into a world that is devoid of the true leadership that is needed by the people. I don’t care for those palace guards or for those that try to hinder our cause. May they be cast out of our minds and left to whatever sort of pain awaits them - they seek a weak king, and just like him, they will fall.”
The next few minutes passed wordlessly, and just as Jaejoong was about to excuse himself so that he could leave the room, Jinwoo spoke.
“I need you to retrieve a map for me,” he urged, “It contains official documentation for the palace grounds, and we need it desperately for our route on the day of our departure/attack/. It can be found in the library -“
“Yunho does not let me -“
Jinwoo placed his cup down against the table roughly, and he met Jaejoong’s eyes coldly, “You are not his Jaejoong. Do not forget that you are with him for one reason and that reason alone. Do not be a fool. Either you carry this mission out, or I will have you withdrawn permanently from the palace. So, shall you be able to get me the map?”
Jaejoong lifted his eyes off the table, and his heart clenched painfully in his chest as he replied to Jinwoo.
“I will do it.”
o-o-o
““There was a man imprisoned today,” Yunho murmured when they were in bed together, and Jaejoong glanced at him in the darkness, “He was trying to incite people to join and form a rebellion against the king.”
Jaejoong’s breath caught in his throat, and he said nothing.
Yunho turned his head and met Jaejoong’s eyes in the dark, “What do you think of that?”
“Of what?” Jaejoong asked as he reached out to trace absentminded spirals onto Yunho’s naked chest, “Are you asking what I think of rebellion?”
“Do you think our king deserves it?”
Jaejoong was silent for a few seconds, and he kept his eyes away from Yunho’s when he answered, “I think that men who do wrong things are deserving of any punishment that comes their way.”
“I see…but the king is young - do you not think that it is acceptable for him to be human and make mistakes?”
“There are only so many mistakes that one can make,” Jaejoong whispered softly, his words hitting more closely to himself than to the king.
“I suppose so,” Yunho said quietly, “Are you loyal to him?”
Jaejoong raised up his eyes and stared at Yunho, “Are you?”
“I am as loyal as any man is to his employer,” Yunho answered softly, “I have no place telling him how to run this kingdom. I do my job to protect him, and I do not think that it is my concern to tell him how he should do his duties as king. I am loyal to…”
“To whom?”
Yunho’s look was serious when he replied, “I am loyal to you above all else.”
“I am not worthy,” Jaejoong whispered softly, “Don’t say that.”
He could feel Yunho studying him, and he didn’t know what he could say. There was no way he could earn genuine trust when he was living a lie, and he did not want to bury himself deeper into his pit of lies.
“Why not?”
Before Jaejoong could hold himself back, he replied, “I am not as good as a man as you think I am. Save loyalty for those who are most deserving,” he finished quietly before he turned around and tried to sleep.
He could not keep holding onto his lies when his heart was practically begging for him to reveal the truth. Before Yunho discovered his betrayal, he would need to complete his mission and leave him first.
He did not think he could survive the heartbreak that would come if ever Yunho discovered the truth.
o-o-o
Time was running out.
Jaejoong didn’t know what he was doing anymore. He had only a few more days left to get the map, and his mind was distracted. He could hardly look Yunho in the eye anymore, and guilt racked his body whenever the other man kissed him.
It was difficult for him to place back the barrier that he’d thrown aside almost a week before, and he could see Yunho watching him and observing him carefully the past few days. He tried to put up a front, but even he knew that it wasn’t working. He was much too distracted, and he wasn’t the same person as he used to be. Something was telling him that Yunho was becoming suspicious of him, and he didn’t know what he could do to dissuade Yunho and his suspicions.
Jaejoong took a deep breath and made his decision - he would have to get the map and leave before Yunho became any more suspicious of him. He did not trust himself to be able to maintain his lie for much longer, and time was running out for him.
He would have to make his move.
Jaejoong slipped out of bed carefully, making sure not to wake Yunho. He dressed quickly and carefully before he slid the door open silently and began to make his way out of Yunho’s compound. He slipped past the guards noiselessly, and Jaejoong carefully made his way to where the map would be located.
It took only a few minutes, but he managed to make his way inside the library. The room was hardly lit, so he navigated through the dark passages, trying to find the map that Jinwoo had told him of. He looked through documents in an attempt to find it, but in his haste to discover it, he accidentally knocked down a stack of books.
The books clattered onto the floor noisily, and Jaejoong hastened his movements, trying to find the map before anyone could find him. He knew that he would not have another chance to return, so he boldly continued with his search until he found it and tucked it into his jeogori.
He turned around to exit, but the library’s doors slid open and two guards slipped in. Jaejoong quickly whirled around and pressed himself flat against a bookshelf. He’d left everything in a state of disarray due to his haste, and his heart was rapidly beating in his chest.
“Who is here?” one of the guards questioned, “Show yourself.”
Jaejoong remained deathly silent as he picked up a book off the floor. He glanced over his shoulder to where the guards were, and he picked up another book before he threw them loudly across the library to have them slam against a distant wall. The guards automatically ran in the direction of the noise, and Jaejoong was extremely glad and thanked his sheer luck before he bolted for the door. He diverged from any of the main paths and slipped out into the gardens, running for his life. He would have to return back to Yunho’s compound before Yunho was alerted of the entry, and he could not risk having Yunho catch him.
Jaejoong slipped past the guards, his lungs burning from his far sprint away from the library, but he noticed worriedly that so many guards began flocking around. Yunho’s improvements on palace security were obviously well made ones, and Jaejoong watched anxiously in the dark as his escape paths began to get blocked off.
He tried to find a different path to get to Yunho’s compound, but as soon as he stepped out of his hiding spot, a guard spotted him.
“What are you doing outside?”
Jaejoong froze, and just as he was about to reply, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around, and he stared at Yunho in shock. Yunho’s expression was dark, and Jaejoong felt a chill run down his spine.
His heart clenched painfully in his chest as Yunho studied him, and Jaejoong felt himself weaken underneath the intensity of Yunho’s gaze. He had made a grave mistake, and he was sure that Yunho would not let this one go unnoticed.
He had no more lies left to conceal the truth from the man he loved.
“I asked him to retrieve something for me,” Yunho answered slowly, “I have heard of the disturbance in the library. Did you catch the intruder?”
“Unfortunately, we have not found him,” the guard replied, “We are unsure of what was taken, but the scholars have been woken up in order to check what is missing from the library.”
“I see…” Yunho sighed, “If you find him, tell me immediately. I will be returning to my quarters now.” His grip on Jaejoong’s shoulder tightened, “Let’s go.”
Jaejoong felt his heart drop, and he wordlessly let Yunho lead him away.
o-o-o
Yunho said nothing the entire trip back, and as soon as they were inside his room, he sat down and said nothing. Jaejoong stood awkwardly by the door, and he waited for Yunho to say something. The other man’s face was cold, and Jaejoong just wished desperately for Yunho to say something to him.
Minutes passed, but Yunho said nothing. He remained unmoving, his eyes turned away from Jaejoong, and the latter couldn’t help but feel his desperation grow by the second.
He took a step forward and spoke, his voice shaking, “Yunho…please, say something.”
Yunho remained indifferent, and Jaejoong could feel the sharp pain of his heart twisting in his chest. He moved closer to Yunho and knelt down near him while still keeping a distance away from the other man.
“Please talk to me,” Jaejoong pleaded, “Let me -“
The other man’s eyes turned to him, and he stared at Jaejoong with a look filled with sadness and bitterness, “Play for me.”
“What -“
Yunho gestured to the gayageum that he had in his room, and when he spoke again, his voice was tight and constrained, “You have never played for me in all the time that we’ve been together. Just this one night, show me…show me that you can…”
His voice broke off, and Yunho breathed in sharply. He shook his head and when he looked up at Jaejoong again, his eyes looked at Jaejoong pleadingly, begging him to prove that he had not fallen in love with what was an illusion of someone else.
He said nothing to protest the demand. His heart clenched tightly in his chest and when he sat down in front of it, he stared wordlessly at the instrument he did not know how to play.
Yunho’s eyes pierced into him, and when Jaejoong did not move to play it, the tension in the room increased tenfold. He raised his eyes to look up at Yunho, and Jaejoong felt his heart constrict tightly.
“If you love me, you’ll play it for me - just…just this one night,” Yunho whispered softly, and Jaejoong watched painfully as Yunho tried to gather his composure. The betrayal and hurt was extremely obvious on Yunho’s handsome features, and when he looked up at Jaejoong, his eyes were filled with such pain. “Please, play for me.”
Jaejoong looked at Yunho helplessly, “I…” he trailed off, and he lowered his gaze to the floor. There was no more point in playing his little charade any longer, and they both knew that.
“So it was all a lie?”
Yunho’s answer was silence, and Jaejoong felt like he was on the verge of crying. His heart was twisting painfully in his chest, and he wanted so much to comfort Yunho, but he couldn’t. Their relationship was built on lies, and as much as he had grown to love Yunho, nothing would change that he had been using him in the beginning.
The unbearable tension filled the room, and Jaejoong couldn’t bring himself to say anything in his defense. There would be no way for him to ever make up to Yunho the pain of his betrayal, and knowing the righteous man that Yunho was, he was sure that Yunho would never even consider forgiving him.
“Are you happy?” Yunho questioned, his voice filled with pain, “Did you get what you wanted from me? Was it worth it?” he demanded, “Whatever it is that you stole, give it to me now!”
Jaejoong silently stood up and presented Yunho the paper silently. He placed it down onto the table in front of Yunho and moved away. He knelt down once more and kept his head down, avoiding Yunho’s gaze completely.
“I’m sorry to say that you will not be using me any longer,” Yunho whispered as he stood up from where he was seated, “I cannot allow myself to be your fool any longer. I will not allow myself to.”
He turned away and exited the room, leaving Jaejoong alone. Despite the opportunity that would allow him a chance to escape, Jaejoong stayed. His guilt and pain kept him rooted to the spot, and he waited for Yunho’s judgment.
The doors slid open, and Yunho stepped into the room alone.
“Stand up,” he ordered, and Jaejoong complied wordlessly. He walked over to Yunho, and when they were standing face to face, he dared to lift his eyes to look up at the other man.
Yunho stared back at him and spoke, “You have betrayed me, yet…when I look at you,” his voice cracked slightly, and he shook his head sadly, “My heart refuses to stop loving you, and try as I might to try to hate you, I cannot.”
“Yunho -“
“If there is one thing I have to thank you for, it would be that you never told me that you loved me,” Yunho whispered, his voice filled with pain, “The agony I feel is my fault as well, for I was a big enough fool to believe and fall in love with your lies. Out of memory of my love for you, I will allow you this chance to leave. If you return, I will not let my love blind my moral code once again, and I will have you arrested.”
Jaejoong’s eyes watered and he acknowledged Yunho’s words with a dip of his head.
“I loved you…I loved you in a way that I have not loved anyone else. I treated you as best I could, and I was kind,” Yunho’s voice broke off, and he shook his head sadly, “You said that men who do wrong things are deserving of any punishment that comes their way…” Yunho said softly, his words hardly above a whisper.
Jaejoong lifted his eyes, and he felt his heart shatter when he saw Yunho’s face. The other man looked completely broken, and he smiled bitterly at Jaejoong before he spoke, “Tell me Jaejoong, what wrongs have I committed in order to deserve such cruel punishment?”
Before Jaejoong could say a word, Yunho turned away and slid the door open. He looked at the guards that stood before him and gestured to Jaejoong, “Escort him back to his home and see that he is returned safely.”
Jaejoong took two steps forward, and when he turned to look at Yunho, the latter turned his back and walked away from him. His gut twisted in guilt, and he allowed himself to be led away without another word.
If he’d been caught, bruised, beaten, jailed and eventually beheaded - it would not be crueler and more painful than the punishment of knowing that he was the one to have inflicted such pain upon the man that he loved more than anyone else in the entire world.
< >
Author’s Note: Once again, thank you so much to Sara for allowing me to post her art! I do not want the art being spread around, and please, do not tamper with it in any way. By the way, I really advise that you guys look up the song I listened to while writing this! You can find it here! It really helped set up the mood for me, so yeah. You guys might want to read this story while listening to this. ^__^ Once again, thank you for reading & commenting! ♥