Short Naps With Plastic Bag Masks
Last night I saw upon the stair
A little man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today,
Oh, how I wish he'd go away.
-Hughes Mearns
Eric and I had our first "fight" last night. It was more or less entirely my fault, as far as outside blame goes. Inside I blame my brain and it's refusal to function correctly.
I think Brandi expects me to be really upset that she's mad at me and cry and beg for forgiveness. I haven't been that person in a few years.
There are actually a lot of people mad at me at the moment. For a few brief moments, every now and then I have a lucid moment and wonder "Oh my God! What's happening?!" but they usually don't last very long. I don't actually know if any of this is good or bad. I'm incapable of being what people want or expect me to be. I can't even do that for myself.
Today I saw Damian, but I didn't stop. I don't know what I would say. And no one cares that I saw him, especially not him.
A shadow of white
Outside my window, on this night,
Feels like doom,
And lunacy in flight.
I'm not a good person anymore. If I ever was, (I think I may have been) I can't pinpoint when the change happened. I feel like it wasn't gradual. I'm mean now, and I wonder if there's anything positive about me. I might not have any friends at all.Today I sit at home(?) and cloister myself,and am angry, and mean, and consider taking a nap with a plastic bag on my head. Maybe I need some other sign that I should be alive outside of the simple fact that I am still alive. I suppose if God wanted me dead, It wouldn't require me to take rectify the situation myself. Right?
What am I to anyone? On facebook I'm filler for your number of friends, an extra body at an event. In the world at large, I'm a strange crazy girl who hides it vaguely well. I don't know who I am in my life. How did I ever make it through my teenage years? I'm guessing my fear of death was a factor, but it seems to be ebbing.
I'm slightly convinced I'll end up cackling in an asylum, or rotting in a grave.
A little man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today,
Oh, how I wish he'd go away.
-Hughes Mearns
Eric and I had our first "fight" last night. It was more or less entirely my fault, as far as outside blame goes. Inside I blame my brain and it's refusal to function correctly.
I think Brandi expects me to be really upset that she's mad at me and cry and beg for forgiveness. I haven't been that person in a few years.
There are actually a lot of people mad at me at the moment. For a few brief moments, every now and then I have a lucid moment and wonder "Oh my God! What's happening?!" but they usually don't last very long. I don't actually know if any of this is good or bad. I'm incapable of being what people want or expect me to be. I can't even do that for myself.
Today I saw Damian, but I didn't stop. I don't know what I would say. And no one cares that I saw him, especially not him.
A shadow of white
Outside my window, on this night,
Feels like doom,
And lunacy in flight.
I'm not a good person anymore. If I ever was, (I think I may have been) I can't pinpoint when the change happened. I feel like it wasn't gradual. I'm mean now, and I wonder if there's anything positive about me. I might not have any friends at all.Today I sit at home(?) and cloister myself,and am angry, and mean, and consider taking a nap with a plastic bag on my head. Maybe I need some other sign that I should be alive outside of the simple fact that I am still alive. I suppose if God wanted me dead, It wouldn't require me to take rectify the situation myself. Right?
What am I to anyone? On facebook I'm filler for your number of friends, an extra body at an event. In the world at large, I'm a strange crazy girl who hides it vaguely well. I don't know who I am in my life. How did I ever make it through my teenage years? I'm guessing my fear of death was a factor, but it seems to be ebbing.
I'm slightly convinced I'll end up cackling in an asylum, or rotting in a grave.