(no subject)
So every two weeks when I get paid I give my Dad $100. Last payday which was a week ago I gave him $100...I never forget. That's $200 a month for rent. I dont get paid for another week. I went downstairs to see him and he looked stressed, and I told him I made money from stuff I sold today at the thrift store. He says dont forget you still owe me $100 for November....And I got mad. I NEVER forget. I always pay him on time...not only that..I'm out of work at the moment...WTF does he want me to fucking do!? Does he need money that bad?? So I said fuck it, and gave him $100 a week earlier...for what reason? I don't fucking know. He always gets me confused with Tabitha...he doesnt make a mental note of when I give him money...then he says stuff like I'm irresponsible...maybe if you'd keep track of things that I do that are good, and not get me mixed up with Tabitha, and not make judgements on my character because you have a bad memory and you always want to think the worst of me, I wouldn't get so mad. He said boy I can't wait for you to move out. And that hurt me....even though I say I can't wait to move out...but just the feeling of not being wanted is hurtful...I feel like me and my dad never had a bond.
WHY CAN'T I JUST HAVE A FUCKING FATHER!? Someone that doesn't act like my boss, or supervisor, or credit card company...Someone that doesn't put me down. Someone that doesn't hit me in the face or belittle me. Someone that has mentally, verbally, physically, and emotionally abused me for 20+ years. Someone who isn't just there to tell me how much life sucks and they need more of my money and that I need to have a plan, and that life is hard. I HATE pessimistic people. Life is only as hard as you make it for yourself. I just can't feel bad for anyone anymore. Everyone wants things handed to them, or they think they're owed something. So many people feel bad for themselves but I haven't even seen these people work their hardest! DON'T FUCKING TELL ME YOU'RE TIRED, YOU'RE HAVING A HARDTIME, AND LIFE IS HARD WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT STRUGGLE IS AND YOU'VE NEVER EVEN GIVEN IT YOUR ALL. Maybe then I'd have respect for you and cut you a break....I know so so many people like this.
He never believed in me. I'm just another one of HIS MISTAKES....That's what he said to me. So I forget about him and try to do things for myself...things that make myself happy...but its never good enough. How can he want me to do good when I never had a good rolemodel? Someone who used to do drugs, hit me, complain about how hard life it, how we never have enough money, but I never saw him working his ass off....I remember him pimping the system and getting alot of off the books jobs like once every other week and collecting unemployement while he sat around doing drugs, getting fat, and hitting me and my sister and talking about what he COULD have been if he finished architecture school, or dental hygenist school. That's not going to be me. And my boss at work can't make me feel guilty for leaving either....saying that moving to oregon with Jess and Dave is unrealistic and being pessimistic about it. She also said to me that she wanted to be a photographer and got into art school but her parents wouldn't pay for it so she got mad at them and moved out at 17. And now she's saying its an unrealistic career, and that working retail is much better and stable....FUCK THAT. What a cop out. I hope I don't have to work retail for the rest of my life...that, or a "city" job...sounds like such a cop out. Sorry it's just not for me...sounds like the easy way out....getting trained, being a puppet, getting benefits, pension, retirement, and have kids and a house, goldfish and two car garage...and that's life. Fuck that....not my life...I WANT TO LIVE! I want to see things! Experience them. This is the only life we're gonna have. Doesn't anyone understand that? THERE ARE NO DO-OVERS.
Everytime he talks to me now, he talks about money, and how life sucks, and I might be frustrated but imagine how he feels, and he works so hard, he's soo depressed and when I have a bad day I need to wake up and smell the roses cause that's life, and I need to grow up.
I'm mad at him right now. He really pissed me the off.
I wish pessimistic people would just die, and rid the world of their negative feelings and energy, and misery, and stop bringing other people down.
WHY CAN'T I JUST HAVE A FUCKING FATHER!? Someone that doesn't act like my boss, or supervisor, or credit card company...Someone that doesn't put me down. Someone that doesn't hit me in the face or belittle me. Someone that has mentally, verbally, physically, and emotionally abused me for 20+ years. Someone who isn't just there to tell me how much life sucks and they need more of my money and that I need to have a plan, and that life is hard. I HATE pessimistic people. Life is only as hard as you make it for yourself. I just can't feel bad for anyone anymore. Everyone wants things handed to them, or they think they're owed something. So many people feel bad for themselves but I haven't even seen these people work their hardest! DON'T FUCKING TELL ME YOU'RE TIRED, YOU'RE HAVING A HARDTIME, AND LIFE IS HARD WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT STRUGGLE IS AND YOU'VE NEVER EVEN GIVEN IT YOUR ALL. Maybe then I'd have respect for you and cut you a break....I know so so many people like this.
He never believed in me. I'm just another one of HIS MISTAKES....That's what he said to me. So I forget about him and try to do things for myself...things that make myself happy...but its never good enough. How can he want me to do good when I never had a good rolemodel? Someone who used to do drugs, hit me, complain about how hard life it, how we never have enough money, but I never saw him working his ass off....I remember him pimping the system and getting alot of off the books jobs like once every other week and collecting unemployement while he sat around doing drugs, getting fat, and hitting me and my sister and talking about what he COULD have been if he finished architecture school, or dental hygenist school. That's not going to be me. And my boss at work can't make me feel guilty for leaving either....saying that moving to oregon with Jess and Dave is unrealistic and being pessimistic about it. She also said to me that she wanted to be a photographer and got into art school but her parents wouldn't pay for it so she got mad at them and moved out at 17. And now she's saying its an unrealistic career, and that working retail is much better and stable....FUCK THAT. What a cop out. I hope I don't have to work retail for the rest of my life...that, or a "city" job...sounds like such a cop out. Sorry it's just not for me...sounds like the easy way out....getting trained, being a puppet, getting benefits, pension, retirement, and have kids and a house, goldfish and two car garage...and that's life. Fuck that....not my life...I WANT TO LIVE! I want to see things! Experience them. This is the only life we're gonna have. Doesn't anyone understand that? THERE ARE NO DO-OVERS.
Everytime he talks to me now, he talks about money, and how life sucks, and I might be frustrated but imagine how he feels, and he works so hard, he's soo depressed and when I have a bad day I need to wake up and smell the roses cause that's life, and I need to grow up.
I'm mad at him right now. He really pissed me the off.
I wish pessimistic people would just die, and rid the world of their negative feelings and energy, and misery, and stop bringing other people down.