For Sawyer (Timed for... whenever)

[little_moons]

We had dinner, like a family, but that only seemed to make it more obvious how many chairs around the table are empty now. The girls are moody, angry and cranky and sad, even though they don't always seem to know why, but when we sit at the table, the three of us, it's like they know how thin a thread I'm hanging on by and they just... behave. They

Comments

[little_moons]

It's funny. Sometimes I wonder if Heider wasn't trying to mold me into something. Maybe it was unintentional, but he taught me all his tricks, who to go for and when, how to make a kid do whatever you wanted.

If a kid does good you gotta reward 'em.

I could see myself going down a different path, using that, thoughts that I've had that I don't wanna admit to anyone. All those things I did back when I was a kid. How easy it was to get the other guys in class afraid of me. How easy it was to keep them from tattling to the teachers about me. And all those little things I learned from him that came in handy when I started to hook.

It seems crazy to let yourself become the person you hate, the person who fucked you over, but maybe it's just inevitable. It's something I avoided, for the most part, but I can see it, that possible path I could've taken, following me around like a ghost wherever I go.

The shit that happens to you when you're a kid... It sticks with you more than anything. It fucks with everything. One summer, one night, and it can feel like the rest of your fuckin' life just doesn't... fit, because everything you do from that moment on can be traced back to that one thing.

"So, why do you still go by the name now?"

[cibosity]

It ain't the first time someone's asked me this question. Hell, there are people who refuse to call me Sawyer, who insist that I'm James now, and that there ain't no point comparing me to a man without an ounce of regret in his heart. Maybe. Sometimes I feel like I've made myself into a half-decent man, but I know it's only 'cause there are places that let me start over. Even on that other island, people didn't start off knowin' who I was, or what I'd done; back there, I immediately pushed everyone away. Seemed like the right thing to do, seemed like it was the only way to protect them when I still couldn't get over the fact that I hadn't found Tom Sawyer.

And then on Tabula Rasa... it's like this group of people refuses to let anyone get down. Refuse to see anything but the good in people, and it's stupid as hell, but damn if it doesn't make a man feel welcome sometimes, even someone like me.

"'Cause that's who I am," I reply simply, not all forlorn or like I'm still punishing myself in full. Sometimes, I wonder if I should. But maybe the name is enough. A branding. "Ain't no amount of time that's gonna change that, Neil."

[little_moons]

"Probably not," I agree, one corner of my mouth lifting in a faint smile. He'll always be that guy, but he's other stuff, too. And maybe he thinks I don't get that, but I do. You are who you are. You can't run from it. There's no such thing as a blank slate. You carry around your decisions with you, for the rest of your life. Good or bad.

Some of 'em, you can make up for, but only if you're lucky.

"Did you ever find 'im? The real one?"

[cibosity]

Son of a bitch. It all comes flooding back, only in patches, like I can't see the full picture anymore. I'm not sure I ever did. I can smell shrimp in the air, hear it sizzling in the background. I can feel the thud of worn food under my fist as I try and call out to Locke. (It's been some time since I've thought of him, and even that just twists my gut like someone's shoved a knife right on in there.) The rattle of chains, the struggle of a dying breath.

It ain't something that you ever forget, but hell if it's anything you ever truly remember. I knock back another shot, pouring one straight after.

"I killed the real one. I couldn't- I couldn't stop myself."

[little_moons]

"Did it help?" I ask, already knowing the answer. There isn't a whole lot of closure in death, no matter how final it may be. Not for the people left behind. As far as punishments go, it's too quick, and it leaves the living behind to clean up the mess left afterward. I would've gotten no pleasure in seeing Heider dead. Not by my own hands, or anyone else's.

I reach for the bottle, my hand briefly touching his, but there's no offer behind it. No flirting or playfulness. It's mindless, or maybe it's meant to be comforting. I don't fucking know.

[cibosity]

The brush of a hand burns a hell of a lot worse than the liquor. Sympathy always does, when you know you ain't done nothing to deserve it. Killing Tom Sawyer doesn't make me a good person, doesn't make me strong, and hell, it doesn't even keep the ghosts shackled to the past. All it does is leave me with more blood on my hands and memories that ain't ever gonna wash away. I try to stand it, let Neil do whatever comforting he feels like he's gotta right now, 'cause there ain't much that's a greater pain in the ass than people shoving good intentions away (I'd know, it's why I spent so much time doing so in the first place), but soon enough I pull away.

Don't feel sorry for me.

Don't you try to understand.

"I dunno," I breathe instead, gaze slowly meeting his. "But if he came 'round again, I know I'd do it. I wouldn't change my mind, even knowing what I do now."

[little_moons]

"We all keep makin' the same fuckin' mistakes over and over," I mutter with a snort, reaching for the bottle and taking a swig.

"This place... It keeps tryin' to teach us shit, I think, but I dunno if any of it ever really sticks. I mean, you think I don't... I get it, man. More than you know. You gotta problem with that, you can kiss my ass. I spent half of my fuckin' life, every goddamn thing I did, was because of one guy. Every fucked up thing in my life, you could trace a fuckin' line back to him."

[cibosity]

Jesus. I start to wonder how the two of us are ever gonna emerge from the bar at this rate. Because every word of his rings so goddamned true that I feel it digging into the ground and under my skin, and soon enough there won't be anything to hold us up anymore. It's not just the words. It's the way that they sound, bitter and yet... yet they ain't, not exactly. Not quite giving up, but having given up long ago on some of the details, given up on himself. I know that he's had some time to think of himself as a bit more, as part of that marriage, as one of many guardians to those two little girls. But with all that torn away, well, looks like I've got some company at last.

It's almost pathetic, how nice it fools me into feeling, not being alone.

"What'd yours do?"

[little_moons]

"He fucked me. Literally. Convinced me that we were in love and that the rest of the world just didn't understand us," I admit with a bitter snort of laughter, 'cause it just... it sounds pathetic. He sounds pathetic. That's all he ever was, and it's sad that I once thought he was so amazing.

"Taught me how to get people to do whatever I wanted. Turned me into a really fuckin' great liar. And then he disappeared without a fuckin' word, and I was left waitin' for him to come back. And the really fuckin' pathetic part is that I didn't realize how much I fuckin' hated him until I came here."

[cibosity]

Of all the things I could've imagined bringing Neil to this point, this wasn't one of them. And it makes me sick. I'm seeing red and feeling sick to my stomach, and for half a second it's all I can do to keep my anger contained, knuckles turning white as I grasp my glass. "Jesus," I manage, letting go of my glass to pinch at the bridge of my nose, eyes squeezing shut. If I got my hands on this guy... can't guarantee that I wouldn't do something I'd later regret. I stare over at Neil, hoping to high hell that he means that last part, that he hates this guy and isn't about to give him a second chance, whether in a memory or otherwise.

"You were just a kid," I say, as though that changes anything that we're saying right now. "You didn't know any better. Perspective ain't easy to come by."

[little_moons]

"I know I was then, but afterward... Look, I'm not tryin' to make this about me, man. I'm just sayin'... You're fucked up, and I get that. You get so all you can think about is that one thing. That one person. To the point where your life isn't yours anymore. And I know that there's nothin' to be done to make up for the shit you done, or the shit I've done. It is what it is, there's no starting over. Not completely. But that doesn't have to be all there is, you know? That's not all there is to you, and when I say I don't think you're a bad fuckin' person, that's all I mean."

[cibosity]

Suddenly, it's... just enough. I wave my hand, and if it comes off as dismissive, well- better than talking about any of this for too long. I know Neil only means well, but there ain't a single person who's gonna be able to convince me to let go of any of it, especially not with this damn island shoving it in my face time and time again. Reminding me of how fear felt to a kid, how my entire life fell apart. Dozens of cons, and dozens of chances that I've done that to someone all on my own.

"I get along fine," I tell Neil, glancing over and daring him to tell me any different. Hell, it ain't even like most of the people on the island see me as anything other than that redneck with the hair. "And ain't that what all of us are tryin' for?"

[little_moons]

"Guess so," I murmur, reaching for the bottle to take another swig.

I can't argue with that. He does get along fine, as far as I can tell, and that's really all any of us can hope for. Anyway, it's not like I've got my life all pulled together. It's a fuckin' mess and it's not like I've done a bang up job of keepin' it secret.

[cibosity]

"Which brings me to what actually pulled me here in the first place," I add. Maybe it's the last thing he wants to do. Talk more about what's going on with him. Maybe. Maybe it's the last thing that he wants, in the same way that I've never wanted to talk to Neil about Tom Sawyer and my life as a con, but I did anyway, and there's a part of me now that wonders if it didn't help solidify what we've got going just a bit. Earning me a friendshpi that actually seems to last.

Don't think Neil would have as much trouble making those, of course, and the comparison ain't perfect. But maybe he'll get something outta it. "You hangin' in there?"

[little_moons]

"I dunno. Guess so," I admit with a shrug, picking at a jagged piece of skin beside my thumbnail.

"I mean, I dunno how the fuck to do any of this shit, but that's nothin' new."

[cibosity]

It's going somewhere. This conversation, it could go somewhere if I let it, my eyes dropping down to where he's picking at his skin, to all of the little movements and fidgeting that would have made him a dead target for a talk or two years ago. Back when I didn't...

Back when my whole job was tugging the truth out of people, finding the holes, exploiting them.

That ain't what I'm trying for here, but it's funny, how close the paths are. But they say the path to hell's paved with good intentions.

"You'll have to be a bit more specific than that," I point out.