May 30, 2005 22:10
So prom is done. I have three days left of high school and my life is going like a roller coaster. It's funny to think that I'll like never have high school back. I'll never have this minute back. I'll never have tomorrow back, I'll never have this weekend back. I'll never have senior prom back. It's all just instantaeous. crazy.
Senior prom. It wasn't perfect. It wasn't what I wanted. It wasn't like I thought it was supposed to be in all the movies and books. There was no dream guy, gorgeous or any of that ridiculous ornamental stuf that doesn't matter but really does. It wasn't like what I wanted at all. It wasn't and I can't have it again. It was fun, it was cool. But it wasn't perfect. It wasn't the night of my life and it won't be.
I hate not having time back. I don't want to live with regrets but it's so difficult. I want so many of my moments in life back, for good or ill. I want to just see some again and for some to take everything back and do it right. Is this part of life? Like fucking things up and having this be there for ever? I mean. I don't know what I mean. This is sounding more and more angsty and melodramtic as it goes on.
I just want summer to be here. And I want to go to college and start everything new. I want to have no history and no regerts and make no mistakes. I want to have a great freshman year and not wreck anything. I want to make the right choices. Or just choices at all. I want to have fun. I want so much stuff and its no wonder I never get all of it. But I wanted prom. I wanted to have a dream prom date. Why isn't my life like the movies? Why do they show us movies that aren't like real life?
What am I going to rememeber in twenty years? I mean I want to go back and see this long ass entry and read my little immature 17 year old comments about the complexity of life. I mean how am I going to see my life in twenty years? Will I remmeber prom wasn't as perfect as I wanted. Or will I just see the photos and expect I had fun without knowing? Will I rememeber the actually happy moments and the times that I didn't take photos or have reservations or wear heels?
I need to stop typing. And memorzie my lines.