Beware!
The Jekyll and Hyde SYNDROME
By Beverly Engel
You may have reason to believe that you suffer from NPD, either from reading the information on narcissism in chapter 3 or because someone, possibly a partner, may have told you that you fit the description. If this is true for you and you haven’t read chapter 3, I suggest you do so now. The following questions will help:
1. Do you feel that you are special or that you have special talents or gifts that others don’t possess?
2. Do you feel entitled to special treatment or recognition?
3. Do you secretly feel that you are better than most people (for example, smarter, more attractive, more talented?)
4. Do you become easily bored with people when they talk about themselves?
5. Do you tend to think that your feelings or opinions are more important than others?
6. Does it hurt you deeply if your talents, accomplishments, or physical attributes are not recognized or appreciated?
7. Do you feel deeply insulted if you are ignored or not acknowledged?
8. Have you been accused of being overly self-focused or self-centered?
9. Have you been accused of being conceited or egotistical?
10. Do you often fly off the handle or become enraged at the slightest provocation, frequently without really knowing why?
11. Do you lose respect for others when you discover that they are less intelligent, successful, powerful, or “together” emotionally than you had first thought?
12. Do you have difficulty identifying or empathizing with others, especially with their pain?
13. Do you find that you are often envious of what others have accomplished or accumulated?
14. Do you tend to focus more on what you don’t have than on what you do?
15. Do you frequently feel that your efforts and accomplishments are being ignored or minimized or that you are being passed over for special recognition, promotions, awards, and so on?
16. Are you able to walk away from relationships fairly easily once someone has insulted you or hurt you?
17. Is one of your major goals in life to become successful, famous, or wealthy, or to find “perfect” love?
18. Do you feel like a failure or feel depressed because you haven’t reached your goal?
19. Do you feel as if you don’t really need other people all that much, that you are fairly self-sufficient?
20. Are most of your friendships based on a mutual interest or on the fact that you both have a strong desire to become successful, famous, or wealthy?
21. Do your relationships tend to be short-lived? Are you close to someone for a while but find that over time this person no longer serves a function in your life?
If you answered yes to up to five questions, you have strong narcissistic tendencies. If you answered more than five questions with a yes, especially if they were questions 10 through 21, you may actually suffer from NPD.
How Narcissistic Personality Disorder Leads to Jekyll and Hyde or Abusive Behavior
If you suffer from NPD or have strong narcissistic tendencies, your behavior and attitude toward others are often experienced as abusive even though you may not intentionally try to hurt anyone. In fact, those with NPD are often oblivious to others and to how their behavior affects people. This doesn’t make your behavior and attitude any less hurtful or damaging, however, and often it is your careless disregard toward others that hurts the most. The specific behaviors and attitudes manifested by a narcissistic individual that are most hurtful to others include:
· Negating the feelings, the ideas, and the opinions of others
· Sarcastic remarks and put-downs
· A general attitude of arrogance and condescension toward others
· A tendency to be dismissive of others, especially if one does not respect them
· Being overly critical and judgmental of others
· Unreasonable expectations - never being pleased
Although most of their abusive behavior is unconscious and unintentional, at times people suffering from NPD can be deliberately abusive. Generally speaking, the impulse to emotionally abuse is set in motion either when the relationship becomes too symbiotic or when a partner is somehow found lacking. Too much closeness terrifies the narcissists, so they criticize or impose control on their partners or children to keep them at bay. By accusing her children of being too demanding or invasive, a narcissistic mother can keep them at a safe distance. By asserting control and dominance over his wife, a narcissistic husband can keep her in a dependent or one down position. Narcissists also work at keeping their partners off- balance so they can avoid having to make the emotional commitment that they so desperately fear. The unspoken message is “I don’t love you,” but it remains indirect and hidden so that their partners won’t leave. Neither can the partners feel safe and secure in the relationship. They are always in a state of confusion, constantly asking themselves, “Does he (or she) love me or not?”
When people suffering from narcissism experience disappointment in their partners, this can also set abuse in motion. Typical narcissistic individuals often become intensely attracted to people in a short amount of time and will tend to idealize their partners, viewing them as more beautiful, talented, popular, or giving than they actually are. When this idealization wears off, people with NPD may become so disappointed that they lose any respect they once had for their partners. This lack of respect is expressed through belittling, dismissive or sarcastic comments or put-downs, and a blatant lack of consideration. They are deliberately trying to push their partners away since the partners no longer meet their standards.
When people suffering from narcissism are faced with the inevitable ending of a relationship, either because they are unable to ignore the fact that the relationship is a failure or they are interested in someone else, they will inevitably become abusive. Unable to accept any responsibility for the failure of the relationship or for their attraction to someone else, they must make their partners responsible - in their own minds and in their partners’.
In some cases, it isn’t a question of the narcissistic individual becoming abusive but of his or her previously hidden abusive nature being revealed. To justify his or her desire to end the relationship, the narcissistic person will force the partner to behave in unacceptable ways so that the partner can be invalidated. In the situation where the narcissistic partner is attracted to someone else, he or she must turn the previous partner into a scapegoat and project everything bad onto the partner in order to idealize the new love object and establish a new relationship.
By Beverly Engel
You may have reason to believe that you suffer from NPD, either from reading the information on narcissism in chapter 3 or because someone, possibly a partner, may have told you that you fit the description. If this is true for you and you haven’t read chapter 3, I suggest you do so now. The following questions will help:
1. Do you feel that you are special or that you have special talents or gifts that others don’t possess?
2. Do you feel entitled to special treatment or recognition?
3. Do you secretly feel that you are better than most people (for example, smarter, more attractive, more talented?)
4. Do you become easily bored with people when they talk about themselves?
5. Do you tend to think that your feelings or opinions are more important than others?
6. Does it hurt you deeply if your talents, accomplishments, or physical attributes are not recognized or appreciated?
7. Do you feel deeply insulted if you are ignored or not acknowledged?
8. Have you been accused of being overly self-focused or self-centered?
9. Have you been accused of being conceited or egotistical?
10. Do you often fly off the handle or become enraged at the slightest provocation, frequently without really knowing why?
11. Do you lose respect for others when you discover that they are less intelligent, successful, powerful, or “together” emotionally than you had first thought?
12. Do you have difficulty identifying or empathizing with others, especially with their pain?
13. Do you find that you are often envious of what others have accomplished or accumulated?
14. Do you tend to focus more on what you don’t have than on what you do?
15. Do you frequently feel that your efforts and accomplishments are being ignored or minimized or that you are being passed over for special recognition, promotions, awards, and so on?
16. Are you able to walk away from relationships fairly easily once someone has insulted you or hurt you?
17. Is one of your major goals in life to become successful, famous, or wealthy, or to find “perfect” love?
18. Do you feel like a failure or feel depressed because you haven’t reached your goal?
19. Do you feel as if you don’t really need other people all that much, that you are fairly self-sufficient?
20. Are most of your friendships based on a mutual interest or on the fact that you both have a strong desire to become successful, famous, or wealthy?
21. Do your relationships tend to be short-lived? Are you close to someone for a while but find that over time this person no longer serves a function in your life?
If you answered yes to up to five questions, you have strong narcissistic tendencies. If you answered more than five questions with a yes, especially if they were questions 10 through 21, you may actually suffer from NPD.
How Narcissistic Personality Disorder Leads to Jekyll and Hyde or Abusive Behavior
If you suffer from NPD or have strong narcissistic tendencies, your behavior and attitude toward others are often experienced as abusive even though you may not intentionally try to hurt anyone. In fact, those with NPD are often oblivious to others and to how their behavior affects people. This doesn’t make your behavior and attitude any less hurtful or damaging, however, and often it is your careless disregard toward others that hurts the most. The specific behaviors and attitudes manifested by a narcissistic individual that are most hurtful to others include:
· Negating the feelings, the ideas, and the opinions of others
· Sarcastic remarks and put-downs
· A general attitude of arrogance and condescension toward others
· A tendency to be dismissive of others, especially if one does not respect them
· Being overly critical and judgmental of others
· Unreasonable expectations - never being pleased
Although most of their abusive behavior is unconscious and unintentional, at times people suffering from NPD can be deliberately abusive. Generally speaking, the impulse to emotionally abuse is set in motion either when the relationship becomes too symbiotic or when a partner is somehow found lacking. Too much closeness terrifies the narcissists, so they criticize or impose control on their partners or children to keep them at bay. By accusing her children of being too demanding or invasive, a narcissistic mother can keep them at a safe distance. By asserting control and dominance over his wife, a narcissistic husband can keep her in a dependent or one down position. Narcissists also work at keeping their partners off- balance so they can avoid having to make the emotional commitment that they so desperately fear. The unspoken message is “I don’t love you,” but it remains indirect and hidden so that their partners won’t leave. Neither can the partners feel safe and secure in the relationship. They are always in a state of confusion, constantly asking themselves, “Does he (or she) love me or not?”
When people suffering from narcissism experience disappointment in their partners, this can also set abuse in motion. Typical narcissistic individuals often become intensely attracted to people in a short amount of time and will tend to idealize their partners, viewing them as more beautiful, talented, popular, or giving than they actually are. When this idealization wears off, people with NPD may become so disappointed that they lose any respect they once had for their partners. This lack of respect is expressed through belittling, dismissive or sarcastic comments or put-downs, and a blatant lack of consideration. They are deliberately trying to push their partners away since the partners no longer meet their standards.
When people suffering from narcissism are faced with the inevitable ending of a relationship, either because they are unable to ignore the fact that the relationship is a failure or they are interested in someone else, they will inevitably become abusive. Unable to accept any responsibility for the failure of the relationship or for their attraction to someone else, they must make their partners responsible - in their own minds and in their partners’.
In some cases, it isn’t a question of the narcissistic individual becoming abusive but of his or her previously hidden abusive nature being revealed. To justify his or her desire to end the relationship, the narcissistic person will force the partner to behave in unacceptable ways so that the partner can be invalidated. In the situation where the narcissistic partner is attracted to someone else, he or she must turn the previous partner into a scapegoat and project everything bad onto the partner in order to idealize the new love object and establish a new relationship.