Shadow Jasmine

[little_grey_owl]

Title: Shadow Jasmine
Written for brigits_flame , June 2010, week 1
Prompt: Jasmine, forever
Words: 1375
Warnings: brief mention of warts, in case that's a problem....

Comments

[mermaidbia]

Hullo, the name's Bia, I'm your other editor for this piece. Sorry I'm a bit late.

General opinion: This is a lovely, well-crafted piece; you obviously have very clear images in mind of the world you're creating here, and you manage to convey it beautifully, using the words like luscious paints. That alone is a gift in itself and a sign of good fantasy fiction. Alenvia is a quite interesting character - not obviously evil, as she works as a healer and does it with a sense of duty, but there is a dark edge to her you only gradually explore. I also really enjoy what you've created out of this prompt, creating a world with its very own botany, its own rules and secret loopholes.

The only problem I have with this piece is that sometimes you overdo the narration and the explaining a bit. Good narration is a gift, it's the glue that holds a story together, but if you do too much elaborating and exposition in the passive narrative voice, the characters you're talking about run the risk of becoming passive themselves, as they are only discussed and don't really receive an active role. Fantasy fiction - even good fantasy fiction! - often suffers from this because the writer is given the task of taking the reader to a different world, sometimes they end up explaining and elaborating just a bit too much about the world. I try not to go for deadridden phrases like "Show, don't tell", because under the right circumstances every kind of writing can work. And I know this is supposed to be a short story and somewhat wrapped-up in the format, but I think you could pull a lot more suspense and mystery out of this, engage the reader a bit more, if you cut out a bit of the exposition.

Going paragraph by paragraph to see what I can pick up:

Alenvia closed her eyes and drew a deep breath. Crushed forest grass, various plant saps and mouldy wood. Still no trace of the scent she was hoping for.
I love this beginning - the short, intruiging sentences, the detail of the different scents - you kidnap the reader to your world instantly. Good job.

Sunlight filtered through the trees above, painting bright spots on the damp, leaf-covered ground. Like this image, too.

Although the sun would still climb for several more hours before reaching its highest point, the temperature was already rising steadily. It wouldn‘t be long before the rain that had fallen in the night would evaporate and make the air heavy with humidity.
I gotta agree with Azuire here, there is a little too much "fishing for grand words" in this paragraph (a sin we are all guilty of prior to editing) I know it's supposed to sound poetic, but instead it just slows the whole thing down. How about It would still be a while before noon or something to that effect? Keep it short and compact so as not to talk down to your readers. How about making "the rain that had fallen in the night" into simply "last night's rain"? Try out variations and see what works best, but my suggestion: Keep it short and straightforward. Weather can be dragging.

for her second year as a helerim, a travelling healer
This isn't really a critique point, it's merely a suggestion: Do you have to reveal just yet that "helerim" means travelling healer? It's a difficult decision all fantasy writers have to make: How much they will spoonfeed to the reader and how much they let the readers figure out for themselves. Personally, I always feel more engaged if not everything is explained to me yet. If you leave out the explanation, the readers are called upon to figure out for themselves what a helerim could be, and you've already given a hint with her equipment. If you leave the information out until a certain point in, say, the middle, just to reassure the reader they've been thinking the right thing, you'll have the readers instantly more spellbound.

Carefully, Alenvia examined the white flowers of the vines.
What Azuire said - the "of the vines" is unnecessary repetition.

[mermaidbia]

A smile spread across her face when she saw the lightest hue of pink at the base of the petal.
Again with the narration - the "smile spread across her face" makes Alenvia a passive element in the sentence, and it's unnecessary - if you just write "she smiled", she's instantly much more active. And also, why "lightest hue" and not just "pink"?

It confirmed what the trace of bitterness in the flower‘s odour had already suggested: she had indeed found Shadow Jasmine.
Again with too much narration and "backtracking" a bit, it doesn't flow very nicely - make it more compact, as Azuire has already suggested.

She would be back in time to perform the wedding ceremony that evening and she was sure that nobody would notice the slight aberration.
This is confusing in contest - does the "abberation" have to do with the cutting of the vines? It's foreshadowing for her treachery, I understand that in hindsight, but...do you honestly need it at this point?

After all, nobody had a reason to suspect anything and tradition dictated that there were to be no suspicions on a wedding day, for they would cast ill fortune on the union. Tradition was held in high esteem in the Woodlord‘s household, especially on the day his only son, Liodrel, would marry.
Too. Much. Exposition. Too much narration. At least in my opinion. Read this through very carefully and consider whether you really need all this. If you think about it, it's all fluff, it's decoration placed on the story in hindsight, but it takes the attention away from the story, the action that is happening right now. You can shorten this to something like "tradition, after all, was held high", and that would be enough to keep the reader's interest whetted. In my opinion, you could just keep it at the "abberation" sentence, and it would shroud the story in even more secrecy. In the end, it is up to you how much exposition/explanation you want your readers to receive.

The sun had already slowly begun its decent
"descent", and you can cut the "slowly" (generally speaking, be careful with adverbs because they tend to derive attention instead of adding to the picture. Whenever you see an adverb, think twice about whether it's necessary. I'm not saying to plain cut all of them - again, I'm against the "golden rules" - but just reconsider.)

knowing that nobody would dare to touch it
I run a personal vendetta against the word "that", because it's an ugly word that propagates like a mushroom.
knowing nobody would dare touch it
See? No harm done to the sentence at all.

“Don’t worry, that can easily be taken care of.” She quickly looked through her supplies and took out a jar of ointment.
Adverbs (easily, quickly) Think about whether you need them.

A brief look of discomfort crossed the other woman’s face before she warily put on a neutral expression.

“Yes, we’ll be there like every dutiful citizen,” she replied stiffly, before quickly saying farewell and leaving the tent.
Again with the adverbs - "stiffly" and especially "quickly" - they lengthen a sentence without really adding anything.

[mermaidbia]

I'd cut the "warily", as well, it is unnecessary and makes the sentence drag - the switch in behavior you're going for is obvious (and very interesting!)

As he walked out, Alenvia took out a silver pitcher, which she filled with water. "which" sentences have a tendency to be awkward. How about "filling it with water" or "and filled it with water"?

Alenvia waited as the guests slowly took their places in the hall, admiring the intricately carved pillars of the hall and the tapestries on the walls depicting Sacred Jasmine, the most essential part of the wedding ritual, it would bring prosperity, fertility and happiness to the couple.
This sentence is kind of like losing control of the steering wheel and losing control on a highway. First you're talking about the hall, then about Shadow Jasmine, and you put a comma where the brain instinctively puts a period. Here's my suggestion:
Alenvia waited as the guests slowly took their places in the hall, admiring the intricately carved pillars and the tapestries on the walls depicting Sacred Jasmine. The most essential part of the wedding ritual, it would bring prosperity, fertility and happiness to the couple.
See? Not much done, just a knife taken to the sentence.

In her mind’s eye, she saw her little brother, who had been seen as more of a threat than she had been. She had never seen him again and doubted he had been as lucky as she had been.
Read this entire bit out loud to yourself once. Hear how the "seen"s and "been"s just pile up on each other? It ends up being a very awkward, hiccuping bit. You should get rid of the repetitions. Suggestion:
In her mind’s eye, she saw her little brother, who had been seen as more of a threat than herself. She had never seen him again and doubted he had been as lucky.

knowing the jasmine in her hands was not Sacred Jasmine but its cursed relative, Shadow Jasmine.
You don't need the repetition of "Shadow Jasmine" - we can keep track.

her resolve strengthening from the conviction that her brother should rightfully be standing in front of her instead of her cousin.
Do you need the exposition, again? It takes the attention away at a critical point - "her resolve strengthening" would already be enough.

Great last sentence :)

Edit done, mermaid out.

[little_grey_owl]

Thanks you for the edit!

You’ve given me a lot to think about!

I’ll try to follow your advice to keep my descriptions a bit shorter and avoid using repetitions, passive voice and adverbs too often. I’ll be sure to work through the story again with your suggestions in mind

Thanks again and sorry that my reply is so late!