Story: All in her Mind

[little_grey_owl]

Title: All in her Mind
Written for brigits_flame , March 2010, week 3
Prompt: Storyteller
Words: ~800
Warnings: none

Comments

[starriheavens]

Hi, I'm your other editor; I'm very sorry for the lateness. >__>

Overall, I liked the idea; re-occurring OCs is a personal pet peeve of mine, and I liked his attention to detail. However, I feel like the story was paced a little awkwardly. You started out with great attention to details in Robert's life, but you finished with two short paragraphs on the change from Ashley writing him to Katie writing him. I feel like the story would have finished a lot better if the last two paragraphs were expanded on.

However, I liked your detail in your beginning. I was especially fond of the paragraph when you mention snuffles the dog. "the dog had simply disappeared without an explanation. Instead of going to look for Snuffles (although Robert guessed it would have been pointless anyway), Robert had been sent on another agonizing date." I find the part in parenthesis a really nice touch, since it expresses Robert's disdain with his situation very effectively.

However, some of your sentences were a little awkward to read, especially your first one. In addition to changing the "in" to a "when" or "while" like mister_troper suggested, you should `also double check your tense and probably change the "wasn't" to "weren't."

Overall, I liked the approach you took to this prompt; it was a nice story, and I enjoyed it. :)

[little_grey_owl]

Thanks for editing!
I'm afraid I was running out of time and ideas towards the end of the story; I really should have gone into more detail about the effects of Robert's life being written by a different author. I need to stop writing my entries that late in the week. :-/
Thanks for your hints, I'll be sure to use them when I work through this story again! :-)