The mentalist Reverse BigBang- The Long Road Back Home - part 1-3
The Long Road Back Home
Author: little_firestar
Artist: kathiann
Link to art: http://kathiann.livejournal.com/33044.html
Word Count:~ 16165
Rating:K+
Summary: In the aftermath of Red John’s death, Jane and Lisbon are faced with a future where they are not any longer in the shadow of a serial killer. But ten years are a long time, and not everything is how they had wanted it to be, and they’ll discover that staying together may be a mistake, but being lonely could be even worse.
Disclaimer: Nor the characters or the show belong to me. And this time around, there is not even an original character to claim as mine…
Notes: Future-fic, post Red John’s end. Spoiler-free. Amazing thanks to Kathiann and her inspiring art and fanmix. She did a really amazing job, she has been extremely inspiring and I’ll never get tired of saying this, but working with her on a Mentalist BigBang, of any kind, is always a pleasure.
Chapter One
At the end it wasn't like he had imagined it. Not at all.
When he had first sworn revenge, Jane had assumed that getting to end the serial killer's life would be enough to free him, but as soon as he saw the lifeless body on the ground, he realized that it wasn't as cathartic as he had always assumed. He didn't know what he had though until that moment. The fact that Red John was gone didn't really change anything for him. His past was still the same. His family was lost, and he still was responsible for their deaths.
And yet, at the same time, the fact that the serial killer was finally gone meant everything to him. He was free, he could bury his past, leave it behind as much as he could, and look forward to the future. It was really a strange sensation: Jane had never really believed those people who said that you could feel like crying and laughing at the same time, being ecstatic and desperate in the same instant. And yet, it was exactly as he felt.
And that was another part of the problem.
He knew how he felt. He also knew how he was supposed to feel thanks to books and thousands of people who thought they just had to get involved with his life, and yet he didn't know if it really was right. It wasn't just because it took him over ten years to really start to mourn his family in the proper way, but... it was hard to explain. It was just that, everybody had their opinion, and every book said the same thing in just a different way. Everything and everyone told him he had to move on, and he knew that many of them spoke out of first-hand knowledge, but no one really was in his own position. Everyone told him they knew how he felt, that everybody, just because they were survivors, felt guilty, but it wasn't the case. He was guilty.
Yes, he knew he hadn't killed them with his own hands, and yet, it was exactly where their blood was. It was his fault if his family was no more, because he had been a greedy, full-functioning sociopathic, self-centered con artist and he had spoken too much about things he didn't really have a saying into. He had always, always, believed that getting to kill Red John would have freed him, he had never doubted it, and yet, he had been wrong. Red John was gone. He was alive. And he didn't feel any better.
"Jane..." A tiny, soft, delicate hand went to his shoulder, and he turned to look at Lisbon. He could see relief in her features - because he was alive and Red John wasn't - but also fear. He felt like there were so many things he had to tell her, things that now he could say at loud, but he found out that he didn't have the strength to. He wanted to laugh. to cry, to live, to die... but mostly, he wanted to just ask her to open her arms and take him in, to allow him to cry on her shoulder and let him fall asleep there. He wanted to ask her to be there for him, to mend his broken heart, but the words didn't come out. Just like she hadn't been able to say nothing more than his surname, he couldn't add anything to his intake of breath.
His family was gone. Red John was gone. He was alive. Lisbon was alive. He wanted to live. And he wanted to do so with her, but he wasn't sure he could.
She was just too much. Oh, he wasn't stupid. He knew she wasn't perfect, far from it, but that wasn't the problem. It was just that she deserved better. He was so... small, broken, imperfect and... he was just so, so bad. Sometimes he thought he had the magic touch of ruining everything he cared for, also when Red John wasn't part of the equation. How many of his relationships had been ruined, even before he crossed paths with the serial killer? Everyone he cared for, they eventually either abandon him or got abandoned by him, and if the choice was between having Lisbon as a friend, or even just as his boss, and not having her at all, there wasn't really any choice. It was just that easy.
He didn't want to lose her, and he wanted more than what he had right now, probably more than he was allowed to have. But he felt like it wasn't meant to be. Yes, they both wanted the same thing- a future together- but he wasn't that kind of man any longer. Maybe they could have been happy together in another time, another life, but now he couldn't give her what she wanted. What she deserved. Having a family, love, together, just to have it all tainted by the darkness of his past, shattered by his broken soul, it just wasn't right. Lisbon wanted it all, and it all was what she deserved. And he knew she could still have it, just not with him. But he knew just the right man: her man.
Peter was just perfect for her. He worked in law enforcement as well, in a white-collared position, and he understood her and her needs. He was a good Catholic from a loving family, an Ivy League graduate... he wasn't just the better man, he was the perfect one for Lisbon. He knew that when she had accepted to go out with him she hadn’t even just wanted to make her consultant jealous, she was simply looking for a rebound to have good old fashioned sex with. She wanted a one night stand, and not a relationship, but Jane had eventually pushed them towards each other, and now here they were. Lisbon had been dating the guy for over six months, and if she thought that now that Red John was gone he would have tried to steal her away from her prince, well, she was wrong.
And, just like that... here he was, detective Peter Heist, Sacramento PD, Major Crimes Unit. Not that it really was a surprise. Heist was working the case too, and he knew that they were going to end it all that very night. Jane assumed he was a tiny bit mad about not having Red John taken in alive- it would have been good for the spotlight, in case he would have decided to eventually run for Sheriff. Besides, there was also the tiny particular about Lisbon being his girlfriend/soon to be bride-to-be. And, even if Heist could be an ass and they hated each other with a passion, the man honestly loved Lisbon. Even if he hadn't worked the case, Jane was sure he would have eventually joined them on the scene, just to see how his girlfriend was doing.
"Reese? Are you all right?" Heist joined them, an arm around Lisbon's waist -to protect her, but also to remember whom she belonged to - and when Jane saw his eyes darken at the sight of the serial killer's body, he knew he had been right. The guy was mad, indeed. Oh well, he thought trying to repress a smirk, one couldn't have it all from life...
"We're fine. Just our luck Jane improved with guns..." she said. Her voice was laced with fear, relief and something else he couldn't point out exactly. He wondered if she was somehow... happy, knowing that he had gotten what he wanted-murderous vengeance- and yet he was still free. He had really acted on self-defense, there was no denying it. He had kept his promise to her, he had done things just like she wanted them to. He hadn't killed only because he wanted to. It was because he didn't have any choice, it was either the killer or himself. She had to be proud of herself, she had gotten so much under his skin that he had to follow her path, no matter what.
So, maybe....
But then, as soon as he dared to imagine a future with that beautiful woman, he fisted his hands at his sides. He couldn't risk losing her. He didn't have any right to ruin either her or Peter's happiness. Getting involved in things he didn't have a saying into always resulted in bad things happening, and he was sick and tired of it.
He looked at her leaving the warehouse, Peter's arm still around her, and as much as he wanted to be happy for his friend, he just couldn't. But maybe, faking happiness, being miserable for the rest of his days was just a fitting punishment for his youthful hubris.
Besides, it was better having her in his life that way, than not having her at all.
Or at least, he hoped that he could really think that in due time.
Chapter Two
He really thought it would get easier. Well, it was time for Patrick Jane to face the truth: looking at Lisbon being happy and in love with someone else wasn't the piece of cake he had assumed it was going to be. Not that he had really thought that it could be that easy, but he had hoped that with time he would have been ok with her being with someone else, that he could be happy for her. Well, he had been wrong. And if Hell existed... it looked exactly like that.
But looking at her all smiles and secret touches with Heist wasn't even the worst part. No. Teresa herself was making it harder to handle. Because she couldn't help but being yet again Saint Teresa, savior of all things Jane. She was always around. Had he wanted to escape her - which he wasn't sure he wanted - there was just no way out. She was always there for and with him. Either when he was awake and asleep.
He wondered if his mind was trying to telling him something, with those constant dreams he was having of her. He had never really been in touch with himself. He had always found his mind a scary place, dark and lonely, filled with anger, despair and regrets. When it came to other people, he often used what they dreamt and hoped for, just to get what he wanted when he wanted (and needed) it, but with himself it was different. Before Red John fell, dreams had been a scary occurrence, something he avoided with all his might, and on the rare instances he dreamt and it wasn't about bloody smiles and murder, he just couldn't be bothered with analyzing it. He didn't have time to think about himself, he had to concentrate on getting Red John, killing him, getting vengeance.
But now...
Now, it was all different. It wasn't like he wanted to dream or think about his dreams or what they could mean. It just was that now couldn't help it. He had all this free time, and he didn't know how to use it, so of course his mind kept going always in the same place-Lisbon, and the dreams he was having about her, all those tiny details that others would define insignificant that were imprinted forever and ever in his mind, thanks to that wonderful memory palace he had started to hate.
And only if they had been erotic dreams... but no. He could have been able to handle erotica. He had been quite the lothario in his youngster years, prior to Angela, lust wasn't something he wasn't accustomed to. Lust he could handle, he was in full control of his body, after all. But no. It wasn't about the sex. He didn't want her merely for her body. Nope. His dreams were caste and pure. He kept seeing her asleep, engulfed by him. He saw the two of them cuddling. Playing with a dog on a seaside. Deep asleep at night, with a brunette child between them.
They weren't nightmares and yet they felt like it. Because he knew that despite how much he wanted for them to come true, it wasn't meant to be. It wasn't right. Teresa deserved better, someone just like Heist.
But she didn't want to understand it. She was always there. All he needed was space, and she wasn't willing to let him be. It was like she was scared of letting it go of him. And speaking of the devil...
"Ehy Jane, you want to get something? I feel like getting a sundae. A corrupted and evil judge sent behind bars is reason enough to celebrate with ice-cream in the middle of the day, right?"
He barely resisted the urge to grunt or say something extremely impolite, as much as she could deserve such a treatment; instead, he opened his eyes, and lazily he left his beloved spot on his couch. He wanted to sigh and shake his head. Two months ago Lisbon would have never asked him out to eat, in any way - it was more his kind of thing- and she would have woke him up by kicking the beloved piece of furniture. Now, instead, she made sure that he had always something to eat - sometimes proper food, sometimes just food for the "soul"- and she gently woke him up with a low, smiling voice and gentle touches.
Why was she making him fall in love with her a bit more every day? Why? What was that? Karma? Proof that God existed and He hated him?
"Ugh... no thanks. I think that the green filling of the sandwich I ate for dinner wasn't supposed to be green at all..."
She sighed, shaking her head, yet with a small smile. Sometimes, she just didn't get him. "Jane, if you just had one old sandwich in your fridge at the motel, why didn't you come to eat with me when I offered?" she asked. She really wanted to grunt. That man, he was impossible. Why wasn't he allowing her to take care of him? It was what she was best at, after all. The reason her brothers were happy, healthy and with no criminal record.
And then she saw it, his tell. Because when it came to her, Patrick Jane didn't have a perfect poker face any longer. She could always say when he was lying or not telling her something, nowadays, as much as he said the opposite. Maybe she didn't learn to lie in ten years of partnership, but oh boy, she knew him. She knew him better than what he thought. Maybe even better than he knew himself.
"Jane... you know, you are giving away that homeless vibe again." she told him matter of fact, and when he bit his lips and looked away she knew she was right. "Please tell me that it's not what I think." she closed her eyes and took a big breath. She liked to take care of people, but this man was making it very hard.
"I'm not completely sure how it may have happened, but I think I got blacklisted from every motel in the Sacramento area." He admitted. Well, actually, he thought he knew why he had ended up sleeping on a semi-permanent basis in the CBI attic. He was almost positive that word came out that whenever he went, big, deadly, murderous, police-related troubles followed. And if there was one thing that motel owners (and carnie people) hated, it was the police.
"Jane..." she said, sighing and with a low, sweet voice. Their eyes met, and he knew where she was going. She had already gone there after Red John's death, and he didn't have any intention of following her there. Things were already difficult enough.
"Lisbon, I'm not going to take your guest room." he said, louder then he intended, and harsher. She took a step back, trembling for a fraction of second, her body remembering that tone, acting on autopilot. He hated himself, even if he doubted that Teresa was aware of her reactions. Now, it was his time to sigh. "Lisbon, I'm not a stray cat."
"I've never acted like you..."
"Yes you did, Lisbon." he said, stopping her from ending the sentence. Because she wasn't being honest. She was acting like he was a stray cat. Hell, she acted like everyone was a stray cat. That was why her team was made of such... peculiar members. "Lisbon, you are that close to try to fluff my hair!" he added in an annoyed, child-like tone, his thumb and index finger almost touching.
"Now you are exaggerating..." she answered huffing, but he tried to resist smirking when she blushed. Oh, the lovely Lisbon had been tempted to pat his head just like he was a child or a kitty and now she didn't want to admit it. Sometimes she didn't get her. She knew that she wanted to look like an hard-assed cop to the rest of the world, but was it really necessary to act with him too? He believed she was aware that there was no need to hide her sweet nurturing nature with him. Unless... unless it was because she was still trying to put walls between them. Because she was still scared that he could hurt her.
Oh, wonderful. Now even the thought of dreaming of having a relationship with her made him feel guilty.
"But... are you at least trying to sleep?" he looked at her in a way that she immediately understood that he was yet again trying to make her see his point-that she acted like he was a poor lost creature found in the woods - and yet again she blushed. Well, she guessed he did have a point. But she couldn't help it. She wasn't ashamed of her nature, and she wasn't going to change herself for any man, not even Patrick Jane. "What? You do have dark shadows under the eyes. And it's not like I am blind." She defended herself.
"Lisbon... stop worrying about me. Because as far as I remember, a, I already had a homeless vibe when we met and b, these dark shadows were already there too."
"Maybe you should try to talk with someone.... I mean, I am here, but if you don't want to I think that maybe Doctor Miller would be willing to help you out..."
"Lisbon...." he just said her name, massaging at closed eyes the bridge of his nose. It was something more in her cords, but he just was having enough. He just... why was she torturing him like that? What did she want? He knew that she wanted to make it easier for him, that she just wanted to help, but she was doing the opposite. With every look, every touch, every word, she was just making him fall in love with her a bit more. And knowing that he just couldn't have her, that he wasn't allowed to...
"Listen, why don't you come to my place tonight? I've got a decent meal, and, if you don't want to sleep in the guest room, I'll let you stay on the couch. It's fine with me. I just want you to..."
She didn't end the sentence, but the words were still in the air, heavy between them. She wanted him there, and she wanted to be the one to heal him. Only, he knew it was wrong. Teresa was doing it with the best intentions, but he didn't want to make her break up with her boyfriend just to start something that couldn't work, nor he wanted to fall every day more in love with her just to look at her getting married and having a family with someone else. He had believed he could have been able to handle it, but now he knew that he had been delusional.
With the corner of the eye, he saw Heist leaving the elevator, checking the time to see if he could already ask Teresa to join him for dinner- it was just how considered he was - and without saying anything, Jane nodded in his direction, showing Teresa who was there.
"I don't think Peter would be happy to have me at his girlfriend's place." he added.
She nodded, blushing, suddenly aware of what many men would have believed, and she stood without saying anything more. With quick, heavy steps she joined Peter, and kissed him, embarrassed. It was quick and very caste, something Peter didn't like considered that he thought they were alone, but Lisbon had never been too passionate and wild with him, after all. But he had never complained: Peter liked that she was shy, stubborn and concentrated on her job, this was why he had fallen for her.
Once the elevator doors opened, she stopped before entering, and she turned one last time, looking in Jane's general direction. It was dark and the only reason she could see his silhouette was because she knew he was there. "Jane? I'll see you tomorrow, then?" She asked, a bit tentatively. It was like she was scared, like talking about Peter and having him there with her had broken some kind of secret spell between her and her consultant.
Jane stood, and with hands in his pockets he joined her. He stood a bit far, studying the duo, Peter always touching Teresa and marking his territory, Lisbon always divided between the two men of her life. Then and there, he decided that it was time to end it once and for all, it wasn't right for neither of them. She deserved better, but so did he.
"Actually Lisbon.... I talked with the Director, and... you were right. I need to talk with someone." he said, at low voice.
"Oh" she simply said, clearly surprised. And not only that. He could see in her eyes there was another emotion - fear - and he knew why. She knew what he was going to say, and as much as she had known it was going to happen, she had tried to stop it with all her might. It killed him to do so, but really, there was no other way.
"I am taking a leave of absence. I think... it could do me some good. Besides, we haven't been able to find Danny to tell him that he is dead so, I was thinking that maybe Sam and Pete could give me an hand... I want to be the one to tell him exactly what happened, and who he was. After losing Angie and Charlie that way, he deserves as much, don't you believe?"
"Yeah, sure, besides, you've always been adamant that the only reason you were here it was because you wanted to get Red John, right?" he didn't need to be close to her to know that her eyes were teary, that she was fisting her hands at her sides, that she was full of rage. He knew her. And it was hell to do such a thing to her, but it needed to be done. For both their sake.
"Yeah, you know, maybe getting back with the carnival and my family is just what I need to move on... remember who I used to be before all of this started."
"Yeah, well, in that case, Jane, good luck with the rest of your life" And grabbing Peter for an arm, she finally entered the elevator, turning her back on him once and for all, facing the truth: she had never meant anything for him. Like all the others, she was just a means to an end, and he had stayed just to kill Red John. With the killer dead, he had no reason at all to stay. He was free, and he could go back to his old life, to his old ways, the con-man, fake psych lothario.
As she went away, Jane wondered why, if it was the right thing, it hurt so much.
Chapter Three
She had always knew that one day Jane would be gone. For this reason, she thought she was going to be ready whenever it was going to happen. But the truth was, she wasn't. Saying the opposite would be just a lie. Her life felt cold and empty, and as much as she had always said that she didn't care about him, that she kept him around just because he closed cases... she simply missed him.
Jane had come to fill a place in heart she didn't know it needed to be filled to begin with. She had always thought that she had gotten stronger, that she didn't need anyone else after the betrayal of every member of her family. She wanted to be cool when alone, and she thought she had come to be in a place where she was in peace with herself, that she was all right and fine on her own. The only thing was, she had never realized that she had never been alone for the last ten years.
Jane had always been with her. He wasn't just around, but he was in every gift and in every word, in every coffee and , in every "I missed you". And she hadn’t know this until he was gone. She couldn't believe she had been that blind. And now... now, there was nothing she could do about it. Jane was gone. He had pushed her away and instead of trying to get him back she had pushed him away in return. So, so, wrong, and yet, there was nothing else she could do. Jane leaving was inevitable, she had always knew it. This was why she shouldn't feel sorry and bad. And yet, she did. And that just made her worse. Because despite feeling alone, she wasn't alone.
She had Peter, and for that, she was supposed to be grateful. And she was, but she couldn't bring herself to be completely happy about her relationship. She knew she shouldn't go and break people's heart, but sometimes she felt like their love -if it could even be called that way - was doomed. Yes, Peter was just perfect and loved her as no one before did (even Greg), but her heart was the problem. As much as she cared about him, she couldn't bring herself to fully commit to this man. Everybody kept telling her that she was crazy saying that she wasn't ready to get married to such a great cop, but she was scared. Deep down, Lisbon knew she was going for second best, and she knew it wasn't right.
And besides, she had always hoped that Jane one day would just take her there and there and promise her eternal love, so...
But dreams didn't always come true. She should have knew better. She should have learnt a long time ago, and yet that seemed to be a lesson she had yet to get right. But Teresa Lisbon was no little kid, no damsel in distress, so even if her heart was broken and she shared her bed with someone she didn't fully love, she acted all tough and told herself it was right, that it was enough.
At night, though, she couldn't hide from the truth.
She tried to stay at the office as late as possible, sometimes sitting on Jane's couch trying to see if she could still feel his scent, his persona there, but there was only coldness and void: despite Pete being there, her life was empty once again, just like it had been for so long after the loss of her parents.
And Pete... well, he knew that something was wrong, but he just couldn't get it right. It wasn't his fault, he was a good detective, she had just learnt from the best that there was- or maybe Pete was so in love he didn't want to see there was a problem. She didn't know. She wasn't even sure she wanted to, actually. Sometimes playing dumb could be the best option.
Dear Pete did his best. Poor man thought she was just stressed out, overwhelmed by Red John's departure. It had been the highlight of her career, getting him finally, unmasking the menace. Everybody wanted a piece of Teresa Lisbon now that she was the top cop in California and Nevada and maybe even the rest of the US of America. Hell... she was barely around, between trials, TV shows, interviews… everybody wanted to talk with her. Heist was just happy that at least Jane wasn't around any longer. His Teresa spent her whole free time getting him out of troubles. And if Teresa had a little bit more than free time... he could have his Teresa a little bit more for himself. For Peter, it was just that easy. He didn't see the truth- couldn’t, even. He was.... blinded by love, as nauseating as it sounded.
Nobody seemed to see her pain. She was getting thinner, paler, the shadows under her eyes darker and deeper with every passing day, but no one saw it. Either she was that good at covering it, or they were just too self-centered to understood that something was deeply, truly wrong with their boss and friend.
Well, there was actually someone who wasn't fooled completely by her act. And it was the person who knew her better alongside Jane. And the only one who apparently really cared about her well-being. Cho.
It was one morning, during a routine operation. They were sitting in her car, waiting for the green light to just raid the place, when, while she was wearing her vest, he stopped her with just his voice, looking for her eyes. She knew there was a reason he was the best interrogator around. Sometimes she even wondered why the military had allowed him to leave to begin with.
"Boss? I need to know if you feel like you can do this." That was another thing she loved about him -he knew how to get you to talk, and he knew which words he was supposed to use. He was straight-forward. It was good when you were a cop, she thought smiling a tiny bit, but she wondered if that wasn't also the reason his relationships never lasted more than six months.
"Sure I am ok, Cho." she simply said. "Why do you think that I am... well...unfit?"
"Boss, with due respect, but you are tired, and Larson is a loose cannon. We don't know what he will do when he'll realize he has been made. If you aren't ok working this op- and I don't think you are - you risk me too. And not just my career, but my life too."
She suppressed tears- also because she couldn't cry any longer, she had done so too much in the days following Jane's departure - and she finished getting ready. "Well, thanks, but don't you worry. I'm more than fit for the job. That's why I'm your boss, after all."
She was mad. Yes, a little part of her was glad that Cho had noticed that life couldn't be that perfect without Jane, especially for her, but she hated that he knew- that anyone knew - that she was such a frail little girl, heartbroken over her not so charming prince. Hell, she was bad ass senior agent in charge. She deserved some respect, right? Ok, she was suffering for a man, so what? She wasn't the first woman to feel that way, nor the last. But just because she just had her heart shattered and kicked it didn't mean that she wasn't able to do her job. She had always, always been a professional (ok, maybe just almost always. Especially if Jane was concerned). She couldn't believe that her right hand man... she trusted Cho with her own life, why couldn't he do the same thing? What, he believed that just because she was a woman she couldn't be in control because she had ended up a relationship of some kind? Classic men. Double standard.
She left the car slamming the door shout, all geared up, gun in hand, and walked towards the place. The house was huge, and it looked like a labyrinth of sort. Cho was right, mayhem was ready to ensure. Larson wasn't going to come down easily. She sighed, that was just what she needed to end her day.
She entered from one door, and Cho took the back. Slowly, she walked to where they assumed the perp was hiding, trying her best to see what was going on around her. And yet... yet, she knew she was on edge. Just hearing Cho saying so made her feel that way. It just... she had to keep it together. She had to remember herself that she was a good cop. That she could do all of this on her own. She didn't need Patrick Jane - nor on the job or in her life.
She kept taking big breaths, walking slowly, and yet she felt herself shaking. She was cold-sweating, and she got scared of herself. Since when she was so tired she couldn't be vigilante enough? Since when she was a frail little girl? She didn't need Patrick Jane to defend her. Jane wasn't there any longer. Thinking about him was just a waste of energy and concentration, both things fundamental in her job's description. Besides, all that bullshit about loving someone and letting them go, about the distance making you love more... it was just that. Bullshit filled with nonsense, pointless and useless.
She heard noises coming from one of the rooms, but the place, developed to be an exhibit of some sort, was a Daedalus. It was hard to say where the noises came from, and who was making them. Was someone running? Moving things? She just kept looking around, trying to get an answer to her inner questions. She felt desperate, almost scared, but then she breathed out in relief when she saw Cho right before her: it had been just him, it had to be!
And then...
"Lisbon!" he screamed, attempting to run towards her, but suddenly she felt someone grabbing her for the shoulders, a strong arm around her neck and a gun pointed at her head.
"You, copper, you move, the lady is as good as six feet under, you hear me?" He screamed as Cho pointed the gun at him. She wanted to cry, but she felt she was unable to. She was too scared. So scared she couldn't even sob. She was going to die, didn't she? So, that was the end, and the man who had promised to always save her wasn't around any longer to keep his promises once again. Ah. She guessed she didn't have to be surprised. She chuckled: Jane and his empty promises...
The gun against her skull made a sound, and she was ready to die when the bullet exploded and yet... she felt nothing. Was that how she felt being dead? She didn't feel any different. Did it mean that.... she was a ghost, that she wasn't in the afterlife? She didn't know. She just knew that... it felt.... it felt.... cold.
"Boss!" Cho screamed, and she finally, finally opened her eyes, and she gasped. Well, if that was the afterlife... it sucked big time. "Boss, you all right?" her right hand man asked. She nodded, not completely sure, and then she gasped once again as her eyes fell on the figure on the ground: Larson, dead, a bullet to the head. Cho had done it, Cho had saved her.
She cried. She finally, finally cried, burying her head in Cho's shirt. She would have never done so in any other situation, but this was different. She had almost died, he had saved her, she could have been dead because she was such a frail, stupid silly in love girl. and It wasn't right. For any of them. In silence, her second walked her out of the building, and as soon as they saw the light of the outside, he let it go of her- there was just so much Lisbon could handle, and one thing was looking frail to him, one of the people who knew her better, another was letting anyone see how really damaged she was.
She and Cho did the usual routine asked when a cop shot to a suspect, and then they waited for AI to arrive on the spot and retrieve their statements; she was talking with a young recruit, a girl who looked like Van Pelt in the early days, when she felt two strong arms capture her, and for a second she gasped, believing he was there. That he had somehow learnt of her fate, gotten scared, and decided to come back to them. To her.
But it wasn't Jane, she realized as he kissed her hair. It was Pete. Pete who was always going to be there. While Jane... Jane had left. And he wasn't returning. It was time to face reality and accept her fate. That was her hand, and it was right about time she accepted she had to play with those cards.
So, she cupped Peter's face, and kissed him, a peck on the lips, dictated by fear more than love, and she just said one word. One she should have said right when he had dropped the bomb weeks before, but she had been too stupid to just say it. Because she had believed in Jane. And yet again, he had betrayed her.
"Yes" she said "I will marry you."
Author: little_firestar
Artist: kathiann
Link to art: http://kathiann.livejournal.com/33044.html
Word Count:~ 16165
Rating:K+
Summary: In the aftermath of Red John’s death, Jane and Lisbon are faced with a future where they are not any longer in the shadow of a serial killer. But ten years are a long time, and not everything is how they had wanted it to be, and they’ll discover that staying together may be a mistake, but being lonely could be even worse.
Disclaimer: Nor the characters or the show belong to me. And this time around, there is not even an original character to claim as mine…
Notes: Future-fic, post Red John’s end. Spoiler-free. Amazing thanks to Kathiann and her inspiring art and fanmix. She did a really amazing job, she has been extremely inspiring and I’ll never get tired of saying this, but working with her on a Mentalist BigBang, of any kind, is always a pleasure.
Chapter One
At the end it wasn't like he had imagined it. Not at all.
When he had first sworn revenge, Jane had assumed that getting to end the serial killer's life would be enough to free him, but as soon as he saw the lifeless body on the ground, he realized that it wasn't as cathartic as he had always assumed. He didn't know what he had though until that moment. The fact that Red John was gone didn't really change anything for him. His past was still the same. His family was lost, and he still was responsible for their deaths.
And yet, at the same time, the fact that the serial killer was finally gone meant everything to him. He was free, he could bury his past, leave it behind as much as he could, and look forward to the future. It was really a strange sensation: Jane had never really believed those people who said that you could feel like crying and laughing at the same time, being ecstatic and desperate in the same instant. And yet, it was exactly as he felt.
And that was another part of the problem.
He knew how he felt. He also knew how he was supposed to feel thanks to books and thousands of people who thought they just had to get involved with his life, and yet he didn't know if it really was right. It wasn't just because it took him over ten years to really start to mourn his family in the proper way, but... it was hard to explain. It was just that, everybody had their opinion, and every book said the same thing in just a different way. Everything and everyone told him he had to move on, and he knew that many of them spoke out of first-hand knowledge, but no one really was in his own position. Everyone told him they knew how he felt, that everybody, just because they were survivors, felt guilty, but it wasn't the case. He was guilty.
Yes, he knew he hadn't killed them with his own hands, and yet, it was exactly where their blood was. It was his fault if his family was no more, because he had been a greedy, full-functioning sociopathic, self-centered con artist and he had spoken too much about things he didn't really have a saying into. He had always, always, believed that getting to kill Red John would have freed him, he had never doubted it, and yet, he had been wrong. Red John was gone. He was alive. And he didn't feel any better.
"Jane..." A tiny, soft, delicate hand went to his shoulder, and he turned to look at Lisbon. He could see relief in her features - because he was alive and Red John wasn't - but also fear. He felt like there were so many things he had to tell her, things that now he could say at loud, but he found out that he didn't have the strength to. He wanted to laugh. to cry, to live, to die... but mostly, he wanted to just ask her to open her arms and take him in, to allow him to cry on her shoulder and let him fall asleep there. He wanted to ask her to be there for him, to mend his broken heart, but the words didn't come out. Just like she hadn't been able to say nothing more than his surname, he couldn't add anything to his intake of breath.
His family was gone. Red John was gone. He was alive. Lisbon was alive. He wanted to live. And he wanted to do so with her, but he wasn't sure he could.
She was just too much. Oh, he wasn't stupid. He knew she wasn't perfect, far from it, but that wasn't the problem. It was just that she deserved better. He was so... small, broken, imperfect and... he was just so, so bad. Sometimes he thought he had the magic touch of ruining everything he cared for, also when Red John wasn't part of the equation. How many of his relationships had been ruined, even before he crossed paths with the serial killer? Everyone he cared for, they eventually either abandon him or got abandoned by him, and if the choice was between having Lisbon as a friend, or even just as his boss, and not having her at all, there wasn't really any choice. It was just that easy.
He didn't want to lose her, and he wanted more than what he had right now, probably more than he was allowed to have. But he felt like it wasn't meant to be. Yes, they both wanted the same thing- a future together- but he wasn't that kind of man any longer. Maybe they could have been happy together in another time, another life, but now he couldn't give her what she wanted. What she deserved. Having a family, love, together, just to have it all tainted by the darkness of his past, shattered by his broken soul, it just wasn't right. Lisbon wanted it all, and it all was what she deserved. And he knew she could still have it, just not with him. But he knew just the right man: her man.
Peter was just perfect for her. He worked in law enforcement as well, in a white-collared position, and he understood her and her needs. He was a good Catholic from a loving family, an Ivy League graduate... he wasn't just the better man, he was the perfect one for Lisbon. He knew that when she had accepted to go out with him she hadn’t even just wanted to make her consultant jealous, she was simply looking for a rebound to have good old fashioned sex with. She wanted a one night stand, and not a relationship, but Jane had eventually pushed them towards each other, and now here they were. Lisbon had been dating the guy for over six months, and if she thought that now that Red John was gone he would have tried to steal her away from her prince, well, she was wrong.
And, just like that... here he was, detective Peter Heist, Sacramento PD, Major Crimes Unit. Not that it really was a surprise. Heist was working the case too, and he knew that they were going to end it all that very night. Jane assumed he was a tiny bit mad about not having Red John taken in alive- it would have been good for the spotlight, in case he would have decided to eventually run for Sheriff. Besides, there was also the tiny particular about Lisbon being his girlfriend/soon to be bride-to-be. And, even if Heist could be an ass and they hated each other with a passion, the man honestly loved Lisbon. Even if he hadn't worked the case, Jane was sure he would have eventually joined them on the scene, just to see how his girlfriend was doing.
"Reese? Are you all right?" Heist joined them, an arm around Lisbon's waist -to protect her, but also to remember whom she belonged to - and when Jane saw his eyes darken at the sight of the serial killer's body, he knew he had been right. The guy was mad, indeed. Oh well, he thought trying to repress a smirk, one couldn't have it all from life...
"We're fine. Just our luck Jane improved with guns..." she said. Her voice was laced with fear, relief and something else he couldn't point out exactly. He wondered if she was somehow... happy, knowing that he had gotten what he wanted-murderous vengeance- and yet he was still free. He had really acted on self-defense, there was no denying it. He had kept his promise to her, he had done things just like she wanted them to. He hadn't killed only because he wanted to. It was because he didn't have any choice, it was either the killer or himself. She had to be proud of herself, she had gotten so much under his skin that he had to follow her path, no matter what.
So, maybe....
But then, as soon as he dared to imagine a future with that beautiful woman, he fisted his hands at his sides. He couldn't risk losing her. He didn't have any right to ruin either her or Peter's happiness. Getting involved in things he didn't have a saying into always resulted in bad things happening, and he was sick and tired of it.
He looked at her leaving the warehouse, Peter's arm still around her, and as much as he wanted to be happy for his friend, he just couldn't. But maybe, faking happiness, being miserable for the rest of his days was just a fitting punishment for his youthful hubris.
Besides, it was better having her in his life that way, than not having her at all.
Or at least, he hoped that he could really think that in due time.
Chapter Two
He really thought it would get easier. Well, it was time for Patrick Jane to face the truth: looking at Lisbon being happy and in love with someone else wasn't the piece of cake he had assumed it was going to be. Not that he had really thought that it could be that easy, but he had hoped that with time he would have been ok with her being with someone else, that he could be happy for her. Well, he had been wrong. And if Hell existed... it looked exactly like that.
But looking at her all smiles and secret touches with Heist wasn't even the worst part. No. Teresa herself was making it harder to handle. Because she couldn't help but being yet again Saint Teresa, savior of all things Jane. She was always around. Had he wanted to escape her - which he wasn't sure he wanted - there was just no way out. She was always there for and with him. Either when he was awake and asleep.
He wondered if his mind was trying to telling him something, with those constant dreams he was having of her. He had never really been in touch with himself. He had always found his mind a scary place, dark and lonely, filled with anger, despair and regrets. When it came to other people, he often used what they dreamt and hoped for, just to get what he wanted when he wanted (and needed) it, but with himself it was different. Before Red John fell, dreams had been a scary occurrence, something he avoided with all his might, and on the rare instances he dreamt and it wasn't about bloody smiles and murder, he just couldn't be bothered with analyzing it. He didn't have time to think about himself, he had to concentrate on getting Red John, killing him, getting vengeance.
But now...
Now, it was all different. It wasn't like he wanted to dream or think about his dreams or what they could mean. It just was that now couldn't help it. He had all this free time, and he didn't know how to use it, so of course his mind kept going always in the same place-Lisbon, and the dreams he was having about her, all those tiny details that others would define insignificant that were imprinted forever and ever in his mind, thanks to that wonderful memory palace he had started to hate.
And only if they had been erotic dreams... but no. He could have been able to handle erotica. He had been quite the lothario in his youngster years, prior to Angela, lust wasn't something he wasn't accustomed to. Lust he could handle, he was in full control of his body, after all. But no. It wasn't about the sex. He didn't want her merely for her body. Nope. His dreams were caste and pure. He kept seeing her asleep, engulfed by him. He saw the two of them cuddling. Playing with a dog on a seaside. Deep asleep at night, with a brunette child between them.
They weren't nightmares and yet they felt like it. Because he knew that despite how much he wanted for them to come true, it wasn't meant to be. It wasn't right. Teresa deserved better, someone just like Heist.
But she didn't want to understand it. She was always there. All he needed was space, and she wasn't willing to let him be. It was like she was scared of letting it go of him. And speaking of the devil...
"Ehy Jane, you want to get something? I feel like getting a sundae. A corrupted and evil judge sent behind bars is reason enough to celebrate with ice-cream in the middle of the day, right?"
He barely resisted the urge to grunt or say something extremely impolite, as much as she could deserve such a treatment; instead, he opened his eyes, and lazily he left his beloved spot on his couch. He wanted to sigh and shake his head. Two months ago Lisbon would have never asked him out to eat, in any way - it was more his kind of thing- and she would have woke him up by kicking the beloved piece of furniture. Now, instead, she made sure that he had always something to eat - sometimes proper food, sometimes just food for the "soul"- and she gently woke him up with a low, smiling voice and gentle touches.
Why was she making him fall in love with her a bit more every day? Why? What was that? Karma? Proof that God existed and He hated him?
"Ugh... no thanks. I think that the green filling of the sandwich I ate for dinner wasn't supposed to be green at all..."
She sighed, shaking her head, yet with a small smile. Sometimes, she just didn't get him. "Jane, if you just had one old sandwich in your fridge at the motel, why didn't you come to eat with me when I offered?" she asked. She really wanted to grunt. That man, he was impossible. Why wasn't he allowing her to take care of him? It was what she was best at, after all. The reason her brothers were happy, healthy and with no criminal record.
And then she saw it, his tell. Because when it came to her, Patrick Jane didn't have a perfect poker face any longer. She could always say when he was lying or not telling her something, nowadays, as much as he said the opposite. Maybe she didn't learn to lie in ten years of partnership, but oh boy, she knew him. She knew him better than what he thought. Maybe even better than he knew himself.
"Jane... you know, you are giving away that homeless vibe again." she told him matter of fact, and when he bit his lips and looked away she knew she was right. "Please tell me that it's not what I think." she closed her eyes and took a big breath. She liked to take care of people, but this man was making it very hard.
"I'm not completely sure how it may have happened, but I think I got blacklisted from every motel in the Sacramento area." He admitted. Well, actually, he thought he knew why he had ended up sleeping on a semi-permanent basis in the CBI attic. He was almost positive that word came out that whenever he went, big, deadly, murderous, police-related troubles followed. And if there was one thing that motel owners (and carnie people) hated, it was the police.
"Jane..." she said, sighing and with a low, sweet voice. Their eyes met, and he knew where she was going. She had already gone there after Red John's death, and he didn't have any intention of following her there. Things were already difficult enough.
"Lisbon, I'm not going to take your guest room." he said, louder then he intended, and harsher. She took a step back, trembling for a fraction of second, her body remembering that tone, acting on autopilot. He hated himself, even if he doubted that Teresa was aware of her reactions. Now, it was his time to sigh. "Lisbon, I'm not a stray cat."
"I've never acted like you..."
"Yes you did, Lisbon." he said, stopping her from ending the sentence. Because she wasn't being honest. She was acting like he was a stray cat. Hell, she acted like everyone was a stray cat. That was why her team was made of such... peculiar members. "Lisbon, you are that close to try to fluff my hair!" he added in an annoyed, child-like tone, his thumb and index finger almost touching.
"Now you are exaggerating..." she answered huffing, but he tried to resist smirking when she blushed. Oh, the lovely Lisbon had been tempted to pat his head just like he was a child or a kitty and now she didn't want to admit it. Sometimes she didn't get her. She knew that she wanted to look like an hard-assed cop to the rest of the world, but was it really necessary to act with him too? He believed she was aware that there was no need to hide her sweet nurturing nature with him. Unless... unless it was because she was still trying to put walls between them. Because she was still scared that he could hurt her.
Oh, wonderful. Now even the thought of dreaming of having a relationship with her made him feel guilty.
"But... are you at least trying to sleep?" he looked at her in a way that she immediately understood that he was yet again trying to make her see his point-that she acted like he was a poor lost creature found in the woods - and yet again she blushed. Well, she guessed he did have a point. But she couldn't help it. She wasn't ashamed of her nature, and she wasn't going to change herself for any man, not even Patrick Jane. "What? You do have dark shadows under the eyes. And it's not like I am blind." She defended herself.
"Lisbon... stop worrying about me. Because as far as I remember, a, I already had a homeless vibe when we met and b, these dark shadows were already there too."
"Maybe you should try to talk with someone.... I mean, I am here, but if you don't want to I think that maybe Doctor Miller would be willing to help you out..."
"Lisbon...." he just said her name, massaging at closed eyes the bridge of his nose. It was something more in her cords, but he just was having enough. He just... why was she torturing him like that? What did she want? He knew that she wanted to make it easier for him, that she just wanted to help, but she was doing the opposite. With every look, every touch, every word, she was just making him fall in love with her a bit more. And knowing that he just couldn't have her, that he wasn't allowed to...
"Listen, why don't you come to my place tonight? I've got a decent meal, and, if you don't want to sleep in the guest room, I'll let you stay on the couch. It's fine with me. I just want you to..."
She didn't end the sentence, but the words were still in the air, heavy between them. She wanted him there, and she wanted to be the one to heal him. Only, he knew it was wrong. Teresa was doing it with the best intentions, but he didn't want to make her break up with her boyfriend just to start something that couldn't work, nor he wanted to fall every day more in love with her just to look at her getting married and having a family with someone else. He had believed he could have been able to handle it, but now he knew that he had been delusional.
With the corner of the eye, he saw Heist leaving the elevator, checking the time to see if he could already ask Teresa to join him for dinner- it was just how considered he was - and without saying anything, Jane nodded in his direction, showing Teresa who was there.
"I don't think Peter would be happy to have me at his girlfriend's place." he added.
She nodded, blushing, suddenly aware of what many men would have believed, and she stood without saying anything more. With quick, heavy steps she joined Peter, and kissed him, embarrassed. It was quick and very caste, something Peter didn't like considered that he thought they were alone, but Lisbon had never been too passionate and wild with him, after all. But he had never complained: Peter liked that she was shy, stubborn and concentrated on her job, this was why he had fallen for her.
Once the elevator doors opened, she stopped before entering, and she turned one last time, looking in Jane's general direction. It was dark and the only reason she could see his silhouette was because she knew he was there. "Jane? I'll see you tomorrow, then?" She asked, a bit tentatively. It was like she was scared, like talking about Peter and having him there with her had broken some kind of secret spell between her and her consultant.
Jane stood, and with hands in his pockets he joined her. He stood a bit far, studying the duo, Peter always touching Teresa and marking his territory, Lisbon always divided between the two men of her life. Then and there, he decided that it was time to end it once and for all, it wasn't right for neither of them. She deserved better, but so did he.
"Actually Lisbon.... I talked with the Director, and... you were right. I need to talk with someone." he said, at low voice.
"Oh" she simply said, clearly surprised. And not only that. He could see in her eyes there was another emotion - fear - and he knew why. She knew what he was going to say, and as much as she had known it was going to happen, she had tried to stop it with all her might. It killed him to do so, but really, there was no other way.
"I am taking a leave of absence. I think... it could do me some good. Besides, we haven't been able to find Danny to tell him that he is dead so, I was thinking that maybe Sam and Pete could give me an hand... I want to be the one to tell him exactly what happened, and who he was. After losing Angie and Charlie that way, he deserves as much, don't you believe?"
"Yeah, sure, besides, you've always been adamant that the only reason you were here it was because you wanted to get Red John, right?" he didn't need to be close to her to know that her eyes were teary, that she was fisting her hands at her sides, that she was full of rage. He knew her. And it was hell to do such a thing to her, but it needed to be done. For both their sake.
"Yeah, you know, maybe getting back with the carnival and my family is just what I need to move on... remember who I used to be before all of this started."
"Yeah, well, in that case, Jane, good luck with the rest of your life" And grabbing Peter for an arm, she finally entered the elevator, turning her back on him once and for all, facing the truth: she had never meant anything for him. Like all the others, she was just a means to an end, and he had stayed just to kill Red John. With the killer dead, he had no reason at all to stay. He was free, and he could go back to his old life, to his old ways, the con-man, fake psych lothario.
As she went away, Jane wondered why, if it was the right thing, it hurt so much.
Chapter Three
She had always knew that one day Jane would be gone. For this reason, she thought she was going to be ready whenever it was going to happen. But the truth was, she wasn't. Saying the opposite would be just a lie. Her life felt cold and empty, and as much as she had always said that she didn't care about him, that she kept him around just because he closed cases... she simply missed him.
Jane had come to fill a place in heart she didn't know it needed to be filled to begin with. She had always thought that she had gotten stronger, that she didn't need anyone else after the betrayal of every member of her family. She wanted to be cool when alone, and she thought she had come to be in a place where she was in peace with herself, that she was all right and fine on her own. The only thing was, she had never realized that she had never been alone for the last ten years.
Jane had always been with her. He wasn't just around, but he was in every gift and in every word, in every coffee and , in every "I missed you". And she hadn’t know this until he was gone. She couldn't believe she had been that blind. And now... now, there was nothing she could do about it. Jane was gone. He had pushed her away and instead of trying to get him back she had pushed him away in return. So, so, wrong, and yet, there was nothing else she could do. Jane leaving was inevitable, she had always knew it. This was why she shouldn't feel sorry and bad. And yet, she did. And that just made her worse. Because despite feeling alone, she wasn't alone.
She had Peter, and for that, she was supposed to be grateful. And she was, but she couldn't bring herself to be completely happy about her relationship. She knew she shouldn't go and break people's heart, but sometimes she felt like their love -if it could even be called that way - was doomed. Yes, Peter was just perfect and loved her as no one before did (even Greg), but her heart was the problem. As much as she cared about him, she couldn't bring herself to fully commit to this man. Everybody kept telling her that she was crazy saying that she wasn't ready to get married to such a great cop, but she was scared. Deep down, Lisbon knew she was going for second best, and she knew it wasn't right.
And besides, she had always hoped that Jane one day would just take her there and there and promise her eternal love, so...
But dreams didn't always come true. She should have knew better. She should have learnt a long time ago, and yet that seemed to be a lesson she had yet to get right. But Teresa Lisbon was no little kid, no damsel in distress, so even if her heart was broken and she shared her bed with someone she didn't fully love, she acted all tough and told herself it was right, that it was enough.
At night, though, she couldn't hide from the truth.
She tried to stay at the office as late as possible, sometimes sitting on Jane's couch trying to see if she could still feel his scent, his persona there, but there was only coldness and void: despite Pete being there, her life was empty once again, just like it had been for so long after the loss of her parents.
And Pete... well, he knew that something was wrong, but he just couldn't get it right. It wasn't his fault, he was a good detective, she had just learnt from the best that there was- or maybe Pete was so in love he didn't want to see there was a problem. She didn't know. She wasn't even sure she wanted to, actually. Sometimes playing dumb could be the best option.
Dear Pete did his best. Poor man thought she was just stressed out, overwhelmed by Red John's departure. It had been the highlight of her career, getting him finally, unmasking the menace. Everybody wanted a piece of Teresa Lisbon now that she was the top cop in California and Nevada and maybe even the rest of the US of America. Hell... she was barely around, between trials, TV shows, interviews… everybody wanted to talk with her. Heist was just happy that at least Jane wasn't around any longer. His Teresa spent her whole free time getting him out of troubles. And if Teresa had a little bit more than free time... he could have his Teresa a little bit more for himself. For Peter, it was just that easy. He didn't see the truth- couldn’t, even. He was.... blinded by love, as nauseating as it sounded.
Nobody seemed to see her pain. She was getting thinner, paler, the shadows under her eyes darker and deeper with every passing day, but no one saw it. Either she was that good at covering it, or they were just too self-centered to understood that something was deeply, truly wrong with their boss and friend.
Well, there was actually someone who wasn't fooled completely by her act. And it was the person who knew her better alongside Jane. And the only one who apparently really cared about her well-being. Cho.
It was one morning, during a routine operation. They were sitting in her car, waiting for the green light to just raid the place, when, while she was wearing her vest, he stopped her with just his voice, looking for her eyes. She knew there was a reason he was the best interrogator around. Sometimes she even wondered why the military had allowed him to leave to begin with.
"Boss? I need to know if you feel like you can do this." That was another thing she loved about him -he knew how to get you to talk, and he knew which words he was supposed to use. He was straight-forward. It was good when you were a cop, she thought smiling a tiny bit, but she wondered if that wasn't also the reason his relationships never lasted more than six months.
"Sure I am ok, Cho." she simply said. "Why do you think that I am... well...unfit?"
"Boss, with due respect, but you are tired, and Larson is a loose cannon. We don't know what he will do when he'll realize he has been made. If you aren't ok working this op- and I don't think you are - you risk me too. And not just my career, but my life too."
She suppressed tears- also because she couldn't cry any longer, she had done so too much in the days following Jane's departure - and she finished getting ready. "Well, thanks, but don't you worry. I'm more than fit for the job. That's why I'm your boss, after all."
She was mad. Yes, a little part of her was glad that Cho had noticed that life couldn't be that perfect without Jane, especially for her, but she hated that he knew- that anyone knew - that she was such a frail little girl, heartbroken over her not so charming prince. Hell, she was bad ass senior agent in charge. She deserved some respect, right? Ok, she was suffering for a man, so what? She wasn't the first woman to feel that way, nor the last. But just because she just had her heart shattered and kicked it didn't mean that she wasn't able to do her job. She had always, always been a professional (ok, maybe just almost always. Especially if Jane was concerned). She couldn't believe that her right hand man... she trusted Cho with her own life, why couldn't he do the same thing? What, he believed that just because she was a woman she couldn't be in control because she had ended up a relationship of some kind? Classic men. Double standard.
She left the car slamming the door shout, all geared up, gun in hand, and walked towards the place. The house was huge, and it looked like a labyrinth of sort. Cho was right, mayhem was ready to ensure. Larson wasn't going to come down easily. She sighed, that was just what she needed to end her day.
She entered from one door, and Cho took the back. Slowly, she walked to where they assumed the perp was hiding, trying her best to see what was going on around her. And yet... yet, she knew she was on edge. Just hearing Cho saying so made her feel that way. It just... she had to keep it together. She had to remember herself that she was a good cop. That she could do all of this on her own. She didn't need Patrick Jane - nor on the job or in her life.
She kept taking big breaths, walking slowly, and yet she felt herself shaking. She was cold-sweating, and she got scared of herself. Since when she was so tired she couldn't be vigilante enough? Since when she was a frail little girl? She didn't need Patrick Jane to defend her. Jane wasn't there any longer. Thinking about him was just a waste of energy and concentration, both things fundamental in her job's description. Besides, all that bullshit about loving someone and letting them go, about the distance making you love more... it was just that. Bullshit filled with nonsense, pointless and useless.
She heard noises coming from one of the rooms, but the place, developed to be an exhibit of some sort, was a Daedalus. It was hard to say where the noises came from, and who was making them. Was someone running? Moving things? She just kept looking around, trying to get an answer to her inner questions. She felt desperate, almost scared, but then she breathed out in relief when she saw Cho right before her: it had been just him, it had to be!
And then...
"Lisbon!" he screamed, attempting to run towards her, but suddenly she felt someone grabbing her for the shoulders, a strong arm around her neck and a gun pointed at her head.
"You, copper, you move, the lady is as good as six feet under, you hear me?" He screamed as Cho pointed the gun at him. She wanted to cry, but she felt she was unable to. She was too scared. So scared she couldn't even sob. She was going to die, didn't she? So, that was the end, and the man who had promised to always save her wasn't around any longer to keep his promises once again. Ah. She guessed she didn't have to be surprised. She chuckled: Jane and his empty promises...
The gun against her skull made a sound, and she was ready to die when the bullet exploded and yet... she felt nothing. Was that how she felt being dead? She didn't feel any different. Did it mean that.... she was a ghost, that she wasn't in the afterlife? She didn't know. She just knew that... it felt.... it felt.... cold.
"Boss!" Cho screamed, and she finally, finally opened her eyes, and she gasped. Well, if that was the afterlife... it sucked big time. "Boss, you all right?" her right hand man asked. She nodded, not completely sure, and then she gasped once again as her eyes fell on the figure on the ground: Larson, dead, a bullet to the head. Cho had done it, Cho had saved her.
She cried. She finally, finally cried, burying her head in Cho's shirt. She would have never done so in any other situation, but this was different. She had almost died, he had saved her, she could have been dead because she was such a frail, stupid silly in love girl. and It wasn't right. For any of them. In silence, her second walked her out of the building, and as soon as they saw the light of the outside, he let it go of her- there was just so much Lisbon could handle, and one thing was looking frail to him, one of the people who knew her better, another was letting anyone see how really damaged she was.
She and Cho did the usual routine asked when a cop shot to a suspect, and then they waited for AI to arrive on the spot and retrieve their statements; she was talking with a young recruit, a girl who looked like Van Pelt in the early days, when she felt two strong arms capture her, and for a second she gasped, believing he was there. That he had somehow learnt of her fate, gotten scared, and decided to come back to them. To her.
But it wasn't Jane, she realized as he kissed her hair. It was Pete. Pete who was always going to be there. While Jane... Jane had left. And he wasn't returning. It was time to face reality and accept her fate. That was her hand, and it was right about time she accepted she had to play with those cards.
So, she cupped Peter's face, and kissed him, a peck on the lips, dictated by fear more than love, and she just said one word. One she should have said right when he had dropped the bomb weeks before, but she had been too stupid to just say it. Because she had believed in Jane. And yet again, he had betrayed her.
"Yes" she said "I will marry you."