FIC: I'm Not Alright, But Neither Are You
A short, sad, probably depressing fic set during 2x02 and 2x03, looking at Dean's state of mind.
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Sam, Dean
Word count: 498
Summary: Dean pretends he's ok so Sam can deal with his own grief.
Disclaimer: not mine, obviously.
I'm Not Alright, But Neither Are You
Dean sees the way Sam stares blankly at the computer screen for minutes at a time, not scrolling, not clicking, just staring, before he comes back to reality with a jump. He sees the way Sam fingers the journal gently, like it’s a living thing, like it’s a link they have to a past they’ve lost. He sees the way Sam’s eyes are dark and hurting and bloodshot from lack of sleep, in the split second Dean can make eye contact, before Sam’s eyes slide away. Neither of them says much. There’s nothing Dean can say that’ll heal Sam’s heart right now; no amount of “it’s ok, Sammy” will make things ok, not this time. So Dean just fills Sam’s plate with the regular amount at dinner, encouraging him to eat, and pretends he’s not nearly gagging as he tries to swallow past the lump in his throat that’s been present nearly every waking moment since that day in the hospital. Dean gives Sam extra coffee so he doesn’t have to face the nightmares, and hides the fact that he also put an extra shot in his own. When Sam asks if he’s ok, the lie slips easily off his tongue, but he thinks he’s not as convincing as he could be, because Sam’s face falls like he knows Dean’s lying to him. Dean pretends he’s ok so Sam can fall apart and know his older brother will be there to pick up the pieces. He pretends he’s ok so Sam can deal with his own grief without worrying about Dean’s. But Sam is Sam, and he knows Dean’s not ok, no matter how much he insists he is.
“I'm not all right. Not at all,” Sam says, his eyes filling with tears again, “But neither are you.”
Dean feels the lump in his throat growing so big it’s almost choking him. Sam’s right - Dean’s not alright. Dad’s dead, gave his life to save Dean, and there’s a constant weight on Dean’s heart these days. It might not have been directly Dean’s fault, but Dad’s dead because of him. And it’s his job to stay strong for Sam, help him get through this. So he waits until Sam walks away, and then the crowbar in his hand becomes a weapon that he smashes against metal and glass, pretending for a moment that the cars are the enemies, and specifically the demons who took his family away. But the fury dissipates too soon, leaving a hollow feeling in his gut, and he pretends it’s tiredness that’s making his eyes burn and the junkyard around him blurry. If Sam notices the new dents in the Impala the next time he comes out, he doesn’t say anything. Dean pretends nothing happened, and they still don’t talk much. When they hit the road again, who can blame Dean for treating his car with just a bit more respect than before? After all, his dad gave him this car.
END
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Sam, Dean
Word count: 498
Summary: Dean pretends he's ok so Sam can deal with his own grief.
Disclaimer: not mine, obviously.
I'm Not Alright, But Neither Are You
Dean sees the way Sam stares blankly at the computer screen for minutes at a time, not scrolling, not clicking, just staring, before he comes back to reality with a jump. He sees the way Sam fingers the journal gently, like it’s a living thing, like it’s a link they have to a past they’ve lost. He sees the way Sam’s eyes are dark and hurting and bloodshot from lack of sleep, in the split second Dean can make eye contact, before Sam’s eyes slide away. Neither of them says much. There’s nothing Dean can say that’ll heal Sam’s heart right now; no amount of “it’s ok, Sammy” will make things ok, not this time. So Dean just fills Sam’s plate with the regular amount at dinner, encouraging him to eat, and pretends he’s not nearly gagging as he tries to swallow past the lump in his throat that’s been present nearly every waking moment since that day in the hospital. Dean gives Sam extra coffee so he doesn’t have to face the nightmares, and hides the fact that he also put an extra shot in his own. When Sam asks if he’s ok, the lie slips easily off his tongue, but he thinks he’s not as convincing as he could be, because Sam’s face falls like he knows Dean’s lying to him. Dean pretends he’s ok so Sam can fall apart and know his older brother will be there to pick up the pieces. He pretends he’s ok so Sam can deal with his own grief without worrying about Dean’s. But Sam is Sam, and he knows Dean’s not ok, no matter how much he insists he is.
“I'm not all right. Not at all,” Sam says, his eyes filling with tears again, “But neither are you.”
Dean feels the lump in his throat growing so big it’s almost choking him. Sam’s right - Dean’s not alright. Dad’s dead, gave his life to save Dean, and there’s a constant weight on Dean’s heart these days. It might not have been directly Dean’s fault, but Dad’s dead because of him. And it’s his job to stay strong for Sam, help him get through this. So he waits until Sam walks away, and then the crowbar in his hand becomes a weapon that he smashes against metal and glass, pretending for a moment that the cars are the enemies, and specifically the demons who took his family away. But the fury dissipates too soon, leaving a hollow feeling in his gut, and he pretends it’s tiredness that’s making his eyes burn and the junkyard around him blurry. If Sam notices the new dents in the Impala the next time he comes out, he doesn’t say anything. Dean pretends nothing happened, and they still don’t talk much. When they hit the road again, who can blame Dean for treating his car with just a bit more respect than before? After all, his dad gave him this car.
END