Feedleash log 16/8-07.
Barley says:
*Nathan has left Trashbat - Pingu can lock up and that - and arrives at Naboo's door. Knocks*
Claire says:
*is on the couch, already pretty stoned*
*doesn't feel like moving, until she remembers Nathan's coming over*
*gets up wearily for the door*
*opens it*
Hi.
Barley says:
*nods* All right?
Claire says:
*shrugs listlessly*
Barley says:
*not too sure how to answer* That's a no, then?
Wanna go now, or..?
Claire says:
It's a 'I don't know anymore.' *looks down at her bare feet* Yeah... one second.
*back up the stairs, slips on her most beat-up trainers, then comes back*
Barley says:
Yeah, I wouldn't know what it's like, y'know, someone dying...
My grandfather died, but that's ages ago...
*stops, thinking maybe it's best not to talk about dead people right now*
Claire says:
*unexpectedly, avoiding the subject of death* You weren't thinking of going somewhere nice, were you?
Because... I don't look so good.
Barley says:
Uh.
Well, sorta?
*glances at her shoes but looks away quickly*
Claire says:
*shuts the Nabootique door behind her*
*mumbles* I don't really know about.... being seen by nice people.
Barley says:
*shrugs* We can go anywhere you like. Thoughts?
Claire says:
*her first thought is 'take me somewhere awful,' but that doesn't seem like the best thing to say*
*shrugs* I guess... just somewhere where I won't know anyone. It can be nice or... whatever.
Barley says:
*thinks* Yeah. I dunno. You know most of the places 'round here, yeah?
Pub?
Wander a couple of streets down, might find something?
Claire says:
There's one a few blocks that way. *points* Black Swan, or something. I've never been in but it should do.
Barley says:
Sounds good.
Show the way, yeah?
Claire says:
*starts off, hands stuffed in her pockets, looking straight ahead and not saying much*
Barley says:
*follows and catches up, falling into step next to her, glancing at her now and then, uncertain whether or not to speak. Decides to let her have the first word*
Claire says:
*several minutes pass in silence* *finally, she manages:* How was your thing? Family reunion.
Barley says:
*wrinkles his nose* It was okay. You know families.
*oh, fuck*
*that wasn't the right thing to say, was it*
Claire says:
*lets out a strained laugh*
Yeah.
Barley says:
*smiles awkwardly, still uncertain how to handle this: he's not good with deep, unhappy things; he much prefers happy, pointless things* Yeah.
But, y'know, it was okay.
We had some laughs, at least.
Until I sorta, y'know, ran away...
Claire says:
What'd you do that for?
Barley says:
It wasn't really running away. Just, I left.
It was a party, but then I had to help with all the stuff 'round the house and that.
I've got stuff to do here. Y'know?
Claire says:
*nods firmly, quite supportive* Yeah, whatever. Got your own life to lead.
London calling.
Barley says:
*wants to say 'Yeah! I'm not my Mama's servant', but decides not to*
*points ahead* That's it, yeah?, the Black Swan?
Claire says:
*nods, then reaches into her back pocket* I need a smoke first.
God, hate the fucking law.
*holds packet out* Want?
Barley says:
*shrugs* Yeah, all right.
*takes one*
The law makes clubs smell of sweat and farts, lots of fun, yeah? *shakes his head*
Claire says:
*lights his first, then her own*
Barley says:
Cheers.
Claire says:
*darkly* Clean air doesn't exist anyway. *bit spooked by her own tone, and tries for a half-hearted smile*
Barley says:
*raises his eyebrows at her and nods slowly* Yeah...
*takes a drag instead, at least now his hands have something to do and he has something else to think about*
Claire says:
So... *gives him sidelong look* You pull at the reunion?
Barley says:
*gives her a mock-scandalised look* Family reunion, Claire. *Family*. Honestly.
Claire says:
*raises eyebrows* What about lovely cousin Amanda?
Barley says:
*rolls eyes* Have you been talking to Naboo?
She's my *cousin*.
Claire says:
I live with Naboo, of course I've been talking to him.
*smirks* Cousin, whatever. You'd shag her.
Barley says:
Note to self: don't tell Naboo anything ever.
That is... That's just sick.
Claire!
Claire says:
*rolls eyes* Oh god, don't pretend to be a prude, Nathan.
Barley says:
I'm not a prude. I just don't do incest, yeah? *can't help smiling* What you and Dan do is none of my business, but it's not my thing, yeah?
*takes another drag of his cigarette, rolling his eyes*
Claire says:
*exhales forcefully* Ha-ha. Now you know how the incest jibes feel.
Barley says:
*smiles broader* Doesn't mean I'm gonna stop, does it.
Claire says:
*shudders visibly*
Barley says:
*concerned now* You all right?
Claire says:
*tosses her cig-end into the street* Yeah. Want to go in?
Barley says:
Yeah.
*takes a final drag, drops his cigarette and steps on it*
Claire says:
*enters the pub - it's about half-full, mostly with working class folks, a few trendies here and there*
*looks pretty anonymous, and she nods in approval*
Barley says:
*follows, looks around. It's okay, he supposes*
*points at a table in the corner* There?
Claire says:
*nods and heads for it*
*already wishes she could have another cigarette*
Barley says:
*follows, catches up, passes her and pulls out her chair*
Claire says:
*flashes him a 'aren't you the gallant?' look before sitting down*
Barley says:
*sits down too*
What's your fancy, then? Beer, wine, liqueur, vodka, orange juice?
Claire says:
Bourbon. Neat.
Barley says:
Yeah, all right.
*gets up again and goes over to the bar to order*
Claire says:
*finds a tiny, sparkly blue pill amongst the lint in her pocket, rolling it between her fingers*
Barley says:
*glances about the pub while the drinks are being poured. It's not the sort of place he'd go if he had a choice*
*drinks arrive and he goes back to the table*
Claire says:
*says randomly, to herself* They have drinks, who cares about the rest?
Barley says:
*didn't quite catch that* Sorry?
Claire says:
*looks up* Nothing.
Barley says:
*sets her glass down in front of her and sits down* Okay.
Claire says:
*holds up the blue pill*
Look what I nicked from Naboo.
He won't let me take these.
Barley says:
*smiles* Naughty girl, you.
Why not?
Claire says:
I don't know. *looks at it, then at him* Shall I find out?
Barley says:
If you explode, I'll be held responsible, you know.
Claire says:
*tilts her head at him* But I know you'll take care of me
and put me back together again.
Barley says:
*is taken very aback by this, but also very flattered. He won't admit it but his stomach just flipped* I'd have to try, yeah?
Claire says:
*tightens her hand around the pill, not swallowing it just yet*
When I was ten, my Aunt Laura died.
She had cancer. Some...really awful kind. It was fast.
She was my Mum's older sister, see...
Barley says:
*nods, letting her speak*
Claire says:
*is looking nowhere in particular as she speaks*
And my cousin, her daughter, Josie, she was a year older than me.
And we had to drive to Blackpool to pick her up, because her Dad had buggered off to London years ago and he couldn't come straight away.
Barley says:
*nods*
Claire says:
*swallows* I was... I was excited to see her. I thought we'd play...like we used to.
And of course, when she got into the car she was crying and miserable. Her Mum was dead.
Barley says:
Yeah.
Claire says:
*looks at him* But you know, no one wants to be crying and miserable.
*swallows the pill down*
Barley says:
*almost gasps as he sees the pill disappear*
...You're not exploding, are you?
Claire says:
*feels nothing at first, reaching for her drink*
Not yet.
*sips*
Barley says:
You'd better not.
Naboo'd kill me.
Claire says:
*smiles wanly* My choice, innit?
Barley says:
Yeah, but would Naboo see it that way?
Everything's usually my fault.
Claire says:
*ponders this* He's very in favour of people doing their own thing, usually.
Barley says:
*holds up his hands* As long as you don't explode or disappear, I'm game, yeah?
Claire says:
Mmm. *starts to sway very slightly, from side to side*
*looks at him with huge, dilated eyes*
Barley says:
*mostly to himself* Don't fall off the chair, yeah?
*drinks his beer and looks about the pub. Jeez, watching people getting high is the most boring thing*
Claire says:
*distantly* How did we get here, Nathan?
Barley says:
*rolls eyes* We walked.
Claire says:
To Blackpool?
Barley says:
We're in London?
Claire says:
*smiles and shakes her head*
Not anymore.
Barley says:
Your mind might be anywhere, yeah?, but your body's still in London.
Claire says:
*looks around, mouth open* God, look at the lights.
Barley says:
*looks around too: the pub's half-dark* ...Yeah.
Claire says:
*all soft-faced, completely so - rather unusual expression for her* You look so beautiful in them.
Barley says:
*stares at her, not expecting a compliment. He knows she's high and it's not really her saying it, but it made him very happy anyway*
Thanks.
...I do my best.
Claire says:
You can't see them, can you? *looks sad*
Barley says:
Sorry.
Claire says:
The Ferris Wheel....the Space Rocket. And the sea, can you at least smell that? *looks very pleading*
Barley says:
We're in Hoxditch, love, the sea's miles away.
Claire says:
*smiles, reaching out as if clearing something away from his face* You need my help to see.
*then leans across the table and gives him an open-mouthed kiss, though in her head she's just passing her powers over to him*
Barley says:
*is startled by this, but decides not to question it, and kisses her back*
Claire says:
*pulls away, lowering herself back into her seat*
I could never be your wife.
*looks down at herself*
I'm still only ten.
Barley says:
*watches her, confused. Wife?*
*decides it's probably best to play along* I'll just have to wait, then, I suppose.
Claire says:
*shakes her head* Oh, but I never want to grow up.
Barley says:
Who does?
I'll just have to stay unmarried.
Claire says:
*reaches across the table and grabs his hands*
I can see everything about you now.
Do you see me?
Barley says:
*raises eyebrows. It's probably best not to anger her now* Yeah, I can see you.
Bright and clear.
Claire says:
*wrinkles her brow - she knows he's lying* No you can't.
*nudges his hands* Ask me.
Ask me anything.
Barley says:
Anything?
Claire says:
Yes. *nods solemnly* It's the only way we can cope with knowing that we'll never be anyone but ourselves.
Barley says:
*swallows* Right. *uncertain if she still thinks she's ten or if she's back to being an adult*
Do you want another drink?
Claire says:
*eyes drift to her still half-full glass* I have one.
*tightens her hold on his hands* I speak the truth.
Barley says:
*nods along to his own words* I'm sure you do. I can see your glass and you have a drink.
Claire says:
You need to see more than that. *meets his eyes with her own glazed ones* I'm twenty eight now.
Barley says:
...And I'm twenty nine.
Claire says:
*smiles strangely* That's not a question.
You can ask twenty nine of them, since you're twenty nine.
Barley says:
Right.
Twenty nine questions, that's a lot.
About anything at all?
Claire says:
*nods, still smiling*
Barley says:
*shakes his head, grimacing, trying to think of something to say*
Did you have a good train ride into London earlier?
Claire says:
My carriage was hot, and the scenery felt like nothing. *matter of fact*
Barley says:
Right. What does the scenery usually feel like if it felt like nothing today?
Claire says:
There is no usual when it comes to scenery, it's different, mostly.
Except... *looks distant* When I'm at the sea I feel like I'm in a book.
And when I'm in the city it feels like a film.
Barley says:
And which do you like best, then, book or films?
Films, I bet.
*smiles, remembering the films she's made*
Claire says:
Books. But I can't write.
Barley says:
You can't write?
*is careful to make everything a question*
Claire says:
*twitches her fingers* I can write, but I can't write books. My hands don't know how to make the pictures in my head into words. Film is better for that.
Barley says:
So what's the picture in your head now, then?
Claire says:
*silent for a moment* I only have words to tell you. I see me. But it's through your eyes. I look different when it's through your eyes.
Barley says:
*this sounds almost like Naboo that time he went into Nathan's head to pick out that magic. Nathan's slightly freaked out now* ...Words are cool.
Claire says:
Prettier.... *closes her eyes and smiles* Scarier.
Barley says:
You're not scary.
*quieter* You are pretty, though.
Claire says:
*opens eyes, still smiling* You're not asking what you really want to know.
Barley says:
*thinks, then smiles, feeling very clever with his next question* What do I really want to know?
Claire says:
*frowns, looking confused for a moment* Lots of things...at the surface, you want to know what you really want to know. But that's just the surface.
Barley says:
*intrigued now* And what's beneath the surface?
Claire says:
*starts to speak, then pauses abruptly* I don't think I should tell you want you really want to know. It's so deep you might not know it.
Barley says:
*smiles. She's high, it's probably just rubbish anyway* I think I can handle it.
Claire says:
*rests her chin in the palm of her hand* You want to know... if I will ever love you.
Barley says:
*his breath catches in his throat: how could she know? She must be out of her mind on that stuff*
*slightly awkwardly* Yeah.
...Will you ever love me?
Claire says:
*still with the strange, hollow smile*
I don't know.
I don't know if I want to do that again.
Barley says:
*sits back a little, not quite sure if he can pull his hands to himself* Fair enough, really.
*gives her a short, not happy, smile*
Claire says:
You're not happy.
*has an urge to make him happy* If I loved you, would you be?
Barley says:
*smiles at her childish tone and plays along* Of course. But I'd only be happy if you were happy, love.
Claire says:
*confuzzled look* But I'll only be happy if -you're- happy!
What are we to do?
Barley says:
We'll have to be happy, then, won't we?
Happiness starts with a smile, yeah?
Claire says:
Okay. *grins hugely* I'm so happy!
Barley says:
*grins back, almost laughing* Me too!
Claire says:
*still grinning, she promptly leans over the edge of the table and throws up a violent, blue-hued mess*
Barley says:
*smile falls, and sighs* All right?
*sends the barman an apologetic look, and mouths:* Sorry.
Claire says:
Ghahra? *looks up over the edge of the table, then heaves one more time*
Barley says:
*doesn't quite know what to do about Claire, so leans over and holds back her hair, since he's heard that's what girls do or something*
Claire says:
*finally comes up for air, pinwheeling about in her chair as if she's gonna pass out*
*mumbles* I'd better go home.
Barley says:
*gets up and gives her a hand* I'll take you, yeah?
Claire says:
*gives him a limp hand*
Barley says:
*pulls her up, slipping his other arm around her waist*
Claire says:
*walks unsteadily to the door, the floor and walls feel like they're reeling around her*
*softly* Sorry....
Barley says:
*fishes a couple of notes out of his pocket and drops them on the bar as they pass* *to the barman:* Sorry.
*to Claire* It's fine, yeah?
Just, listen to Naboo next time, yeah?
Claire says:
*nods shakily*
What happened?
Barley says:
*opens the door and steers her outside*
You took a pill you're not allowed to and went to Brighton or something.
Went psychic on my arse, seemed like.
Claire says:
Oh. *leans firmly against him, the ground feels rubbery*
Psycho? What'd I say?
Barley says:
No, not psycho. Psychic. Like, reading my mind.
Well.
*decides to not tell the whole truth: it might be best* You thought you were reading my mind.
Claire says:
*manages a faint smile* Was it full of pornography?
Barley says:
*smiles* Filled to the brim. That's probably why you were sick.
Claire says:
*giggles, though it hurts her head to do so* Oh fuck, I feel dreadful. Will you put me to bed when we get back?
Barley says:
*pushes all kinds of images related to 'Claire' and 'bed' away from his head* Of course.
No worries, yeah?
Claire says:
*gives him a sort-of squeeze* Thanks, love.
Barley says:
*smiles and steers her in the direction of Naboo's flat*