Self Loathing, Self Love
Title: Self Loathing, Self Love
Author: yuxonomei
Pairing: Nine/Ten
Rating: NC_17
Warnings: BDSM, M/m, caning. Spoilers for The Girl in the Fireplace.
The Doctor stepped back a little into the alley, pushed his glasses back up and waited. He sighed. He'd been waiting for hours now, wondering if he was early, or if he was late. One could never tell with time travel.
"Ahh, there you are." he murmured to no one in particular when a blue door opened suddenly.
The other stepped out of the blue doorway, reached into his leather jacket pocket for the key and fumbled with the lock. He turned to see a tall thin man staring at him with a slight air of menace. He shuddered then shook it off.
"Hello, I'm the Doctor, who might you be then?" he said affably.
"I'm the Doctor as well." said the thin man, taking his glasses off, "and I need to have a word with you, because, you see, you've ruined my life." then promptly knocked his previous self out. He put his glasses in his jacket pocket and dragged the Doctor to his own TARDIS.
"Ohhh my head," grumbled the Doctor. "Why did you go and do..." he trailed off as he realised he was stripped to his underwear and cuffed by his wrists and ankles to a low bench, legs apart. He was glad he still had his underwear on because it lessened the feeling of vulnerability and he felt less exposed.
"What the hell is going on? What do you want from me? If you're who I think you are, then you know everything I do." His voice was edged in panic. he looked around as best he could for his other self and Rose. Rose! "Where's Rose? What have you done with her? If you've hurt her, I'll, I'll.."
"Do what exactly hmm? You're the one tied down, the one on the receiving end of everything and if you must know, she's with her mum. Gone to a funeral of one of Jackie's friends. She couldn't bear the thought of her mum being on her own so it's just you, me and the contents of this box." said the Doctor, removing his coat and jacket, throwing them to the floor.
"You see, as I said before, you ruined my life. You and the guilt. You just had to make her fall in love so deeply that she'll never let go. I just don't feel the same but no, no, you let her think I loved her in the same way, that it'd be just us and the universe. She's never going to be able to stand alone. She's always going to just stand there and wait, just like Reinette did. I don't want that for her, and I know you don't want that for her either." he said almost shouting.
He tried to remain calm. He circled the Doctor, who was looking so afraid, afraid of what he was going to do with him. He smirked and circled him before crouching down to look into his eyes. So blue and expressive they were, wide with shock, horror, disbelief, fear, love and excitement. So many emotions in one look.
"Look at me." he said quietly. The Doctor looked down and struggled against his restraints. It was a futile gesture but, he reasoned, no harm in trying.
"Aha, no you don't. No escape from these beauties. Remember where I picked them up. It was on Trinity Rising and Peri was so excited. Best ever cuffs. She strained at them so many times and here they are still going strong." He ran his hand through his hair then cupped the Doctor's face in one hand then slapped him with the other.
"Look at me," he said once again, "and do try to keep still please," letting go of the Doctors face. The Doctor looked up and nodded soberly.
"Good!" he exclaimed. "Now, where to begin."He traced the Doctors features with as finger, round hs face, down his nose, rubbed the redness on his cheek tenderly, over his very short hair and down his back. The Doctor shivered and felt his cock get harder. Was it hard to begin with? He couldn't think straight. Here he was about to be punished by one of his future incarnations, and it was scarily turning him on. The other saw the confusion and lust in the Doctor's face and grinned. He kissed the Doctor deeply, biting his lips, tracing the inside of the Doctor's mouth with his tongue, tasting the blood from his lips. The Doctor responded, kissing back hungrily, wanting him, needing him, desperate for every touch, bite, kiss. He felt a hand round his throat but he didn't care, he was enjoying being kissed by his other self. The grip grew tighter but still he didn't care. The tighter it got, the more it cut off his air, the more turned on he got, blood thumping in his head and in his cock, pushing against the cotton of his underwear and the smoothness of the wood, mahogany probably, judging by the feel of it on his chest. He couldn't breathe, he opened his eyes wide and started biting the other's lips who pulled away and smirked.
"Oh you'd like that wouldn't you, if I let you die, if I took away the years of pain. you want me to do it don't you. A quick easy escape from everything." he snarled and gripped tighter still.
By now, the Doctor felt as if his head and lungs were going to burst. his eyes couldn't focus, everything around him was going black except for the bared gritted teeth of the man that was him who was choking him almost to death.
And still he was hard.
He felt himself fade away, allowed himself to embrace the darkness rushing towards him and then a touch of annoyance that brought him back to his senses as the other's hand fell away.
"Why did you stop? I was beginning to find peace." he whispered, wishing he could rub his throat.
"I stopped because you, we can't find peace in death. You need to start finding peace in life. It's there. You just have to find it. Or at least set up the way for me to find the peace we're looking for. Besides, you'll regenerate into another me if you die." said the Doctor.
"But I.. I can never.. you know.. I thought I had it with her. She made me feel alive once again. Oh Theta, I love her for bringing me to life. I love her for giving me the will to travel again. She's given me, us so much and there's nothing we can offer her in return."
"She only gave it temporarily, you know that. She can't take away the pain when we close our eyes. She can't give us what we need when we sleep and dream about watching everything burn. And we can't keep expecting her to give it. But there is something I can give her."
"What's that then?"
"That there's more to life than working, sleeping and eating. And that there's more than the TARDIS and us."
"You're right. There's so much more out there beyond us." he said, letting his head hang.
He looked up to see a blur of brown pinstripe as the Doctor stood up and walked to the box. He rummaged inside and with a flourish, pulled out a few items that the Doctor, bent and bound over the bench, couldn't quite make out.
"Do you know what this is?"he inquired , settling back down in front of his former incarnation, waving a piece of soft leather around.
He caught a flash of silver; a zip? "It's that hood I bought, well one of us bought. I remember making Romana wear it." said the Doctor.
"Indeed it is," agreed the other happily. "Now it's your turn. she never did get to try it out on us did she. Ah well." He slipped the hood over the Doctor's head and laced it up tightly. The Doctor felt a bolt of fear running through him as the hood tightened over his face and revelled in it. He'd never been so turned on in years. His cock was throbbing, balls were aching. He didn't want it to end and realised that he loved his later incarnation, that he did love himself.
"Now, I'm going to give you what you deserve. With every stroke, I'm going to say why you deserve it. It has to be done you know." said the Doctor, standing up and ran his hand through his hair. He took a cane out of the box and walked back to his former self. He pulled his underwear down to his knees and noted with some satisfaction that his cock was rock hard and dripping.
He raised his arm and landed a blow.
"This is for Rose."
The pain seared through the Doctor's skin. It felt as if his bottom was on fire He let out a sharp yell. The other laughed and rained the blows on his arse and watched in wonder as each welt showed white on red on white as he reeled off his litany.
"Jackie, Jack, yes, you left him behind. You loved him too but you could leave him. For Earth, for our home, for the Time Lords, for every planet and civilisation wiped out by us! And most of all, because I hate you." he said, getting louder and louder and hitting harder and harder, ignoring the muffled screams. He stopped when he noticed that the red wasn't from the blows but from where he'd broken the skin. He stumbled back, horrified at the bloody mess and sat down holding his head in his hands.
"I'm sorry. I don't hate you. Not the way we once hated our fifth incarnation." he whispered.
"I know." said the Doctor.
He stood up and unfastened the cuffs. "Stand up." He held the Doctor tightly to himself. They stood there hugging each other with nothing but the hum of the TARDIS to listen to.
"I love you," they said at the same time.
And both finally found a little more peace inside their hearts.
Author: yuxonomei
Pairing: Nine/Ten
Rating: NC_17
Warnings: BDSM, M/m, caning. Spoilers for The Girl in the Fireplace.
The Doctor stepped back a little into the alley, pushed his glasses back up and waited. He sighed. He'd been waiting for hours now, wondering if he was early, or if he was late. One could never tell with time travel.
"Ahh, there you are." he murmured to no one in particular when a blue door opened suddenly.
The other stepped out of the blue doorway, reached into his leather jacket pocket for the key and fumbled with the lock. He turned to see a tall thin man staring at him with a slight air of menace. He shuddered then shook it off.
"Hello, I'm the Doctor, who might you be then?" he said affably.
"I'm the Doctor as well." said the thin man, taking his glasses off, "and I need to have a word with you, because, you see, you've ruined my life." then promptly knocked his previous self out. He put his glasses in his jacket pocket and dragged the Doctor to his own TARDIS.
"Ohhh my head," grumbled the Doctor. "Why did you go and do..." he trailed off as he realised he was stripped to his underwear and cuffed by his wrists and ankles to a low bench, legs apart. He was glad he still had his underwear on because it lessened the feeling of vulnerability and he felt less exposed.
"What the hell is going on? What do you want from me? If you're who I think you are, then you know everything I do." His voice was edged in panic. he looked around as best he could for his other self and Rose. Rose! "Where's Rose? What have you done with her? If you've hurt her, I'll, I'll.."
"Do what exactly hmm? You're the one tied down, the one on the receiving end of everything and if you must know, she's with her mum. Gone to a funeral of one of Jackie's friends. She couldn't bear the thought of her mum being on her own so it's just you, me and the contents of this box." said the Doctor, removing his coat and jacket, throwing them to the floor.
"You see, as I said before, you ruined my life. You and the guilt. You just had to make her fall in love so deeply that she'll never let go. I just don't feel the same but no, no, you let her think I loved her in the same way, that it'd be just us and the universe. She's never going to be able to stand alone. She's always going to just stand there and wait, just like Reinette did. I don't want that for her, and I know you don't want that for her either." he said almost shouting.
He tried to remain calm. He circled the Doctor, who was looking so afraid, afraid of what he was going to do with him. He smirked and circled him before crouching down to look into his eyes. So blue and expressive they were, wide with shock, horror, disbelief, fear, love and excitement. So many emotions in one look.
"Look at me." he said quietly. The Doctor looked down and struggled against his restraints. It was a futile gesture but, he reasoned, no harm in trying.
"Aha, no you don't. No escape from these beauties. Remember where I picked them up. It was on Trinity Rising and Peri was so excited. Best ever cuffs. She strained at them so many times and here they are still going strong." He ran his hand through his hair then cupped the Doctor's face in one hand then slapped him with the other.
"Look at me," he said once again, "and do try to keep still please," letting go of the Doctors face. The Doctor looked up and nodded soberly.
"Good!" he exclaimed. "Now, where to begin."He traced the Doctors features with as finger, round hs face, down his nose, rubbed the redness on his cheek tenderly, over his very short hair and down his back. The Doctor shivered and felt his cock get harder. Was it hard to begin with? He couldn't think straight. Here he was about to be punished by one of his future incarnations, and it was scarily turning him on. The other saw the confusion and lust in the Doctor's face and grinned. He kissed the Doctor deeply, biting his lips, tracing the inside of the Doctor's mouth with his tongue, tasting the blood from his lips. The Doctor responded, kissing back hungrily, wanting him, needing him, desperate for every touch, bite, kiss. He felt a hand round his throat but he didn't care, he was enjoying being kissed by his other self. The grip grew tighter but still he didn't care. The tighter it got, the more it cut off his air, the more turned on he got, blood thumping in his head and in his cock, pushing against the cotton of his underwear and the smoothness of the wood, mahogany probably, judging by the feel of it on his chest. He couldn't breathe, he opened his eyes wide and started biting the other's lips who pulled away and smirked.
"Oh you'd like that wouldn't you, if I let you die, if I took away the years of pain. you want me to do it don't you. A quick easy escape from everything." he snarled and gripped tighter still.
By now, the Doctor felt as if his head and lungs were going to burst. his eyes couldn't focus, everything around him was going black except for the bared gritted teeth of the man that was him who was choking him almost to death.
And still he was hard.
He felt himself fade away, allowed himself to embrace the darkness rushing towards him and then a touch of annoyance that brought him back to his senses as the other's hand fell away.
"Why did you stop? I was beginning to find peace." he whispered, wishing he could rub his throat.
"I stopped because you, we can't find peace in death. You need to start finding peace in life. It's there. You just have to find it. Or at least set up the way for me to find the peace we're looking for. Besides, you'll regenerate into another me if you die." said the Doctor.
"But I.. I can never.. you know.. I thought I had it with her. She made me feel alive once again. Oh Theta, I love her for bringing me to life. I love her for giving me the will to travel again. She's given me, us so much and there's nothing we can offer her in return."
"She only gave it temporarily, you know that. She can't take away the pain when we close our eyes. She can't give us what we need when we sleep and dream about watching everything burn. And we can't keep expecting her to give it. But there is something I can give her."
"What's that then?"
"That there's more to life than working, sleeping and eating. And that there's more than the TARDIS and us."
"You're right. There's so much more out there beyond us." he said, letting his head hang.
He looked up to see a blur of brown pinstripe as the Doctor stood up and walked to the box. He rummaged inside and with a flourish, pulled out a few items that the Doctor, bent and bound over the bench, couldn't quite make out.
"Do you know what this is?"he inquired , settling back down in front of his former incarnation, waving a piece of soft leather around.
He caught a flash of silver; a zip? "It's that hood I bought, well one of us bought. I remember making Romana wear it." said the Doctor.
"Indeed it is," agreed the other happily. "Now it's your turn. she never did get to try it out on us did she. Ah well." He slipped the hood over the Doctor's head and laced it up tightly. The Doctor felt a bolt of fear running through him as the hood tightened over his face and revelled in it. He'd never been so turned on in years. His cock was throbbing, balls were aching. He didn't want it to end and realised that he loved his later incarnation, that he did love himself.
"Now, I'm going to give you what you deserve. With every stroke, I'm going to say why you deserve it. It has to be done you know." said the Doctor, standing up and ran his hand through his hair. He took a cane out of the box and walked back to his former self. He pulled his underwear down to his knees and noted with some satisfaction that his cock was rock hard and dripping.
He raised his arm and landed a blow.
"This is for Rose."
The pain seared through the Doctor's skin. It felt as if his bottom was on fire He let out a sharp yell. The other laughed and rained the blows on his arse and watched in wonder as each welt showed white on red on white as he reeled off his litany.
"Jackie, Jack, yes, you left him behind. You loved him too but you could leave him. For Earth, for our home, for the Time Lords, for every planet and civilisation wiped out by us! And most of all, because I hate you." he said, getting louder and louder and hitting harder and harder, ignoring the muffled screams. He stopped when he noticed that the red wasn't from the blows but from where he'd broken the skin. He stumbled back, horrified at the bloody mess and sat down holding his head in his hands.
"I'm sorry. I don't hate you. Not the way we once hated our fifth incarnation." he whispered.
"I know." said the Doctor.
He stood up and unfastened the cuffs. "Stand up." He held the Doctor tightly to himself. They stood there hugging each other with nothing but the hum of the TARDIS to listen to.
"I love you," they said at the same time.
And both finally found a little more peace inside their hearts.