"Music Is My Life" [13/20]
Title: Music Is My Life [13/20]
Pairing: Yoochun/Junsu, Jaejoong/Yunho
Genre: AU, drama/romance
Warnings: None
Summary: It's the summer of 2007 and Park Yoochun is determined to be successful. After a string of failures during the early part of the year, he's ready to piece his life back together and start anew - especially in his career as a singer/composer. However, things don't turn out so well when the bar he performs at is taken over by a new singer, Kim Junsu.
First Winner: soft_daisy!
Comments: I really felt that this banner captured what I was going for with MIML. It's not really a happy or sad story (as you said! ^^), but the way the piano and Yoosu were placed really expressed the kind of longing that I was trying to go for. Is it possible to make a slightly smaller version? If possible, please email it to me! I really want to use it to post to hug but I think it's a bit too big =\
Second Winner: vicvickyrox!
Comments: I seem to be following a theme here I actually really liked the layout of this one - it's simple but very wallpaper-esque and it has that 'snapshots of life' kind of feel to it. The music (is my life) is also a nice touch! Good choice of images ^^ Because of the image size I don't think I can use this as the banner when I post on hug but it's still very pretty~ Likewise, is it possible to turn this into wallpaper size? x'3
Thanks to all the people who joined!!! (I loved them all tbh and it was hella hard to choose two D:) The support and response for this fic has been unbelievable and very much appreciated. You guys make incredible motivation for me ;)
For the winners, please tell me what prize you want! Fanfic, fanart, or Yesasia gift cert. ^^
It was the streaming sunlight coming from the window that eventually woke Junsu up, narrowed eyes staring upwards at the ceiling, the back of his hand against his forehead. With a wince, he untangled himself from the blanket and stretched, groaning as he worked out the kinks in his limbs. Why had he been curled up against the wall like that the whole night?
He suddenly sat up, eyes wide. Memories came rushing back, too fast for him to follow. Clubbing yesterday night, arguing - could he even call that arguing? - with Yoochun later that night, not sleeping, taking a jaunt down to the bar and being the nostalgic idiot that he was, started playing his old song which had brought Yoochun down as well and had caused this whole mess to begin with. He slapped a head over his forehead.
It was the thought of what had transpired that sent a shiver through his body as he looked around the empty room. It struck him as odd that he hadn't woken up when the other man had - he was so used to living here by now that his eyes would automatically open as soon as Yoochun sat up. He'd always had a habit of adjusting to his surroundings easily - which made it all the more difficult to leave every time he visited home but left after only a few days.
He panicked - had Yoochun been just trying to make him feel better last night by saying he wasn't angry but the true fact was that he really didn't feel comfortable around him anymore - and then the irony struck him. Nothing had really happened last night (well not quite what he'd wanted to happen anyway and that made him blush; he knew he should be thankful he didn't get his lights punched out) and he was acting like it was the morning after with the guy having taken off as soon as the sun had risen. It wasn't as if the two had done anything, so why did Junsu feel like a huge chunk of his heart was hanging in the balance, swinging like a pendulum between heartbreak and heartache? He couldn't see any other alternative. Either way, he held the short end of the stick.
Well, there wasn't any use worrying now, was there? If Yoochun decided to change his mind, Junsu was going to face it like a man. And then maybe a good cry at Changmin's or Jaejoong's but afterwards, it would be back to business as usual when he flew back to Japan. His life didn't allow for time to worry about stuff like this, least of all when it involved a guy. He clapped his hands over his cheeks to shake off the fatigue of just waking up and an uneasy look around the room was all he allowed himself before he rolled off the bed and stood up, toes buried into the rug.
"Now what am I supposed to do?" he sighed in a tiny voice, walking over to a drawer to pull it open and randomly grabbing a shirt and pair of faded jeans. He debated with himself whether he should leave before having to deal with the humiliation (and pain) of facing Yoochun and his promise of 'talking about it tomorrow?' - he was going to face it but he wasn't going to voluntarily give himself up if he could avoid it for the time being. He quickly stripped out of the old short-sleeved shirt and shorts he slept with and pulled his outfit together, grabbing his watch off the dresser.
He walked to the bathroom next-door, switching on the light overhead on his way in. A tired looking man stared back at him - but the way he smiled easier and his eyes looked just a bit less dull than a month ago wasn't lost on him. He brushed his teeth and decided not to gel his hair since it was growing out quickly and he needed a trim. His bangs, swept to the left, were beginning to dip low past his eyebrows.
He lingered in the bathroom for just awhile longer before he finally decided on his plans for the day and headed back to the room for his wallet, keys, and cell phone. He descended the steps once the aforementioned items were safely in his pockets. When he reached the bottom floor, the last thing he expected to see was Yoochun lounging on one of the long couches by the far end of the bar, reading a small book in his hand and an arm under his head.
Junsu wordlessly stepped off the last step, the sound making Yoochun look up and tilt his head towards him. The silence was deafening. Junsu almost shrunk back at the thoughtful gaze aimed his way by the other.
"Morning," Yoochun finally called out, swinging his legs so that his feet hit the ground, stretching a little. "I thought you'd never get up," he said with a teasing smile. He stood up and with the book tucked in his left palm, Yoochun slowly walked to stand in front of Junsu, who was looking as if a bomb had erupted next to him.
"Clubbing takes a lot out of you?" he offered weakly as an excuse, unsure of how to respond to how normal this situation was. Junsu had a feeling Yoochun could see right through him. Neither of them had slept much last night, both twisting and turning while facing opposite directions.
Yoochun had woken to find Junsu curled around the wall early this morning, as if trying to keep as physically far away from him as he could. While Yoochun could guess the reason why Junsu felt the need to do that, it still hurt. "You just need to go more often," Yoochun teased, his right hand clenched in his pocket. Somewhere at the back of his mind he knew he should get to the point, ask why and demand answers from Junsu towards an issue that was probably very personal. "Where are you going today?" he blurted out, shifting his weight onto the other foot to appear relaxed. He could barely stand the awkwardness that hung between the two of them. The expression on the other man's face told him he hadn't been expecting that question.
"I - ah - figured I would visit Changmin, because he left so quickly last night. I think he might not have been feeling well...How about you?" Junsu flashed a brave little smile at him and Yoochun wanted to give him a hug, but he figured they might've done a bit too much of that the night before, but if only to reassure him that Yoochun wasn't going to do anything that would warrant such a nervous reaction. But he kept his hands to himself and the two feet of space between them.
"I was thinking of doing a little shopping by myself."
"Oh."
The two avoided each other's gaze as they lapsed into silence once again. The last part of what Yoochun said struck Junsu particularly hard and when the thought became obvious on his face, Yoochun sighed and shook his head, rubbing the back of his head.
"I just need some time to think about it. It's not because I -"
"It was nothing!" Junsu burst out, biting his lip. Yoochun stared. "I mean...God, what am I saying. I'm just...I'm sorry I did that last night. I didn't mean it." He looked put out and regretful, suddenly deflating.
"You didn't?"
"Well," he wringed his hands in nervousness, dropping his eyes to the floor, "It came out all wrong. If I was ever...ever going to confess, it wasn't going to end up like that. The last thing I want is to scare you off. I don't know what I was thinking last night." His voice was barely a whisper by the time he was done.
Yoochun blinked in the face of Junsu's sudden outburst. "So you...didn't mean it?" he repeated dumbly.
"No, that's not it. I like you," he stated bluntly and Yoochun's eyes widened at his boldness, " - and I've decided that since last night happened, I should stop hiding it. It was my fault and I'll accept the consequences." He screwed his eyes shut, cringing. When nothing happened and all he could hear was silence, he opened one eye to see Yoochun smiling and trying to muffle small sounds of laughter behind a hand. He blinked.
"Do you usually confess to someone and then apologize for it?"
"What? No!"
"Then why are you apologizing to me? I would've thought you'd done enough of that last night." Yoochun couldn't help but laugh again. Junsu was still Junsu, regardless if he was gay or if he had a crush on him or something. Nothing would change the way Junsu stared bewilderedly at him, as if he couldn't believe Yoochun was actually teasing him right now. "If I was going to do anything to you, I would've done it last night, not wait till now."
"Well...why didn't you?"
Yoochun stared at him. "Because you're my friend and whether you like men or women won't change that."
"Really?" he asked quietly, unsure.
"Really," Yoochun replied in what he hoped sounded like a reassuring tone. "But I…uh…need to think about this, because it's not every day a guy kisses me. That's what I'm going to do today. Okay?"
Looking a little stunned, Junsu nodded. "O-okay."
"I'm thinking maybe we can close up the bar again and go out for dinner tonight. Good idea?"
He nodded again.
Satisfied, Yoochun made to move past him. "Keep your cell phone with you and I'll call at around five to let you know where to meet up. And - " He turned serious, "I'm not too sure of anything right now, but what I do want is for nothing to change between us. I told you what happened to me last night because I trust you and nothing you did up till now has made me change my mind."
Junsu bit his lip, the lump in his throat making it hurt to talk. He coughed. "I'm glad I have a friend like you," he said hoarsely, looking away.
Yoochun looked at him for a second, before patting him on the shoulder and left. Junsu heard the jingling of the door behind him and he shut his eyes tightly. It took him several minutes to collect himself before he moved, locking the door behind him as he set off down the street towards his young friend's apartment, Yoochun's words resounding in his mind.
It wasn't that he doubted Yoochun's words. They were more sincere than he could have ever asked for. But guilt ate at him, because Yoochun had mentioned trust, and Junsu's whole existence, to him, was built on a lie.
~*~*~
Junsu received his second shock of the day, when the door to Changmin's place flew open to reveal an impeccably dressed Jaejoong who was clutching a spatula. They stared at each other before Jaejoong whacked him over the head with his choice of weapon and Junsu squawked in outrage. Laughing, the older man pulled him into the apartment and shut the door.
"What are you doing here, hyung? And why'd you hit me?" Junsu whined, rubbing his head and pouting at his friend.
"Changmin's sick and because you looked so depressed. You two will be the death of me, I swear," he rolled his eyes as he ran back into the small kitchen. "Lock the door behind you!"
"He is?" After doing what he'd been told, Junsu followed the wonderful smell of Jaejoong's home cooking and peered over his shoulder. "Where is he?"
Jaejoong idly flipped the pancake. "In bed, as he rightfully should be. Can you believe he had his head bent over a lab report while nursing a fever? I banished him into the bedroom and he's been napping on and off since this morning. I think he's reading a textbook right now so you can keep him company while I finish this up. Have you eaten yet? Should I make more?"
Smiling fondly at the concern in Jaejoong's voice, Junsu hugged him from behind and settled his chin on his shoulder. "Yes please, umma."
"Hey, no teasing at this hour. I've been up since nine and that's just inhumane."
Junsu made no attempts to move, shifting so that his forehead rested on Jaejoong's shoulder instead, inhaling deeply. This position, however, reminded him of how Yoochun had held him as he shook in fear and panic that he'd lost him forever because of his stupid actions, and he tightened his hold around Jaejoong's waist.
"Junsu?" He got no reply and Jaejoong frowned, shaking his shoulder lightly to incite a response from his suddenly comatose friend. "Weren't you out clubbing with Changmin and that Yoochun of yours last night?"
Groaning, he let go of him and stepped back, shaking his head. "Don't even remind me...and Yoochun's not mine."
He dumped the finished pancake onto the plate next to him, where three were already sitting. He reached for the batter. "Why?"
"Because...because I did something stupid and I'm just lucky Yoochun isn't homophobic or I'd be crashing your place tonight and every night after until I book my ticket back to Japan."
"Well...that doesn't sound good," he said lightly, eyes in front of him as he shook the pan to even out the batter into a circular shape. "Actually, that would be terrible. You snore."
"I do not!"
"Well if anything, I should know because I had to room with you in Japan."
Junsu stared at him with a hurt expression. "Hyung! Shouldn't you be asking me what I did?"
"What did you do?"
"I - " He blushed lightly, shaking his head. "I kissed him."
Jaejoong's hands stilled, before they resumed their task. "And?"
"He didn't hit me," Junsu said almost wonderingly; head tilted, "and we're having dinner tonight to talk. He said we're still...friends. Is it selfish of me to want more?"
"It depends."
That caught him off-guard. "What?"
"On whether he’s gay or not," Jaejoong continued. "But he accepts you the way you are and ...you should be grateful for that." 'And the fact that he actually managed to make my opinion of him go up.'
"I am grateful," Junsu muttered, a defeated expression settling on his face. "I'm so grateful, the fact that I can't tell him everything is worse than the thought of being forced to go back."
Jaejoong dumped the pancake onto the plate and shut off the stove before turning around. "Are you sure?"
"But I won't tell him," Junsu shook his head, "not when you and Changmin have done so much for me already. It'd be unfair to you guys. I need to know for sure that something's going to change before I go back. I won't go back to the way things were. I can't."
"Junsu, Changmin and I did it for you. That means any decision you make, you should make it for yourself. If you want to and if you feel you can trust him, tell him. If you think that it's not necessary, don't."
He looked confused. "But - "
"Changmin called me last night to ask whether what he did was wrong," Jaejoong's gaze softened, "because you seemed unhappy." Junsu's eyes widened, but he stayed silent. "I don't know why he would think that, but if you owe us anything, it's for you to try your damndest to find happiness."
They stared at each other, before a voice calling from another room interrupted their conversation. Jaejoong smiled and turned Junsu around and pushed up out of the kitchen. "Go talk to him and hit him for me if he's still reading his textbook. Tell him I'll be done in fifteen minutes." He reached for the fridge. "Orange juice sound good?"
"Yeah," Junsu said softly. "Thanks, hyung."
Knowing he wasn't referring to the food, Jaejoong nodded. "You're welcome."
He made his way down a small hallway before knocking on a door that was left ajar, revealing a Changmin who was propped up against what looked like ten pillows ('Probably Jaejoong's doing'), an open textbook on his lap.
The younger man looked up. "Hyung! What are you doing here?"
"What do you mean what am I doing here?" It took three steps to reach the side of the bed. He reached over to muss up his hair, his heart aching at the wince that crossed Changmin's face. He stopped immediately and withdrew his hand. "I'm sorry, does your head hurt?"
"A little bit," Changmin rubbed his forehead but he looked up anyway and smiled. "How was last night?"
In a sudden burst of emotion, he flung both arms around his neck and half-landed on him, kicking away his textbook in the process. The two of them toppled over under his weight. "I'm sorry, Min!"
"Hey, my textbook - What're you talking about, hyung?" Bewildered, Changmin tentatively wound his arms around him, blinking at the ceiling.
"Why didn't you tell me you felt sick? I wouldn't have made you go with me if you had told me! Why do you act more like the hyung than I do?" He wailed exaggeratedly, meaning every word.
For once, Changmin was left speechless. He worked his mouth several times to try to say something, until finally he resorted to sighing. "Hyung, you're crushing me."
Junsu rolled off of him and discretely knocked the textbook off the bed from where he had kicked it. "I can't even jump on you right," he grumbled.
"Or stop me from reading my text without destroying it. That thing cost me ninety thousand won."
Junsu stared at him, before getting up obediently to pick up the textbook, discretely closing it to hide the small tear that had appeared on page 268, and gently placed it on Changmin's desk. Then he flung himself back on the bed, landed with a loud thump, and promptly snuggled into the sick man's side.
"What's gotten into you?" Changmin asked absentmindedly, idly laying a hand on his forehead to check his own temperature.
"Why didn't you tell me you were sick?" Junsu asked quietly, closing his eyes against the blanket he was currently attempting to bury himself in.
"I just had a headache, I didn't know it'd get bad enough for me to have to go home."
"But you should've told me anyway! I would've gone with you!"
He shrugged. "Why make you needlessly worry? Besides, you were there to have fun and there was no need to ruin it." Changmin turned to face the man at his side, eyes narrowed though Junsu couldn't see from where he was. "Did you have fun?"
"Yeah," Junsu sat up breathlessly, smiling, "it was...fun." He tried not to wince at his shaky tone - last night had been anything but fun and if he had left with Changmin, it probably would've saved him a lot of grief - but there was no need to tell Changmin any of that. Changmin had enough to worry about, like school, and Junsu refused to add to the burden anymore. It was time he acted the older one for once.
"Good," the younger man eyed him sceptically but did not raise any questions.
They sat and lay there in silence, comfortable enough with each other not to become awkward. It was, however, Changmin who spoke up first.
"...Hyung?"
"Hm?" He was too comfortable and drowsy (he had lost an inordinate amount of sleep last night) to form a coherent response.
"Are you - How are you doing so far at DBSK?"
"Pretty good...no more crazy schedules."
"But what do you think of the place? You've been there for awhile now...about three weeks?"
"Something like that," he murmured and pushed himself up to grin at his friend. "It's really great. It's nice to be able to just stand on a small little platform and sing my heart out. And it's hilarious watching Yoochun sometimes. You're not always around because you're busy with your studies - as you should be - " Junsu quickly added as Changmin opened his mouth, " - and you know last week the sink was doing some crazy things? I insisted we call a plumber but Yoochun said he could totally fix it and ended up getting drenched because he fiddled with the wrong pipe." He laughed again at the memory.
Changmin smiled back at him. Junsu flopped back onto the bed and rolled over onto his back. "Did I thank you when you came to pick me up at the airport?" He suddenly spoke up, chin tilted towards the ceiling with his eyes closed.
"Well I recall some body slamming that knocked me and your luggage all over the floor but no, I don't think so."
"Min!" Junsu cracked open an eye to see his friend trying to disguise a snigger as a cough behind a hand. He swatted at him half-heartedly. "Even when I'm trying to be grateful you still make fun of me."
"It's weird if you voice it. It's okay just to accept my goodwill," he said in all seriousness, managing an absolute straight face.
Junsu stuck his tongue out at him and hmphed as he rolled over onto his side, facing away from him. "Fine, I'm just going to ignore you now until you start treating me like a hyung."
His dongsaeng chuckled at his behaviour and the two lapsed into silence again, deep in their own thoughts. Junsu fidgeted a little, unsure of how to reassure Changmin that he really was truly happier here than he'd been in Japan...at least, after the first couple months of being there, when reality had hit him hard in the face. When his inadequacy had been laid out before him in several very simple words. But Changmin always knew these things about him - was the first to know about what had happened, even before his brother had found out. Because friends made humiliations easier to deal with; when he'd mumbled it to Changmin over the phone a week later (having cried himself out the past several nights), he hadn't needed to deal with feeling like he'd brought shame to him.
Junsu certainly wasn't stupid - a bit dense maybe, he had to admit, and nowhere near as smart as Changmin - but Jaejoong had awakened awareness within him to Changmin's state. Why would Changmin need to ask Jaejoong whether 'what he'd done was right or wrong for Junsu'? In the last four years, when had Junsu developed such a dependence on his friend? At the same time, his friend had decided to grow up one day and take care of him instead. That was why he asked those questions just now. No matter how grown up Changmin was, he still needed the reassurance from his hyung (whichever one) that what he had done was right, that he hadn't screwed things up even more. Even though Changmin was capable of a lot of things, he still retained that childlike self-doubt that had plagued him for most of his life. That Junsu knew very well.
"Geez, must I do all the work around here?"
They both turned to the door to see Jaejoong struggling with a large tray. Junsu immediately scrambled over to the door to help him and they safely brought the tray to the bed, where Changmin scooted over to make room. It felt like they were having a picnic on the bed and Junsu couldn't help but smile fondly to himself as Changmin and Jaejoong began to squabble over how many pancakes he was allowed to eat.
Once they were all happily chewing, Jaejoong suddenly snapped his fingers, causing both sets of eyes to jump to him. The oldest man turned to Junsu. "I forgot tell you. The company said you need to show up for the next few days in order to be on schedule for your official comeback after your 'break.'"
His expression immediately twisted into a look of distaste, frustration etched on his face. "Hyung, I'm on vacation. Can't - can't you tell them to leave me alone? We agreed on a month at the very least!"
Jaejoong bit his lip and shook his head, looking regretful. The sudden panic on Junsu's face made his heart ache. "I'm sorry, Junsu. The contract you signed leaves you almost no way out. There's...not much I can do about that."
They both turned to Changmin, who had stopped eating to stare quietly at his plate. He looked up when he felt their gazes on him. Letting out a small sigh, he shook his head as well and Junsu's face fell. "I do anymore meddling and the Seoul police will have every legitimate reason to throw me behind bars."
"If they're already preparing for my comeback how will I ever convince them to do things...my way?" His left hand fisted the blanket next to him.
His friends shared a glance and both turned back to him helplessly. He squeezed his eyes shut and put his fork down, appetite gone.
"Junsu...?" The eldest in the room asked softly, concern drifting over his face.
He shook his head, rubbing his forehead tiredly. "I'm fine. I just...it's like being trapped in a corner with the whole world's eyes on me. I can't do what they want anymore. I can't."
"I know," Jaejoong said simply, understanding in his eyes. An understanding that had always been there, ever since day one when they had met for the first time in the studio to shoot his first single cover.
"Sometimes I wonder whether it will be easier just to...end it all - " Changmin's head whipped sharply in his direction and Jaejoong's eyes widened; he laughed and shook his head. "I mean my career. Or if I can even call it mine anymore."
"Do what you want," Changmin said nonchalantly, his intelligent gaze burning holes into him. The comment, coming from anyone else, could've been construed as rude, but they had been friends for too long for those kinds of misunderstandings.
Jaejoong, on the other hand, whacked him over the head. "That was for the tasteless insinuation.”
"Hey!" He pouted, rubbing at his head.
"Can't say you didn't deserve that," Changmin added with a small grin.
He threw them both an annoyed glance but turned onto Jaejoong with a more serious expression. "Does this have anything to do with those photos you took that day?"
"Probably," was his answer accompanied with a shrug.
Junsu sighed. "Guess I have no choice. Maybe I'll go visit mom and dad afterwards. When do they want me in - at the latest?"
He pulled out his cell phone and scrolled through his text messages. "Tomorrow morning," Jaejoong reported.
Changmin's face twisted into a look of distaste. "They're not wasting any time, are they?"
Running a hand through his hair, Junsu lay down and curled up on the bed, resolutely closing his eyes. "I need a nap." Tiredness clung to every part of his body.
"You're going to take the bed from a sick man?" Changmin accused, though the hand that ran through Junsu's hair softly said otherwise.
Jaejoong lifted the tray off the bed as Junsu crawled under the covers and cuddled up to Changmin's side, murmuring how tired he was and how he had gotten no sleep last night. Drowsiness was beginning to hit him and he threw an arm over Changmin's lap, sighing softly. His brain hurt - he didn't want to think anymore.
Changmin glanced questioningly at a Jaejoong smiling fondly down at Junsu, who was now half-asleep.
"I'll clean up around your mess of an apartment while you guys rest, okay?"
"Thanks, hyung," Changmin said gratefully, glancing down at his friend with concern. His breathing had evened almost instantly and to see Junsu drop off to sleep so quickly proved that he hadn't been lying when he'd said he was lacking sleep. "Will he be okay?" he asked himself softly, almost wonderingly.
"He's not weak, that's for sure," Jaejoong said simply, stacking the plates on the tray while moving towards the door. "But don't you think Junsu needs to find his own way? We can't lead him by the hand anymore. He knows that. He knows that he's fallen, hit rock bottom - "
" - and he needs to climb back out. On his own," Changmin finished, his hand resuming its stroking of the sleeping man's hair. He looked up at Jaejoong, eyes wide and sad and full of hope.
Jaejoong smiled just as sadly and left the room.
Pairing: Yoochun/Junsu, Jaejoong/Yunho
Genre: AU, drama/romance
Warnings: None
Summary: It's the summer of 2007 and Park Yoochun is determined to be successful. After a string of failures during the early part of the year, he's ready to piece his life back together and start anew - especially in his career as a singer/composer. However, things don't turn out so well when the bar he performs at is taken over by a new singer, Kim Junsu.
First Winner: soft_daisy!
Comments: I really felt that this banner captured what I was going for with MIML. It's not really a happy or sad story (as you said! ^^), but the way the piano and Yoosu were placed really expressed the kind of longing that I was trying to go for. Is it possible to make a slightly smaller version? If possible, please email it to me! I really want to use it to post to hug but I think it's a bit too big =\
Second Winner: vicvickyrox!
Comments: I seem to be following a theme here I actually really liked the layout of this one - it's simple but very wallpaper-esque and it has that 'snapshots of life' kind of feel to it. The music (is my life) is also a nice touch! Good choice of images ^^ Because of the image size I don't think I can use this as the banner when I post on hug but it's still very pretty~ Likewise, is it possible to turn this into wallpaper size? x'3
Thanks to all the people who joined!!! (I loved them all tbh and it was hella hard to choose two D:) The support and response for this fic has been unbelievable and very much appreciated. You guys make incredible motivation for me ;)
For the winners, please tell me what prize you want! Fanfic, fanart, or Yesasia gift cert. ^^
It was the streaming sunlight coming from the window that eventually woke Junsu up, narrowed eyes staring upwards at the ceiling, the back of his hand against his forehead. With a wince, he untangled himself from the blanket and stretched, groaning as he worked out the kinks in his limbs. Why had he been curled up against the wall like that the whole night?
He suddenly sat up, eyes wide. Memories came rushing back, too fast for him to follow. Clubbing yesterday night, arguing - could he even call that arguing? - with Yoochun later that night, not sleeping, taking a jaunt down to the bar and being the nostalgic idiot that he was, started playing his old song which had brought Yoochun down as well and had caused this whole mess to begin with. He slapped a head over his forehead.
It was the thought of what had transpired that sent a shiver through his body as he looked around the empty room. It struck him as odd that he hadn't woken up when the other man had - he was so used to living here by now that his eyes would automatically open as soon as Yoochun sat up. He'd always had a habit of adjusting to his surroundings easily - which made it all the more difficult to leave every time he visited home but left after only a few days.
He panicked - had Yoochun been just trying to make him feel better last night by saying he wasn't angry but the true fact was that he really didn't feel comfortable around him anymore - and then the irony struck him. Nothing had really happened last night (well not quite what he'd wanted to happen anyway and that made him blush; he knew he should be thankful he didn't get his lights punched out) and he was acting like it was the morning after with the guy having taken off as soon as the sun had risen. It wasn't as if the two had done anything, so why did Junsu feel like a huge chunk of his heart was hanging in the balance, swinging like a pendulum between heartbreak and heartache? He couldn't see any other alternative. Either way, he held the short end of the stick.
Well, there wasn't any use worrying now, was there? If Yoochun decided to change his mind, Junsu was going to face it like a man. And then maybe a good cry at Changmin's or Jaejoong's but afterwards, it would be back to business as usual when he flew back to Japan. His life didn't allow for time to worry about stuff like this, least of all when it involved a guy. He clapped his hands over his cheeks to shake off the fatigue of just waking up and an uneasy look around the room was all he allowed himself before he rolled off the bed and stood up, toes buried into the rug.
"Now what am I supposed to do?" he sighed in a tiny voice, walking over to a drawer to pull it open and randomly grabbing a shirt and pair of faded jeans. He debated with himself whether he should leave before having to deal with the humiliation (and pain) of facing Yoochun and his promise of 'talking about it tomorrow?' - he was going to face it but he wasn't going to voluntarily give himself up if he could avoid it for the time being. He quickly stripped out of the old short-sleeved shirt and shorts he slept with and pulled his outfit together, grabbing his watch off the dresser.
He walked to the bathroom next-door, switching on the light overhead on his way in. A tired looking man stared back at him - but the way he smiled easier and his eyes looked just a bit less dull than a month ago wasn't lost on him. He brushed his teeth and decided not to gel his hair since it was growing out quickly and he needed a trim. His bangs, swept to the left, were beginning to dip low past his eyebrows.
He lingered in the bathroom for just awhile longer before he finally decided on his plans for the day and headed back to the room for his wallet, keys, and cell phone. He descended the steps once the aforementioned items were safely in his pockets. When he reached the bottom floor, the last thing he expected to see was Yoochun lounging on one of the long couches by the far end of the bar, reading a small book in his hand and an arm under his head.
Junsu wordlessly stepped off the last step, the sound making Yoochun look up and tilt his head towards him. The silence was deafening. Junsu almost shrunk back at the thoughtful gaze aimed his way by the other.
"Morning," Yoochun finally called out, swinging his legs so that his feet hit the ground, stretching a little. "I thought you'd never get up," he said with a teasing smile. He stood up and with the book tucked in his left palm, Yoochun slowly walked to stand in front of Junsu, who was looking as if a bomb had erupted next to him.
"Clubbing takes a lot out of you?" he offered weakly as an excuse, unsure of how to respond to how normal this situation was. Junsu had a feeling Yoochun could see right through him. Neither of them had slept much last night, both twisting and turning while facing opposite directions.
Yoochun had woken to find Junsu curled around the wall early this morning, as if trying to keep as physically far away from him as he could. While Yoochun could guess the reason why Junsu felt the need to do that, it still hurt. "You just need to go more often," Yoochun teased, his right hand clenched in his pocket. Somewhere at the back of his mind he knew he should get to the point, ask why and demand answers from Junsu towards an issue that was probably very personal. "Where are you going today?" he blurted out, shifting his weight onto the other foot to appear relaxed. He could barely stand the awkwardness that hung between the two of them. The expression on the other man's face told him he hadn't been expecting that question.
"I - ah - figured I would visit Changmin, because he left so quickly last night. I think he might not have been feeling well...How about you?" Junsu flashed a brave little smile at him and Yoochun wanted to give him a hug, but he figured they might've done a bit too much of that the night before, but if only to reassure him that Yoochun wasn't going to do anything that would warrant such a nervous reaction. But he kept his hands to himself and the two feet of space between them.
"I was thinking of doing a little shopping by myself."
"Oh."
The two avoided each other's gaze as they lapsed into silence once again. The last part of what Yoochun said struck Junsu particularly hard and when the thought became obvious on his face, Yoochun sighed and shook his head, rubbing the back of his head.
"I just need some time to think about it. It's not because I -"
"It was nothing!" Junsu burst out, biting his lip. Yoochun stared. "I mean...God, what am I saying. I'm just...I'm sorry I did that last night. I didn't mean it." He looked put out and regretful, suddenly deflating.
"You didn't?"
"Well," he wringed his hands in nervousness, dropping his eyes to the floor, "It came out all wrong. If I was ever...ever going to confess, it wasn't going to end up like that. The last thing I want is to scare you off. I don't know what I was thinking last night." His voice was barely a whisper by the time he was done.
Yoochun blinked in the face of Junsu's sudden outburst. "So you...didn't mean it?" he repeated dumbly.
"No, that's not it. I like you," he stated bluntly and Yoochun's eyes widened at his boldness, " - and I've decided that since last night happened, I should stop hiding it. It was my fault and I'll accept the consequences." He screwed his eyes shut, cringing. When nothing happened and all he could hear was silence, he opened one eye to see Yoochun smiling and trying to muffle small sounds of laughter behind a hand. He blinked.
"Do you usually confess to someone and then apologize for it?"
"What? No!"
"Then why are you apologizing to me? I would've thought you'd done enough of that last night." Yoochun couldn't help but laugh again. Junsu was still Junsu, regardless if he was gay or if he had a crush on him or something. Nothing would change the way Junsu stared bewilderedly at him, as if he couldn't believe Yoochun was actually teasing him right now. "If I was going to do anything to you, I would've done it last night, not wait till now."
"Well...why didn't you?"
Yoochun stared at him. "Because you're my friend and whether you like men or women won't change that."
"Really?" he asked quietly, unsure.
"Really," Yoochun replied in what he hoped sounded like a reassuring tone. "But I…uh…need to think about this, because it's not every day a guy kisses me. That's what I'm going to do today. Okay?"
Looking a little stunned, Junsu nodded. "O-okay."
"I'm thinking maybe we can close up the bar again and go out for dinner tonight. Good idea?"
He nodded again.
Satisfied, Yoochun made to move past him. "Keep your cell phone with you and I'll call at around five to let you know where to meet up. And - " He turned serious, "I'm not too sure of anything right now, but what I do want is for nothing to change between us. I told you what happened to me last night because I trust you and nothing you did up till now has made me change my mind."
Junsu bit his lip, the lump in his throat making it hurt to talk. He coughed. "I'm glad I have a friend like you," he said hoarsely, looking away.
Yoochun looked at him for a second, before patting him on the shoulder and left. Junsu heard the jingling of the door behind him and he shut his eyes tightly. It took him several minutes to collect himself before he moved, locking the door behind him as he set off down the street towards his young friend's apartment, Yoochun's words resounding in his mind.
It wasn't that he doubted Yoochun's words. They were more sincere than he could have ever asked for. But guilt ate at him, because Yoochun had mentioned trust, and Junsu's whole existence, to him, was built on a lie.
~*~*~
Junsu received his second shock of the day, when the door to Changmin's place flew open to reveal an impeccably dressed Jaejoong who was clutching a spatula. They stared at each other before Jaejoong whacked him over the head with his choice of weapon and Junsu squawked in outrage. Laughing, the older man pulled him into the apartment and shut the door.
"What are you doing here, hyung? And why'd you hit me?" Junsu whined, rubbing his head and pouting at his friend.
"Changmin's sick and because you looked so depressed. You two will be the death of me, I swear," he rolled his eyes as he ran back into the small kitchen. "Lock the door behind you!"
"He is?" After doing what he'd been told, Junsu followed the wonderful smell of Jaejoong's home cooking and peered over his shoulder. "Where is he?"
Jaejoong idly flipped the pancake. "In bed, as he rightfully should be. Can you believe he had his head bent over a lab report while nursing a fever? I banished him into the bedroom and he's been napping on and off since this morning. I think he's reading a textbook right now so you can keep him company while I finish this up. Have you eaten yet? Should I make more?"
Smiling fondly at the concern in Jaejoong's voice, Junsu hugged him from behind and settled his chin on his shoulder. "Yes please, umma."
"Hey, no teasing at this hour. I've been up since nine and that's just inhumane."
Junsu made no attempts to move, shifting so that his forehead rested on Jaejoong's shoulder instead, inhaling deeply. This position, however, reminded him of how Yoochun had held him as he shook in fear and panic that he'd lost him forever because of his stupid actions, and he tightened his hold around Jaejoong's waist.
"Junsu?" He got no reply and Jaejoong frowned, shaking his shoulder lightly to incite a response from his suddenly comatose friend. "Weren't you out clubbing with Changmin and that Yoochun of yours last night?"
Groaning, he let go of him and stepped back, shaking his head. "Don't even remind me...and Yoochun's not mine."
He dumped the finished pancake onto the plate next to him, where three were already sitting. He reached for the batter. "Why?"
"Because...because I did something stupid and I'm just lucky Yoochun isn't homophobic or I'd be crashing your place tonight and every night after until I book my ticket back to Japan."
"Well...that doesn't sound good," he said lightly, eyes in front of him as he shook the pan to even out the batter into a circular shape. "Actually, that would be terrible. You snore."
"I do not!"
"Well if anything, I should know because I had to room with you in Japan."
Junsu stared at him with a hurt expression. "Hyung! Shouldn't you be asking me what I did?"
"What did you do?"
"I - " He blushed lightly, shaking his head. "I kissed him."
Jaejoong's hands stilled, before they resumed their task. "And?"
"He didn't hit me," Junsu said almost wonderingly; head tilted, "and we're having dinner tonight to talk. He said we're still...friends. Is it selfish of me to want more?"
"It depends."
That caught him off-guard. "What?"
"On whether he’s gay or not," Jaejoong continued. "But he accepts you the way you are and ...you should be grateful for that." 'And the fact that he actually managed to make my opinion of him go up.'
"I am grateful," Junsu muttered, a defeated expression settling on his face. "I'm so grateful, the fact that I can't tell him everything is worse than the thought of being forced to go back."
Jaejoong dumped the pancake onto the plate and shut off the stove before turning around. "Are you sure?"
"But I won't tell him," Junsu shook his head, "not when you and Changmin have done so much for me already. It'd be unfair to you guys. I need to know for sure that something's going to change before I go back. I won't go back to the way things were. I can't."
"Junsu, Changmin and I did it for you. That means any decision you make, you should make it for yourself. If you want to and if you feel you can trust him, tell him. If you think that it's not necessary, don't."
He looked confused. "But - "
"Changmin called me last night to ask whether what he did was wrong," Jaejoong's gaze softened, "because you seemed unhappy." Junsu's eyes widened, but he stayed silent. "I don't know why he would think that, but if you owe us anything, it's for you to try your damndest to find happiness."
They stared at each other, before a voice calling from another room interrupted their conversation. Jaejoong smiled and turned Junsu around and pushed up out of the kitchen. "Go talk to him and hit him for me if he's still reading his textbook. Tell him I'll be done in fifteen minutes." He reached for the fridge. "Orange juice sound good?"
"Yeah," Junsu said softly. "Thanks, hyung."
Knowing he wasn't referring to the food, Jaejoong nodded. "You're welcome."
He made his way down a small hallway before knocking on a door that was left ajar, revealing a Changmin who was propped up against what looked like ten pillows ('Probably Jaejoong's doing'), an open textbook on his lap.
The younger man looked up. "Hyung! What are you doing here?"
"What do you mean what am I doing here?" It took three steps to reach the side of the bed. He reached over to muss up his hair, his heart aching at the wince that crossed Changmin's face. He stopped immediately and withdrew his hand. "I'm sorry, does your head hurt?"
"A little bit," Changmin rubbed his forehead but he looked up anyway and smiled. "How was last night?"
In a sudden burst of emotion, he flung both arms around his neck and half-landed on him, kicking away his textbook in the process. The two of them toppled over under his weight. "I'm sorry, Min!"
"Hey, my textbook - What're you talking about, hyung?" Bewildered, Changmin tentatively wound his arms around him, blinking at the ceiling.
"Why didn't you tell me you felt sick? I wouldn't have made you go with me if you had told me! Why do you act more like the hyung than I do?" He wailed exaggeratedly, meaning every word.
For once, Changmin was left speechless. He worked his mouth several times to try to say something, until finally he resorted to sighing. "Hyung, you're crushing me."
Junsu rolled off of him and discretely knocked the textbook off the bed from where he had kicked it. "I can't even jump on you right," he grumbled.
"Or stop me from reading my text without destroying it. That thing cost me ninety thousand won."
Junsu stared at him, before getting up obediently to pick up the textbook, discretely closing it to hide the small tear that had appeared on page 268, and gently placed it on Changmin's desk. Then he flung himself back on the bed, landed with a loud thump, and promptly snuggled into the sick man's side.
"What's gotten into you?" Changmin asked absentmindedly, idly laying a hand on his forehead to check his own temperature.
"Why didn't you tell me you were sick?" Junsu asked quietly, closing his eyes against the blanket he was currently attempting to bury himself in.
"I just had a headache, I didn't know it'd get bad enough for me to have to go home."
"But you should've told me anyway! I would've gone with you!"
He shrugged. "Why make you needlessly worry? Besides, you were there to have fun and there was no need to ruin it." Changmin turned to face the man at his side, eyes narrowed though Junsu couldn't see from where he was. "Did you have fun?"
"Yeah," Junsu sat up breathlessly, smiling, "it was...fun." He tried not to wince at his shaky tone - last night had been anything but fun and if he had left with Changmin, it probably would've saved him a lot of grief - but there was no need to tell Changmin any of that. Changmin had enough to worry about, like school, and Junsu refused to add to the burden anymore. It was time he acted the older one for once.
"Good," the younger man eyed him sceptically but did not raise any questions.
They sat and lay there in silence, comfortable enough with each other not to become awkward. It was, however, Changmin who spoke up first.
"...Hyung?"
"Hm?" He was too comfortable and drowsy (he had lost an inordinate amount of sleep last night) to form a coherent response.
"Are you - How are you doing so far at DBSK?"
"Pretty good...no more crazy schedules."
"But what do you think of the place? You've been there for awhile now...about three weeks?"
"Something like that," he murmured and pushed himself up to grin at his friend. "It's really great. It's nice to be able to just stand on a small little platform and sing my heart out. And it's hilarious watching Yoochun sometimes. You're not always around because you're busy with your studies - as you should be - " Junsu quickly added as Changmin opened his mouth, " - and you know last week the sink was doing some crazy things? I insisted we call a plumber but Yoochun said he could totally fix it and ended up getting drenched because he fiddled with the wrong pipe." He laughed again at the memory.
Changmin smiled back at him. Junsu flopped back onto the bed and rolled over onto his back. "Did I thank you when you came to pick me up at the airport?" He suddenly spoke up, chin tilted towards the ceiling with his eyes closed.
"Well I recall some body slamming that knocked me and your luggage all over the floor but no, I don't think so."
"Min!" Junsu cracked open an eye to see his friend trying to disguise a snigger as a cough behind a hand. He swatted at him half-heartedly. "Even when I'm trying to be grateful you still make fun of me."
"It's weird if you voice it. It's okay just to accept my goodwill," he said in all seriousness, managing an absolute straight face.
Junsu stuck his tongue out at him and hmphed as he rolled over onto his side, facing away from him. "Fine, I'm just going to ignore you now until you start treating me like a hyung."
His dongsaeng chuckled at his behaviour and the two lapsed into silence again, deep in their own thoughts. Junsu fidgeted a little, unsure of how to reassure Changmin that he really was truly happier here than he'd been in Japan...at least, after the first couple months of being there, when reality had hit him hard in the face. When his inadequacy had been laid out before him in several very simple words. But Changmin always knew these things about him - was the first to know about what had happened, even before his brother had found out. Because friends made humiliations easier to deal with; when he'd mumbled it to Changmin over the phone a week later (having cried himself out the past several nights), he hadn't needed to deal with feeling like he'd brought shame to him.
Junsu certainly wasn't stupid - a bit dense maybe, he had to admit, and nowhere near as smart as Changmin - but Jaejoong had awakened awareness within him to Changmin's state. Why would Changmin need to ask Jaejoong whether 'what he'd done was right or wrong for Junsu'? In the last four years, when had Junsu developed such a dependence on his friend? At the same time, his friend had decided to grow up one day and take care of him instead. That was why he asked those questions just now. No matter how grown up Changmin was, he still needed the reassurance from his hyung (whichever one) that what he had done was right, that he hadn't screwed things up even more. Even though Changmin was capable of a lot of things, he still retained that childlike self-doubt that had plagued him for most of his life. That Junsu knew very well.
"Geez, must I do all the work around here?"
They both turned to the door to see Jaejoong struggling with a large tray. Junsu immediately scrambled over to the door to help him and they safely brought the tray to the bed, where Changmin scooted over to make room. It felt like they were having a picnic on the bed and Junsu couldn't help but smile fondly to himself as Changmin and Jaejoong began to squabble over how many pancakes he was allowed to eat.
Once they were all happily chewing, Jaejoong suddenly snapped his fingers, causing both sets of eyes to jump to him. The oldest man turned to Junsu. "I forgot tell you. The company said you need to show up for the next few days in order to be on schedule for your official comeback after your 'break.'"
His expression immediately twisted into a look of distaste, frustration etched on his face. "Hyung, I'm on vacation. Can't - can't you tell them to leave me alone? We agreed on a month at the very least!"
Jaejoong bit his lip and shook his head, looking regretful. The sudden panic on Junsu's face made his heart ache. "I'm sorry, Junsu. The contract you signed leaves you almost no way out. There's...not much I can do about that."
They both turned to Changmin, who had stopped eating to stare quietly at his plate. He looked up when he felt their gazes on him. Letting out a small sigh, he shook his head as well and Junsu's face fell. "I do anymore meddling and the Seoul police will have every legitimate reason to throw me behind bars."
"If they're already preparing for my comeback how will I ever convince them to do things...my way?" His left hand fisted the blanket next to him.
His friends shared a glance and both turned back to him helplessly. He squeezed his eyes shut and put his fork down, appetite gone.
"Junsu...?" The eldest in the room asked softly, concern drifting over his face.
He shook his head, rubbing his forehead tiredly. "I'm fine. I just...it's like being trapped in a corner with the whole world's eyes on me. I can't do what they want anymore. I can't."
"I know," Jaejoong said simply, understanding in his eyes. An understanding that had always been there, ever since day one when they had met for the first time in the studio to shoot his first single cover.
"Sometimes I wonder whether it will be easier just to...end it all - " Changmin's head whipped sharply in his direction and Jaejoong's eyes widened; he laughed and shook his head. "I mean my career. Or if I can even call it mine anymore."
"Do what you want," Changmin said nonchalantly, his intelligent gaze burning holes into him. The comment, coming from anyone else, could've been construed as rude, but they had been friends for too long for those kinds of misunderstandings.
Jaejoong, on the other hand, whacked him over the head. "That was for the tasteless insinuation.”
"Hey!" He pouted, rubbing at his head.
"Can't say you didn't deserve that," Changmin added with a small grin.
He threw them both an annoyed glance but turned onto Jaejoong with a more serious expression. "Does this have anything to do with those photos you took that day?"
"Probably," was his answer accompanied with a shrug.
Junsu sighed. "Guess I have no choice. Maybe I'll go visit mom and dad afterwards. When do they want me in - at the latest?"
He pulled out his cell phone and scrolled through his text messages. "Tomorrow morning," Jaejoong reported.
Changmin's face twisted into a look of distaste. "They're not wasting any time, are they?"
Running a hand through his hair, Junsu lay down and curled up on the bed, resolutely closing his eyes. "I need a nap." Tiredness clung to every part of his body.
"You're going to take the bed from a sick man?" Changmin accused, though the hand that ran through Junsu's hair softly said otherwise.
Jaejoong lifted the tray off the bed as Junsu crawled under the covers and cuddled up to Changmin's side, murmuring how tired he was and how he had gotten no sleep last night. Drowsiness was beginning to hit him and he threw an arm over Changmin's lap, sighing softly. His brain hurt - he didn't want to think anymore.
Changmin glanced questioningly at a Jaejoong smiling fondly down at Junsu, who was now half-asleep.
"I'll clean up around your mess of an apartment while you guys rest, okay?"
"Thanks, hyung," Changmin said gratefully, glancing down at his friend with concern. His breathing had evened almost instantly and to see Junsu drop off to sleep so quickly proved that he hadn't been lying when he'd said he was lacking sleep. "Will he be okay?" he asked himself softly, almost wonderingly.
"He's not weak, that's for sure," Jaejoong said simply, stacking the plates on the tray while moving towards the door. "But don't you think Junsu needs to find his own way? We can't lead him by the hand anymore. He knows that. He knows that he's fallen, hit rock bottom - "
" - and he needs to climb back out. On his own," Changmin finished, his hand resuming its stroking of the sleeping man's hair. He looked up at Jaejoong, eyes wide and sad and full of hope.
Jaejoong smiled just as sadly and left the room.