"Music Is My Life" [12/20]
Title: Music Is My Life [12/20]
Pairing: Yoochun/Junsu, Jaejoong/Yunho
Genre: AU, drama/romance
Warnings: None
Summary: It's the summer of 2007 and Park Yoochun is determined to be successful. After a string of failures during the early part of the year, he's ready to piece his life back together and start anew - especially in his career as a singer/composer. However, things don't turn out so well when the bar he performs at is taken over by a new singer, Kim Junsu.
There was a certain irony in the fact that Yoochun, whether he made him want to smile or cry, always managed to make him lose sleep.
He curled up tighter, eyes burning holes into the wall next to him as Yoochun behind him slumbered ever so peacefully. He was even starting to snore, and Junsu couldn't help finding it irritatably endearing - which meant he was in serious trouble. What was it about Yoochun? Everything he did - the way he hummed during work, the way he played piano with his eyes blissfully closed, the way he scribbled random lyrics everywhere he went (Junsu had found more than one napkin with scribbles usually crossed off to the point of being illegible) - gnawed away at Junsu's resolve to keep quiet, stay away from the good looking man with the thoughtful gaze, until he had to leave all this behind. He knew it was impossible.
So why did he keep getting the urge to flip the sleeping man over onto his back and kiss him, to coax the man's mouth open and taste -
He groaned silently and buried his face into the pillow.
Tonight - well, last night, since it was practically morning by now - had been a wake up call, however. Yoochun liked women. Found them sexy and gorgeous enough to wind an arm around their tiny waists, bury his fingers in long locks of brown or black or blonde, nuzzle a slender neck and look into wide eyes fringed with long lashes. Everything Junsu clearly wasn't. And Junsu couldn't fault him for that. He knew it happened often, a gay man falling for a straight one. He knew it wouldn't work out and it wouldn't be the fault of either one of them. Not that it would make it any easier if Junsu could blame him. Or blame anyone else, for that matter.
He'd long accepted the fact that he liked men. It wasn't something he thought about often and he hadn't had a 'crush' like this in a long time. Then again, he rarely had a chance to make friends in the last few years; that was probably why. The people he surrounded himself with and those who surrounded him were just off limits.
Sometimes he would wonder why he and Jaejoong hyung didn't fall for each other. It would've been so much simpler - and the problem of not liking men wouldn't have factored in at all. But the idea always made him a little weirded out, like dating his brother. Jaejoong had never had a boyfriend in the four years he had known him. He'd always joked about it though, or implied that he'd had someone in bed with him the night before in that non-chalant tone of his, but nothing substantial. So Junsu and him had something in common in that regard. Still, a relationship wasn't something Junsu particularly desired, given his choice of career and schedule, but he somehow always forgot that when he was with Yoochun. He could only imagine what a relationship with Yoochun would be like - dangerous thoughts for a man like him.
With a sigh, he sat up, running a hand through his hair. He glanced over at the other man, sprawled on his back and looking blissfully at peace. Exactly the opposite of him. It was - he looked at the small clock on the table - five in the morning though outside was still pitch dark. Finally he inched forward and slid off the bed at the end, not wanting to wake his roommate. Yoochun merely snorted and turned over, his snoring having stopped at his change of position.
A small smile passed briefly across his face but it slid off as he padded his way across the room, walking slowly out the door so as not to make any noise. There were small creaking sounds that made him wince but he was out with the door closed quietly behind him without waking Yoochun up.
Slipping into a pair of fluffy sheep slippers (he'd bought a pair of bunny ones for Yoochun, who had laughed and thanked him after receiving them; the memory made him smile again) he trudged down the stairs and into the bar. He didn't bother to turn on the lights - the windows were able to cast a pale blue sheen of light allowing him a minimal amount of vision. At least he could move past the tables and chairs and step up onto the stage, sliding a few fingers across the cold keyboard that Yoochun hadn't bothered to pack up the night before as he took a seat before it.
He flicked a finger across the switch to turn it on, a soft humming filling the air. Positioning his hands over the keys, he held them still. He wanted to sing. But it was a particular song he wanted to sing; something he had written a long time ago. Something to bring him back into the reality of what he was escaping from and what he eventually would have to face.
This song used to give him strength when many people told him he wasn't good enough. But now it made him sad, because it reminded him of what was inevitable.
Sighing, he gently pressed the keys, trying to play as softly as he could. He slowly and meticulously played through the intro, a part he was so familiar with he could've probably played with his eyes closed. He always reached the first verse and his hands would automatically stop playing, would still in their incessent movement. But now he surged onwards, mouth opening to accompany the music, forming foreign words and foreign feelings, feelings he had never experienced before but could write in startling clarity.
Maybe this was the only way he knew to stop his heart from falling further. He'd only known Yoochun for a few weeks, this he knew in his mind. The lyrics he had written when he was so young now became almost like a premonition.
When had singing become something sad?
~*~*~
Yoochun was woken up by a sweet tune flowing through the air. An even sweeter voice was winding up the stairs, into the room, and he closed his eyes again for a second, relishing the sound. He never failed to be impressed with Junsu's skill. But he noticed something strange and sat up abruptly, concentrating on the barely audible lyrics of the song.
He could probably attribute it to Junsu's skill as a performer, but the song itself didn't contain the usual emotional singing that Junsu usually used when performing one of his ballads. This time, he sounded soft, stilted, almost as if he was unsure whether he should continue. It was odd to hear uncertainty from Junsu's voice - every piece he sang, he sang with confidence and surety.
Yoochun couldn't claim to know Junsu very well. After all, they'd only known each other a few weeks. But sometimes, whenever he saw Junsu staring off into space while wiping glasse by the bar or singing softly to himself, he wanted to put an arm around him and tell him it would be okay. SOmehow, Yoochun had grown to feel that it was wrong to see Junsu without a smile. Junsu's face was meant to look happy.
'Have...I been doing something wrong lately?' Yoochun had had a faint inkling that Junsu's very recent melancholy had been because of him. But he really couldn't figure out why. Usually if his friends were angry at him (like Stephanie) they would tell him directly what he'd done wrong. Yoochun didn't think he was a very difficult person to approach. Likewise, Yunho would tell him if he was doing something stupid and vice versa. Junsu, however, clammed up and masked it with shakey smiles and dimmed eyes. It was painfully obvious to anyone that something was occupying Junsu's mind and it was hurtful, to say that least, that he refused to speak to Yoochun about it.
So they hadn't been friends for long. But how long had Junsu known Stephanie? Yet Stephanie was the one who heard from Junsu about what was bothering him.
Yoochun wasn't used to playing guessing games with his friends - especially in America when his friends were loud, straightforward, and told him straight to his face if he was screwing up. Rather, he didn't know how to play the game. It struck him as something unnecessary, because he felt that friends should be able to say things to each other and be accepted for it. What was the point of being friends then?
He listened to the singing some more, but frowned as he realized something odd. Getting out of bed, he padded to the door and opened it, Junsu's voice suddenly becoming much clearer.
When the song came to an end, he left the room, slipped into his slippers (he still smiled occasionally at the memory of Junsu bouncing up to him one afernoon a week after he'd been there, holding up shopping bags with a pleased look on his face), and walked down the steps to see Junsu hunched over his keyboard, staring blankly into space. His hands were resting lightly on the keys and he looked almost shellshocked.
Yoochun hurried over to his side, standing by the bottom of the stage with his eyes never leaving Junsu's face. Junsu looked up and to the side, eyes meeting his. Takenback, Yoochun could only watch as Junsu struggled to smile, looking surprised and trying (and failing) to cover his unhappiness.
He stepped onto the stage. Junsu instinctively scooted over and then looked embarrassed, averting his eyes. With a thankful smile, Yoochun took the offered seat, heart warming. At least Junsu wasn't acting hostile towards him, which was a good sign, right?
"What are you doing down here?" the other man whispered, looking back at him, lost.
"I heard you..." he opened his mouth to continue, found he really had nothing to say, and shut his mouth, hoping he didn't come off like a complete idiot.
Junsu laughed weakly, tucking his hands on his lap almost apologetically. "Oh. Sorry, I didn't realize I was being so loud."
"You weren't. I liked it."
"Really?" He looked pleased.
Yoochun nodded. "Did you write it?"
"Yeah, a...long time ago. It was one of my first pieces actually."
"Isn't it in Japanese? I didn't know you could speak it so well."
"I learned it when I was seventeen. It was really hard and I'm still practicing," Junsu answered his inquiry, looking sheepish.
"Well being able to write lyrics in another language is pretty damn good. My English isn't good enough for that, though it doesn't stop me from trying." He chuckled, remembering Stephanie's expression when she read some of them. "Steph always told me I should go back to high school just to make up for those English classes I skipped back in America."
"You skipped classes?" Junsu looked surprised, almost scandalized, and Yoochun bit back a laugh.
"Yeah. It's much easier than you'd think. I know how tough it is here, but the teachers there really didn't care. Once I said I was going to the bathroom and never came back and the teacher never asked about it the next day."
"But that's - "
"Everyone did it. But you know, teenagers do stupid things. I was no exception." He patted Junsu on the shoulder. "Hey I did graduate, so you don't have to look so worried."
"That's - not what I was worried about," he said, trying to look convincing. "High school...it seem so long ago."
"What was your graduation like? I've always wanted to know. Is it like those dramas?"
Junsu shook his head uncertainly. "I...never went to mine."
"Really?" When Junsu didn't answer, Yoochun laughed lightly. "Then we're even. I skipped classes and you skipped your graduation. See, we all have our deep dark secrets."
"Yeah. We do, don't we?" He was beginning to look upset and Yoochun blinked, unnerved by the change. "I would've liked to go, you know. Some things came up - I had to be somewhere else at the time and I missed...Well my friend was valedictorian." He laughed humourlessly, hands clenching tighter on his lap. His expression remained closed, eyes staring somewhere past Yoochun's head. "I missed his speech. I had my diploma mailed to me. I didn't even go on the grad trip that my friends organized."
"Neither did I. I was in Korea by then."
"Why didn't you leave after the trip? You could've - "
Yoochun waved a hand carelessly, shrugging with a small grin. "Wasn't as important as being here. This was important, coming home. And I was closer to Stephanie than anyone else back in the US. It was definitely more worthwhile than paying money to go to some cottage by a beach or something. Whatever you had to do at the time - wasn't it more important than that?"
"Hm..." Junsu pondered contemplatively. "Probably, at the time. But I don't know anymore." He sighed and looked tiredly back at him. "Would you...can you do me a favour?"
"Sure, what is it? Waaait, it better not be running to the nearest store to get you something at this hour - "
He laughed, and Yoochun was gratified to see that. "No. Can you...play Beautiful Thing for me? I have music sheets upstairs - " He stopped when Yoochun looked uncertainly at him.
"Um..." Yoochun looked away, embarrassed.
"You don't have to if you don't want to," Junsu hurriedly added, looking a bit disappointed.
"It's not that!" He shook his head, putting a hand on the piano and playing a random chord, a bit from an unfinished song. "I...can't actually read notes. I've never had formal training in piano."
"You - you haven't? But you play so well," Junsu looked genuinely shocked, mouth hanging open. "And you compose!"
He shrugged. "I can't really play anything I don't know." He grinned briefly. "Sorry to disappoint you."
"You didn't - you could never - I have no right to be," he finished defeatedly, closing his eyes.
Yoochun frowned. 'What's that supposed to mean?'
"You play really well for someone who was self-taught," Junsu spoke up again.
"All started with some fiddling around. I got some help from a sunbae in high school for 'Like Weather' and it just went on from there."
"That's - I admire you a lot, Yoochun," Junsu murmured, eyes trained on the keyboard.
Yoochun started at that confession, raising an eyebrow. "What's there to admire? I'm just a typical 'starving artist,' as you once said," he joked, expecting a laugh or a grin or agreement from his friend. Instead, what he got was a firm shake of his head, and a pair of shadowed eyes looking at him painfully.
"No, you're not. You try so hard, you gave everything up for your dream. Even after four years without seeing your family, you're giving it everything you've got. I just wish...I could learn to appreciate what I have right now. I wish I knew what I wanted. Sometimes I watch you sing and it's easy to tell you love what you do, even if the next day is still uncertain. Whereas I...I'm so tired of feeling undecided, of others doing the deciding for me. I wish I wasn't so weak." His voice trembled as silence settled between them. Suddenly, fear seized Junsu and he froze, wondering if he'd revealed too much. He stared at Yoochun, who looked back at him with the same uncertainty as before. "I don't know what to do. I thought I knew everything once, a long time ago, but now I don't," he whispered, the words falling freely from his lips. He felt like the room was spinning, the world was breaking apart, and he suddenly wished he'd never come here. Never came to Dong Bang Shin Ki, meeting new friends and him. Someone who was so like himself in a way, but so different. He was sure Yoochun would never have let it happen to him, if he was in the same position.
"Sorry, I'm just rambling," he finally muttered when the silence began to close in on him. "I - I think I'm just going to go to bed - " He made to stand but a hand latched onto his arm and pulled him down. He sat back down with a thump and before he knew what was happening, arms were winding around him and he was leaning against a hard chest covered by a thin white shirt. He looked straight into a pair of dark eyes and his breath hitched.
"I just - " Yoochun stopped, a little shocked at his own actions. Every fibre in his being was screaming at him to do something to stop the broken voice coming from the other man and Yoochun didn't believe in words. Or rather, he didn't believe that anything he could say would make Junsu feel better. This was a situation he didn't understand, couldn't understand. Junsu was speaking in riddles. Yoochun didn't think for a second that he could come off as empathetic. And he'd long come to realize that words were useless. Words hadn't helped him when he heard his mother crying over the phone, with Yoohawn in the next room sobbing into his pillow and a father not yet home from work. It had made his heart twist in his chest, and seeing Junsu on the verge of - something - initiated the same feeling in him. When he'd climbed back into bed he had pulled Yoohwan into a hug too, and eventually his brother had stopped crying.
But this wasn't his brother. And this was probably giving off a rather strange message so Yoochun tried again, "Don't - don't talk like that. Why are you so..."
Words spilled out quicker than he could stop them. Knowing what he could and could not say, however, a story he'd long forgotten came up onto the surface. "When I hit puberty, it lasted for three years. It almost took away my voice permanently. The doctor said I couldn't continue to sing anymore. But I tried. So hard and I...I always believed I gained my voice back. I couldn't hit the higher notes but at least I didn't lose my voice, right? But what if I lost something more than those few notes? What if I lost something and now I can never sing the way I want to again, because I'm not good enough anymore? And people won't like my singing because - "
"Stop."
" - I lost something innate in my voice - "
"Junsu!"
His eyes widened at the outburst and he shut his mouth, unsure. Yoochun tightened his arms around him and he closed his eyes, trying not to shudder. All his old insecurities welled up inside him, but at the same time he couldn't help reacting to the close proximity of another warm body beside him, touching him.
"Will you listen to my story?" he asked softly and Junsu nodded, afraid his voice would shake. It was taking every effort of his not to wind his arms around Yoochun's waist and lean in, just to absorb that warmth and let it sink into his skin, breathe in that clean smell of soap that was unmistakeably Yoochun's.
"I got a record deal about seven months ago."
"You what?" Junsu's head shot up and stared at Yoochun.
"Yeah," Yoochun smiled wryly. "Why am I working for Yunho then? I'm getting to it. When Yunho first opened this bar, I was the only performer, I got scouted by a small indie recording company, which was great at the time because that was exactly what I was looking for. I didn't - and still don't - want to work for some big company who would probably force me to adhere to some kind of mainstream standard. So I got scouted, auditioned, made it in. Because the company was only started a few years ago and they only have a couple of people and two bands signed, they require all their people to create their own music. They just didn't have the finances to hire composers and lyricists and manage their studio at the same time, which was just fine with the people they had signed. First of all, no financial burden on the company to support us if we turn out to be unsuccessful. Second of all, we were all alike, just wanting to let others listen to what we've created. It's not just about having a good voice, because let's face it, mine's not the best. But I love music and that's what got me to where I was."
"Then what happened?" He realized that Yoochun was telling him the story he hadn't been willing to tell him that other night and he wondered why he was telling him now.
"Well, this is the part I was afraid to tell you," he continued as if he'd just read Junsu's mind, "the producer had listened to some of my stuff and liked it but they obviously needed polishing and I needed more material for an album. So that's what we agreed on. If I could create a couple more tracks they would give me a studio to work with and they'd release my first album under their label. Well needless to say, I was ecstatic. The first person I told was Stephanie. That was also the day I asked her out." Junsu pulled back a little, startled. Yoochun pretended not to notice and continued, "I called Yunho, my family, my old friends. Anyone I could think of. I was happy. Somehow, it meant everything had paid off, leaving home and practically running away to Korea after what was supposed to be a short trip on my own 'back to the motherland.' I think Steph told you about that, the first night you came here, but even she doesn't know that the 'grad trip' wasn't really a grad trip at all."
"Then what was it? Your parents - "
"I saved up money and practically ran away on my own."
Junsu's mouth dropped open, eyes wide. He grinned at the reaction and pulled away slightly, so that the two were more comfortable on the bench. He still had an arm around the younger man's waist but Yoochun didn't seem to notice, enraptured in his story. "So you can see why my parents and I aren't exactly on the best terms, being the eldest son and all. It's better now...Now the only issue is with Yoohwan. But anyway," he continued with a shake of his head, "Steph and I started dating, officially dating, about a month later. After that it was like a downward spiral. The artists signed onto the company were pretty big names in the underground music scene here in Seoul and I just got involved with them. Of course I dragged Steph and Yunho with me. I went to everything and got invited to everything - clubs, parties, concerts, karaoke, drinking, you name it. In the end, I got screwed over because, well, all play and no work does not a good musician make. I lost the deal awhile ago. Steph broke up with me, I stupidly proposed, she refused, and then you came along."
Junsu stared at him confusedly. He couldn't quite make the connection between what Yoochun was saying and what he himself had been talking about.
Yoochun sighed and raised his hand, the one not on his waist, and ruffled Junsu's hair playfully, like a child. "For some reason you seem to think you're not good enough. You're amazing. I don't throw that around lightly so take it seriously. And for some reason you seem to think you're weak because you're not decisive enough. I'm not preaching to you but what happened to me, well, I can talk about it easily now, but at the time it was like my world was ending. I guess...it was something like, for the first time, it was me that screwed myself over. It's always been outside forces trying to stop me from what I wanted to do; my parents, the teachers at my high school, friends, being in the wrong country. The only good thing about America was meeting Stephanie. But I managed to fuck up the one thing I'd been working so hard for in the past...I don't know how many years. And I felt like a screw up because I was one."
"Yoochun..." Junsu murmured, staring at him with dark eyes. "You're not..."
"And that's what I'm trying to tell you," he said with a grin as Junsu trailed off uncertainly, looking heartbreakingly vulnerable. Yoochun's hand had taken residence behind Junsu's head, fingers buried in his soft hair, thumb rubbing gently over his cheek. "Messing up is okay. Being weak is okay. You've just got to have the will to fight your way back up. In a way I have you to thank, because you came at just the right time when I needed a little competition. I hope you'll let me help you too...if you need it."
They sat together in the silence, the keyboard still emitting a low hum throughout the air. Yoochun tried to gauge his reaction, peering directly at Junsu's face. The other man averted his eyes, staring at his lap instead. Finally, Yoochun plucked at the ends of Junsu's hair to get his attention. "Junsu?"
"Why do you have to be - " he stopped, eyes wide and brimming.
"I - did I say something wrong?" asked Yoochun, confused, eyes trained at the tear threatening to spill down soft cheeks.
"I really appreciate it. I do," Junsu said softly, Yoochun having to strain to hear him. A small smile was working its way onto his face, Yoochun realized with some relief.
"Good. I hate seeing you so sad," he responded equally as softly, returning the smile.
Junsu looked up at him. Suddenly, he reached forward and returned the embrace Yoochun had been bestowing on him all this time. He wound his arms around Yoochun's waist, sidling up to him until they were much closer face to face. Junsu could count the flecks of dark brown in Yoochun's eyes, noticeable by the dull light shining from the windows.
"Jun - "
"Why do you have to be so..." he whispered, feeling desire course through his veins, enough to leave him trembling. Before he realized what he was doing, he'd leaned forward and nuzzled Yoochun's cheek with his own. His own eyes falling shut, he pressed a soft kiss to the corner of the other man's mouth. His brain screamed at him, his imagination constantly replayed the image of Yoochun dancing with some random brunette under pulsing lights, but his arms only tightened and he leaned in completely until they were chest to chest. He could feel every breath Yoochun took. It made him feel alive like nothing before, not since he'd last stepped on a stage.Trailing tiny kisses along his jaw, he felt Yoochun arms around him go slack as he shivered with every light contact Junsu made.
Yoochun gasped as Junsu's mouth trailed past his jawline down his neck, grazing his lips against sensitive skin. A burst of heat erupted somewhere deep in his belly - he could suddenly, with startling clarity, imagine taking Junsu in his arms, crushing his lips against his, wringing every moan out of him in that light scratchy voice of his -
He grabbed his arms instead and pulled him away almost violently (and almost instantly regretting it). They stared at each other, Junsu wide eyed and Yoochun panting lightly, blinking as he watched with interest at the flush that worked its way onto Junsu's cheeks and the small sound of embarrassment that erupted from his lips. Realization dawned in his eyes and Yoochun backed away a little, his own hands falling onto his lap as Junsu almost jumped to the far end of the bench in a panic - Did he just kiss him?
"I - Oh my god - " he was flabbergasted, stumbling over his words, trying to come up with an excuse. But what could excuse his behaviour, he might as well have put a blinking neon I am gay and in love with my new friend sign on his head; better yet, he might as well have shouted it from the rooftops. He was quite effectively working himself into a panic. "Yoochun, I - "
"Why...did you..." he trailed off, unsure, eyeing his hyperventilating friend.
"Oh god!" At the sound of the tentative question, he buried his face in his hands. "You just - because you said - did - those things, I couldn't help - I like you!" He burst out, completely red in the face.
Yoochun stared.
"I like you." This time he said it a little more calmly, as if saying it once made it okay to say it again. He looked up and bit his lip, frowning deeply. WIth a tremor in his voice, he continued, "Li-like as in, more than a friend. Not that that wasn't obvious after that, but...I'm...gay. I'm sorry for not telling you, it-it just wasn't really something that came up in normal conversations and only Jaejoong and Changmin know - not even my family so-so I'm not used to people...knowing. I know it makes you uncomfortable because you're straight and here I am, a gay man trying to hit on you. But if-if you don't want to live with me anymore I can leave. I can call my dad today to come by and get my stuff. I-I understand if you don't even want to be in my presence anymore - "
"Uh...Junsu?"
" - it's perfectly understandable. I really didn't mean - want to - freak you out or anything I just felt that - "
"Junsu!" Yoochun grabbed his hand and pulled him forward. With a small sound of surprise, he fell forward and Yoochun moved to catch him, so that Junsu's head hit Yoochun's shoulder and he elbowed him in the stomache. With a grunt, Yoochun wrapped an arm around his shoulders to steady them. He could clearly feel the hard shakes reverberating through the smaller body.
"...you should know I like you," Yoochun heard murmured into his shoulder before he fell silent.
"Shut up for a sec, will you?"
Junsu shut his mouth but could not cease his trembling. He knew it; he was going to get kicked out and he'd have to go back to Japan now because Yoochun didn't want to be his friend anymore - how could he have been so stupid - He froze when he felt a hand slowly touch the small of his back and rotate in comforting circles.
They stayed in that position for ten minutes, Yoochun continuing his rubbing and Junsu gradually relaxing completely into his arms, unconsciously shifting a little to get more comfortable. Yoochun gave him five more minutes before he spoke up.
"Are you calm now?"
"Yeah. I'm - "
"Stop apologizing, please."
"Okay."
Maybe Yoochun...wasn't going to punch him and kick him out for pretending to be straight while sleeping in the same bed with him for so long? Junsu's mind raced.
Suddenly, Yoochun sighed and slid off the bench, pulling Junsu up with him. He stumbled from the unexpected action and Yoochun steadied him, a hand on his waist. Blushing, Junsu stared at the floor and stared at their hands, fingers laced together tightly. His hand was slack; Yoochun was the one holding to him. The brief flare of hope he quickly crushed - he should be expecting a slap anytime now.
"I'm going to bed and you're coming with me."
He looked up and uttered intelligently, "Huh?"
Rolling his eyes, Yoochun said, "It's six in the morning which means it's way too early for this. I need to sleep on it and you need to stop going crazy. Just...it's okay, alright? I'm not going to kick you out."
"You won't?" Junsu said hopefully, eyes shining.
Yoochun eyed him strangely. "No. Why would I? We're still friends."
From this, Junsu fell silent, afraid to speak. He was afraid he was going to burst into tears and cling onto Yoochun in gratitude. He'd heard stories of how certain gay people's straight friends reacted when they found out about their friend's sexual orientation. Yoochun was reacting far better than he'd imagine, but...his hand almost came up involuntary to touch his bottom lip.
Seeing the action, Yoochun's eyes averted to stare in the direction of the stairs to the second floor. "We'll talk about that tomorrow."
"Thanks," he said softly, looking down again to stare at his feet.
The silence suddenly became awkward and unwelcoming, but Yoochun tugged on his hand, he followed, and he tentatively tightened his hand around his. He almost sobbed in relief when he felt Yoochun squeeze back.
Pairing: Yoochun/Junsu, Jaejoong/Yunho
Genre: AU, drama/romance
Warnings: None
Summary: It's the summer of 2007 and Park Yoochun is determined to be successful. After a string of failures during the early part of the year, he's ready to piece his life back together and start anew - especially in his career as a singer/composer. However, things don't turn out so well when the bar he performs at is taken over by a new singer, Kim Junsu.
There was a certain irony in the fact that Yoochun, whether he made him want to smile or cry, always managed to make him lose sleep.
He curled up tighter, eyes burning holes into the wall next to him as Yoochun behind him slumbered ever so peacefully. He was even starting to snore, and Junsu couldn't help finding it irritatably endearing - which meant he was in serious trouble. What was it about Yoochun? Everything he did - the way he hummed during work, the way he played piano with his eyes blissfully closed, the way he scribbled random lyrics everywhere he went (Junsu had found more than one napkin with scribbles usually crossed off to the point of being illegible) - gnawed away at Junsu's resolve to keep quiet, stay away from the good looking man with the thoughtful gaze, until he had to leave all this behind. He knew it was impossible.
So why did he keep getting the urge to flip the sleeping man over onto his back and kiss him, to coax the man's mouth open and taste -
He groaned silently and buried his face into the pillow.
Tonight - well, last night, since it was practically morning by now - had been a wake up call, however. Yoochun liked women. Found them sexy and gorgeous enough to wind an arm around their tiny waists, bury his fingers in long locks of brown or black or blonde, nuzzle a slender neck and look into wide eyes fringed with long lashes. Everything Junsu clearly wasn't. And Junsu couldn't fault him for that. He knew it happened often, a gay man falling for a straight one. He knew it wouldn't work out and it wouldn't be the fault of either one of them. Not that it would make it any easier if Junsu could blame him. Or blame anyone else, for that matter.
He'd long accepted the fact that he liked men. It wasn't something he thought about often and he hadn't had a 'crush' like this in a long time. Then again, he rarely had a chance to make friends in the last few years; that was probably why. The people he surrounded himself with and those who surrounded him were just off limits.
Sometimes he would wonder why he and Jaejoong hyung didn't fall for each other. It would've been so much simpler - and the problem of not liking men wouldn't have factored in at all. But the idea always made him a little weirded out, like dating his brother. Jaejoong had never had a boyfriend in the four years he had known him. He'd always joked about it though, or implied that he'd had someone in bed with him the night before in that non-chalant tone of his, but nothing substantial. So Junsu and him had something in common in that regard. Still, a relationship wasn't something Junsu particularly desired, given his choice of career and schedule, but he somehow always forgot that when he was with Yoochun. He could only imagine what a relationship with Yoochun would be like - dangerous thoughts for a man like him.
With a sigh, he sat up, running a hand through his hair. He glanced over at the other man, sprawled on his back and looking blissfully at peace. Exactly the opposite of him. It was - he looked at the small clock on the table - five in the morning though outside was still pitch dark. Finally he inched forward and slid off the bed at the end, not wanting to wake his roommate. Yoochun merely snorted and turned over, his snoring having stopped at his change of position.
A small smile passed briefly across his face but it slid off as he padded his way across the room, walking slowly out the door so as not to make any noise. There were small creaking sounds that made him wince but he was out with the door closed quietly behind him without waking Yoochun up.
Slipping into a pair of fluffy sheep slippers (he'd bought a pair of bunny ones for Yoochun, who had laughed and thanked him after receiving them; the memory made him smile again) he trudged down the stairs and into the bar. He didn't bother to turn on the lights - the windows were able to cast a pale blue sheen of light allowing him a minimal amount of vision. At least he could move past the tables and chairs and step up onto the stage, sliding a few fingers across the cold keyboard that Yoochun hadn't bothered to pack up the night before as he took a seat before it.
He flicked a finger across the switch to turn it on, a soft humming filling the air. Positioning his hands over the keys, he held them still. He wanted to sing. But it was a particular song he wanted to sing; something he had written a long time ago. Something to bring him back into the reality of what he was escaping from and what he eventually would have to face.
This song used to give him strength when many people told him he wasn't good enough. But now it made him sad, because it reminded him of what was inevitable.
Sighing, he gently pressed the keys, trying to play as softly as he could. He slowly and meticulously played through the intro, a part he was so familiar with he could've probably played with his eyes closed. He always reached the first verse and his hands would automatically stop playing, would still in their incessent movement. But now he surged onwards, mouth opening to accompany the music, forming foreign words and foreign feelings, feelings he had never experienced before but could write in startling clarity.
Maybe this was the only way he knew to stop his heart from falling further. He'd only known Yoochun for a few weeks, this he knew in his mind. The lyrics he had written when he was so young now became almost like a premonition.
When had singing become something sad?
~*~*~
Yoochun was woken up by a sweet tune flowing through the air. An even sweeter voice was winding up the stairs, into the room, and he closed his eyes again for a second, relishing the sound. He never failed to be impressed with Junsu's skill. But he noticed something strange and sat up abruptly, concentrating on the barely audible lyrics of the song.
He could probably attribute it to Junsu's skill as a performer, but the song itself didn't contain the usual emotional singing that Junsu usually used when performing one of his ballads. This time, he sounded soft, stilted, almost as if he was unsure whether he should continue. It was odd to hear uncertainty from Junsu's voice - every piece he sang, he sang with confidence and surety.
Yoochun couldn't claim to know Junsu very well. After all, they'd only known each other a few weeks. But sometimes, whenever he saw Junsu staring off into space while wiping glasse by the bar or singing softly to himself, he wanted to put an arm around him and tell him it would be okay. SOmehow, Yoochun had grown to feel that it was wrong to see Junsu without a smile. Junsu's face was meant to look happy.
'Have...I been doing something wrong lately?' Yoochun had had a faint inkling that Junsu's very recent melancholy had been because of him. But he really couldn't figure out why. Usually if his friends were angry at him (like Stephanie) they would tell him directly what he'd done wrong. Yoochun didn't think he was a very difficult person to approach. Likewise, Yunho would tell him if he was doing something stupid and vice versa. Junsu, however, clammed up and masked it with shakey smiles and dimmed eyes. It was painfully obvious to anyone that something was occupying Junsu's mind and it was hurtful, to say that least, that he refused to speak to Yoochun about it.
So they hadn't been friends for long. But how long had Junsu known Stephanie? Yet Stephanie was the one who heard from Junsu about what was bothering him.
Yoochun wasn't used to playing guessing games with his friends - especially in America when his friends were loud, straightforward, and told him straight to his face if he was screwing up. Rather, he didn't know how to play the game. It struck him as something unnecessary, because he felt that friends should be able to say things to each other and be accepted for it. What was the point of being friends then?
He listened to the singing some more, but frowned as he realized something odd. Getting out of bed, he padded to the door and opened it, Junsu's voice suddenly becoming much clearer.
When the song came to an end, he left the room, slipped into his slippers (he still smiled occasionally at the memory of Junsu bouncing up to him one afernoon a week after he'd been there, holding up shopping bags with a pleased look on his face), and walked down the steps to see Junsu hunched over his keyboard, staring blankly into space. His hands were resting lightly on the keys and he looked almost shellshocked.
Yoochun hurried over to his side, standing by the bottom of the stage with his eyes never leaving Junsu's face. Junsu looked up and to the side, eyes meeting his. Takenback, Yoochun could only watch as Junsu struggled to smile, looking surprised and trying (and failing) to cover his unhappiness.
He stepped onto the stage. Junsu instinctively scooted over and then looked embarrassed, averting his eyes. With a thankful smile, Yoochun took the offered seat, heart warming. At least Junsu wasn't acting hostile towards him, which was a good sign, right?
"What are you doing down here?" the other man whispered, looking back at him, lost.
"I heard you..." he opened his mouth to continue, found he really had nothing to say, and shut his mouth, hoping he didn't come off like a complete idiot.
Junsu laughed weakly, tucking his hands on his lap almost apologetically. "Oh. Sorry, I didn't realize I was being so loud."
"You weren't. I liked it."
"Really?" He looked pleased.
Yoochun nodded. "Did you write it?"
"Yeah, a...long time ago. It was one of my first pieces actually."
"Isn't it in Japanese? I didn't know you could speak it so well."
"I learned it when I was seventeen. It was really hard and I'm still practicing," Junsu answered his inquiry, looking sheepish.
"Well being able to write lyrics in another language is pretty damn good. My English isn't good enough for that, though it doesn't stop me from trying." He chuckled, remembering Stephanie's expression when she read some of them. "Steph always told me I should go back to high school just to make up for those English classes I skipped back in America."
"You skipped classes?" Junsu looked surprised, almost scandalized, and Yoochun bit back a laugh.
"Yeah. It's much easier than you'd think. I know how tough it is here, but the teachers there really didn't care. Once I said I was going to the bathroom and never came back and the teacher never asked about it the next day."
"But that's - "
"Everyone did it. But you know, teenagers do stupid things. I was no exception." He patted Junsu on the shoulder. "Hey I did graduate, so you don't have to look so worried."
"That's - not what I was worried about," he said, trying to look convincing. "High school...it seem so long ago."
"What was your graduation like? I've always wanted to know. Is it like those dramas?"
Junsu shook his head uncertainly. "I...never went to mine."
"Really?" When Junsu didn't answer, Yoochun laughed lightly. "Then we're even. I skipped classes and you skipped your graduation. See, we all have our deep dark secrets."
"Yeah. We do, don't we?" He was beginning to look upset and Yoochun blinked, unnerved by the change. "I would've liked to go, you know. Some things came up - I had to be somewhere else at the time and I missed...Well my friend was valedictorian." He laughed humourlessly, hands clenching tighter on his lap. His expression remained closed, eyes staring somewhere past Yoochun's head. "I missed his speech. I had my diploma mailed to me. I didn't even go on the grad trip that my friends organized."
"Neither did I. I was in Korea by then."
"Why didn't you leave after the trip? You could've - "
Yoochun waved a hand carelessly, shrugging with a small grin. "Wasn't as important as being here. This was important, coming home. And I was closer to Stephanie than anyone else back in the US. It was definitely more worthwhile than paying money to go to some cottage by a beach or something. Whatever you had to do at the time - wasn't it more important than that?"
"Hm..." Junsu pondered contemplatively. "Probably, at the time. But I don't know anymore." He sighed and looked tiredly back at him. "Would you...can you do me a favour?"
"Sure, what is it? Waaait, it better not be running to the nearest store to get you something at this hour - "
He laughed, and Yoochun was gratified to see that. "No. Can you...play Beautiful Thing for me? I have music sheets upstairs - " He stopped when Yoochun looked uncertainly at him.
"Um..." Yoochun looked away, embarrassed.
"You don't have to if you don't want to," Junsu hurriedly added, looking a bit disappointed.
"It's not that!" He shook his head, putting a hand on the piano and playing a random chord, a bit from an unfinished song. "I...can't actually read notes. I've never had formal training in piano."
"You - you haven't? But you play so well," Junsu looked genuinely shocked, mouth hanging open. "And you compose!"
He shrugged. "I can't really play anything I don't know." He grinned briefly. "Sorry to disappoint you."
"You didn't - you could never - I have no right to be," he finished defeatedly, closing his eyes.
Yoochun frowned. 'What's that supposed to mean?'
"You play really well for someone who was self-taught," Junsu spoke up again.
"All started with some fiddling around. I got some help from a sunbae in high school for 'Like Weather' and it just went on from there."
"That's - I admire you a lot, Yoochun," Junsu murmured, eyes trained on the keyboard.
Yoochun started at that confession, raising an eyebrow. "What's there to admire? I'm just a typical 'starving artist,' as you once said," he joked, expecting a laugh or a grin or agreement from his friend. Instead, what he got was a firm shake of his head, and a pair of shadowed eyes looking at him painfully.
"No, you're not. You try so hard, you gave everything up for your dream. Even after four years without seeing your family, you're giving it everything you've got. I just wish...I could learn to appreciate what I have right now. I wish I knew what I wanted. Sometimes I watch you sing and it's easy to tell you love what you do, even if the next day is still uncertain. Whereas I...I'm so tired of feeling undecided, of others doing the deciding for me. I wish I wasn't so weak." His voice trembled as silence settled between them. Suddenly, fear seized Junsu and he froze, wondering if he'd revealed too much. He stared at Yoochun, who looked back at him with the same uncertainty as before. "I don't know what to do. I thought I knew everything once, a long time ago, but now I don't," he whispered, the words falling freely from his lips. He felt like the room was spinning, the world was breaking apart, and he suddenly wished he'd never come here. Never came to Dong Bang Shin Ki, meeting new friends and him. Someone who was so like himself in a way, but so different. He was sure Yoochun would never have let it happen to him, if he was in the same position.
"Sorry, I'm just rambling," he finally muttered when the silence began to close in on him. "I - I think I'm just going to go to bed - " He made to stand but a hand latched onto his arm and pulled him down. He sat back down with a thump and before he knew what was happening, arms were winding around him and he was leaning against a hard chest covered by a thin white shirt. He looked straight into a pair of dark eyes and his breath hitched.
"I just - " Yoochun stopped, a little shocked at his own actions. Every fibre in his being was screaming at him to do something to stop the broken voice coming from the other man and Yoochun didn't believe in words. Or rather, he didn't believe that anything he could say would make Junsu feel better. This was a situation he didn't understand, couldn't understand. Junsu was speaking in riddles. Yoochun didn't think for a second that he could come off as empathetic. And he'd long come to realize that words were useless. Words hadn't helped him when he heard his mother crying over the phone, with Yoohawn in the next room sobbing into his pillow and a father not yet home from work. It had made his heart twist in his chest, and seeing Junsu on the verge of - something - initiated the same feeling in him. When he'd climbed back into bed he had pulled Yoohwan into a hug too, and eventually his brother had stopped crying.
But this wasn't his brother. And this was probably giving off a rather strange message so Yoochun tried again, "Don't - don't talk like that. Why are you so..."
Words spilled out quicker than he could stop them. Knowing what he could and could not say, however, a story he'd long forgotten came up onto the surface. "When I hit puberty, it lasted for three years. It almost took away my voice permanently. The doctor said I couldn't continue to sing anymore. But I tried. So hard and I...I always believed I gained my voice back. I couldn't hit the higher notes but at least I didn't lose my voice, right? But what if I lost something more than those few notes? What if I lost something and now I can never sing the way I want to again, because I'm not good enough anymore? And people won't like my singing because - "
"Stop."
" - I lost something innate in my voice - "
"Junsu!"
His eyes widened at the outburst and he shut his mouth, unsure. Yoochun tightened his arms around him and he closed his eyes, trying not to shudder. All his old insecurities welled up inside him, but at the same time he couldn't help reacting to the close proximity of another warm body beside him, touching him.
"Will you listen to my story?" he asked softly and Junsu nodded, afraid his voice would shake. It was taking every effort of his not to wind his arms around Yoochun's waist and lean in, just to absorb that warmth and let it sink into his skin, breathe in that clean smell of soap that was unmistakeably Yoochun's.
"I got a record deal about seven months ago."
"You what?" Junsu's head shot up and stared at Yoochun.
"Yeah," Yoochun smiled wryly. "Why am I working for Yunho then? I'm getting to it. When Yunho first opened this bar, I was the only performer, I got scouted by a small indie recording company, which was great at the time because that was exactly what I was looking for. I didn't - and still don't - want to work for some big company who would probably force me to adhere to some kind of mainstream standard. So I got scouted, auditioned, made it in. Because the company was only started a few years ago and they only have a couple of people and two bands signed, they require all their people to create their own music. They just didn't have the finances to hire composers and lyricists and manage their studio at the same time, which was just fine with the people they had signed. First of all, no financial burden on the company to support us if we turn out to be unsuccessful. Second of all, we were all alike, just wanting to let others listen to what we've created. It's not just about having a good voice, because let's face it, mine's not the best. But I love music and that's what got me to where I was."
"Then what happened?" He realized that Yoochun was telling him the story he hadn't been willing to tell him that other night and he wondered why he was telling him now.
"Well, this is the part I was afraid to tell you," he continued as if he'd just read Junsu's mind, "the producer had listened to some of my stuff and liked it but they obviously needed polishing and I needed more material for an album. So that's what we agreed on. If I could create a couple more tracks they would give me a studio to work with and they'd release my first album under their label. Well needless to say, I was ecstatic. The first person I told was Stephanie. That was also the day I asked her out." Junsu pulled back a little, startled. Yoochun pretended not to notice and continued, "I called Yunho, my family, my old friends. Anyone I could think of. I was happy. Somehow, it meant everything had paid off, leaving home and practically running away to Korea after what was supposed to be a short trip on my own 'back to the motherland.' I think Steph told you about that, the first night you came here, but even she doesn't know that the 'grad trip' wasn't really a grad trip at all."
"Then what was it? Your parents - "
"I saved up money and practically ran away on my own."
Junsu's mouth dropped open, eyes wide. He grinned at the reaction and pulled away slightly, so that the two were more comfortable on the bench. He still had an arm around the younger man's waist but Yoochun didn't seem to notice, enraptured in his story. "So you can see why my parents and I aren't exactly on the best terms, being the eldest son and all. It's better now...Now the only issue is with Yoohwan. But anyway," he continued with a shake of his head, "Steph and I started dating, officially dating, about a month later. After that it was like a downward spiral. The artists signed onto the company were pretty big names in the underground music scene here in Seoul and I just got involved with them. Of course I dragged Steph and Yunho with me. I went to everything and got invited to everything - clubs, parties, concerts, karaoke, drinking, you name it. In the end, I got screwed over because, well, all play and no work does not a good musician make. I lost the deal awhile ago. Steph broke up with me, I stupidly proposed, she refused, and then you came along."
Junsu stared at him confusedly. He couldn't quite make the connection between what Yoochun was saying and what he himself had been talking about.
Yoochun sighed and raised his hand, the one not on his waist, and ruffled Junsu's hair playfully, like a child. "For some reason you seem to think you're not good enough. You're amazing. I don't throw that around lightly so take it seriously. And for some reason you seem to think you're weak because you're not decisive enough. I'm not preaching to you but what happened to me, well, I can talk about it easily now, but at the time it was like my world was ending. I guess...it was something like, for the first time, it was me that screwed myself over. It's always been outside forces trying to stop me from what I wanted to do; my parents, the teachers at my high school, friends, being in the wrong country. The only good thing about America was meeting Stephanie. But I managed to fuck up the one thing I'd been working so hard for in the past...I don't know how many years. And I felt like a screw up because I was one."
"Yoochun..." Junsu murmured, staring at him with dark eyes. "You're not..."
"And that's what I'm trying to tell you," he said with a grin as Junsu trailed off uncertainly, looking heartbreakingly vulnerable. Yoochun's hand had taken residence behind Junsu's head, fingers buried in his soft hair, thumb rubbing gently over his cheek. "Messing up is okay. Being weak is okay. You've just got to have the will to fight your way back up. In a way I have you to thank, because you came at just the right time when I needed a little competition. I hope you'll let me help you too...if you need it."
They sat together in the silence, the keyboard still emitting a low hum throughout the air. Yoochun tried to gauge his reaction, peering directly at Junsu's face. The other man averted his eyes, staring at his lap instead. Finally, Yoochun plucked at the ends of Junsu's hair to get his attention. "Junsu?"
"Why do you have to be - " he stopped, eyes wide and brimming.
"I - did I say something wrong?" asked Yoochun, confused, eyes trained at the tear threatening to spill down soft cheeks.
"I really appreciate it. I do," Junsu said softly, Yoochun having to strain to hear him. A small smile was working its way onto his face, Yoochun realized with some relief.
"Good. I hate seeing you so sad," he responded equally as softly, returning the smile.
Junsu looked up at him. Suddenly, he reached forward and returned the embrace Yoochun had been bestowing on him all this time. He wound his arms around Yoochun's waist, sidling up to him until they were much closer face to face. Junsu could count the flecks of dark brown in Yoochun's eyes, noticeable by the dull light shining from the windows.
"Jun - "
"Why do you have to be so..." he whispered, feeling desire course through his veins, enough to leave him trembling. Before he realized what he was doing, he'd leaned forward and nuzzled Yoochun's cheek with his own. His own eyes falling shut, he pressed a soft kiss to the corner of the other man's mouth. His brain screamed at him, his imagination constantly replayed the image of Yoochun dancing with some random brunette under pulsing lights, but his arms only tightened and he leaned in completely until they were chest to chest. He could feel every breath Yoochun took. It made him feel alive like nothing before, not since he'd last stepped on a stage.Trailing tiny kisses along his jaw, he felt Yoochun arms around him go slack as he shivered with every light contact Junsu made.
Yoochun gasped as Junsu's mouth trailed past his jawline down his neck, grazing his lips against sensitive skin. A burst of heat erupted somewhere deep in his belly - he could suddenly, with startling clarity, imagine taking Junsu in his arms, crushing his lips against his, wringing every moan out of him in that light scratchy voice of his -
He grabbed his arms instead and pulled him away almost violently (and almost instantly regretting it). They stared at each other, Junsu wide eyed and Yoochun panting lightly, blinking as he watched with interest at the flush that worked its way onto Junsu's cheeks and the small sound of embarrassment that erupted from his lips. Realization dawned in his eyes and Yoochun backed away a little, his own hands falling onto his lap as Junsu almost jumped to the far end of the bench in a panic - Did he just kiss him?
"I - Oh my god - " he was flabbergasted, stumbling over his words, trying to come up with an excuse. But what could excuse his behaviour, he might as well have put a blinking neon I am gay and in love with my new friend sign on his head; better yet, he might as well have shouted it from the rooftops. He was quite effectively working himself into a panic. "Yoochun, I - "
"Why...did you..." he trailed off, unsure, eyeing his hyperventilating friend.
"Oh god!" At the sound of the tentative question, he buried his face in his hands. "You just - because you said - did - those things, I couldn't help - I like you!" He burst out, completely red in the face.
Yoochun stared.
"I like you." This time he said it a little more calmly, as if saying it once made it okay to say it again. He looked up and bit his lip, frowning deeply. WIth a tremor in his voice, he continued, "Li-like as in, more than a friend. Not that that wasn't obvious after that, but...I'm...gay. I'm sorry for not telling you, it-it just wasn't really something that came up in normal conversations and only Jaejoong and Changmin know - not even my family so-so I'm not used to people...knowing. I know it makes you uncomfortable because you're straight and here I am, a gay man trying to hit on you. But if-if you don't want to live with me anymore I can leave. I can call my dad today to come by and get my stuff. I-I understand if you don't even want to be in my presence anymore - "
"Uh...Junsu?"
" - it's perfectly understandable. I really didn't mean - want to - freak you out or anything I just felt that - "
"Junsu!" Yoochun grabbed his hand and pulled him forward. With a small sound of surprise, he fell forward and Yoochun moved to catch him, so that Junsu's head hit Yoochun's shoulder and he elbowed him in the stomache. With a grunt, Yoochun wrapped an arm around his shoulders to steady them. He could clearly feel the hard shakes reverberating through the smaller body.
"...you should know I like you," Yoochun heard murmured into his shoulder before he fell silent.
"Shut up for a sec, will you?"
Junsu shut his mouth but could not cease his trembling. He knew it; he was going to get kicked out and he'd have to go back to Japan now because Yoochun didn't want to be his friend anymore - how could he have been so stupid - He froze when he felt a hand slowly touch the small of his back and rotate in comforting circles.
They stayed in that position for ten minutes, Yoochun continuing his rubbing and Junsu gradually relaxing completely into his arms, unconsciously shifting a little to get more comfortable. Yoochun gave him five more minutes before he spoke up.
"Are you calm now?"
"Yeah. I'm - "
"Stop apologizing, please."
"Okay."
Maybe Yoochun...wasn't going to punch him and kick him out for pretending to be straight while sleeping in the same bed with him for so long? Junsu's mind raced.
Suddenly, Yoochun sighed and slid off the bench, pulling Junsu up with him. He stumbled from the unexpected action and Yoochun steadied him, a hand on his waist. Blushing, Junsu stared at the floor and stared at their hands, fingers laced together tightly. His hand was slack; Yoochun was the one holding to him. The brief flare of hope he quickly crushed - he should be expecting a slap anytime now.
"I'm going to bed and you're coming with me."
He looked up and uttered intelligently, "Huh?"
Rolling his eyes, Yoochun said, "It's six in the morning which means it's way too early for this. I need to sleep on it and you need to stop going crazy. Just...it's okay, alright? I'm not going to kick you out."
"You won't?" Junsu said hopefully, eyes shining.
Yoochun eyed him strangely. "No. Why would I? We're still friends."
From this, Junsu fell silent, afraid to speak. He was afraid he was going to burst into tears and cling onto Yoochun in gratitude. He'd heard stories of how certain gay people's straight friends reacted when they found out about their friend's sexual orientation. Yoochun was reacting far better than he'd imagine, but...his hand almost came up involuntary to touch his bottom lip.
Seeing the action, Yoochun's eyes averted to stare in the direction of the stairs to the second floor. "We'll talk about that tomorrow."
"Thanks," he said softly, looking down again to stare at his feet.
The silence suddenly became awkward and unwelcoming, but Yoochun tugged on his hand, he followed, and he tentatively tightened his hand around his. He almost sobbed in relief when he felt Yoochun squeeze back.