(no subject)
right now in this exact moment I am fighting back tears. why? i have no clue. maybe i am afraid i wont stop. maybe cause i don't know why. maybe i am afraid to find out. or maybe it;s simply because I know i wont be able to type with tears clouding my eyes.
i am frusturated. i wish i could be two places at once, and not because i want to neccessarily, but because my life is forcing me to feel that way. i am being pulled in all different directions. i want to be here, home, with my friends and family i once left behind, but i can't help but yearn for the excitement, thrill, new environment that I, I, myslef, created in my home away from home. I want to be with my mom and spend every second with her while I am here, but I am forced to work due to financial responsibilities. I need to stay in town because of gas, so i hardly see her. and when i don't work i look for a release, a fun time, not a relaxing night homw with my mom. no i want to go out, make out, and be free like i got used to for a whole year. yeah, that is selfish of me, but I can't help it. I want to be with him, but I know it's not right, maybe thats why my mom called me... or maybe it just wasn't meant to be who knows? even my jobs are pulling me apart. here then there, twice or even three times a day, and sometimes I am even scheduled to be in two places at once.
I am so confused, and I know I am not alone. how did this happen? all of a sudden things got so complicated, and where was i when it was all building up? shouldn;t i have been prepared? why didn't anyone tell me? or were we all too busy trying to forget, drinking, smoking, and laughing the troubles away, that now they're all catching up with us. why aren't any of us happy. it seemed like when we were there we had everything we needed, eachother, to fill the void of the ones we left behind, and it worked, then. this is now, and what do we do? we've all changed, so much. we're like puzzle pieces, we used to fit perfectly before we left our homes, and then once we moved, to survive we molded into different pieces, to form together, to become strong. and now we're back home, where we started, and our pieces don't fit anymore... but it's hard to keep molding, to keep changing, to try to fit back in. and then you ask your self, do i really want to fit back it? did i change because i had to, or because this new me is who i really am?
did i compromise myself? did i sell out? or am i becoming who i am meant to be. and, are we even meant to be who we become, was it planned, is there a plan for everyone?
we were all hurting is some way, scared, and trying to fill a hole in our hearts. we filled it with love for eachother, real love, drowning our sorrows with alcohol, and "just to have fun too". before this, before tonight, I saw this past year as just fun, free, and new. but as I look at some of us now i can't help but notice everything that i was too scared, blind, drunk or stupid to see then. maybe if i would have i wouldn't be here now. so where the good memories and fun, laughter and love worth it? you bet.
we're low now, but we'll get over it, together, but apart.
here is a little something i read from a friends blog... its amazingly true.
"Everything in these past years contributed to who I am; with each passing day, my love for them only grows.
Because the truth is... it was the best of times.
Mistakes were made, hearts were broken, harsh lessons learned, but all of that has receded into fond memory now.
How does it happen?
Why are we so quick to forget the bad and romanticize the good?
Maybe it's because we need to believe that the time we spent together actually meant something,
that we were there for each other in a time in our lives that defined us all,
a time in our lives that we will never forget.
I can't swear this is exactly how it happened. But this is how it felt.
I'd like to say that no matter where life takes you, big cities, small towns, you'll inevitably come across small minds. People who think that they're better than you are. People who think that material things, or being pretty or popular automatically makes you a worth while human being.
I'd like to tell today's youth that none of these things matter unless you have strength of character, integrity, sense of pride.....
and if you're lucky enough to have any of these things... don't ever sell them. Don't ever sell out.
So when you meet a person for the first time, please don't judge them by their station on life, because, who knows, that person just might end up being your best friend. We're friends, real friends. And that means, no matter how long it takes, when you finally do decide to look back, I'll still be here.
At the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. Some things you say cause there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves. Speaking of things just happening, I find myself as a firm believer of superstition. Superstition lies in the space between what we can control. Find a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck. No one wants to pass up a chance for good luck. But does saying it thirty three times really help? Is anyone really listening? And if no ones listening, why do we bother doing those strange things. We rely on superstitions because we're smart enough to know we don't have all the answers. And that life works in mysterious ways. Don't diss the juju, from wherever it comes. After careful consideration and many sleepless nights, here's what I've decided: there's no such thing as a grown-up. We move on, we move out, we move away from our families and form our own. But the basic insecurities, the basic fears and all those old wounds just grow up with us....We get bigger, we get taller, we get older. But, for the most part, we're still a bunch of kids, running around the playground, trying desperately to fit in.
Time flies. Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us wants is more time. Time to stand up. Time to grow up. Time to let go. Time."
all in all i want to be there for you, and you and them. i wish i could, but right now, in this moment i need to be selfish and cry for me. laugh for me. live for me. make decisions that will best suit me, and who i am and who i want to be. straighten me out so i can be strong for you. maybe that is what we all need... but this is now, tonight, in this moment. tomorrow is a new day, and though i can't simply erase the past, and thoughts that run through my mind, i can stil be there for you. do not hesitate to call, or text, cause i will never turn you down. i wan to help, maybe we can help eachother, like we once did.
i don't want to stop writing. i am afraid to face myself, alone in my bed in the dark. to let it all out, but maybe that is just what we all need. let it out, let it go, and begin to move on. it'll take time, hard work, sweat, tears, energry, sacrafice, persistance, patience, and will power. but we can all do it.
i miss you you know? and i don't know if you can read this, or hear me when i pray, but i do. i wish i could hold you, kiss you, lay with you, and just listen to you breath, believing that your breath was all i needed to live. i found out it wasn't when i saw you take your last breath. i hate myself for all i didn't do and say. it never gets easier, it never goes away, and they all lie when they tell you it does. no one knows how you feel, and no one nows ho wi feel. death is tricky and honestly it fucking sucks. but we are forced to deal with it.
this is me dealing. sometimes i do, sometimes i don't, sometimes i cry, laugh, and yell, and sometimes i am completely silent. sometimes i write, and as you know sometime i lock myself in my room, away from the world in the dark. and who can judge me or tell me its not right? the point is i miss you.
i think i am done now. i hope that this could be help to more then just me, that by reading you either learn something, or atleast find out that you are not completely and utterly alone in your way of thinking and feeling...
don't let it be in vain. don't sell out. don't hesitiate to call.
i am here. for me. for you. for us. you know who you are.
i am frusturated. i wish i could be two places at once, and not because i want to neccessarily, but because my life is forcing me to feel that way. i am being pulled in all different directions. i want to be here, home, with my friends and family i once left behind, but i can't help but yearn for the excitement, thrill, new environment that I, I, myslef, created in my home away from home. I want to be with my mom and spend every second with her while I am here, but I am forced to work due to financial responsibilities. I need to stay in town because of gas, so i hardly see her. and when i don't work i look for a release, a fun time, not a relaxing night homw with my mom. no i want to go out, make out, and be free like i got used to for a whole year. yeah, that is selfish of me, but I can't help it. I want to be with him, but I know it's not right, maybe thats why my mom called me... or maybe it just wasn't meant to be who knows? even my jobs are pulling me apart. here then there, twice or even three times a day, and sometimes I am even scheduled to be in two places at once.
I am so confused, and I know I am not alone. how did this happen? all of a sudden things got so complicated, and where was i when it was all building up? shouldn;t i have been prepared? why didn't anyone tell me? or were we all too busy trying to forget, drinking, smoking, and laughing the troubles away, that now they're all catching up with us. why aren't any of us happy. it seemed like when we were there we had everything we needed, eachother, to fill the void of the ones we left behind, and it worked, then. this is now, and what do we do? we've all changed, so much. we're like puzzle pieces, we used to fit perfectly before we left our homes, and then once we moved, to survive we molded into different pieces, to form together, to become strong. and now we're back home, where we started, and our pieces don't fit anymore... but it's hard to keep molding, to keep changing, to try to fit back in. and then you ask your self, do i really want to fit back it? did i change because i had to, or because this new me is who i really am?
did i compromise myself? did i sell out? or am i becoming who i am meant to be. and, are we even meant to be who we become, was it planned, is there a plan for everyone?
we were all hurting is some way, scared, and trying to fill a hole in our hearts. we filled it with love for eachother, real love, drowning our sorrows with alcohol, and "just to have fun too". before this, before tonight, I saw this past year as just fun, free, and new. but as I look at some of us now i can't help but notice everything that i was too scared, blind, drunk or stupid to see then. maybe if i would have i wouldn't be here now. so where the good memories and fun, laughter and love worth it? you bet.
we're low now, but we'll get over it, together, but apart.
here is a little something i read from a friends blog... its amazingly true.
"Everything in these past years contributed to who I am; with each passing day, my love for them only grows.
Because the truth is... it was the best of times.
Mistakes were made, hearts were broken, harsh lessons learned, but all of that has receded into fond memory now.
How does it happen?
Why are we so quick to forget the bad and romanticize the good?
Maybe it's because we need to believe that the time we spent together actually meant something,
that we were there for each other in a time in our lives that defined us all,
a time in our lives that we will never forget.
I can't swear this is exactly how it happened. But this is how it felt.
I'd like to say that no matter where life takes you, big cities, small towns, you'll inevitably come across small minds. People who think that they're better than you are. People who think that material things, or being pretty or popular automatically makes you a worth while human being.
I'd like to tell today's youth that none of these things matter unless you have strength of character, integrity, sense of pride.....
and if you're lucky enough to have any of these things... don't ever sell them. Don't ever sell out.
So when you meet a person for the first time, please don't judge them by their station on life, because, who knows, that person just might end up being your best friend. We're friends, real friends. And that means, no matter how long it takes, when you finally do decide to look back, I'll still be here.
At the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. Some things you say cause there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves. Speaking of things just happening, I find myself as a firm believer of superstition. Superstition lies in the space between what we can control. Find a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck. No one wants to pass up a chance for good luck. But does saying it thirty three times really help? Is anyone really listening? And if no ones listening, why do we bother doing those strange things. We rely on superstitions because we're smart enough to know we don't have all the answers. And that life works in mysterious ways. Don't diss the juju, from wherever it comes. After careful consideration and many sleepless nights, here's what I've decided: there's no such thing as a grown-up. We move on, we move out, we move away from our families and form our own. But the basic insecurities, the basic fears and all those old wounds just grow up with us....We get bigger, we get taller, we get older. But, for the most part, we're still a bunch of kids, running around the playground, trying desperately to fit in.
Time flies. Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us wants is more time. Time to stand up. Time to grow up. Time to let go. Time."
all in all i want to be there for you, and you and them. i wish i could, but right now, in this moment i need to be selfish and cry for me. laugh for me. live for me. make decisions that will best suit me, and who i am and who i want to be. straighten me out so i can be strong for you. maybe that is what we all need... but this is now, tonight, in this moment. tomorrow is a new day, and though i can't simply erase the past, and thoughts that run through my mind, i can stil be there for you. do not hesitate to call, or text, cause i will never turn you down. i wan to help, maybe we can help eachother, like we once did.
i don't want to stop writing. i am afraid to face myself, alone in my bed in the dark. to let it all out, but maybe that is just what we all need. let it out, let it go, and begin to move on. it'll take time, hard work, sweat, tears, energry, sacrafice, persistance, patience, and will power. but we can all do it.
i miss you you know? and i don't know if you can read this, or hear me when i pray, but i do. i wish i could hold you, kiss you, lay with you, and just listen to you breath, believing that your breath was all i needed to live. i found out it wasn't when i saw you take your last breath. i hate myself for all i didn't do and say. it never gets easier, it never goes away, and they all lie when they tell you it does. no one knows how you feel, and no one nows ho wi feel. death is tricky and honestly it fucking sucks. but we are forced to deal with it.
this is me dealing. sometimes i do, sometimes i don't, sometimes i cry, laugh, and yell, and sometimes i am completely silent. sometimes i write, and as you know sometime i lock myself in my room, away from the world in the dark. and who can judge me or tell me its not right? the point is i miss you.
i think i am done now. i hope that this could be help to more then just me, that by reading you either learn something, or atleast find out that you are not completely and utterly alone in your way of thinking and feeling...
don't let it be in vain. don't sell out. don't hesitiate to call.
i am here. for me. for you. for us. you know who you are.