it's been a while......
life has been...pretty good. and i should be happy with it. and i am, in some ways. the trip was fun-i got to spend a lot of time with my family. had some arguements, and i broke down over something that i had, only the day before, closed off from my life. a whole section of memories in my mind cut off from where it had dangled in midair, unfinished, till i made the decision to forget it ever happened. well, obviously i forgot to close the door. i just started crying, and couldn't stop. they didn't understand...they still don't. i think about it constantly and can't even help it. over vacation i tried pushing the thoughts away as soon as they crept back in and that worked...for a little while. i know the right thing to do is just to forget and move on, right? so why do i still cry myself to sleep some nights thinking about what a sad situation this is? it's depressing.
once in a while, i think, if it never happened...it would be better. and it would. but then again i'm still happy that it did.
no one even understands anymore. my friends did at first. and my mom too...i used to tell her everything..EVERYTHING...and now i'm scared to share anything with her about him because she'll only tell her that i'm over him or that it's the right thing...and then she'll probably tell my dad what i said. she just doesn't get it. he's even worse. he has no idea what it feels like. i love the greenies, and at first i told them the whole story and they were very sympathetic. they even told me that maybe my parents would let me invite him to their youth group.
i guess they figured i would be over it by now. and i feel terrible even talking about it to them because their dad is having open-heart surgery. i love them...and i just don't want to burden down their lives right now with my trivial problems that they already know about and i'm sure don't want to hear about all over again.
then there's sarah. she's my best friend and has been for seven years. we're not as close as we used to be, but she still is there for me when i need someone to talk to. she always is. i'm there for her too, but it seems like i'm that one that needs comfort more often than the other way around. the other night i was talking to her about it, and she listens, she does. but...it's just that i know she's not really on my side. she is, as a friend, but she wishes that i would stop talking about it, because it's OVER. she keeps telling me that i have to get over it, because i'm torturing myself. and i know that i am. i knew when she said; i knew before she said it. that was a couple of days ago, at the movies, and she has her own "special friend" (as she said) to talk about now. and i'm happy for her.:)
i just don't know if i can talk to her about him anymore.
and that leaves mandy. sisters really are the best people to talk to because they really truly are on your side, and even though they're looking out for you, they know what it's like to deal with our parents in particular. i've pretty much run out of stories about him, but i still feel like i can tell her when i'm feeling the unfairness of it all crashing down on me-suffocating me.she understands, and even if she doesn't understand what i see in him, she knows what i feel. and she doesn't lie about how he seems like a nice person, or he's cute when you get to know him. i hate when people lie and don't say what they really think.
well that's all for now...
other than that, i feel pretty good right now.:)
once in a while, i think, if it never happened...it would be better. and it would. but then again i'm still happy that it did.
no one even understands anymore. my friends did at first. and my mom too...i used to tell her everything..EVERYTHING...and now i'm scared to share anything with her about him because she'll only tell her that i'm over him or that it's the right thing...and then she'll probably tell my dad what i said. she just doesn't get it. he's even worse. he has no idea what it feels like. i love the greenies, and at first i told them the whole story and they were very sympathetic. they even told me that maybe my parents would let me invite him to their youth group.
i guess they figured i would be over it by now. and i feel terrible even talking about it to them because their dad is having open-heart surgery. i love them...and i just don't want to burden down their lives right now with my trivial problems that they already know about and i'm sure don't want to hear about all over again.
then there's sarah. she's my best friend and has been for seven years. we're not as close as we used to be, but she still is there for me when i need someone to talk to. she always is. i'm there for her too, but it seems like i'm that one that needs comfort more often than the other way around. the other night i was talking to her about it, and she listens, she does. but...it's just that i know she's not really on my side. she is, as a friend, but she wishes that i would stop talking about it, because it's OVER. she keeps telling me that i have to get over it, because i'm torturing myself. and i know that i am. i knew when she said; i knew before she said it. that was a couple of days ago, at the movies, and she has her own "special friend" (as she said) to talk about now. and i'm happy for her.:)
i just don't know if i can talk to her about him anymore.
and that leaves mandy. sisters really are the best people to talk to because they really truly are on your side, and even though they're looking out for you, they know what it's like to deal with our parents in particular. i've pretty much run out of stories about him, but i still feel like i can tell her when i'm feeling the unfairness of it all crashing down on me-suffocating me.she understands, and even if she doesn't understand what i see in him, she knows what i feel. and she doesn't lie about how he seems like a nice person, or he's cute when you get to know him. i hate when people lie and don't say what they really think.
well that's all for now...
other than that, i feel pretty good right now.:)