it's been a long ass time
I clearly haven't made an entry in a longgg freakin time. well I just have some thoughts that I would like to get out..
How do thing change.. In the past year more has happened in my life then I ever expected.. losing someone you love really does change everything. and I dont mean losing a boyfriend or girlfriend.. I mean losing a member of your family. A person close to you. A person who has known you your entire life & never missing a moment of it for the world. They were there when you took your first step, lost your first tooth, sent you off to kindergarten, watched you grow up. Saw your heart be broken for the first time. The person you went to when things weren't going the way you liked. Have people always expect perfection from you. But this one person never did, they just wanted what was best for you. What do you do when suddenly that person that you confided in, just would spend a day together because you wanted to instead of going out with your friends, all the sudden they're just gone? I guess you can't really anwser that until you have experienced it yourself. I lost someone very close to me on August 31, 2005. It was my mom. And to be honest I still don't know what I'm doing. You know being a junior in high school means that you are getting close.. one more year & you are graduating. Theres a lot to do.. figure out what you want to do with your life, what college you want to go to. I live with my sister now & as much as I love her I always thought my mom would be the one helping me make these choices. So much has changed since August. So many times when I wish I could just walk out into the living room & see my mom sitting there.. and just go talk to her. Or when I wake up in the morning seeing her sitting on the couch reading the paper & eating breakfast, watching me go off to school. So many times where I wanted to talk about things with her that I can't talk about with anyone else, without being made fun of or judged. I never imaged her not being here for the many more firsts of mine that come.. never see me going to the first day of my junior & senior year of high school. Never taking me to get senior pictures done, never gonna be on the sidelines of my soccer or softball games again, not gonna be there at the last home game when all the seniors have there parents come out onto the field with them, I will never get to experience that like the rest of my senior friends. She will always never get to take me prom dress shopping, or being there the night I leave for prom, or being at my high school graduation. theres a lot I want here her for and thats just in high school. For some reason when I was little.. like 7 or 8 years old.. I always had a feeling that my mom wasn't gonna make it to my high school graduation. And years later, that feeling turned out to be right. There are many more things she will never get to be with me at.. going off to college, graduating from college, getting married, if I were to ever have kids, soo many things I know she would want to be there for, and now physically can't. Things can change in the blink of an eye.
There is one day I will always regret for the rest of my life. It was a moment I left my house after she told me not to. I never knew that the next day was going to be her last day at home and that 3 days later she was going to die.
From this experience I would like to give you all a word of advice. If your parents tell you not to go somewhere, don't do it. You never will know when there last day will be. It could be that night that you leave. And it is a regret that you will have for the rest of your life if something does happen. And I am speaking from experience. Always say I love you to your mom before you leave. You never know.. it may be the last time they may ever hear you say it. That is one thing I am happy about.. The last words my mom heard me say to her were I love you.
I just had to get some words out.