(no subject)
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck I'm going to be a senior in two weeks.
I'm going to face Eyva and switch out of her coor. I just hope I'm doing the right thing.
Failed every one of my classes, in terms of getting full credit on time. I thought I was doing better, too.
Gonna flip my schedule with the 'rents for a month, see how that goes. I'm sick of my dad, and it's not worth it anymore.
Gotta get on this liscense thing, it's such bullshit lameness on my part that I am where I am with this.
Talked to Maggie today, it was stupid because I almost started crying sorta.
Planning a talk with Taylor.
Isn't the whole thing with losing all of your friends supposed to happen your senior year? I guess I'm ahead of schedule, cause I'm losin' people left and right and there's a good chance I'm gonna say goodbye to two more this week, but it's really up to them. You hear that? I know you read this shit. We're gonna talk and if there's two times you are gonna show up for me and make an executive decision in order to-- Man, don't want to give away the ending, sheeit.
So, I feel like I'm doing a little better with losing things and failing at stuff. And that's good.
This weekend was nuts. Got the SAT and Tacoma, spotted Jason Montoya [does anyone who reads this remember him? He looks exactly the same] and didn't freak out during the test. Came home, and my holly tree was gone, sort of. I also couldn't get into my house because the branches were completely blocking the gate and covering the whole front yard. Definitely threw me off. The jocky-size tree feller who lives across the alley had it all cleaned up by the end of the day.
After the SAT's, Kyle came and met Zac and I met Tara, and with Maren we all made beautiful music. And Tara sat on the stairs and watched. Apparently, I impressed her greatly. I'm relieved, because I knew that I made her uncomfortable, and I was hoping that I would sort of put her at ease to counteract it. Whatever though, I think things are going to work out smoothly. Kyle had a good time with the kids, and Saturday went well. Sunday consisted of the beginning of a new painting and Mother's house, wonderfully complete with hours upon hours of reading with Forrest on the lawn, dinner, and more reading. I had a great time, I definitely am looking forward to a summer full of days like that. Just with a little more driving.
I'm terrified of things these days, a lot of them I'm still doing, not backing down, so, that's progress or something. Trying to break habits, patterns, behaviors that I know don't help anyone. Feels unnatural, I don't know how to identify things because I think I've never encountered them before. Sort of pulls the rug out from under you in this game you think you've FINALLY gotten the hang of. It's like backgammon or something. Goddamn I hate backgammon.
I don't know where to go from here. You know I'm on Elise's senior page? I was so flattered, it's not a bad picture, either. There were pictures of Caitlin B. and Meeks, and I got so excited and showed a few people who I'm positive didn't care at ALL.
"...Gonna figure out a way, I'm losing, my senses to you..."
I'm so lucky to have the stellar people I've got in my life, like Drew and Kira. They make life worth fuckin' living.
Goodnight.
I'm going to face Eyva and switch out of her coor. I just hope I'm doing the right thing.
Failed every one of my classes, in terms of getting full credit on time. I thought I was doing better, too.
Gonna flip my schedule with the 'rents for a month, see how that goes. I'm sick of my dad, and it's not worth it anymore.
Gotta get on this liscense thing, it's such bullshit lameness on my part that I am where I am with this.
Talked to Maggie today, it was stupid because I almost started crying sorta.
Planning a talk with Taylor.
Isn't the whole thing with losing all of your friends supposed to happen your senior year? I guess I'm ahead of schedule, cause I'm losin' people left and right and there's a good chance I'm gonna say goodbye to two more this week, but it's really up to them. You hear that? I know you read this shit. We're gonna talk and if there's two times you are gonna show up for me and make an executive decision in order to-- Man, don't want to give away the ending, sheeit.
So, I feel like I'm doing a little better with losing things and failing at stuff. And that's good.
This weekend was nuts. Got the SAT and Tacoma, spotted Jason Montoya [does anyone who reads this remember him? He looks exactly the same] and didn't freak out during the test. Came home, and my holly tree was gone, sort of. I also couldn't get into my house because the branches were completely blocking the gate and covering the whole front yard. Definitely threw me off. The jocky-size tree feller who lives across the alley had it all cleaned up by the end of the day.
After the SAT's, Kyle came and met Zac and I met Tara, and with Maren we all made beautiful music. And Tara sat on the stairs and watched. Apparently, I impressed her greatly. I'm relieved, because I knew that I made her uncomfortable, and I was hoping that I would sort of put her at ease to counteract it. Whatever though, I think things are going to work out smoothly. Kyle had a good time with the kids, and Saturday went well. Sunday consisted of the beginning of a new painting and Mother's house, wonderfully complete with hours upon hours of reading with Forrest on the lawn, dinner, and more reading. I had a great time, I definitely am looking forward to a summer full of days like that. Just with a little more driving.
I'm terrified of things these days, a lot of them I'm still doing, not backing down, so, that's progress or something. Trying to break habits, patterns, behaviors that I know don't help anyone. Feels unnatural, I don't know how to identify things because I think I've never encountered them before. Sort of pulls the rug out from under you in this game you think you've FINALLY gotten the hang of. It's like backgammon or something. Goddamn I hate backgammon.
I don't know where to go from here. You know I'm on Elise's senior page? I was so flattered, it's not a bad picture, either. There were pictures of Caitlin B. and Meeks, and I got so excited and showed a few people who I'm positive didn't care at ALL.
"...Gonna figure out a way, I'm losing, my senses to you..."
I'm so lucky to have the stellar people I've got in my life, like Drew and Kira. They make life worth fuckin' living.
Goodnight.