xkcd 383
I can't tell if I'm here as a plea for prayers or pity but the only thing that matters right now is the fact that I feel like a terrified child and the person who scared me is the person who is supposed to comfort and protect me when times are crazy and scary.
I don't feel safe in my own home. I'm 22 and I don't feel safe. Not that I'm not physically safe or that anyone is abusive I'm just scared.
My mom tried to kill herself yesterday and I got to wake up to hear her scream & hit my dad as he took the pill bottles from her hands. I got to be the one to dial 911 and try to explain to the operator that I didn't know why she was trying to kill herself but she was.
Earlier that morning she had come into my room and told me that she was mad at my dad and felt like he didn't care about her (he does) and she cried into the pillows and said she hated her therapist (she's gone through 7 or 8 of them) and then she said she wanted to kill herself. She's said this before and often. It's what she does when things get hard or she doesn't get her way. She says she's going to kill herself. I didn't believe her. I told her if she really felt that way she should call her therapist or my dad but that I couldn't help her. I asked her to please leave my room and let me sleep. I called my therapist and she said I needed to stay out of it. So i went back to sleep.
I woke up three hours later and she was trying to kill herself and now I'm scared to sleep even though she's still in the psych ward. I feel like a horrible ungrateful child but some of the things she does are so emotionally fucked up that I hate her. But I never wanted her to die. Or maybe I'm so exhausted from the emotional yo-yoing that I did want her gone. I don't know but either prospect is horrible. So I'm yelling into the void of Live Journal because I'm exhausted and scared and guilty and I don't know what else to do or say.
I don't know if I want people to tell me I'm right or I'm wrong or if I just want people to tell me it's okay. I'm not really alone. I'm going to get through this because being terrified in the middle of the night doesn't always lend itself to hope and feeling this alone is pretty awful.
My life has become strip 383 of the webcomic xkcd.