That warms my circuits no end.
Tonights's fucking fantastic yes? The stars are shining, I'm caffeine high because the coffee shops have all started selling their delicious holiday themed shit (Eggnog! Gingerbread! Cinnamon! Peppermint!), my brother and sisters are all well, we're ALIVE, I've got bouncy tunes in my ear, I still have my visit to the comics shop to look forward to (New writer on Nightwing! Will it be good? *Can* it be good?!), it's THURSDAY, and glitterandlube has finally acknowledged that Guy Gardner and Kyle Rayner should make out. (AND THEN MAKE OUT SOME MORE AFTER THAT)
You bet your butt it's fantastic.
On to business. The first order of which is to say a hearty hello to all of the new SV people that've shown up in the past week to hang out. HOLA! Welcome, nice to meet you, I'm tickled pink, make yourself comfy, feel free to chat me up about whatever, Smallville is the awesomest, etc.
Second order of business is to make all of you new people rethink you're decision to hang out by completely ignoring Smallville in favor of THE AWESOME BEYOND BELIEF Sinestro Corps War and Booster Gold.
Okay I won't completely ignore Smallville. It is sitting next to me, reading over my shoulder after all. In fact, I'm pretty sure that Hal Jordan is making it drool a little. It's kinda gross. Cute gross. And understandable because have I mentioned the AWESOME BEYOND BELIEF? Fuck yeah! I'm gonna ram that baby home.
Anywho, Wrath was a party and there's still a chance I'll squee over it a week late (depending on tonight's episode, I'll do one or the other) because pfft that's no stop to me. Please. These comics I'm going to talk about? Some are months old. I'm slooow. Yet another reason SV and I get on so well. (Aha bada bing! OHHHH SMALLVILLE ♥)
Hmm. Seems as though both of us like to tell weirdly unwitty jokes as well. *pinches it inappropriately*
Alright, let's talk Booster Gold's solo book which hopefully some of you are reading (you are aren't you?! I haven't heard a peep). People that haven't met Booster yet (or worse, those who don't - GASP!- like him) this is not your cue to leave! Guy and Jaime are also on hand.
Booster Gold #1-3:
This book is soo much FUN. I mean the entire premise is win win. You've got Booster and Skeets. You've got Booster as the greatest hero no one has ever heard of - giving up a chance to be in the Justice League and finally have the respect of his peers in order to really help people. More than not having their respect - in order to protect himself and the timestream he's gotta go down in history as a complete and utter moron! Booster Gold! Accepting that! (Bonus? You also get Booster swearing to bring Ted back ♥) You've got Geoff Johns and competence. You've got awesome cameos on top of awesome cameos. You've got all around well done.
What you've got is a rocking tour through the DCU and there's simply nothing about being led around by the lovable screw up, gloryhound hero from the future and his robot sidekick that doesn't shout 'GET ON BOARD!! OMG ARE YOU ON THE BOARD YET?! ON IT! GET!'.
If it doesn't shout that to you, well. You're a fool. Straight up. It's Booster and Skeets!
The actual plot behind this magical mystery DCU tour has to do with someone (we don't know who yet) messing around with the timestream, changing small events of the past in order to kill Earth's greatest heroes. It's up to Booster with the help of Skeets, and Rip Hunter the Time Master, to stop them.
The first target is the Greatest Green Lantern who turns out to be - drum roll please . . . .
The obnoxious one with the bad haircuts! OH SWEET JESUS GEOFF JOHNS/JEFF KATZ. You complete me? Of course it's Guy!
Villainous someone's plan is to send Sinestro to earth before Abin Sur's ship crashed and Hal was given the ring. Sinestro is seeking Guy out and if they talk the bad stuff happens. Namely, Guy dies too early and the Sinestro Corps wins and ends up DOMINATING everyone.
One more time to be clear - without Guy Gardner the entire universe is fucked!
Aslfdjlsas.
I don't doubt it. His awesome is rather on the breath taking side.
Okay. So while Booster works his way through how best to keep Sinestro as far away from Guy as possible, we get this bang up little moment -
See bang up? I'm stupid funny like Smallville?
Right well. Ignore my joke in favor of Johns/Katz's (that is going to be annoying to keep typing so from now on they are one, they are JOHNZ!) because Skeets is action hero catch-phrasing!! His little charge! AHAHAHA! Do it again Skeets!
Also the yellow thing is never going to stop being amusing no matter how cleverly Johns retcons it. Skeets' suggestion after Sinestro knocks Booster around but good, is to knock him out using his yellow knee.
I LOVE COMICS SO DAMN MUCH.
Obviously the only way Booster's going to succeed is to out think Sinestro because no way is he going to stop him through force. Not even with Skeets' onslaughts and yellow on his side.
And you know what? Booster does out think him! He cleverly uses Sinestro's giant ego against him - coming at him with 'No one can ever replace your greatness and if you go to investigate this ape Guy Gardner you will be showing your enemies that you are afraid'.
It works like a charm and as he leaves Sinestro does this -
EVIL MUSTACHE TWISTS! If I had a mustache you can be sure I'd be doing that every day of my life. I also love how Johns is putting mentions of Sinestro Corps War in everything else he's writing. I haven't forgotten about it (HARDLY) but go ahead and remind us. That horse can't be flogged enough what with its AWESOME BEYOND BELIEF.
Remember how I said Guy was on hand? I meant more than that Guy is The Greatest Lantern panel. Oh so much more. The issue closes with this scene between Booster and Guy having a drink together. It's such a beautiful character moment I was *this* close to tears of ecstasy. Gah. See for yourself.
To help set it up for the sad sacks that didn't read the issue - earlier Guy and Skeets were seen spying on Guy and Guy was being so pensive and keeping to himself that Booster kept asking Skeets to make sure it was this Earth's Guy Gardner and not one from another universe. *laughs*
He's so taken aback by seeing Guy like this, he can't resist going to talk with him before going back into the timestream.
Aaand scene.
These are the joke characters and I.
My heart is full to bursting. JOHNZ RULES.
A couple of things:
1) Their manly assertions of straightness crack me up. So Booster's straight for Ted and Guy is straight for Kyle. (Yeah, I will tinhat rub this one into the ground because LANTERN OTP FOREVA BITCHES!) We believe you are butch, guys. Really. Especially you Guy. It's not like you are so over the top MAN that it's basically camp and no, you never remind me of a leather daddy. Nope. You are straight. Yep.
2) Guy's eye color is wrong but doesn't he look pretty? Good fucking bye to the Moe haircut. May it never show its face again.
3) I WANT TO HUG THEM. Multiple times.
4) So glitterandlube this make you think of anything? Say Brian and his dad? Are he and Kyle shades of Justin and Brian too? How long before you stab me in the head? *LAUGHS LOUDLY*
The perfect cherry on top of this scene is that if Booster hadn't talked to Guy and Guy hadn't gone back to see his dad, Abin Sur's ring would have gone to him and he really would have been known as the Greatest Lantern.
Issue #3 involves saving Superman and Jonah Hex who I've never read before and don't have to in order to appreciate how singularly great its cover is.
That is plain magic.
This time villainous so and so intends to take out Superman by killing the doctor that delivered Jonathon Kent's great grandfather. Without Jonathon's great grandfather there was no Jonathon and Martha to find Clark and Lionel found him instead. I got too lazy to scan these pages but they are GREAT. Basically, Lex and Clark were raised as brothers, Clark still lied, Lex finds out, Lex kills Clark and cries over his grave.
Telling you!
And how does villainous mystery man intend to take out the good doctor? He's hired the gunfighter Jonah Hex to take him out.
Booster's got to get into character -
And shoot but he's lookin' good. Skeets the ipod ♥
Then he's got to get Jonah drunk before he'll tell him about the doctor and what's going on. These two panels are plain ADORABLE.
Ahhh Booster. How could anyone not love you? Especially when you're drunk and getting lovey dovey all over Skeets.
I can't include every fabulous thing or we'd be here all day so letting you know - Booster tells a drunken story about how he used to wear a cape. Yes, it's every bit as wonderful as it sounds.
Oh and by the way - SKEETS IS RIDING A HORSE.
I think the noise I made when I noticed that was something like a braying donkey.
That's not all. No. Skeets on a horse *and* villainous mystery man uses raining buffaloes as a fight tactic.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Where else are you going to see things like that but comics? WHERE?
Wacky!
Now Jaime. It's only one page and a flashback but.
IT'S JAIME. You can't go wrong with him. Even when he has blue eyes (wtf?) and looks white (bigger WTF?). I really, really, really, really, reeeeeeally love that his superhero personae is born in front of Bruce and Booster Gold. That's exactly who I would have chosen too.
Do right by yourself and read this book.
Shifting to what I most want to talk about. Yeah I know. If all that was only wanting to talk and not most, how the hell long is this gonna be? Sizeable, bitches, it's gonna be sizeable.
SINESTRO CORPS WAR.
Feel it tingle right down your spine. Don't feel it? What in the world is wrong with you then? Seek help.
If there are any people who don't read comics/Lanterns still reading this you owe it to yourself to peek. The art is motherfucking masterful and will pleasure your eyes right to the back of your head.
Ivan Reis deserves all the accolades that Jim Lee gets. He's gorgeous and there's so much detail and HE GETS HIS STUFF IN ON TIME. I worship at his feet.
In fact, let's save his brilliance for last and talk about The Superbitch-Prime One Shot first.
I wasn't expecting anything from this and even thought about not picking it up but I did because I have real trouble saying no to comics and JIMMINY CRICKETS THIS KICKED ASS.
Right out of the gate. We've got bitchboy talking smack about Bart and desecrating his tombstone/monument (Stupidest Boy Dead) and I started laughing my head off because GEOFF YOU BEAUTIFUL MAN YOU ♥ How many fanboys have I heard say things similar to this? 'Bart sucked, I hated that little pussy, good riddance' and on and on.
MOCK THEM SOME MORE.
Hell, mock me too. I complain once in a while. (BART AND KON ARE STILL DEAD AND NOW BARDA TOO? COCKSUCKERS!)
We get some backstory for bitchboy - Anti-monitor destroyed his planet, it sucked, he sacrificed his earth to save ours, he found out our Earth sucked and our heroes weren't good enough for him, he pissed and moaned, was slashy with Alexandor Luthor, had a temper tantrum, killed Kon, Sinestro recruited him, he's still whining, he's gonna kill us all etc. The pages with him reading comics and wearing a Green Lantern shirt make me grin. He's such a giant butt and yet he totally charms me despite myself and my Kon grief.
You know, the best thing about Geoff Johns writing is how much he's able to cram in history wise without making it feel weighty or incomprehensible to newer readers like me. Someone could probably pick this issue up and after reading it know just about everything they need to about what Infinite Crisis was all about. In his books, the DCU almost makes sense. That's skill.
Other than that bit of backstory, this book is basically everyone in the DCU punching Superman-Prime in the face and him making fun of everything and regurgitating fanboy rhetoric.
Like I said, KICK ASS. With glitter and sparkles around it.
I can't decide if my favorite is when he says 'Aquaman's not supposed to have a sword!' or when he rips Risk's other arm off and the heroes are just standing there with their mouths open.
BWAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That is near elegant in its hilarity.
It's pretty funny when he disses Kon too 'What? Don't tell me you're still sad about him?! You lost a clone! I lost my whole world!'
Poor him, poor him! Why doesn't anybody understand!
The slight sympathy I feel for him (I'd probably come to beat on everyone on the earth that survived too) takes none of the joy away from these pages.
TIM HAS SOMETHING HE'D LIKE TO SHARE WITH BITCHBOY.
Everyone just said OH GOD. I know. I heard it. I FELT IT. Krypto should have bitten him in the nuts.
I might have died then though and that would be awkward and unfortunate. Which would be worse - one of those embarrassing deaths by some kind of masturbation or death from comic book glee?
Geoff might want to reign in the 'Everyone's so stupid. Everyone but me.' though before the fanboys demand a royalty check.
Impossibly, it gets better. That's Superman throwing Cyborg Superman at him in that last panel btw. Ahahahaha. Bitchslapped by a flying body!
IT'S A THREE WAY SUPER WALLOP!! ONE MORE TIME! AGAIN, AGAIN!!
They hit him so hard he lands miles away on this bridge.
Their glowing eyes are so . . . I don't have a word choice enough. Instead I wet myself.
Maybe.
Only a little.
Krypto failed with the biting of the nuts but Power Girl is up for the job.
I don't know about you but I've never loved her more ♥ Let's all put a fist in his face in memory of Kon.
*FIST IN THE FACE*
Pow.
I don't understand why the entire DCU isn't able to take him down when he's not at full strength and doesn't appear to be using his Sinestro ring but I can't wait for his confrontation with the new Ion - Sodom Yat.
Only two weeks. Only two weeks. ONLY TWO WEEKS.
They already blew my hair back so far it's at the nape of my neck but do they quit? Nuh uh. There's another Tales of the Sinestro Corps backup with Lyssa Drak! Score.
Lyssa's been arrested by the Green Lantern Corps but a little thing like that's not going to keep her down. No siree. She will taunt you and then taunt you a second time.
As soon as I saw that this Lantern chick was pregnant I knew they were going to tell us about the freakshow hag with the babies in her back and ahhh yes please do tell, Lyssa. I've got my teddy bear and my jammies on. I'm ready.
Apparently freakshow hag has a name, Kryb, and looks the way she does because she likes to go into the homes of Green Lantern couples, smoke them so hard there is nothing left but unrecognizable charred remains -
NICE.
After that she takes the orphaned child and puts it in her BACK along with the others.
Heee gruesome. I love Lyssa. I wonder if Kryb is doing anything to keep them alive? They're crying and things. Does she take them out and feed them? Will they get older? I'm captivated.
Stories like this are one of the many, many reasons why Green Lantern is such an amazing book/sub universe of the DCU.
ps. Hal, John, Kyle, and Guy - I sure hope you were paying attention to this somewhere, somehow. DON'T GET ANYBODY PREGNANT! DC WILL PROBABLY DO THIS TO YOU IF YOU DO! And even if you're lucky enough to survive yourself, you can bet that'll be your girlfriend looking crusty. You especially, Kyle. Be safe and only have gay sex from now on. It's the only way.
Everybody ready for the Reis art? You warmed up and turned on enough?
I don't believe you. How about a quick panel from Green Lantern Corps #17 to be sure.
KILOWOG GO SMASH!
Green Lanterns reduce me to six years old I swear.
Case in points:
1) I literally half-shouted KILOWOG GO SMASH! when I read that.
2) It's hard for me not to fidget/hyperactively twitch around in my seat whenever I read them.
3) Yesterday I finally found a green ring to occupy myself with that was a) cheap, b) the right color and size, and c) not so doofusy that I can't wear it around Muggles without having them know that it's something verging on fanatically dorky. It's trashy plastic beads and there's nary a Lantern symbol in sight but you'd think it was 300 carats of pure gemstone for the delight it gives me.
Already I've lost the track on this post ten times because I started moving my hand around strangely and daydreaming - what if a zombie army attacked Borders right now? What would I fight them with? Something classy like a sword or a bow and arrow? Lots of mini bombs? A giant octopus reaching this way and that with all its arms? My own Timmy ninja with a staff and Dick doing flips? A big flock of birds pecking and distracting them while I get everyone out safely?
I DELIGHT MYSELF SICK.
Uh wait no not that kind of delighting. That's for later and thoughts of Guy, Kyle, and blowjobs.
Hmm. The Lanterns do make me think about sex though. A LOT. Not always consciously but humming beneath the surface. One could even go so far as to say constantly or that to think of Lanterns is to think of sex (so reduced to a lusty simpleton with a six year old mentality then. Shit. Are Smallville and I twins?) Shucks guys, how can I help it when they're so darn dreamy?
My sister Gill is waiting to bust in with a 'you would find pig mutants, giant lizards, flies, and eyeballs with tentacles hot' and no, ho not those ones.
Those are reserved for your mother but I'm not taking the dreamy back. I may not want to lick Kilowog the way I want to lick Kyle but both of them turn my imagination on in the same way and that's what it's about.
LOOK AT THEM.
I love the Batfamily unreservedly and nothing can top them as far as characters go, but I'm finding myself more and more sure that the Green Lanterns are where it's really at. When it comes to Superheroes - powers, sense of the fantastic, relatability in terms of I could do this, I can be a hero in my life, I can conquer the things that assail me? Fuck Superman, Batman, the X-Men, and Spiderman. Nothing tops the Green Lanterns.
These are ordinary people/beings/whatever. They aren't especially intelligent (Cough Hal, Guy Cough), they aren't the strongest, they weren't gifted or set apart. Yeah, the mythology says that they have extraordinary willpower and the ability to overcome fear but what does that really mean?
It means they use their imagination to overcome their fear. They imagine that they can knock life's troubles on their ass and they can knock them on their ass. It's about belief. It's about their attitude. Shit goes wrong - Hal's city was destroyed, Kyle's girlfriend wound up in his fridge, Guy's girlfriend died, John's wife died (there's a theme here - again - DON'T GET ANYONE PREGNANT!), and they keep going.
BECAUSE THEY FUCKING IMAGINE THAT THEY CAN.
That's something that we can all do. That's a role model. That's possible. That's inspiring.
That'd all be sort of pukey if it didn't come in such a tasty package. I mean outer space? Check. Punching, violence, and regular displays of badassery and strength? Check. Things blowing up, people flying, COOL SHIT all around? Check. Crazyness, goofy costumes, sex, high drama? CHECK. You can even keep the 'I'm special and different' feeling we all like so much in our comics. We all can have the attitude but it takes someone with balls to step up and act on it.
I love them and I'm done. Let's drool over Reis now.
Green Lantern #23-24
Remember how that Booster cover was AWESOME?
This cover is AWESOME.
There's a difference.
It's AWESOME because while the Booster cover makes me giggle and smile and love Booster, Hal with a bunch of Sinestro rings and that smile sends my blood boiling.
It's also doubly AWESOME because it is a reference to back when Hal was psycho (aka possessed by Parallax), stealing the other Lantern's rings after killing them (aka only killing some and leaving others defenseless and ripe for Manhunter kidnapping), and this cover.
AWESOME!
Earlier, I was talking about Guy's hyper masculinity and while there are females in the Corps (Sinestro's and the Guardians), there's a very male energy about the book that I like.
Primarily because it amuses me.
Especially when Hal's saying things like this -
'Diamond rings? Sacred vows? Living together? Those are the things nightmares are made of.'
Of course Hal ♥
Nothing could be more him than to hate horror films. What a great touch.
Guy and John come swooping in shortly to be reunited with Hal after being chained up and out of commission last issue. It's exciting, there's banter between them and the finhead alien, Guy displays that Lantern get on with it mentality, and Hal's ring needs to be recharged.
GUY BABY, I ♥ YOU.
I wasn't foolin' about their dreaminess. Check them out. Hal's hair looks like the softest, prettiest thing doesn't it? *whistles*
And that coloring. It's amazing! How soft and glowy and yellow the light is on everything.
Seriously, Hal's hair!
You'd think I'd be prepared for the next page after the cover but nope.
That page has something called Tooawesometooprepareforitis. It's a serious malady and affects thousands of hapless comic pages a year. They're researching a cure. Didio something.
When Hal wears the Sinestro rings his glow gets all nifty and swirly looking.
That's too cool to go away and they should adapt it for Kyle's green glow. Yes. I have spoken.
There's some more cute bantering between the guys mostly at Guy's expense.
As it should be. I already shouted to the rooftops how much I love Guy so I suppose I won't repeat it.
Screw it.
GIRL MAGNET?! I LOVE YOU GUY. The deep kind.
Sinestro shows up, Guy sasses him, and Kyle can't keep his hands off of Guy.
Fine so it's Parallax. Whatever. But Parallax is the MUST KILL GUY part. MUST TOUCH GUY AND PULL HIM BACK AGAINST ME is without doubt the Kyle part.
You know I'm right, glitterandlube. You also know that if you squint your eyes and blur out the sharp teeth and weird fingers and blood, that image is totally HOT.
I AM RIGHT.
Everyone else ignoring this? Excellent. You can tune back in now.
A bunch of other beautiful art like this panel of the Lanterns escorting Ion to safety -
TINGLES! AFLJALDFJALDFJALFJDALKFLAJLAJDAL. Are you getting paid enough, art people on this book? I hope so.
The issue ends on Parallax moving in on Hal's brother Jim and the Sinestro Corps moving their focal point of attack to Earth.
Hal zooms home with a whoosh and starts pounding on Parallax.
Hold the phone. I just noticed the swirls are still there and he's not wearing the yellow rings anymore. I'm positive they're not there usually. A left over? Come out when Hal's agitated? They fit Kyle better but hey, not picky here.
Hal tries to reach Kyle but Parallax ends up reaching him instead.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA DISGUSTING!! I LOVE IT!
Hal is stuck inside with Kyle, they talk, Kyle gets it together and next thing you know THEY'RE BUSTING OUT!
THAT'S EVEN MORE DISGUSTING!! I LOVE IT EVEN MORE!! Look at how the Parallax shell head is on Kyle's back! THE GORE! THE GOOP! KYLE'S NAKED!
Something even more wonderous than Kyle being naked happens next.
Catch it?
No?
Look again.
GUY MADE KYLE UNDERWEAR. As in, his will was focused on Kyle's crotch. To protect him, to keep Hal from peeking, because he knew Kyle's junk hanging out would distract him and get him killed - there's no bad way to read it.
Get on the bus and porn them up please. Line forms behind me.
PORN ANY OF THEM UP FOR THE LOVE OF *GOD*.
Like the never dead killer in a slasher flick, Parallax pops up to make another go at Kyle and the Guardians are there to swat him down.
Guy's lantern has a Michigan sticker on it!!!!!!!! I suspect Parallax being kept inside their lanterns is going to bite them in the ass at some point.
Gotta close out on the oath after that. GOTTA.
The first time John said those words on the animated Justice League, I scoffed 'Lame!'.
Words have officially been eaten. IT GETS ME PUMPED! Not even Kyle reverting back to the hideous mask can ruin my high. Best art, best everything. I need this book out immediately.
You bet your butt it's fantastic.
On to business. The first order of which is to say a hearty hello to all of the new SV people that've shown up in the past week to hang out. HOLA! Welcome, nice to meet you, I'm tickled pink, make yourself comfy, feel free to chat me up about whatever, Smallville is the awesomest, etc.
Second order of business is to make all of you new people rethink you're decision to hang out by completely ignoring Smallville in favor of THE AWESOME BEYOND BELIEF Sinestro Corps War and Booster Gold.
Okay I won't completely ignore Smallville. It is sitting next to me, reading over my shoulder after all. In fact, I'm pretty sure that Hal Jordan is making it drool a little. It's kinda gross. Cute gross. And understandable because have I mentioned the AWESOME BEYOND BELIEF? Fuck yeah! I'm gonna ram that baby home.
Anywho, Wrath was a party and there's still a chance I'll squee over it a week late (depending on tonight's episode, I'll do one or the other) because pfft that's no stop to me. Please. These comics I'm going to talk about? Some are months old. I'm slooow. Yet another reason SV and I get on so well. (Aha bada bing! OHHHH SMALLVILLE ♥)
Hmm. Seems as though both of us like to tell weirdly unwitty jokes as well. *pinches it inappropriately*
Alright, let's talk Booster Gold's solo book which hopefully some of you are reading (you are aren't you?! I haven't heard a peep). People that haven't met Booster yet (or worse, those who don't - GASP!- like him) this is not your cue to leave! Guy and Jaime are also on hand.
Booster Gold #1-3:
This book is soo much FUN. I mean the entire premise is win win. You've got Booster and Skeets. You've got Booster as the greatest hero no one has ever heard of - giving up a chance to be in the Justice League and finally have the respect of his peers in order to really help people. More than not having their respect - in order to protect himself and the timestream he's gotta go down in history as a complete and utter moron! Booster Gold! Accepting that! (Bonus? You also get Booster swearing to bring Ted back ♥) You've got Geoff Johns and competence. You've got awesome cameos on top of awesome cameos. You've got all around well done.
What you've got is a rocking tour through the DCU and there's simply nothing about being led around by the lovable screw up, gloryhound hero from the future and his robot sidekick that doesn't shout 'GET ON BOARD!! OMG ARE YOU ON THE BOARD YET?! ON IT! GET!'.
If it doesn't shout that to you, well. You're a fool. Straight up. It's Booster and Skeets!
The actual plot behind this magical mystery DCU tour has to do with someone (we don't know who yet) messing around with the timestream, changing small events of the past in order to kill Earth's greatest heroes. It's up to Booster with the help of Skeets, and Rip Hunter the Time Master, to stop them.
The first target is the Greatest Green Lantern who turns out to be - drum roll please . . . .
The obnoxious one with the bad haircuts! OH SWEET JESUS GEOFF JOHNS/JEFF KATZ. You complete me? Of course it's Guy!
Villainous someone's plan is to send Sinestro to earth before Abin Sur's ship crashed and Hal was given the ring. Sinestro is seeking Guy out and if they talk the bad stuff happens. Namely, Guy dies too early and the Sinestro Corps wins and ends up DOMINATING everyone.
One more time to be clear - without Guy Gardner the entire universe is fucked!
Aslfdjlsas.
I don't doubt it. His awesome is rather on the breath taking side.
Okay. So while Booster works his way through how best to keep Sinestro as far away from Guy as possible, we get this bang up little moment -
See bang up? I'm stupid funny like Smallville?
Right well. Ignore my joke in favor of Johns/Katz's (that is going to be annoying to keep typing so from now on they are one, they are JOHNZ!) because Skeets is action hero catch-phrasing!! His little charge! AHAHAHA! Do it again Skeets!
Also the yellow thing is never going to stop being amusing no matter how cleverly Johns retcons it. Skeets' suggestion after Sinestro knocks Booster around but good, is to knock him out using his yellow knee.
I LOVE COMICS SO DAMN MUCH.
Obviously the only way Booster's going to succeed is to out think Sinestro because no way is he going to stop him through force. Not even with Skeets' onslaughts and yellow on his side.
And you know what? Booster does out think him! He cleverly uses Sinestro's giant ego against him - coming at him with 'No one can ever replace your greatness and if you go to investigate this ape Guy Gardner you will be showing your enemies that you are afraid'.
It works like a charm and as he leaves Sinestro does this -
EVIL MUSTACHE TWISTS! If I had a mustache you can be sure I'd be doing that every day of my life. I also love how Johns is putting mentions of Sinestro Corps War in everything else he's writing. I haven't forgotten about it (HARDLY) but go ahead and remind us. That horse can't be flogged enough what with its AWESOME BEYOND BELIEF.
Remember how I said Guy was on hand? I meant more than that Guy is The Greatest Lantern panel. Oh so much more. The issue closes with this scene between Booster and Guy having a drink together. It's such a beautiful character moment I was *this* close to tears of ecstasy. Gah. See for yourself.
To help set it up for the sad sacks that didn't read the issue - earlier Guy and Skeets were seen spying on Guy and Guy was being so pensive and keeping to himself that Booster kept asking Skeets to make sure it was this Earth's Guy Gardner and not one from another universe. *laughs*
He's so taken aback by seeing Guy like this, he can't resist going to talk with him before going back into the timestream.
Aaand scene.
These are the joke characters and I.
My heart is full to bursting. JOHNZ RULES.
A couple of things:
1) Their manly assertions of straightness crack me up. So Booster's straight for Ted and Guy is straight for Kyle. (Yeah, I will tinhat rub this one into the ground because LANTERN OTP FOREVA BITCHES!) We believe you are butch, guys. Really. Especially you Guy. It's not like you are so over the top MAN that it's basically camp and no, you never remind me of a leather daddy. Nope. You are straight. Yep.
2) Guy's eye color is wrong but doesn't he look pretty? Good fucking bye to the Moe haircut. May it never show its face again.
3) I WANT TO HUG THEM. Multiple times.
4) So glitterandlube this make you think of anything? Say Brian and his dad? Are he and Kyle shades of Justin and Brian too? How long before you stab me in the head? *LAUGHS LOUDLY*
The perfect cherry on top of this scene is that if Booster hadn't talked to Guy and Guy hadn't gone back to see his dad, Abin Sur's ring would have gone to him and he really would have been known as the Greatest Lantern.
Issue #3 involves saving Superman and Jonah Hex who I've never read before and don't have to in order to appreciate how singularly great its cover is.
That is plain magic.
This time villainous so and so intends to take out Superman by killing the doctor that delivered Jonathon Kent's great grandfather. Without Jonathon's great grandfather there was no Jonathon and Martha to find Clark and Lionel found him instead. I got too lazy to scan these pages but they are GREAT. Basically, Lex and Clark were raised as brothers, Clark still lied, Lex finds out, Lex kills Clark and cries over his grave.
Telling you!
And how does villainous mystery man intend to take out the good doctor? He's hired the gunfighter Jonah Hex to take him out.
Booster's got to get into character -
And shoot but he's lookin' good. Skeets the ipod ♥
Then he's got to get Jonah drunk before he'll tell him about the doctor and what's going on. These two panels are plain ADORABLE.
Ahhh Booster. How could anyone not love you? Especially when you're drunk and getting lovey dovey all over Skeets.
I can't include every fabulous thing or we'd be here all day so letting you know - Booster tells a drunken story about how he used to wear a cape. Yes, it's every bit as wonderful as it sounds.
Oh and by the way - SKEETS IS RIDING A HORSE.
I think the noise I made when I noticed that was something like a braying donkey.
That's not all. No. Skeets on a horse *and* villainous mystery man uses raining buffaloes as a fight tactic.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Where else are you going to see things like that but comics? WHERE?
Wacky!
Now Jaime. It's only one page and a flashback but.
IT'S JAIME. You can't go wrong with him. Even when he has blue eyes (wtf?) and looks white (bigger WTF?). I really, really, really, really, reeeeeeally love that his superhero personae is born in front of Bruce and Booster Gold. That's exactly who I would have chosen too.
Do right by yourself and read this book.
Shifting to what I most want to talk about. Yeah I know. If all that was only wanting to talk and not most, how the hell long is this gonna be? Sizeable, bitches, it's gonna be sizeable.
SINESTRO CORPS WAR.
Feel it tingle right down your spine. Don't feel it? What in the world is wrong with you then? Seek help.
If there are any people who don't read comics/Lanterns still reading this you owe it to yourself to peek. The art is motherfucking masterful and will pleasure your eyes right to the back of your head.
Ivan Reis deserves all the accolades that Jim Lee gets. He's gorgeous and there's so much detail and HE GETS HIS STUFF IN ON TIME. I worship at his feet.
In fact, let's save his brilliance for last and talk about The Superbitch-Prime One Shot first.
I wasn't expecting anything from this and even thought about not picking it up but I did because I have real trouble saying no to comics and JIMMINY CRICKETS THIS KICKED ASS.
Right out of the gate. We've got bitchboy talking smack about Bart and desecrating his tombstone/monument (Stupidest Boy Dead) and I started laughing my head off because GEOFF YOU BEAUTIFUL MAN YOU ♥ How many fanboys have I heard say things similar to this? 'Bart sucked, I hated that little pussy, good riddance' and on and on.
MOCK THEM SOME MORE.
Hell, mock me too. I complain once in a while. (BART AND KON ARE STILL DEAD AND NOW BARDA TOO? COCKSUCKERS!)
We get some backstory for bitchboy - Anti-monitor destroyed his planet, it sucked, he sacrificed his earth to save ours, he found out our Earth sucked and our heroes weren't good enough for him, he pissed and moaned, was slashy with Alexandor Luthor, had a temper tantrum, killed Kon, Sinestro recruited him, he's still whining, he's gonna kill us all etc. The pages with him reading comics and wearing a Green Lantern shirt make me grin. He's such a giant butt and yet he totally charms me despite myself and my Kon grief.
You know, the best thing about Geoff Johns writing is how much he's able to cram in history wise without making it feel weighty or incomprehensible to newer readers like me. Someone could probably pick this issue up and after reading it know just about everything they need to about what Infinite Crisis was all about. In his books, the DCU almost makes sense. That's skill.
Other than that bit of backstory, this book is basically everyone in the DCU punching Superman-Prime in the face and him making fun of everything and regurgitating fanboy rhetoric.
Like I said, KICK ASS. With glitter and sparkles around it.
I can't decide if my favorite is when he says 'Aquaman's not supposed to have a sword!' or when he rips Risk's other arm off and the heroes are just standing there with their mouths open.
BWAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That is near elegant in its hilarity.
It's pretty funny when he disses Kon too 'What? Don't tell me you're still sad about him?! You lost a clone! I lost my whole world!'
Poor him, poor him! Why doesn't anybody understand!
The slight sympathy I feel for him (I'd probably come to beat on everyone on the earth that survived too) takes none of the joy away from these pages.
TIM HAS SOMETHING HE'D LIKE TO SHARE WITH BITCHBOY.
Everyone just said OH GOD. I know. I heard it. I FELT IT. Krypto should have bitten him in the nuts.
I might have died then though and that would be awkward and unfortunate. Which would be worse - one of those embarrassing deaths by some kind of masturbation or death from comic book glee?
Geoff might want to reign in the 'Everyone's so stupid. Everyone but me.' though before the fanboys demand a royalty check.
Impossibly, it gets better. That's Superman throwing Cyborg Superman at him in that last panel btw. Ahahahaha. Bitchslapped by a flying body!
IT'S A THREE WAY SUPER WALLOP!! ONE MORE TIME! AGAIN, AGAIN!!
They hit him so hard he lands miles away on this bridge.
Their glowing eyes are so . . . I don't have a word choice enough. Instead I wet myself.
Maybe.
Only a little.
Krypto failed with the biting of the nuts but Power Girl is up for the job.
I don't know about you but I've never loved her more ♥ Let's all put a fist in his face in memory of Kon.
*FIST IN THE FACE*
Pow.
I don't understand why the entire DCU isn't able to take him down when he's not at full strength and doesn't appear to be using his Sinestro ring but I can't wait for his confrontation with the new Ion - Sodom Yat.
Only two weeks. Only two weeks. ONLY TWO WEEKS.
They already blew my hair back so far it's at the nape of my neck but do they quit? Nuh uh. There's another Tales of the Sinestro Corps backup with Lyssa Drak! Score.
Lyssa's been arrested by the Green Lantern Corps but a little thing like that's not going to keep her down. No siree. She will taunt you and then taunt you a second time.
As soon as I saw that this Lantern chick was pregnant I knew they were going to tell us about the freakshow hag with the babies in her back and ahhh yes please do tell, Lyssa. I've got my teddy bear and my jammies on. I'm ready.
Apparently freakshow hag has a name, Kryb, and looks the way she does because she likes to go into the homes of Green Lantern couples, smoke them so hard there is nothing left but unrecognizable charred remains -
NICE.
After that she takes the orphaned child and puts it in her BACK along with the others.
Heee gruesome. I love Lyssa. I wonder if Kryb is doing anything to keep them alive? They're crying and things. Does she take them out and feed them? Will they get older? I'm captivated.
Stories like this are one of the many, many reasons why Green Lantern is such an amazing book/sub universe of the DCU.
ps. Hal, John, Kyle, and Guy - I sure hope you were paying attention to this somewhere, somehow. DON'T GET ANYBODY PREGNANT! DC WILL PROBABLY DO THIS TO YOU IF YOU DO! And even if you're lucky enough to survive yourself, you can bet that'll be your girlfriend looking crusty. You especially, Kyle. Be safe and only have gay sex from now on. It's the only way.
Everybody ready for the Reis art? You warmed up and turned on enough?
I don't believe you. How about a quick panel from Green Lantern Corps #17 to be sure.
KILOWOG GO SMASH!
Green Lanterns reduce me to six years old I swear.
Case in points:
1) I literally half-shouted KILOWOG GO SMASH! when I read that.
2) It's hard for me not to fidget/hyperactively twitch around in my seat whenever I read them.
3) Yesterday I finally found a green ring to occupy myself with that was a) cheap, b) the right color and size, and c) not so doofusy that I can't wear it around Muggles without having them know that it's something verging on fanatically dorky. It's trashy plastic beads and there's nary a Lantern symbol in sight but you'd think it was 300 carats of pure gemstone for the delight it gives me.
Already I've lost the track on this post ten times because I started moving my hand around strangely and daydreaming - what if a zombie army attacked Borders right now? What would I fight them with? Something classy like a sword or a bow and arrow? Lots of mini bombs? A giant octopus reaching this way and that with all its arms? My own Timmy ninja with a staff and Dick doing flips? A big flock of birds pecking and distracting them while I get everyone out safely?
I DELIGHT MYSELF SICK.
Uh wait no not that kind of delighting. That's for later and thoughts of Guy, Kyle, and blowjobs.
Hmm. The Lanterns do make me think about sex though. A LOT. Not always consciously but humming beneath the surface. One could even go so far as to say constantly or that to think of Lanterns is to think of sex (so reduced to a lusty simpleton with a six year old mentality then. Shit. Are Smallville and I twins?) Shucks guys, how can I help it when they're so darn dreamy?
My sister Gill is waiting to bust in with a 'you would find pig mutants, giant lizards, flies, and eyeballs with tentacles hot' and no, ho not those ones.
Those are reserved for your mother but I'm not taking the dreamy back. I may not want to lick Kilowog the way I want to lick Kyle but both of them turn my imagination on in the same way and that's what it's about.
LOOK AT THEM.
I love the Batfamily unreservedly and nothing can top them as far as characters go, but I'm finding myself more and more sure that the Green Lanterns are where it's really at. When it comes to Superheroes - powers, sense of the fantastic, relatability in terms of I could do this, I can be a hero in my life, I can conquer the things that assail me? Fuck Superman, Batman, the X-Men, and Spiderman. Nothing tops the Green Lanterns.
These are ordinary people/beings/whatever. They aren't especially intelligent (Cough Hal, Guy Cough), they aren't the strongest, they weren't gifted or set apart. Yeah, the mythology says that they have extraordinary willpower and the ability to overcome fear but what does that really mean?
It means they use their imagination to overcome their fear. They imagine that they can knock life's troubles on their ass and they can knock them on their ass. It's about belief. It's about their attitude. Shit goes wrong - Hal's city was destroyed, Kyle's girlfriend wound up in his fridge, Guy's girlfriend died, John's wife died (there's a theme here - again - DON'T GET ANYONE PREGNANT!), and they keep going.
BECAUSE THEY FUCKING IMAGINE THAT THEY CAN.
That's something that we can all do. That's a role model. That's possible. That's inspiring.
That'd all be sort of pukey if it didn't come in such a tasty package. I mean outer space? Check. Punching, violence, and regular displays of badassery and strength? Check. Things blowing up, people flying, COOL SHIT all around? Check. Crazyness, goofy costumes, sex, high drama? CHECK. You can even keep the 'I'm special and different' feeling we all like so much in our comics. We all can have the attitude but it takes someone with balls to step up and act on it.
I love them and I'm done. Let's drool over Reis now.
Green Lantern #23-24
Remember how that Booster cover was AWESOME?
This cover is AWESOME.
There's a difference.
It's AWESOME because while the Booster cover makes me giggle and smile and love Booster, Hal with a bunch of Sinestro rings and that smile sends my blood boiling.
It's also doubly AWESOME because it is a reference to back when Hal was psycho (aka possessed by Parallax), stealing the other Lantern's rings after killing them (aka only killing some and leaving others defenseless and ripe for Manhunter kidnapping), and this cover.
AWESOME!
Earlier, I was talking about Guy's hyper masculinity and while there are females in the Corps (Sinestro's and the Guardians), there's a very male energy about the book that I like.
Primarily because it amuses me.
Especially when Hal's saying things like this -
'Diamond rings? Sacred vows? Living together? Those are the things nightmares are made of.'
Of course Hal ♥
Nothing could be more him than to hate horror films. What a great touch.
Guy and John come swooping in shortly to be reunited with Hal after being chained up and out of commission last issue. It's exciting, there's banter between them and the finhead alien, Guy displays that Lantern get on with it mentality, and Hal's ring needs to be recharged.
GUY BABY, I ♥ YOU.
I wasn't foolin' about their dreaminess. Check them out. Hal's hair looks like the softest, prettiest thing doesn't it? *whistles*
And that coloring. It's amazing! How soft and glowy and yellow the light is on everything.
Seriously, Hal's hair!
You'd think I'd be prepared for the next page after the cover but nope.
That page has something called Tooawesometooprepareforitis. It's a serious malady and affects thousands of hapless comic pages a year. They're researching a cure. Didio something.
When Hal wears the Sinestro rings his glow gets all nifty and swirly looking.
That's too cool to go away and they should adapt it for Kyle's green glow. Yes. I have spoken.
There's some more cute bantering between the guys mostly at Guy's expense.
As it should be. I already shouted to the rooftops how much I love Guy so I suppose I won't repeat it.
Screw it.
GIRL MAGNET?! I LOVE YOU GUY. The deep kind.
Sinestro shows up, Guy sasses him, and Kyle can't keep his hands off of Guy.
Fine so it's Parallax. Whatever. But Parallax is the MUST KILL GUY part. MUST TOUCH GUY AND PULL HIM BACK AGAINST ME is without doubt the Kyle part.
You know I'm right, glitterandlube. You also know that if you squint your eyes and blur out the sharp teeth and weird fingers and blood, that image is totally HOT.
I AM RIGHT.
Everyone else ignoring this? Excellent. You can tune back in now.
A bunch of other beautiful art like this panel of the Lanterns escorting Ion to safety -
TINGLES! AFLJALDFJALDFJALFJDALKFLAJLAJDAL. Are you getting paid enough, art people on this book? I hope so.
The issue ends on Parallax moving in on Hal's brother Jim and the Sinestro Corps moving their focal point of attack to Earth.
Hal zooms home with a whoosh and starts pounding on Parallax.
Hold the phone. I just noticed the swirls are still there and he's not wearing the yellow rings anymore. I'm positive they're not there usually. A left over? Come out when Hal's agitated? They fit Kyle better but hey, not picky here.
Hal tries to reach Kyle but Parallax ends up reaching him instead.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA DISGUSTING!! I LOVE IT!
Hal is stuck inside with Kyle, they talk, Kyle gets it together and next thing you know THEY'RE BUSTING OUT!
THAT'S EVEN MORE DISGUSTING!! I LOVE IT EVEN MORE!! Look at how the Parallax shell head is on Kyle's back! THE GORE! THE GOOP! KYLE'S NAKED!
Something even more wonderous than Kyle being naked happens next.
Catch it?
No?
Look again.
GUY MADE KYLE UNDERWEAR. As in, his will was focused on Kyle's crotch. To protect him, to keep Hal from peeking, because he knew Kyle's junk hanging out would distract him and get him killed - there's no bad way to read it.
Get on the bus and porn them up please. Line forms behind me.
PORN ANY OF THEM UP FOR THE LOVE OF *GOD*.
Like the never dead killer in a slasher flick, Parallax pops up to make another go at Kyle and the Guardians are there to swat him down.
Guy's lantern has a Michigan sticker on it!!!!!!!! I suspect Parallax being kept inside their lanterns is going to bite them in the ass at some point.
Gotta close out on the oath after that. GOTTA.
The first time John said those words on the animated Justice League, I scoffed 'Lame!'.
Words have officially been eaten. IT GETS ME PUMPED! Not even Kyle reverting back to the hideous mask can ruin my high. Best art, best everything. I need this book out immediately.