realmofthemuse - 4.A.5
OOC: Based on an RP with the ever fabulous mun of needwake_upcall; takes place next month when J visits New York.
"You had your chance to win my heart, and you threw it away."
James was making his usual route of hitting up the old stomping grounds. He had loitered around Central Park, walked by the Reservoir, gone to see Tony at his bakery (and somehow ended up staying there for two and a half hours, just talking to Tony and his wife), and even went to his old apartment. This time, though, he managed to come out unscathed and without having punched any metal doors .. This time, he had managed to find a little bit of closure, something he'd been looking for when it came to his past. It should have been a clue that the time spent in New York was going to be full of surprises and full of healing wounds.
But James didn't realize that, walking into the club. He wandered to the bar without any real purpose, the bass from the music in the speakers nearly deafening him. He attempted to get the bartender's attention, leaning over onto his elbows, but to no avail. It was then that he saw a hand wave out of the corner of his eye, a hand wave which was enough to get the bartender's attention quickly. As James was about to tell the patron that he'd been there first and had therefore been waiting longer, he stopped with his mouth half-open.
It was her. It was Ava. It was the last woman whom he had completely, foolishly, blindly trusted with his entire heart. It was the one who had destroyed him. They stared at each other in awkward silence for a few moments.
"I ... Didn't know you came here anymore. I haven't seen you around the times I've been here," he said, not admitting that, in all honesty, he hadn't been there much since moving to the West Coast. Her lips curled into a smile, almost a smirk, as she took a glance around and shrugged a shoulder as though their meeting didn't mean much to her.
"I've never really stopped coming, we must have just missed each other."
"Huh," was all he managed to reply. He stayed silent and was suddenly thankful for the loud, almost obnoxious music filling the silent space around them. His eyes scanned her face, looking for differences since he'd last seen her. She seemed happy, that sparkle in her eye nearly blinding him. He suddenly remembered when he had been the one to put that sparkle there, when she looked at him through those cerulean pools and told him that she loved him. He remembered how that look was forever exchanged in his mind with the one he saw that day he caught her, that look that held no remorse and no concept of consequence. He ordered himself a glass of Jack Daniels. He was going to go with something lighter, but seeing her again made his head hurt and alcohol was the only solution. "Must've just missed each other," he muttered, leaning over the bar again to stare at the half-empty bottles of liquor, his eyes and face blank.
"Well, what have you been up to?" she offered, her eyes lingering on him. He avoided her gaze, but with little purpose. He could still feel her eyes on his face, in his head, in his heart. He inhaled and exhaled slowly, almost as though meditating, before drumming his fingers on the bar.
"Not much," he replied shortly. "I left Cathedral. I'm living out in Beverly Hills now .. The Master's Degree was for nothing." How foolish was he? The very thing that had consumed him, that had been the catalyst to ending their relationship, had been for nothing. Maybe it wasn't the type of information he should have shared with her. He could hear her scoff under her breath as she looked away, and for the briefest of moments, he looked at her. But he couldn't keep his eyes there for long and as quickly as they'd found her, they left again, instead finding comfort in watching the bartender who was taking too long to make his drink.
"So you're just .. doing nothing?" she asked, her tone dry. James drummed his fingers on the bar, but it was rather pointless: he could barely hear himself think over the roar of the crowd and boom of the bass.
"I'm going to be recording an album," he answered, just as coldly as she had asked. "I got signed." He paused briefly. "Remember when I started teaching myself the guitar? Turns out I'm not as shitty as you thought I was."
"Well, congratulations then. I'm sure you'll do .. great," she replied, though the tone of her voice told him that she didn't really believe it. The bartender finally gave him his drink, which James grabbed hastily after shooting him a look, tossing a ten dollar bill on the bar. He brought the glass to his mouth and savored the burning sensation as the liquid travelled down his throat.
"You don't believe me, do you?" he asked blankly, sipping his drink again, turning his body towards her ever so slightly. "You haven't seen me in two years. It's a long time to improve. And it's a long time to change." His words were icy, and on purpose. "What are you doing?"
"No, I do." Ava shrugged. "Working, just got a new place .. Planning a wedding." She held up a diamond-studded hand, and James was about to make a comment about how she had to work on her lying skills, and would have easily referenced one of the many times she'd lied to him towards the end of their relationship, but the glitter from the diamond on her finger caused his eye to twitch slightly. He stared at the gem for a long while, blinking, almost as though he was trying to see if he was hallucinating or not. After a few moments, he downed the rest of his Jack and placed the empty glass on the bar top. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and stared at her again.
"Where'd you meet him?" he asked, almost immediately regretting it. He didn't want to know about her love life, he didn't want to know how she'd managed to move on after him, he didn't want to know how she woke up next to this new man without the slightest twinge of guilt in her stomach over what she did to James. Then again, maybe he did. "Was it the guy I saw you with on the subway? A few months ago?" James eyed her, watching her look down at the sparkling diamond with -- what was it? Affection? Smug satisfaction? Knowing Ava, it was most likely the latter. James clenched his jaw as he ordered himself another Jack and ran his hand down his face. He hadn't expected her to be engaged .. in a relationship, sure. But not this far into it.
"I met him at an art gallery opening." She dropped her hand and arched an eyebrow. "What day was that?" she murmured, as though it didn't stick out in her mind as clearly as it did for him. "Well, I've been with him for over a year now. His name is Mark."
"I saw you a few months ago," James responded, monotone. "On the subway. I was heading downtown to the Seaport, you got off at Lexington, I think." He bit his tongue as he realized he was going on about too many insignificant details that he really shouldn't have remembered to begin with. "Congratulations," he muttered, taking his second Jack to his mouth. "You seemed happy when I saw you."
"I am." And then she asked it. "Are you?" James swirled his Jack around in the glass, staring down at the small cyclone forming in the middle of the dark liquid. He could hear the elation in her voice, and it stung him harder than he expected. How was she happy? How was she living her life? How was she engaged to another man after what she had done to him? She sounded so carefree, so light-hearted. How was it that James was still carrying around the baggage when he hadn't been the one to cheat?
At her question, he emitted a sound that was a cross between a snort and a scoff. He brought the glass to his lips again, not really in the mood to get into the whole explanation of how she was his last "successful" (if he could even call it that) relationship, that he'd had random hook ups and one-night stands because part of him was afraid to commit to anyone again out of fear of being cheated on, that he had destroyed the last relationship he had with his insecurity and his past, that he was miserable in what looked like a successful life.
He shifted his gaze towards her lazily, catching her line of sight briefly before looking away again.
"I'm fine." He sipped his drink. "Not engaged or anything, but I'm doing well."
"Well, I'm glad then. As long as you're fine." She nodded her head before setting her empty glass down. "You look a little skinnier than I remember, but I imagine it's the whole starving artist thing, right?" she asked with a laugh. He caught sight of her checking the watch on her wrist, and knew she was already thinking about how to slink away unnoticed. She probably had to get back to Mike. Or whatever the guy's name was.
"Yeah, there is that," he said, glancing down at his form. "I've had a rough couple of months," he admitted, looking to her. "A friend of mine passed away, who I was living with in Los Angeles." She didn't need any more explanation than that. And James was fairly certain she wouldn't want to hear anything more, anyway. "But we'll go with starving artist." The bartender came back over and asked if Ava wanted anything further. She told him that she had to leave soon, and a piece of James sighed in relief while another wanted to cling onto her. He sipped his Jack as slowly as he could.
"James, I'm so sorry." James looked at her as she spoke; her tone actually seemed genuine. It was a change of pace and he was almost unsure of how to act. Then her brow climbed a little higher once more at the last comment, but she didn't push on it, "Well, I hope that you remember to eat a little."
And so the conversation continued. James found out she had moved from the brown stone she had been living in to a new apartment with her fiancée, he told her that he'd just gotten back from Japan after searching for some spiritual enlightenment, they reminisced over how they both seemed to have a thing against the word "us" because it made you lose your identity (though she admitted to having been comfortable with it in her new relationship), and then found themselves talking about her family.
James immediately softened at the topic of the Jordan family; they had taken him in as one of their own. And her parents had very seriously expected him to become a son-in-law .. So had James. She told him that her Grandma Jo had passed away the previous year, and James' heart broke. She was always one of his favorite relatives, and he expressed his sympathies since he knew how important she was to Ava. She updated him on what was going on in everyone's lives, that her sister had moved with the kids down to Kentucky, that her brother was studying to become a pediatrician .. And James couldn't help but remember that life always kept moving. Even if he lost touch with people, even if he forgot that certain people were still existing, it kept moving. Nothing ever stopped. Even within two years, things had changed dramatically, and James had never expected it to be like this.
They finally had to part ways; Ava needed to return home to Mark, James just needed to change the scenery. They embraced each other tightly, as though they had a sneaking feeling that this was their chance to let go of the past. This was their chance to let go of past hurts, old wounds, and this was the chance to let that pain heal.
As he pulled back, he gave her shoulders a gentle squeeze. He was suddenly overcome with the reasons why he had loved her in the first place, why he had seen her as the only woman who could potentially become his wife, then was discreetly reminded why they were no longer together with the sparkle of her diamond ring.
With a smile that almost bordered on a frown, he nodded his head in silent gratitude for giving him the opportunity to move on, to release the grip he'd held on the baggage he'd been carrying, and walked away from her.
Maybe now, he would be able to say that he was okay and mean it. Maybe now, he would be able to wake up in the morning and not hate the man he saw, staring back at him in the mirror. Maybe now, he would be able to look at another woman with the love he had once held for Ava. And maybe now, he would be able to put the past where it belonged and trust, unconditionally and without hesitation, the next woman who was trusting enough to give him her heart.
Maybe now .. he could finally let go.
James S. Carlisle
Original Character
2263 Words
"You had your chance to win my heart, and you threw it away."
James was making his usual route of hitting up the old stomping grounds. He had loitered around Central Park, walked by the Reservoir, gone to see Tony at his bakery (and somehow ended up staying there for two and a half hours, just talking to Tony and his wife), and even went to his old apartment. This time, though, he managed to come out unscathed and without having punched any metal doors .. This time, he had managed to find a little bit of closure, something he'd been looking for when it came to his past. It should have been a clue that the time spent in New York was going to be full of surprises and full of healing wounds.
But James didn't realize that, walking into the club. He wandered to the bar without any real purpose, the bass from the music in the speakers nearly deafening him. He attempted to get the bartender's attention, leaning over onto his elbows, but to no avail. It was then that he saw a hand wave out of the corner of his eye, a hand wave which was enough to get the bartender's attention quickly. As James was about to tell the patron that he'd been there first and had therefore been waiting longer, he stopped with his mouth half-open.
It was her. It was Ava. It was the last woman whom he had completely, foolishly, blindly trusted with his entire heart. It was the one who had destroyed him. They stared at each other in awkward silence for a few moments.
"I ... Didn't know you came here anymore. I haven't seen you around the times I've been here," he said, not admitting that, in all honesty, he hadn't been there much since moving to the West Coast. Her lips curled into a smile, almost a smirk, as she took a glance around and shrugged a shoulder as though their meeting didn't mean much to her.
"I've never really stopped coming, we must have just missed each other."
"Huh," was all he managed to reply. He stayed silent and was suddenly thankful for the loud, almost obnoxious music filling the silent space around them. His eyes scanned her face, looking for differences since he'd last seen her. She seemed happy, that sparkle in her eye nearly blinding him. He suddenly remembered when he had been the one to put that sparkle there, when she looked at him through those cerulean pools and told him that she loved him. He remembered how that look was forever exchanged in his mind with the one he saw that day he caught her, that look that held no remorse and no concept of consequence. He ordered himself a glass of Jack Daniels. He was going to go with something lighter, but seeing her again made his head hurt and alcohol was the only solution. "Must've just missed each other," he muttered, leaning over the bar again to stare at the half-empty bottles of liquor, his eyes and face blank.
"Well, what have you been up to?" she offered, her eyes lingering on him. He avoided her gaze, but with little purpose. He could still feel her eyes on his face, in his head, in his heart. He inhaled and exhaled slowly, almost as though meditating, before drumming his fingers on the bar.
"Not much," he replied shortly. "I left Cathedral. I'm living out in Beverly Hills now .. The Master's Degree was for nothing." How foolish was he? The very thing that had consumed him, that had been the catalyst to ending their relationship, had been for nothing. Maybe it wasn't the type of information he should have shared with her. He could hear her scoff under her breath as she looked away, and for the briefest of moments, he looked at her. But he couldn't keep his eyes there for long and as quickly as they'd found her, they left again, instead finding comfort in watching the bartender who was taking too long to make his drink.
"So you're just .. doing nothing?" she asked, her tone dry. James drummed his fingers on the bar, but it was rather pointless: he could barely hear himself think over the roar of the crowd and boom of the bass.
"I'm going to be recording an album," he answered, just as coldly as she had asked. "I got signed." He paused briefly. "Remember when I started teaching myself the guitar? Turns out I'm not as shitty as you thought I was."
"Well, congratulations then. I'm sure you'll do .. great," she replied, though the tone of her voice told him that she didn't really believe it. The bartender finally gave him his drink, which James grabbed hastily after shooting him a look, tossing a ten dollar bill on the bar. He brought the glass to his mouth and savored the burning sensation as the liquid travelled down his throat.
"You don't believe me, do you?" he asked blankly, sipping his drink again, turning his body towards her ever so slightly. "You haven't seen me in two years. It's a long time to improve. And it's a long time to change." His words were icy, and on purpose. "What are you doing?"
"No, I do." Ava shrugged. "Working, just got a new place .. Planning a wedding." She held up a diamond-studded hand, and James was about to make a comment about how she had to work on her lying skills, and would have easily referenced one of the many times she'd lied to him towards the end of their relationship, but the glitter from the diamond on her finger caused his eye to twitch slightly. He stared at the gem for a long while, blinking, almost as though he was trying to see if he was hallucinating or not. After a few moments, he downed the rest of his Jack and placed the empty glass on the bar top. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and stared at her again.
"Where'd you meet him?" he asked, almost immediately regretting it. He didn't want to know about her love life, he didn't want to know how she'd managed to move on after him, he didn't want to know how she woke up next to this new man without the slightest twinge of guilt in her stomach over what she did to James. Then again, maybe he did. "Was it the guy I saw you with on the subway? A few months ago?" James eyed her, watching her look down at the sparkling diamond with -- what was it? Affection? Smug satisfaction? Knowing Ava, it was most likely the latter. James clenched his jaw as he ordered himself another Jack and ran his hand down his face. He hadn't expected her to be engaged .. in a relationship, sure. But not this far into it.
"I met him at an art gallery opening." She dropped her hand and arched an eyebrow. "What day was that?" she murmured, as though it didn't stick out in her mind as clearly as it did for him. "Well, I've been with him for over a year now. His name is Mark."
"I saw you a few months ago," James responded, monotone. "On the subway. I was heading downtown to the Seaport, you got off at Lexington, I think." He bit his tongue as he realized he was going on about too many insignificant details that he really shouldn't have remembered to begin with. "Congratulations," he muttered, taking his second Jack to his mouth. "You seemed happy when I saw you."
"I am." And then she asked it. "Are you?" James swirled his Jack around in the glass, staring down at the small cyclone forming in the middle of the dark liquid. He could hear the elation in her voice, and it stung him harder than he expected. How was she happy? How was she living her life? How was she engaged to another man after what she had done to him? She sounded so carefree, so light-hearted. How was it that James was still carrying around the baggage when he hadn't been the one to cheat?
At her question, he emitted a sound that was a cross between a snort and a scoff. He brought the glass to his lips again, not really in the mood to get into the whole explanation of how she was his last "successful" (if he could even call it that) relationship, that he'd had random hook ups and one-night stands because part of him was afraid to commit to anyone again out of fear of being cheated on, that he had destroyed the last relationship he had with his insecurity and his past, that he was miserable in what looked like a successful life.
He shifted his gaze towards her lazily, catching her line of sight briefly before looking away again.
"I'm fine." He sipped his drink. "Not engaged or anything, but I'm doing well."
"Well, I'm glad then. As long as you're fine." She nodded her head before setting her empty glass down. "You look a little skinnier than I remember, but I imagine it's the whole starving artist thing, right?" she asked with a laugh. He caught sight of her checking the watch on her wrist, and knew she was already thinking about how to slink away unnoticed. She probably had to get back to Mike. Or whatever the guy's name was.
"Yeah, there is that," he said, glancing down at his form. "I've had a rough couple of months," he admitted, looking to her. "A friend of mine passed away, who I was living with in Los Angeles." She didn't need any more explanation than that. And James was fairly certain she wouldn't want to hear anything more, anyway. "But we'll go with starving artist." The bartender came back over and asked if Ava wanted anything further. She told him that she had to leave soon, and a piece of James sighed in relief while another wanted to cling onto her. He sipped his Jack as slowly as he could.
"James, I'm so sorry." James looked at her as she spoke; her tone actually seemed genuine. It was a change of pace and he was almost unsure of how to act. Then her brow climbed a little higher once more at the last comment, but she didn't push on it, "Well, I hope that you remember to eat a little."
And so the conversation continued. James found out she had moved from the brown stone she had been living in to a new apartment with her fiancée, he told her that he'd just gotten back from Japan after searching for some spiritual enlightenment, they reminisced over how they both seemed to have a thing against the word "us" because it made you lose your identity (though she admitted to having been comfortable with it in her new relationship), and then found themselves talking about her family.
James immediately softened at the topic of the Jordan family; they had taken him in as one of their own. And her parents had very seriously expected him to become a son-in-law .. So had James. She told him that her Grandma Jo had passed away the previous year, and James' heart broke. She was always one of his favorite relatives, and he expressed his sympathies since he knew how important she was to Ava. She updated him on what was going on in everyone's lives, that her sister had moved with the kids down to Kentucky, that her brother was studying to become a pediatrician .. And James couldn't help but remember that life always kept moving. Even if he lost touch with people, even if he forgot that certain people were still existing, it kept moving. Nothing ever stopped. Even within two years, things had changed dramatically, and James had never expected it to be like this.
They finally had to part ways; Ava needed to return home to Mark, James just needed to change the scenery. They embraced each other tightly, as though they had a sneaking feeling that this was their chance to let go of the past. This was their chance to let go of past hurts, old wounds, and this was the chance to let that pain heal.
As he pulled back, he gave her shoulders a gentle squeeze. He was suddenly overcome with the reasons why he had loved her in the first place, why he had seen her as the only woman who could potentially become his wife, then was discreetly reminded why they were no longer together with the sparkle of her diamond ring.
With a smile that almost bordered on a frown, he nodded his head in silent gratitude for giving him the opportunity to move on, to release the grip he'd held on the baggage he'd been carrying, and walked away from her.
Maybe now, he would be able to say that he was okay and mean it. Maybe now, he would be able to wake up in the morning and not hate the man he saw, staring back at him in the mirror. Maybe now, he would be able to look at another woman with the love he had once held for Ava. And maybe now, he would be able to put the past where it belonged and trust, unconditionally and without hesitation, the next woman who was trusting enough to give him her heart.
Maybe now .. he could finally let go.
James S. Carlisle
Original Character
2263 Words