Reconciliation - For suffers_vertigo

[literary_james]

James had done as he said, locking himself up in the house. He'd closed the gates at the street, closed and locked both the front and the rear doors, and had spent his time sitting on the lone mattress in the Master Suite with his guitar. He went back and forth between trying to play, trying to polish up older songs, and just laying in complete

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[suffers_vertigo]

She'd told the driver to take a detour on his way to the airport, asking him to wait outside the address with her luggage. Jen didn't know why he'd asked her there but she was sure that Jeff had something to do with it. Butterflies fluttered in her stomach as she neared the address and she wondered if he was doing this because he'd been told to and not because he wanted to.

Exhausted from not sleeping the night before, plus a hangover, Jen stepped out of the cab once it had stopped. Her pale skin was almost white, or is seemed that way because of the dark and red circles around her eyes. They were proof of her exhaustion and the tears she had cried, and because of it she'd not even bothered trying to look presentable.

On seeing him she stopped, her heart sinking into the pit of her stomach as she waited, eyes welling up once more.

[literary_james]

James was staring blankly at the sidewalk on which he was standing, his hands in his pockets. He wasn't even sure if he was blinking anymore. He didn't know how long he'd been standing there, how long it had been since he'd last seen Jen, how long it had been since he remembered what it felt like to lay down and sleep. Unaware of the date or day of the week, he just stood there, his eyes glazed over. The only hint of him being even remotely human was the slow rise and fall of his chest and stomach as he breathed shallow breaths. Other than that, he could've been a statue, put there for no apparent reason

[suffers_vertigo]

Seeing him her heart sank all the more, looking back she motioned for the driver to wait there and she looked back towards the house and his form as it walked away from her. Jen stood there, frozen to the spot. While she didn't follow him she was still technically his girl, and while that sinking feeling in her stomach became worse, she knew she had to fight it and follow him.

Bloodshot eyes searched the area and finally she took a shaking step, then another, until her legs moved as if on auto pilot. Nothing felt real, Jen felt like her legs were in water, heavy and slow, while her breath came in shallow as fear took over her body. In silence she walked behind him, licking her dry lips while she finally allowed her gaze to settle upon his feet.

[literary_james]

James lingered as he waited to see her walk through the gate, and once she was finally there, he kept walking, over the bridge and to the front door of the house. Large, and almost a single sheet of glass, he opened it, and held it for her as he waited for her to come in. Shutting it behind her, he walked into the main area of the house, which was a large room with high ceilings, half of it a living room and half of it a dining room. Only the house didn't come furnished. Instead, he had the couch he'd had at Z's in one half, and a small desk with a chair on the other side, making the room seem all the more empty. There was a plate still 3/4 full of food sitting on the desk, now serving as a dining room table for one. Alongside it were four or five empty beer bottles, and an ashtray with a half-smoked joint in it

[suffers_vertigo]

She took in the room slowly, the emptiness of it all. This house was too big and too empty for him right now, it wasn't a home it was a prison of sorts. He'd locked himself into a house filled with nothing and it wouldn't make any of this easier on him. For a while she just looked at anything that wasn't him, until he finally spoke that was

[literary_james]

"I wanted -- I wanted you to see your dad, to have your party because I knew I was on my way to self-destruction, Jen." James let out a heavy sigh as he went and sat down on the edge of the couch, running his hand over the top of his head until it rested on the back of his neck. "I knew that -- That I was just going to drag everyone down with me. I thought that if we were partying, or in the atmosphere of having a good time, I'd get away with it unnoticed. Or if we were with your dad, you would be so focused on spending time with him that my explosion wouldn't be so -- conspicious." He sighed as he leaned back, his head falling to the back of the couch, his eyes resting on the ceiling

[suffers_vertigo]

For a long time she just stood there watching him, her mind was between so many things but she was too exhausted to process them. She listening to all the things he'd done since he'd left her yesterday, and she couldn't stop her mind from asking if at any point he'd gotten upset over her. There was still no words from Jen, no movement as she took in everything he'd told her

[literary_james]

James heard the shuffle of her feet and his eyes immediately flickered over to her. There wasn't anything accusatory in his gaze, even worried -- but the rapid movement of his eyes was enough to make him feel dizzy. He closed his eyes for a brief moment, and before he knew it, he felt her touch on his shoulders and neck. His body tensed at the unexpected contact, but didn't last for very long. Especially as he fingers kneaded the knots that had formed over days of not sleeping and the weight of what he was carrying

[suffers_vertigo]

She hadn't meant to startle him and she tried hard to forget that her touch had brought such a reaction. Only days before she'd been able touch him and it would have brought shivers to his skin, days before that she'd only had to look at him in a certain way and he was pulling her close and kissing her. Now, before her sat the shell of the man she loved and as he stood and walked away from her she didn't even have the strength to hide the disappointment from her eyes. She watched him as he searched for beer, shaking that look out of her eyes before he turned around and sat facing her

[literary_james]

"It's easier that way, pushing people away and leaving on my own," James replied. "It means that when people eventually hurt me, which they will, whether it's intentional or not, I'll have already distanced myself." He paused briefly. "Don't ask me to explain it, because I know it doesn't make sense." He shook his head as he decided not to go into it. He didn't have the strength to even attempt to explain how his mind often worked, how his thoughts never seem to really make any sense, how he'd been to four different therapists over the course of his life, and never seemed to get better. He'd been on medications before. One almost caused psychotic break. That was the last time he ever really tried to reach out for someone's help, and he'd seen the outcome. It was why he shut himself up in the scarcely-furnished house, away from those who cared, away from those tried to help. He didn't need another psychotic break

[suffers_vertigo]

"Or maybe it's your pushing them away that results in them hurting you because they can't stand to be made to feel so.. unwanted." Her arms tightened around her, one of her hands resting on her shoulder, their position both defensive and mock comforting. But she couldn't find comfort in them, they felt alien to her. Everything did. Jen felt as if the lights had been dimmed on everything in her life, walking in a nightmare that wouldn't ever end

[literary_james]

"Your answer makes more sense," James admitted, his voice tired and defeated. He wasn't going to argue anymore. "And I know it does. And people have told me that before. It doesn't seem to stop my thoughts from happening

[suffers_vertigo]

"And we all have out limits James, we all have points where we wonder if our efforts of friendship, or more, are in vain. We can't give you our hearts if all you're going to do is push them back at us. It's takes great strength to admit to someone you care, it took a lot of self ass kicking for me to admit to you I loved you. I don't fall into love easily because the last time, when I thought it was love before, I ended up hurt. Every man I've reached out to has hurt me, and now you're doing the same thing." No sugar coating, just truth, "You say you're scared of being hurt by someone, that people you care about, people you're willing to give yourself to hurt you.. it's the same for me

[literary_james]

James felt his chest tightening, listening to her talk. His head fell back and tapped against the wall behind him, his eyes falling closed. It was the first they'd manage to stay closed for a period of time longer than two seconds almost all day, almost all week. He clenched and unclenched his jaw as he kept himself composed. He wasn't going to break-- not now. Not when he'd made it this far with only one violent episode

[suffers_vertigo]

"Why do we? Do we lash out at those closest to us because we know they'll come back, or is it to prove that we were right all along, that they'll leave us and break our hearts. An act that only happened because we lashed out at them on the first place? We should cherish those we care about because who knows when it's going to be too late to tell someone how you feel or something just as important

[literary_james]

James' mind went into a frenzy, trying to remember where the bedroom was. It was as though there were a thousand different filing cabinets, with random bits of information and absolutely no labels. He couldn't seem to remember where anything else -- he knew where his bedroom had been at Z's loft. He could tell her what pictures were on the wall, where there was a dent from someone's elbow at a rowdy party, why there was a handprint on the bathroom wall, but for the life of him, he couldn't remember anything about this house. Maybe he'd blocked it out