makeyourlist

[literary_james]

Week 51

1. Make a list of people you would take a bullet for.

- Farah.
- Addie and her boys.
- Cassie.
- Rachel.
- Pepper.
- Andy.
- Lauren.
- Chuck, even though I don't know him that well .. seems like an awesome guy.
- Bryce.
- Delia.
- Jen.
- Z.
- Ollie. Obviously.

James S. Carlisle
Original Character

Comments

[rattle_thecages]

I hope it never comes to that, but thank you, James.

[literary_james]

You're welcome. I'm really, really hoping this list is just hypothetical. But the thought's there, all the same, hypothetical or not.

[rattle_thecages]

Hypothetical is enough.

How are you, James?

[literary_james]

I've been better, but it can always be worse.

[rattle_thecages]

Yeah, same here.

[literary_james]

What's going on with you?

[rattle_thecages]

Holidays screw me up a little.

[literary_james]

Any reason in particular?

[rattle_thecages]

They make me look back. It's my first Christmas without Harvey.

[literary_james]

[Frowns a little] Are you going to be with friends and family? You're not spending it alone, are you?

[rattle_thecages]

Pepper wouldn't let me spend it alone. To be honest though I don't want any celebrations.

[locked]

I had a dream last night. Harvey resented me for moving on so quickly. He hated me in the dream. I know it's just a dream but...I don't know.

locked

[literary_james]

I wouldn't want you to spend it alone, either. You know you're always welcome wherever I end up being. Might be London.

Do you think he'd resent you for moving on? Or .. do you feel guilty about moving on?

locked

[rattle_thecages]

Thank you, James. You're always welcome at the brownstone, too.

Both. I always feel guilty, James. I don't think he'd understand when I don't understand. I loved him so much. I love him still. How can someone else make me happy when the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with is dead?

Re: locked

[literary_james]

[Rubs her back gently] Kind of like feeling like a puzzle piece without the rest of the puzzle.

I don't think anyone doubts that you loved him, Rachel. I think it's clear just from talking to you that he was a huge part of your life. But I think that a part of loving someone is wanting them to be happy, with or without you. And if he loved you nearly as much as you loved and love him still? He'd want you to be happy. And since he's gone, and he can't be the the puzzle for you .. he stepped down from the position and let someone else in.

But you have to let him in, too. He won't be Harvey; no one will ever be him. But he'll be his own person, and he'll be that missing puzzle for you. You just have to let him.

Re: locked

[rattle_thecages]

Exactly. No matter how hard I try, I feel like I've been walking around with a part of me missing. A limb or something.

I - I know. That's what everyone says. And they ask me if the positions were reversed what I'd want for him, and I would want him to live, and find in someone else what he couldn't do with me but it's - it's hard to reconcile the saying with the doing.

I do have to let him. He's so patient with me and I'm unfair at times.

James Carlisle, how is it that you always know what to say to me?

Re: locked

[literary_james]

That's always the hardest part, connecting what you say and what you think with what you actually do. But if you know that if the tables were turned, you'd want him to .. keep living and find someone to help him love again, that's the first step.

Let this new guy help you connect what you say with what you do. I'm sure he'd be more willing than you think. [Smiles]

Ah, Rachel. I just .. I want to see you happy. And I've been there; not exactly, of course, but I've been there. Somewhere similar.