A Little More Music...
I must confess, I have a weak spot for filks (i.e., song reworks). Count up a few dozen syllables, map a rhyme scheme, and that catchy tune takes on a new life. Here are a few House filks, à la various Broadway shows. As with the musical a few entries down, I've linked to MIDI files so you can sing along. Enjoy!
Doctor House
(To the tune of “Maria” from Rodgers and Hammerstein’s The Sound of Music.)
Scene: CUDDY, WILSON and the ORIGINAL FELLOWS discuss the matter of a certain misanthropic bastard.
CUDDY:
The day I’ve had! He drives me mad,
Although he’s always right.
But his methods are immoral:
Each case incites a fight.
Okay, it saves the patient,
But there has to be some slight-
And on days when he’s pissed off, it’s a lawsuit!
He’s never in the clinic!
WILSON:
Well, you know he hates it there.
CUDDY:
Doesn’t respect authority!
CHASE:
But won’t be made to care.
He’s crazy, but he’s brilliant-
CUDDY:
And he drives me to despair!
Some days I think the bastard should be fired!
CAMERON:
If I could say a word in his defense?
CUDDY (spoken, wearily):
If you absolutely must, Cameron.
CAMERON (sung):
His methods…make some…sense.
CUDDY:
How do you solve the problem of Doctor House?
WILSON:
How do you make him see he has to bend?
How do you describe a man like Doctor House?
FOREMAN:
A sociopath.
CAMERON:
Maladjusted.
CHASE:
A genius.
WILSON:
A friend.
Many a thing I’ve tried and tried to tell him-
Too often it’s like speaking to a wall.
As he refuses to stay,
And listen to what I say,
Sometimes I’m so afraid that he will fall.
FOREMAN:
Oh, how do you solve the problem of Doctor House?
CUDDY:
How do you make him obey when you call?
WILSON:
When I’m with him I’m at ease:
Plan a prank or shoot the breeze,
It’s the only time that I don’t play a part.
CHASE:
Though I must admit in practice
He’s as thorny as a cactus,
He’s a mentor-
FOREMAN:
He’s a menace!
CAMERON:
With a heart!
CUDDY:
Treats all his patients like crap,
Doesn’t know to shut his trap!
He could bring this institution to its knees!
He’s a madman-
CHASE:
He’s a teacher!
CAMERON:
Misunderstood!
FOREMAN:
Wild creature!
WILSON:
Innovative!
CUDDY:
Anarchistic!
CAMERON:
Knows disease!
How do you solve the problem of Doctor House?
CHASE:
How can you reach the standards he demands?
FOREMAN:
How do you manage to work with Doctor House?
CAMERON:
Try to understand him.
CHASE:
Go along with all
His plans.
CUDDY:
Many a rule I’d love to make him follow:
His ethics need to be brought into line!
CHASE:
Learn how to choose when to fight.
WILSON:
And know when he’s right, he’s right.
(That doesn’t mean all that he does is fine.)
Oh, how do you solve the problem of Doctor House?
ALL:
There is no single answer to assign!
I am the Very Model of a Diagnostic Mastermind
(To the tune of Gilbert and Sullivan’s “I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General” from The Pirates of Penzance.)
Scene: Enter HOUSE, followed by WILSON, CUDDY and the ORIGINAL FELLOWS as CHORUS.
HOUSE:
I am the very model of a diagnostic mastermind;
I seek out answers medical and of the most elusive kind.
Of infectious diseases I have knowledge categorical,
Which I will often illustrate in language metaphorical!
No myst’ry illness stands a chance, not if I choose to give pursuit;
I record symptoms, demand theories until one of them bears fruit.
To keep my point quite simple: watch me work and you will surely find
I am the very model of a diagnostic mastermind!
CHORUS:
He is the very model of a diagnostic mastermind!
He is the very model of a diagnostic mastermind!
He is the very model of a diagnostic master-mastermind!
HOUSE:
Don’t ask me for humanity; compassion’s not my strongest suit,
For my worldview is cynical and altruism won’t compute.
Stand up and face reality; don’t tell me that I’m full of it
Not when my every patient is a liar or a hypocrite.
CHORUS:
It’s his view of reality and he will not be swayed from it:
Just about every person is a liar or a hypocrite!
HOUSE:
I rule over this hospital just like a king who’s holding court,
And according to Wilson I’ve a complex of the Rubik’s sort.
Oh, call it what you like: until the puzzle’s solved I won’t relent
And if you ask my fellows, you will not hear any different.
Into our patients’ houses I regularly command them barge-
They’ve gotten very skilled at this: not a single felony charge!
When called into question my ethics often incur Cuddy’s wrath,
But I pride myself on refusal to stray from my chosen path!
CHORUS:
He prides himself on obstinate refusal to stray from his path!
He prides himself on obstinate refusal to stray from his path!
He prides himself on obstinate refusal to stray from his-from his path!
HOUSE:
Oh, my unique philosophy of patient treatment serves me well-
Just let’s not speak of the gunman or of that crazy cop from hell!
And if now and again there’s been a patient left unsatisfied,
Whatever pain they went through was avoidable, except they lied.
CHORUS:
And if now and again there’s been a patient left unsatisfied,
It was because the history they gave wasn’t quite bona fide.
HOUSE:
It goes without saying that I’ll only take interesting ills;
I hate the clinic: time there’s a waste of my diagnostic skills.
But once you have my attention, there’s nothing that I will not try
(I once sent a bullet-ridden corpse through and blew the MRI).
I’ll have tests run and check them twice-and of course it’s a point of pride
That symptoms will be scrutinized from their every angle and side.
My bedside is abominable; in the end it matters not-
Because I can work out whatever the hell my dumb patient’s got!
CHORUS (2X):
His bedside is abominable; in the end it matters not-
Because he’s a genius at working out what his patient has got!
HOUSE:
I’m sarcastic and arrogant and really unconventional
And if I have offended you, please know it was intentional.
I’ve earned the rights to my ego: just watch me work and you will find
I am the very model of a diagnostic mastermind!
CHORUS:
His ego is enormous, but just watch him work and you will find
He more than lives up to his hype, this diagnostic mastermind!
I Can See Him Falling
(To the tune of “I Heard Someone Crying” from The Secret Garden.)
Scene: WILSON considers the aftermath of his decision to go to TRITTER with information on HOUSE.
WILSON:
I can see him falling,
His wings melted wax-
Warnings I am calling;
He will not face facts.
This time he’s gone too far.
Why is it that he can’t see?
Now his survival seems
To depend on me.
He’ll think I’ve turned traitor,
He will not forgive.
I’ll bear all that later,
Give him a chance to live.
Sacrifice his friendship
Or visit him in a cell?
Dear God, how’d we get here?
Surely this is hell.
Play the Judas, lose it all:
I saw it happen once before.
But if I don’t, he will fall
Beyond recall-no wings to soar.
I cannot just stand by
And my choice is made:
Save him from the impact
And let him feel betrayed.
I understand her choice:
What else would love have us do?
I can’t watch him falling;
I must see this through.
I can’t make him understand the risks he’s running, all for naught
I can’t make him understand that this time, he has gotten caught…
When this is at its end,
Maybe I will see
What game was worth playing
To catastrophe;
What puzzle worth solving
When it broke us both apart…
I cannot watch him fall:
I cannot watch him fall:
I cannot watch him fall:
It would break-oh,
It would break my heart.
Feedback is, of course, immeasurably appreciated.
Doctor House
(To the tune of “Maria” from Rodgers and Hammerstein’s The Sound of Music.)
Scene: CUDDY, WILSON and the ORIGINAL FELLOWS discuss the matter of a certain misanthropic bastard.
CUDDY:
The day I’ve had! He drives me mad,
Although he’s always right.
But his methods are immoral:
Each case incites a fight.
Okay, it saves the patient,
But there has to be some slight-
And on days when he’s pissed off, it’s a lawsuit!
He’s never in the clinic!
WILSON:
Well, you know he hates it there.
CUDDY:
Doesn’t respect authority!
CHASE:
But won’t be made to care.
He’s crazy, but he’s brilliant-
CUDDY:
And he drives me to despair!
Some days I think the bastard should be fired!
CAMERON:
If I could say a word in his defense?
CUDDY (spoken, wearily):
If you absolutely must, Cameron.
CAMERON (sung):
His methods…make some…sense.
CUDDY:
How do you solve the problem of Doctor House?
WILSON:
How do you make him see he has to bend?
How do you describe a man like Doctor House?
FOREMAN:
A sociopath.
CAMERON:
Maladjusted.
CHASE:
A genius.
WILSON:
A friend.
Many a thing I’ve tried and tried to tell him-
Too often it’s like speaking to a wall.
As he refuses to stay,
And listen to what I say,
Sometimes I’m so afraid that he will fall.
FOREMAN:
Oh, how do you solve the problem of Doctor House?
CUDDY:
How do you make him obey when you call?
WILSON:
When I’m with him I’m at ease:
Plan a prank or shoot the breeze,
It’s the only time that I don’t play a part.
CHASE:
Though I must admit in practice
He’s as thorny as a cactus,
He’s a mentor-
FOREMAN:
He’s a menace!
CAMERON:
With a heart!
CUDDY:
Treats all his patients like crap,
Doesn’t know to shut his trap!
He could bring this institution to its knees!
He’s a madman-
CHASE:
He’s a teacher!
CAMERON:
Misunderstood!
FOREMAN:
Wild creature!
WILSON:
Innovative!
CUDDY:
Anarchistic!
CAMERON:
Knows disease!
How do you solve the problem of Doctor House?
CHASE:
How can you reach the standards he demands?
FOREMAN:
How do you manage to work with Doctor House?
CAMERON:
Try to understand him.
CHASE:
Go along with all
His plans.
CUDDY:
Many a rule I’d love to make him follow:
His ethics need to be brought into line!
CHASE:
Learn how to choose when to fight.
WILSON:
And know when he’s right, he’s right.
(That doesn’t mean all that he does is fine.)
Oh, how do you solve the problem of Doctor House?
ALL:
There is no single answer to assign!
I am the Very Model of a Diagnostic Mastermind
(To the tune of Gilbert and Sullivan’s “I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General” from The Pirates of Penzance.)
Scene: Enter HOUSE, followed by WILSON, CUDDY and the ORIGINAL FELLOWS as CHORUS.
HOUSE:
I am the very model of a diagnostic mastermind;
I seek out answers medical and of the most elusive kind.
Of infectious diseases I have knowledge categorical,
Which I will often illustrate in language metaphorical!
No myst’ry illness stands a chance, not if I choose to give pursuit;
I record symptoms, demand theories until one of them bears fruit.
To keep my point quite simple: watch me work and you will surely find
I am the very model of a diagnostic mastermind!
CHORUS:
He is the very model of a diagnostic mastermind!
He is the very model of a diagnostic mastermind!
He is the very model of a diagnostic master-mastermind!
HOUSE:
Don’t ask me for humanity; compassion’s not my strongest suit,
For my worldview is cynical and altruism won’t compute.
Stand up and face reality; don’t tell me that I’m full of it
Not when my every patient is a liar or a hypocrite.
CHORUS:
It’s his view of reality and he will not be swayed from it:
Just about every person is a liar or a hypocrite!
HOUSE:
I rule over this hospital just like a king who’s holding court,
And according to Wilson I’ve a complex of the Rubik’s sort.
Oh, call it what you like: until the puzzle’s solved I won’t relent
And if you ask my fellows, you will not hear any different.
Into our patients’ houses I regularly command them barge-
They’ve gotten very skilled at this: not a single felony charge!
When called into question my ethics often incur Cuddy’s wrath,
But I pride myself on refusal to stray from my chosen path!
CHORUS:
He prides himself on obstinate refusal to stray from his path!
He prides himself on obstinate refusal to stray from his path!
He prides himself on obstinate refusal to stray from his-from his path!
HOUSE:
Oh, my unique philosophy of patient treatment serves me well-
Just let’s not speak of the gunman or of that crazy cop from hell!
And if now and again there’s been a patient left unsatisfied,
Whatever pain they went through was avoidable, except they lied.
CHORUS:
And if now and again there’s been a patient left unsatisfied,
It was because the history they gave wasn’t quite bona fide.
HOUSE:
It goes without saying that I’ll only take interesting ills;
I hate the clinic: time there’s a waste of my diagnostic skills.
But once you have my attention, there’s nothing that I will not try
(I once sent a bullet-ridden corpse through and blew the MRI).
I’ll have tests run and check them twice-and of course it’s a point of pride
That symptoms will be scrutinized from their every angle and side.
My bedside is abominable; in the end it matters not-
Because I can work out whatever the hell my dumb patient’s got!
CHORUS (2X):
His bedside is abominable; in the end it matters not-
Because he’s a genius at working out what his patient has got!
HOUSE:
I’m sarcastic and arrogant and really unconventional
And if I have offended you, please know it was intentional.
I’ve earned the rights to my ego: just watch me work and you will find
I am the very model of a diagnostic mastermind!
CHORUS:
His ego is enormous, but just watch him work and you will find
He more than lives up to his hype, this diagnostic mastermind!
I Can See Him Falling
(To the tune of “I Heard Someone Crying” from The Secret Garden.)
Scene: WILSON considers the aftermath of his decision to go to TRITTER with information on HOUSE.
WILSON:
I can see him falling,
His wings melted wax-
Warnings I am calling;
He will not face facts.
This time he’s gone too far.
Why is it that he can’t see?
Now his survival seems
To depend on me.
He’ll think I’ve turned traitor,
He will not forgive.
I’ll bear all that later,
Give him a chance to live.
Sacrifice his friendship
Or visit him in a cell?
Dear God, how’d we get here?
Surely this is hell.
Play the Judas, lose it all:
I saw it happen once before.
But if I don’t, he will fall
Beyond recall-no wings to soar.
I cannot just stand by
And my choice is made:
Save him from the impact
And let him feel betrayed.
I understand her choice:
What else would love have us do?
I can’t watch him falling;
I must see this through.
I can’t make him understand the risks he’s running, all for naught
I can’t make him understand that this time, he has gotten caught…
When this is at its end,
Maybe I will see
What game was worth playing
To catastrophe;
What puzzle worth solving
When it broke us both apart…
I cannot watch him fall:
I cannot watch him fall:
I cannot watch him fall:
It would break-oh,
It would break my heart.
Feedback is, of course, immeasurably appreciated.