Your bloody fault... is not... is too 5
And just how embarrassed can Xander get? Yep, more silliness. It seems like every time I try to write something serious, this pops out.
"Right then, listen up," Spike said the minute the guards closed the door. Peraed had been true to his word and set them up in a luxurious suite decorated in browns and gold and burgundy.
"Listen up? Listen up?" Xander squeaked. "My listenage is at an end. I listened when you said a proper servant would sit on the floor at your feet. I listened when you dressed me like a cheap rent boy. I even listen to your lame-ass plan with the lack of escapeage. No more with the listening. Listening bad!" He threw himself into a large wing back chair and promptly dropped his face into his hands.
"Bloody hell! If you don't shut your gob and start listening were both about to be in a world of hurt." Spike searched the pockets of his duster for a cigarette, and Xander didn't even bother to look up.
"Yeah, I got that. I'm not as stupid as I look, not that I look stupid! But the bond thing... I'm guessing it's not of the good," Xander told the floor.. He paused and then looked up just as Spike was lighting the cigarette that he had finally found. "Been around long enough to know that anything that includes the words a demon and bond… just not going there." Spike suppressed an urge to growl; it wasn't like this was his choice.
"Now listen up for one second here ya selfish little git," he snapped as he struggled to keep out of game face. "Not just your neck on the line, is it? If we can't go out there and show them that we're capable of making a bond, we're both going to end up being, what did you call it, butt monkeys?
"Oh no. No, I don't think so. We sit and wait for Buffy," Xander insisted as he stood and started pacing nervously.
"Listen ya moron, I'm going to be dust and you're going to be dinner before the slayer even realizes something's wrong. So that plan is right out," Spike snarled. He'd finally caught a break -- he'd finally managed to get enough dosh together that he didn't have to choose between starving or putting up with the slayer and her pissy attitude. Getting turned to dust now was just not an option.
"Well, we're not going with your plan," Xander insisted petulantly.
"My plan gets us out of here alive," Spike countered as he tried to maintain a reasonable tone of voice. It wasn't easy when he wanted to beat Xander until the chip burnt itself out. In fact, the chip gave little sparks of warning just thinking about what he would like to do to Xander.
"Your plan includes bonding. Don't even know what bonding is, and I'm saying it's a no."
"If you don't bloody know what it is, how can you say it's a no?"
"You suggested it... it's a no."
"Soddin' moron."
"Chip and dip for brains." Xander spit the insult out as he was standing near a tall oak armoire. Spike couldn't take it anymore. He crossed the room and three large bounds and grabbed the boy by both arms before putting him into the armoire firmly enough that the chip flared, and he slipped into game face. However, he just held Xander, pressing his body into the trapped boy. The sharp scent of fear and the musk of lust tormented Spike's nose as the feeling of that heart pounding made his fangs itch.
"Listen ya little wanker, like it -- don't like it -- don't care. I just know the only way either one of us is getting out of here alive is bonded," Spike growled into Xander's face.
"Um, which means what exactly?" Xander asked nervously.
"Well, truth be told I didn't really listen much when Peaches explained it." Spike stepped back and released Xander who stood frozen in place with wide eyes as he rubbed his arms where Spike had grabbed him.
"Great! So not only do you want me to follow your stupid plan, but you don't even know what your stupid plan is. Are ya getting the idea there are too many stupids in this sentence?"
"I'm getting the soddin' idea there are too many stupids in this soddin' room," Spike hissed as he narrowed his eyes and glared. Suddenly Xander crossed his arms and got a determined look on his face. Spike sighed as he realized that he had to take a different tact with the boy if he didn't want to end up dust. "Look, I remember the highlights. It's an old vampire ceremony where the demon lays claim on something that has a soul, either a human or one of the souled demon species.
"Lays claim?" Now Xander was the one who is doing the glaring.
"Oi, I think you can figure that one out for yourself."
"Oh no! If you're looking to claim on my ass there is no way it's going to happen."
"I've claimed your arse before now haven't I?"
Spike stopped the story as Xander sprang up from his chair. "I have to go… um…"
"Please don't tell us," Angel begged as he held a hand up. He couldn't take another one of Xander's announcements about bodily functions. That was one part of humanity Angel didn't miss. "Just go," he said.
"Please," Wesley added softly. Spike growled softly, and Angel turned to look at his childe in confusion, at least until the scent drifted to him. Xander smelled of embarrassment. Nice. Spike humiliated the boy and then growled at him and Wesley.
"Enough," Angel said firmly as Xander fled without another word. Spike's growl actually rose in volume for a split second before it stopped and Spike shrugged as if it didn't matter to him.
"Lay off him, yeah?" Spike said with a glare toward Wesley.
"I didn't…" Wesley stammered.
"Just keep going with the story," Angel ordered as he held out his cup. He expected Wesley to refuse him, but the man filled his cup over half full before pouring himself a drink nearly as large.
"Just as pushy as ever, Peaches. Some days I can't even tell if ya got the soul hooked on tight," Spike said, and Angel reined in his own anger. He knew full well Spike was torturing him both to get a reaction and to get out of telling the story. The younger vamp had always been rather transparent.
"Tell the story," he growled. Spike rolled his eyes before continuing.
"I've claimed your arse before now haven't I?"
"I was drunk, it doesn't count."
"So was I. Don't mean I pretend it never happened."
"Pretending is good. Pretending is our friend. And there will be no claiming. Nope. No claiming of the Xan-man. Not gonna happen. No how, no way."
"Not what you were saying last time," Spike pointed out with his best leer.
"Last time didn't happen. I'm not listening to you! Lalalalalalalala." Xander reinforced his words by actually putting his fingers in his ears. Rolling his eyes, Spike just waited for Xander to give up on the childish gesture. And people accused him of being immature!
"Bloody hell, I had to get stuck in here with the mental kindergartner," he complained the minute and Xander's fingers came out of his ears. "Besides, as I recall last time you sounded more like the soundtrack to a porno show."
"Hey! I did not.
"Harder, Spike! Faster, Spike! Oh yeah, love the feel of you in me," Spike imitated Xander's American accent. "Please touch me! Fuck, yeah, more like that!"
"Hey! Just no!" Xander protested.
"Fuck me harder Spike, split me open, fill me with your big, hard cock."
"That's a lie, you big liar vamp! I didn't say that!"
"Might be embellishin' a bit," Spike admitted with a shrug, "but you didn't seem to be suffering much as you squirmed about on the bed under me.
"I was drunk, I had to pee," Xander protested in a small voice, his arms wrapped around his own waist.
"That wasn't pee that came out ya, pet," Spike pointed out with a smirk. "Look, it's not like you're some blushing virgin here. So we make the claim, and we haul ass out of here."
"Small problem, I was drunk then."
"If you don't bloody stop talking about how drunk you were..." Spike growled unhappily. It was damn impolite to deny a lover quite so often.
"Um, any chance I could get drunk this time?" Xander asked softly.
"Bloody hell. Look, this is life and death, your friends aren't going to hold it against you that you had to play a little slap and tickle to keep your neck in one piece. And mine too."
"I just... I really think I need a drink." Xander's voice was so soft that Spike had to concentrate to hear it. He felt the familiar rage of being denied... again, but then he noticed Xander trembling slightly.
"Pet, don't work that way," Spike answered as he tried to keep his voice calm. If Xander got any more worked up there was no way the bond was going to happen. "I'm the first to admit I didn't always listen when the Poof started going on and on about his bloody ceremonies. But one thing I do remember is that the soul has to accept the claim. Don't work if the person is drugged or drunk or just doing it to save their own lives. The human has to accept the demon, let the demon put his mark on 'em," Spike finished quietly. Xander had moved from the armoire back to the chair, and now he sat on the arm of the chair looking defeated.
"If you're trying to make me feel better about doing this, it's not working," he said with a small smile that actually looked pretty grim. "Getting a big dose of ewwww off of this whole thing. And the more you talk, the more ewwwww I'm getting. Not liking the idea of accepting your demon. Not big on the demons."
"You forget, pet, I've read your diary," Spike pointed out with a laugh. "Never seen a human who could attract demons as much as you. Besides, not like I'm goin' ta walk away from this scot-free.
"Hey, I'm the one that gets claimed. I'm not seen the downside for you."
"Once we do this... until we can get a hold of the ceremony to undo the bonding, my demon's going to see you as his."
"And oh yes, we've reached whole new levels of ewwwwwwwww. Not doing the butt monkey thing," Xander complained, and Spike snorted smoke out his nose at the image that created in his mind.
"Ya really can be a stupid little git sometimes, can't you? Do ya really think I'd worry if it turned ya into a slave? Bloody hell, wouldn't mind somebody to do my laundry now and then. But the bond means the demon sees ya as a part of himself. Means that every time I'd look at you, my demon would see where you carried a part of me. I wouldn't be able to leave you behind anymore than I could rip off my own arm of leave it layin' on the ground. And considering how much trouble you get in, I might be safer just ripping off the arm. Until we can get the bond broken, I'll be stuck takin' on every demon that looks at you crosseyed."
"You like taking on demons," Xander pointed out dryly.
"Yeah, but I like pick in my own fights, now don't I? Besides, the way you attract 'em, I'll never have time ta watch Passions." Spike smiled as Xander managed a small, tightl laugh at that.
"Next time Buffy tells me she needs a favor, I'm going to, I don't know, come down with malaria or something," he said as he slid from the arm of the chair into the seat.
"You'll come down with bloody anemia is what you'll come down with, pet. Not lettin' the slayer put you in this spot again. Not let the bloody slayer put *me* in this spot again!
"Are you sure I can't be drunk for this?" Xander asked from the chair. "Or unconscious? Unconscious would be good."
"'Fraid not. Need ya willin' and able for this to work."
"This isn't in the slayerette contract, you know, not even the fine print. I'd remember if doing it with the evil undead and been part of the package when I signed up for this."
"Oh, I don't know. The slayer had Peaches, and the witch was doing it with a werewolf. It's about time for you to take up with someone less than human. Besides, look at the bright side: it's actually pretty hard to make a bond, so we'll probably fail and just get killed."
"Yeah, thanks for that bit of cheering up. You know, you'd really suck as a candy striper."
"Thanks, pet. Appreciate knowin' I haven't lost all my evil points."
"So, we're going to… um…"
"Bond," Spike said seriously.
"Uh, I was actually a little more freaked over the public sex part, honestly."
"Don't worry about that, pet. I know all about that part. Didn't need Peaches to teach me how ta do that part. Let's just hope I can remember enough of the bonding ceremony ta make the thing work right. Can't afford ta bugger this up."