Playing God
Playing God--THE END
Jim/Blair, Rafe/OFC
Summary: Aliah adores the fact that Blair is an open spirit raised by a free-minded and strong woman. However, when she realizes that he is denying himself love--specifically love for his police partner, Jim--she feels a need to intervene. She knows what it is to want something you can never have, and she won't let Blair suffer that way. If it takes a little playing God, she is the woman up for the job.
So, we have reached the end. Yep, two years ago, this is where I was headed, which is why I was so confused about how she was coming off as a "Mary Sue" when I see her as so very, very damaged and struggling with life. No magical powers of knowing everything here... more random flailing.
( Part One ) ( Part Two ) ( Part Three) ( Part Four)
Aliah sat inside the van, emotions warring. She had always valued honesty. Always. A soul who could not embrace honesty would never find beauty. That’s what she taught her students at the schools where she tried to reach inner city youth in danger of losing themselves. Honesty allowed for change, for growth.
But to hear Ellison speak of her, she had lost her own honesty. Or perhaps she had only fled some distance from it. Certainly she knew her life had lost a certain balance, but was she so pitiful that a friend could not trust her to celebrate with him?
She loved Blair. She did. She was also furious that he could hide his love so completely, even when she urged him to follow it.
Her face heated as she thought back on all those conversations with Blair, all the times she’d encouraged him to pursue love, to throw caution to the wind. She might love Blair, but she was just a little annoyed with him for failing to mention that he had already done exactly that. In the process of trying to shield her from suffering the pangs of jealousy, he had made her a fool.
Aliah sighed. Or she had made herself a fool.
“Aliah? Are you in there?” Someone knocked on the driver’s side window, and Aliah backed her chair off the lift and rolled toward the front windshield. Brian stood outside the driver’s window, his hand cupped to the glass as he tried to peer inside. He smiled and backed up an inch as she rolled in behind the window and slipped the key into the ignition so she could roll the window down.
“Brian? Whatever are you doing here?”
“Jim called. He said you had a close encounter with his cranky side, and that I should get down here.”
“He did?” Aliah frowned at the building, not appreciating any gesture of kindness from Jim Ellison. Not right now, anyway. Her feelings were too raw to appreciate that he might have an altruistic bone or two.
“We’ve all seen Jim have his asshole moments, so I figured whatever he said it must have been bad for him to admit that he crossed the line. Usually he ignores any rules of etiquette and lets Blair apologize for him later.” Brian made a face and leaned on the side of the van. “Are you okay?”
“Do I strike you as particularly fragile?”
Brian blinked at her, his face devoid of emotion or reaction, and Aliah had no idea how to interpret that.
“Weak?” Brian finally asked. “Weak? You? Aliah, you are as far from weak as a person gets.” His blinking grew faster. “Why would you even-” He stopped in the middle of his own sentence, his lips pressing together in a thin line for a moment. “Did Ellison say that to you? I can go kick his ass right now,” he offered, his words clipped in his anger.
Reaching out the window, Aliah rested her hand on Brian’s arm. “I could do that myself if I wanted it done,” she pointed out archly, despite the fact they both knew she lied. However, Brian settled under her touch, his anger turned to a quieter emotion-aggravation perhaps.
“He has no right saying something like that to you.”
“I believe he was only repeating what Blair had said to him,” Aliah said wearily. She could dismiss Ellison’s cruelty as nothing more than the retaliation of a man who felt backed into a corner. Pursuing that particular lion into his den definitely had been a tactical error.
“Blair?!” Brian’s mouth fell open, a rather unpleasant expression, even on someone as attractive as Brian. “Blair called you weak?” Brian demanded.
“He might as well have. Blair did not want me to know he was happily pursuing his forbidden love the entire time I was needling him about becoming too afraid to follow his heart.”
“He… and Ellison?” Brian looked mildly horrified.
Aliah drew in a breath, ready to launch into a lecture on the value of love in all its forms. However, Brian continued. “I thought Sandburg had better taste. Well, not better taste in clothing given the colors he puts together, but I would have expected him to pick someone who had a little more class.” Brian shook his head. “Not only does Ellison wear white socks with dress slacks, a fault I could overlook given how often Ellison gets called in to work at crazy hours, but he snaps at anyone who doesn’t do what he thinks they should within two seconds of when he thinks they should do it.” Brian sighed. “Do you mind if I sit down?” he asked, gesturing toward the passenger side.
“Of course,” Aliah triggered the locks, slightly embarrassed to have left Brian standing outside. He smiled at her and trotted around the front of the van to get in. “So, what did Ellison tell you when he called?” she asked as Brian settled into the seat next to her.
“He said he’d been a first-class ass and you might need someone to talk to about how much you hated him.” Brain made a face as he pulled the passenger side door closed. “He also said he was so far over the line that you probably needed someone to keep you from doing something stupid like shooting him because he was going to be busy keeping Blair from shooting him.”
Aliah sniffed. “He seems to think a lot of himself, believing that he’s worth killing.”
That made Brian snort. “The first case I worked with Major Crime as a full time detective, we find out after the fact that Ellison blinded himself with some drug, and he’s still trying to work the case, growling at everyone, snapping at Sandburg like the man just shot his dog. Trust me, Ellison is worth killing. On lots of days, Ellison is worth killing. He’s also a good man who will go to the ends of the earth for his friends.”
“Including Blair,” Aliah said softly. “I should point out that I wanted the two of them to admit to their forbidden love back when I believed they weren’t together. I don’t have a problem with Ellison per se.” Aliah really tried to tell herself that was still true. She certainly disliked him a little more than she had this morning. But he made Blair happy. Her feelings were in such a turmoil that she truly didn’t know where to turn or what to feel. She had wanted Blair and Ellison to admit their love. They had. Years ago. And she was truly lost in a mire of her own pathetic needs because she wanted to have been the one to ‘fix’ them and show them the error of their ways. She wanted to open their eyes. She wanted to be the sort of friend Blair trusted to share joy. And yet….
“Penny for your thoughts,” Brian said, his voice breaking the silence that had gone on for far too long.
She gave him a smile. “I’m not sure they are worth even that much.”
“Try me.”
For a second, she really studied him, looking for some sign that he was indulging her. Her old lovers, they wanted her to be exciting and sexual. The second she showed any neediness around them, they had vanished like smoke. Even Naomi. God that woman could wrap her legs around your waist, her body bending in directions to make even a dancer envious. But when Aliah had railed against the universe, the drunken driver who had crippled her, and the chair with all its limitations, Naomi had flitted her hands through the air and talked about universal truth. Actually, she had threatened to bring sage into the hospital before vanishing, which had set this older nurse twittering in distress.
Aliah wanted to have someone lance this ugly boil of heavy karma Ellison had forced her to notice, but she felt like doing so might lose her the chance to have a handsome escort to dinner, someone who could make her feel like she was still beautiful. She suddenly found herself terrified at the thought that Brian might stop taking her calls.
“My thoughts are not very pleasant right now,” Aliah said slowly, struggling to explain why she didn’t want to share them, why she couldn’t.
“Sometimes they aren’t.” Brian interrupted. “No one can be happy all the time, Aliah.”
They sat in the van looking at each other, and Aliah could feel old emotions stirring. Anger that the accident had taken one more thing. She should have had years of laughter with her friend… years of celebrating a secret love instead of this brittle friendship that left Blair afraid to share so much of his life. Shame that she had made such a mess out of things. Fear that she would keep making a mess out of things because Blair was right-since the accident, she had become the kind of person with whom you didn’t share happiness. Hot emotions churned in her chest until it almost hurt, and she kept waiting for Brian to get out of the van because who wanted to deal with this kind of pain. Aliah didn’t. She wouldn’t if she had a choice. She’d walk away. No, she’d dance away.
Aliah touched the rubber of her wheel. Well, she might have at one point. Now…
Brian interrupted her by reaching over to brush his fingertips over the back of her hand. “Why don’t we go for coffee? I’ll tell you about this idiot kid who was so scared of prison that he refused to put his gun down during this bank robbery.” Pain flashed across Brian’s face, and he did nothing to hide it. “And you can tell me what could make that beautiful face of yours reflect so much suffering.”
Aliah brought her hand up to her cheek, momentarily horrified that she had telegraphed so much in an unguarded moment.
Brian caught her hand, holding it in his fever-hot palm. “Come on, I’ll treat you to some cappuccino.” Brian smiled at her, his fingers curling around her hand, and Aliah smiled back even though grief and confusion still tugged at her.
Slowly, Aliah nodded. “I could try some cappuccino. I should warn you I have so very little experience with this particular activity that I fear I’m a true novice.”
Brian gave her a wide grin. “At cappuccino? You’ll love it.” He winked to make it clear he understood full well that she wasn’t referencing any coffee drink. “You just have to let it cool at its own pace. Come on. If we sit in the corner we can see Blair pass us out front. You can tell how mad that man is by how jerky his arms get when he walks. I’m betting his arms are going to be jerking around like a martinet with strings that are too short. Come on, it’ll be fun.” Brian opened his door, but he stood there, waiting in silence as Aliah struggled with her own thoughts.
Well, if she couldn’t take care of Blair and his needs, perhaps she should look to her own. Rolling her chair backwards, Aliah headed for the lift. She had a date for cappuccino. It was time for her to perform a new kind of grand allegro across an entirely new stage.
Jim/Blair, Rafe/OFC
Summary: Aliah adores the fact that Blair is an open spirit raised by a free-minded and strong woman. However, when she realizes that he is denying himself love--specifically love for his police partner, Jim--she feels a need to intervene. She knows what it is to want something you can never have, and she won't let Blair suffer that way. If it takes a little playing God, she is the woman up for the job.
So, we have reached the end. Yep, two years ago, this is where I was headed, which is why I was so confused about how she was coming off as a "Mary Sue" when I see her as so very, very damaged and struggling with life. No magical powers of knowing everything here... more random flailing.
( Part One ) ( Part Two ) ( Part Three) ( Part Four)
Aliah sat inside the van, emotions warring. She had always valued honesty. Always. A soul who could not embrace honesty would never find beauty. That’s what she taught her students at the schools where she tried to reach inner city youth in danger of losing themselves. Honesty allowed for change, for growth.
But to hear Ellison speak of her, she had lost her own honesty. Or perhaps she had only fled some distance from it. Certainly she knew her life had lost a certain balance, but was she so pitiful that a friend could not trust her to celebrate with him?
She loved Blair. She did. She was also furious that he could hide his love so completely, even when she urged him to follow it.
Her face heated as she thought back on all those conversations with Blair, all the times she’d encouraged him to pursue love, to throw caution to the wind. She might love Blair, but she was just a little annoyed with him for failing to mention that he had already done exactly that. In the process of trying to shield her from suffering the pangs of jealousy, he had made her a fool.
Aliah sighed. Or she had made herself a fool.
“Aliah? Are you in there?” Someone knocked on the driver’s side window, and Aliah backed her chair off the lift and rolled toward the front windshield. Brian stood outside the driver’s window, his hand cupped to the glass as he tried to peer inside. He smiled and backed up an inch as she rolled in behind the window and slipped the key into the ignition so she could roll the window down.
“Brian? Whatever are you doing here?”
“Jim called. He said you had a close encounter with his cranky side, and that I should get down here.”
“He did?” Aliah frowned at the building, not appreciating any gesture of kindness from Jim Ellison. Not right now, anyway. Her feelings were too raw to appreciate that he might have an altruistic bone or two.
“We’ve all seen Jim have his asshole moments, so I figured whatever he said it must have been bad for him to admit that he crossed the line. Usually he ignores any rules of etiquette and lets Blair apologize for him later.” Brian made a face and leaned on the side of the van. “Are you okay?”
“Do I strike you as particularly fragile?”
Brian blinked at her, his face devoid of emotion or reaction, and Aliah had no idea how to interpret that.
“Weak?” Brian finally asked. “Weak? You? Aliah, you are as far from weak as a person gets.” His blinking grew faster. “Why would you even-” He stopped in the middle of his own sentence, his lips pressing together in a thin line for a moment. “Did Ellison say that to you? I can go kick his ass right now,” he offered, his words clipped in his anger.
Reaching out the window, Aliah rested her hand on Brian’s arm. “I could do that myself if I wanted it done,” she pointed out archly, despite the fact they both knew she lied. However, Brian settled under her touch, his anger turned to a quieter emotion-aggravation perhaps.
“He has no right saying something like that to you.”
“I believe he was only repeating what Blair had said to him,” Aliah said wearily. She could dismiss Ellison’s cruelty as nothing more than the retaliation of a man who felt backed into a corner. Pursuing that particular lion into his den definitely had been a tactical error.
“Blair?!” Brian’s mouth fell open, a rather unpleasant expression, even on someone as attractive as Brian. “Blair called you weak?” Brian demanded.
“He might as well have. Blair did not want me to know he was happily pursuing his forbidden love the entire time I was needling him about becoming too afraid to follow his heart.”
“He… and Ellison?” Brian looked mildly horrified.
Aliah drew in a breath, ready to launch into a lecture on the value of love in all its forms. However, Brian continued. “I thought Sandburg had better taste. Well, not better taste in clothing given the colors he puts together, but I would have expected him to pick someone who had a little more class.” Brian shook his head. “Not only does Ellison wear white socks with dress slacks, a fault I could overlook given how often Ellison gets called in to work at crazy hours, but he snaps at anyone who doesn’t do what he thinks they should within two seconds of when he thinks they should do it.” Brian sighed. “Do you mind if I sit down?” he asked, gesturing toward the passenger side.
“Of course,” Aliah triggered the locks, slightly embarrassed to have left Brian standing outside. He smiled at her and trotted around the front of the van to get in. “So, what did Ellison tell you when he called?” she asked as Brian settled into the seat next to her.
“He said he’d been a first-class ass and you might need someone to talk to about how much you hated him.” Brain made a face as he pulled the passenger side door closed. “He also said he was so far over the line that you probably needed someone to keep you from doing something stupid like shooting him because he was going to be busy keeping Blair from shooting him.”
Aliah sniffed. “He seems to think a lot of himself, believing that he’s worth killing.”
That made Brian snort. “The first case I worked with Major Crime as a full time detective, we find out after the fact that Ellison blinded himself with some drug, and he’s still trying to work the case, growling at everyone, snapping at Sandburg like the man just shot his dog. Trust me, Ellison is worth killing. On lots of days, Ellison is worth killing. He’s also a good man who will go to the ends of the earth for his friends.”
“Including Blair,” Aliah said softly. “I should point out that I wanted the two of them to admit to their forbidden love back when I believed they weren’t together. I don’t have a problem with Ellison per se.” Aliah really tried to tell herself that was still true. She certainly disliked him a little more than she had this morning. But he made Blair happy. Her feelings were in such a turmoil that she truly didn’t know where to turn or what to feel. She had wanted Blair and Ellison to admit their love. They had. Years ago. And she was truly lost in a mire of her own pathetic needs because she wanted to have been the one to ‘fix’ them and show them the error of their ways. She wanted to open their eyes. She wanted to be the sort of friend Blair trusted to share joy. And yet….
“Penny for your thoughts,” Brian said, his voice breaking the silence that had gone on for far too long.
She gave him a smile. “I’m not sure they are worth even that much.”
“Try me.”
For a second, she really studied him, looking for some sign that he was indulging her. Her old lovers, they wanted her to be exciting and sexual. The second she showed any neediness around them, they had vanished like smoke. Even Naomi. God that woman could wrap her legs around your waist, her body bending in directions to make even a dancer envious. But when Aliah had railed against the universe, the drunken driver who had crippled her, and the chair with all its limitations, Naomi had flitted her hands through the air and talked about universal truth. Actually, she had threatened to bring sage into the hospital before vanishing, which had set this older nurse twittering in distress.
Aliah wanted to have someone lance this ugly boil of heavy karma Ellison had forced her to notice, but she felt like doing so might lose her the chance to have a handsome escort to dinner, someone who could make her feel like she was still beautiful. She suddenly found herself terrified at the thought that Brian might stop taking her calls.
“My thoughts are not very pleasant right now,” Aliah said slowly, struggling to explain why she didn’t want to share them, why she couldn’t.
“Sometimes they aren’t.” Brian interrupted. “No one can be happy all the time, Aliah.”
They sat in the van looking at each other, and Aliah could feel old emotions stirring. Anger that the accident had taken one more thing. She should have had years of laughter with her friend… years of celebrating a secret love instead of this brittle friendship that left Blair afraid to share so much of his life. Shame that she had made such a mess out of things. Fear that she would keep making a mess out of things because Blair was right-since the accident, she had become the kind of person with whom you didn’t share happiness. Hot emotions churned in her chest until it almost hurt, and she kept waiting for Brian to get out of the van because who wanted to deal with this kind of pain. Aliah didn’t. She wouldn’t if she had a choice. She’d walk away. No, she’d dance away.
Aliah touched the rubber of her wheel. Well, she might have at one point. Now…
Brian interrupted her by reaching over to brush his fingertips over the back of her hand. “Why don’t we go for coffee? I’ll tell you about this idiot kid who was so scared of prison that he refused to put his gun down during this bank robbery.” Pain flashed across Brian’s face, and he did nothing to hide it. “And you can tell me what could make that beautiful face of yours reflect so much suffering.”
Aliah brought her hand up to her cheek, momentarily horrified that she had telegraphed so much in an unguarded moment.
Brian caught her hand, holding it in his fever-hot palm. “Come on, I’ll treat you to some cappuccino.” Brian smiled at her, his fingers curling around her hand, and Aliah smiled back even though grief and confusion still tugged at her.
Slowly, Aliah nodded. “I could try some cappuccino. I should warn you I have so very little experience with this particular activity that I fear I’m a true novice.”
Brian gave her a wide grin. “At cappuccino? You’ll love it.” He winked to make it clear he understood full well that she wasn’t referencing any coffee drink. “You just have to let it cool at its own pace. Come on. If we sit in the corner we can see Blair pass us out front. You can tell how mad that man is by how jerky his arms get when he walks. I’m betting his arms are going to be jerking around like a martinet with strings that are too short. Come on, it’ll be fun.” Brian opened his door, but he stood there, waiting in silence as Aliah struggled with her own thoughts.
Well, if she couldn’t take care of Blair and his needs, perhaps she should look to her own. Rolling her chair backwards, Aliah headed for the lift. She had a date for cappuccino. It was time for her to perform a new kind of grand allegro across an entirely new stage.